A Trusted Friend in a Complicated World

Marriage Jokes

Live on the fun side of marriage with our wife jokes and funny husband jokes.

Marriage can be tough. But for better or for worse, these marriage jokes and wedding puns will have you doubling over laughing. Check out our collection of love jokes for an extra laugh.

Facebook Love

My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status “I’m getting a divorce,” he was the first one to click...

Winning Numbers

Q: Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger? A: He's trying to figure out the combination.

One and Only

During a heartfelt chat with her friend about relationships, my wife sighed and said, “You know, if something happened to Lloyd, I don’t think I could ever marry again.” Her...

Love and Learning

Overheard at my garden-club meeting: "I never knew what compost was until I met my husband."

In Training

I identify with football players because I know what it's like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring.

For the Mrs?

Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls. “Your wife must like rolls,” he...

The Right Diagnosis

A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor....

What's That Smell?

For a romantic touch, I washed our sheets with lavender-scented detergent. When my husband got into bed, he sniffed. "What’s this?" he asked. "Guess," I said coyly. "I have no...

Years of Romance

Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office. A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them....

Sailing vs. Shopping

After we had lunch with another couple, the women went shopping, and the men opted to go sailing. Bad decision—a storm blew in while we men were out on the...

True Love

It may have been the most romantic statement ever uttered in our courthouse. In between hearings, a wedding was performed. As the newlyweds left the courtroom, the bride nestled up...

Usual Suspicions

After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious. "You’re running around with another woman— admit it!" she demanded. "What other woman?" Adam shot back. "You’re it!" That...

Reporting for Duty

A soldier in my National Guard platoon became concerned when the Army insisted that he sign up for direct deposit. "It’s not going to work for me," he said, panicked....

The Birthday Present

On his birthday, my husband was stuck driving our six rambunctious children around. As usual, they were yelling, punching, and annoying one another. Joel finally had had enough. "Kids," he...

Hearing Loss

I’d noticed that my 60-year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother. "Things haven’t changed that much," she said. "Only difference is, before,...

Right Answer

Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye. The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his...

Minor Procedure

As I performed a simple medical procedure on my patient, I warned her, "After this, you can’t have sex for at least three days." "Did you hear that?" she asked...

Taking Turns

Scene: My checkout line at the supermarket. Me: Paper or plastic? Customer: I’d like double-bagged paper, and I’d like you to make each bag as heavy as possible. Me: Okay....

Working it Out

One friend complained to another, "All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds." "If it’s that bad, why don’t you just...

Pick Me Up

I was a mess. My career as an artist was going nowhere, my horseback riding was no longer fulfilling, and in general I felt unattractive. My husband did his best...

A Wrong Answer

While doing a crossword puzzle, I asked for my husband’s help. "The word is eight letters long and starts with m, and the clue is ‘tiresome sameness.’" "Monogamy," he answered.

Here To Stay

A customer at a coffee shop was clearly peeved by the text message he’d just received. "You ever have that ex-girlfriend who just won’t go away?" he asked his friend....

For Richer and For Poorer

"When I married Donna, I could get both hands around her waist," said my husband’s grandfather. Pointing at his full-figured wife, he boasted, "Now look how much I got. That’s...

Assumed Name

A fourth marriage meant yet another name change for me. I didn’t realize the upheaval it had caused until I asked my father why I hadn’t heard from him in...

Lightbulb

Q: How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Who cares? They never get the house anyway.

In Trouble

Every night, Harry goes out drinking. And every night, his wife, Louise, yells at him. One day, one of Louise’s friends suggests that she try a different tack. "Welcome him...

Happy

My husband and I attended a bridal fair trying to drum up work for his fledgling wedding photography business. One vendor assumed we were engaged and asked when the big...

Doing Something Wrong

As I picked out flowers for my mother, I noticed a man next to me juggling three boxes of candy and a large bouquet. "What did you do wrong?" I...

Reason for Visit

Suspecting he had a serious medical condition, I nagged my husband until he agreed to see a doctor. Once there, he was handed a mountain of forms to fill out....

Love Letters

My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa. She was in her 20s, and the man she was dating left for war. "We were in love," she recalled,...

Too Many Cooks

A wife is scrambling eggs when her husband bursts into the kitchen. "Careful," he cries. "Careful! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Scramble them! Now! We need more...

Relative Comfort

As my sister relaxed on the couch, her head comfortably leaning against the crook of her husband’s arm, her cell phone beeped. It was a text message from her husband:...

Waking Up

It took me forever to wake up one of my nursing home patients. But after much poking, prodding, and wrangling, he finally sat up and fixed his twinkling blue eyes...

Romantic Travel

When my petite mother found her seat on the airplane, she was crushed between my 200-plus-pound father and another large man. "I bet you wish you’d married a smaller man,"...

Flirting Trouble

Clearly, my husband and I need to brush up on our flirting. The other night, after I crawled into bed next to him, he wrapped his large arms around me,...

The Best Sleep

I returned home from my ninth business trip of the year with a severe bout of jet lag–induced foot-in-mouth disease. As we prepared to go to sleep that night, I...

GPS

Scene: A conversation between two of my friends. Friend #1: Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions? Friend #2: I’m all set. I have the address, a GPS,...

Relearning

Before leaving for Officer Candidates School, I half-jokingly mentioned to my family that I was going to learn how to eat, sleep, shower, and shave all over again. My brother,...

Designated Driver

I turned to my father one night and said, "It’s amazing—50 years and you never once had an affair. How do you account for that?" He replied, "I can’t drive."

A Second Opinion Joke

My friend was at the beauty parlor when she overheard another woman rattle on to the manicurist about the sad state of her marriage. "Things have gotten so bad," she...

Excuses

I was leafing through one of my hunting catalogs when I found something that made me laugh. "Look," I said to my wife. "What I’ve always wanted: a camouflage toilet...

The Pearly Gates

The burial service for the elderly woman climaxed with a massive clap of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder. "Well," said her husband to...

Car Nut

My husband is a car nut. That’s why I could appreciate the card he gave me on our fifth wedding anniversary. It read "The last 72,000 miles of my life...

Enduring Love

My granddaughter asked why I called my husband Hon. "It’s a term of endearment," I explained. My husband mumbled, "After more than 40 years, it’s a term of endurement."

Once in a Lifetime

Last June, my friend told me about her plans for our upcoming prom. "I’m renting a stretch limo and spending $1,000 on a new dress, and I’ve reserved a table...

Subject to Approval

An item on craigslist: "Antique sewing table refinished by my wife, $30. If she's home, $100."

Proper Lighting

Halfway through a romantic dinner, my husband smiled and said, "You look so beautiful under these lights." I was falling in love all over again when he added, "We gotta...

Squeaky Wheel

The wheel of my grocery cart was making a horrible scraping sound as I rolled it through the supermarket. Nevertheless, when I finished my shopping and saw a cartless woman,...

Marriage and Weight

How come married women are heavier than single women? A single woman goes home, sees what’s in the fridge, and goes to bed. A married woman sees what’s in bed...

Marriage Secrets

When I asked a friend the secret to his 52 years of marriage, he replied, "We never go to sleep angry." "That’s a great philosophy," I noted. "Yes. And the...

Second Marriage

‘If I were to die first, would you remarry?" the wife asks. "Well," says the husband, "I’m in good health, so why not?" "Would she live in my house?" "It’s...

Review and Repeat

When my husband pointed out my tendency to retell the same stories over and over, I reminded him that he was just as guilty. "Allow me to clarify," he said...

It’s All Relative

En route to Atlanta, my stepfather spotted some mules by the side of the road. "Relatives?" he asked my mother. Not taking the bait, she responded, "Yeah, through marriage."

Smart Pills

Feeling listless, I bought some expensive "brain-stimulating" pills at the health food store. But it wasn’t until I got home that I read the label. "This is just rosemary extract,"...

Final Farewell

Following a funeral service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out of the church when they accidentally bump into a wall. From inside the coffin they hear a faint moan....

Lost the Keys

I was cleaning a hotel room when the previous occupant came in, looking for her husband’s keys. We searched high and low without luck. I finally peeked underneath the bed...

Fresh Flowers

There are women whose thoughtful husbands buy them flowers for no reason. And then there’s me. One day I couldn’t stand it any longer. "Why don’t you ever bring me...

Rear Window Love

My cell phone quit as I tried to let my wife know that I was caught in freeway gridlock and would be late for our anniversary dinner. I wrote a...

Hypothetical Hollywood

My wife and I were having a very hypothetical discussion: In the unlikely event that Hollywood made a movie based on our lives, we wondered what stars would play us....

Can of Peaches

An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. The inevitable happened and she was caught. Upon her court...

Problem Solver

When we finished a personality assessment at work, I asked my friend Dan if he would share the results with his wife. "That would require me to go home and...

Say It With Flowers

On the first day of our marriage retreat, the instructor talked about the importance of knowing what matters to each other. "For example," he began, pointing to my husband, David,...

Wedlock Wonder

Though the vocabulary words we were learning in my second-grade class sort of sounded the same, they had very different meanings. This concept was not lost on one bright boy...

Business Trip

My husband and I had been trying to have a third child for a while. Unfortunately, the day I was to take a home pregnancy test, he was called out...

Last Minute Gift

A man rushed to the jewelry counter in the store where I work soon after the doors opened one morning and said he needed a pair of diamond earrings. I...

Room For Two

For our honeymoon my fiancée and I chose a fashionable hotel known for its luxurious suites. When I called to make reservations, the desk clerk inquired, "Is this for a...

Missing the Groom

Nancy was Catholic, but her fiancé, Chris, was not. Since my friends were planning to be married in the Catholic Church, Chris made sure to listen carefully throughout their prenuptial...

Wrong Date

One of my customers at the department of motor vehicles wanted a personalized license plate with his wedding anniversary on it. As we completed the paperwork he explained, "This way...

Different Meanings

One night when I dropped in at the police station on my news beat, a large, efficient-looking woman in uniform who packed a service revolver at her waist was behind...

Uninvited

Two convicts are working on a chain gang. "I heard the warden’s daughter up and married a guy down on cellblock D," the first con says to the other. "The...

Running Errands

I work for a security company that transports cash, and part of my job is to work with police if a crew is robbed. One afternoon my wife and I...

Conspiracy Theory

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district-court judge found the perfect green tie to match one of her husband’s sport jackets. Soon after, while the couple was...

Dog Helper

Any time the alarm goes off after-hours at the municipal office where I work, the security company calls me at home and I have to go back and reset it....