Kids’ Jokes

The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn't have one.

Q: Why are skeletons so good at chopping down trees? A: They're LUMBARjacks!

Q: Why are skeletons so calm? A: Because nothing gets under their skin!

The skeleton played a melodic solo riff on his shiny sax-a-bone.

Did you hear about the skeleton that dropped out of medical school? He just didn't have the stomach for it.

The skeleton cried his eyes out because he didn't have any body to love.

Q: What happened to the skeleton who stayed by the fire for too long? A: He became bone dry

Q: What do you call a monster with no neck? A: The Lost Neck Monster.

Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy? Skeleton 2: I dunno. Why? Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.

Q: Who was the most famous skeleton detective? A: Sherlock Bones

I wanted to tell a skeleton pun, but I don't have the guts for it.

That skeleton sure brought his appetite to the picnic—and also some spare ribs.

The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.

The skeleton didn't like to talk on the rotary skelephone—he preferred his cell bone.

Skeletons love to binge-watch their favorite shows on the skelevision.

The skeleton couldn't help being afraid of the storm—he just didn't have any guts.

Every Sunday, the skeleton plays his organ for the congregation.

Q: What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal? A: "Bone Appetit!"

Q: What happened to the pirate ship that sank in the sea full of sharks? A: It came back with a skeleton crew!

The favored historical ruler of skeletons is none other than Napoleon Bone-a-part.

Skeletons are great at stand-up comedy—when they use their funny bone.

Skeletons serve tea and coffee on bone china—watch out for chips!

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton dance at the Halloween party? A: He had no body to dance with!

The favorite mode of travel for skeleton pilots is—wait for it—the scareplane or the skelecopter.

The one instrument that the skeleton can play better than others is the trom-bone.

There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.

Q:  Mummy, why do all the other kids call me a hairy werewolf? A:  Now stop talking about that and brush your face!

Q:  What did one thirsty vampire say to the other as they were passing the morgue? A:  Let’s stop in for a cool one!

Q:  How can you tell if a vampire has a horrible cold? A:  By his deep loud coffin!

Q:  What do skeletons say before eating? A:  Bone Appetit!

Q:  Why did the vampire get fired from the blood bank? A:  He was caught drinking on the job!

Q:  What is a vampire’s pet peeve? A:  A Tourniquet!

Q:  Who did the scary ghost invite to his party? A:  Any old friend he could dig up!

Q: What do you call a man who lures women into his place and turns them into ghastly freaks? A: A 1980’s hairdresser!

Q:  What goes Ha-ha-ha-ha!, thud!!! and keeps laughing? A:  A monster laughing it’s head off!

Q:  How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern? A:  With a pumpkin patch.

Q: What is a vampire’s favorite fruit? A: A necktarine!

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton want to go to school? A: His heart wasn’t in it.

Q: What kind of monster loves to disco? A: The boogieman.

Q: What do you call a fat pumpkin? A: A plumpkin.

Q: Why didn’t the scarecrow eat dinner? A: He was already stuffed.

Q: Why are ghosts so bad at lying? A: Because you can see right through them!

Q: When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat? A: When you’re a mouse.

Q: How do you make a witch itch? A: Take away the W.

Q: What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire? A: It’s a pain in the neck.

Q: Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? A: Because demons are a ghouls best friend!

Q: Why can’t the boy ghost have babies? A: Because he has a Hallo-weenie.

Q: What’s it called when a vampire has trouble with his house? A: A grave problem.

Q: How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery? A: All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.

Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? A: Frostbite

Q: What is in a ghost’s nose? A: Boo-gers

Q: Why don’t mummies take time off? A: They’re afraid to unwind.

Q: Why did the vampire need mouthwash? A: Because he had bat breath.

Q: What do you call a witch’s garage? A: A broom closet.

Q: The maker of this product does not want it, the buyer does not use it, and the user does not see it. What is it? A: A coffin.

Q: Where does a ghost go on vacation? A: Mali-boo.

Q: Why do girl ghosts go on diets? A: So they can keep their ghoulish figures.

Q: Why did the headless horseman go into business? A: He wanted to get ahead in life.

Q: Why did the Vampire read the New York Times? A: He heard it had great circulation.

Q: Why did the ghost go into the bar? A: For the Boos.

Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween? A: On blood vessels

Q: Know why skeletons are so calm? A: Because nothing gets under their skin.

Why was the jack-o-lantern afraid to cross the road? He had no guts.

My five-year-old son is crazy about cars, so I took him to his 
first car show. He loved seeing all 
the different models and brands 
and gushed over the big engines, 
the colors, and even the wheels. But the car he was most impressed with was a hearse. “Mom!” he shouted. “Look at all this storage!” Sara Simeral, New London, Connecticut

Q: Why did the chicken go to the 
séance? A: To get to the other side.

Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors? A: If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

Q: What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A: a receding hare-line.

Q: What do you call an old snowman?   A: Water!

Q: What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?   A: The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

Q: What's the different between a cat and a comma?   A: A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.