A Trusted Friend in a Complicated World

Office Jokes

Laugh out loud with these funny office jokes.

Work hard, play hard! Step outside your cubicle and share our funny office jokes and knock – knock office jokes that will make you everyone’s favorite coworker.

I Don’t Say “Hey” Pro Bono

A lawyer e-mailed a client: “Dear Jennifer: Thought I saw you on the street the other day. Crossed over to say hello, but it wasn’t you, so I went back....

New From the China National Tourism Administration…

The China National Tourism Administration has created tips for its citizens when traveling abroad, including: • Don’t steal life vests from airplanes to give as gifts. • Don’t leave footprints...

“Brought to You by the Division of Vague Announcements”

Heard over the plant’s paging 
system: “Will John Porter please 
return to where you were before you went where you are.” Irene Onorato, Plymouth, Massachusetts

Department of (Ridiculous) Corrections

Journalists and editors on deadline make the occasional error. Some are funnier than others: • NBC reported that American students rank internationally at: “26th math, 21th science, 17th reading.” •...

Part-Time Work

Scene: A man applying for credit at a department store. Clerk: What do you do for a living? Man: I’m a tree trimmer. Clerk: What do you do after Christmas?...

How to Deal With an Errant Bosom

Recently, a man stopped at my desk at the library asking for help: A woman had breast-fed her infant and forgotten to “tuck herself back in.” I walked over to...

PowerPoint: the Program You Love to Hate …

• Were Moses alive today, the Ten Commandments would be known as the Ten Best Practices, presented in PowerPoint and followed by 40 years of status meetings. • The greatest...

The Saddest Story I Know

While at a convention, Bill, Jim, and Scott shared a hotel suite on the 75th floor. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to find that the hotel...

Coversation With A Customer-Service Representative:

Me: I have a Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer that is defective. Customer Rep: Ma’am, we’ll need the exact name of the item. Do you have the box? Me: No, but...

The One About The Fishermen and The Angel

Three guys are fishing when an angel appears. The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and...

Wanted: Human Torch

Who wouldn’t be inspired to hire this young man? If his cover letter is to be believed, he’s eager to light a fire under the most recalcitrant colleague: “I am...

State of Confusion

Scene: The office Me: We have to submit a form to 
every state. Coworker: All 51? Me: Fifty-one? Coworker: Whatever. I’m not good 
at geometry. —Jill Lloyd, Bexley, Ohio

Don’t Even Ask About Condiments…

Scene: office cafeteria line Friend: May I have pepper and salt? (Counter guy looks confused.) Friend: Sir? Pepper and salt? (Counter guy grabs a bell pepper.) Friend: No! Not that...

Am I That Tough?

After interviewing a candidate for an open position, I got a thank-you e-mail, stating, “It was a pressure meeting you.” —Michele Davis, Onsted, Michigan

Overheard at Our Hospital

Phlebotomist: I’m here to draw some blood. Patient: But I just received blood yesterday. Phlebotomist: You didn’t think you’d get to keep it, did you? —Rebecca Shafer, Springfield, Missouri

A Company by Any Other Name

There was a period when our company’s ownership was constantly changing hands, resulting in a new name for the business each time. After the latest regime and name change, I...

Time Flies

As a flight attendant, I wear a watch with two faces: one set for the time in our departure city, and the other set for our destination city. One day,...

Color Me Stupid

A client walked into my design studio with a black-and-white flyer. Client: Can you make a color copy? Me: Do you have the original? Client: No. Just this one. Me:...

Poor word choice, Doc

A doctor sent this note to our medical clinic: “Patient needs a referral for your office from me. I saw her for her ankle and would like you to run...

The New Rules of the Workplace

These office drones know exactly what you’re thinking at work: • No one likes hearing “agree to disagree.” Why don’t we just say, “You’re wrong, but I don’t feel like...

Work is an Onion

Supervisor: This project isn’t something we can finish off quickly. It’s like an onion. It has layers that we have to peel away, one by one. Coworker: And it will...

England’s oddest visa requests

It’s Winter break time, and a lot of people will be traveling. Which means it’s also a great time to be the person who gets to approve visa requests, like...

My cousin once called in sick…

My cousin once called in sick to work because of a “death in the family.” I was her boss. reddit.com

A Grave Error

Our business relies heavily on abbreviations. For example, I called a customer the other day. Reading from my printout, I asked, “Are you still a fun director?” After a pause,...

Tip from an Office Drone

I just set my e-mail’s auto-response to ‘I’m looking into this now. I’ll let you know.’ I literally never have to respond to e-mails again. —@9to5Life

Fraction Infraction

One of my fourth-grade students told me he had trouble with math. His explanation summed it up well: “The guy next to me always gets ten out of ten on...

Job Candi-dolts

Doing your best not to join the workforce? Just act like these job seekers did while meeting hiring managers: • Candidate said he had to quit a banking job because...

Security to Aisle Three…

From an ad for an acting job: “When we finish the commercial, it will be shown on screens in over 200 supermarkets. It’s a great opportunity for you to expose...

Things Could Get Graphic

If you’re a freelance graphic designer, the only thing worse than no clients might be these clients: “You think it’s right to charge us for things just because we don’t...

Teach A Man to Kvetch…

Comedian Daniel Tosh is no fan of the expression “The worst day of fishing is better than the best day at work.” “I’ve watched The Deadliest Catch on Discovery,” he...

What’s the 311?

In New York City, if you have a complaint or a question, dial the city’s 311 hotline and you might get it solved. We doubt these callers did. “Who won...

Thanks, I Think

I recently ran into an old student of mine, who said, "I always liked you. You never had favorites. You were mean to everyone." Lois Henry, Farmington, Maine

Prove It!

Scene: Me at our auto dealership, cold-calling customers. Me: Hi, I’m calling on behalf of… Customer: Is this a recording? Me: No, I am not a recording, sir. May I...

How Not to Get Hired

Going in for a job interview? Don’t mess it up with questions like these from real candidates: “Can my husband finish the test for me?” “Would you consider going on...

First Step’s A Doozy

Mike went into work an hour late, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. “What happened to you?” his boss asked. “I fell down two flights of stairs.” Mike...

Can You Hear Me Ever?

I could barely understand my client due to a lousy phone connection. “Sorry,” he said. “I have the AT&T every-other-word plan.” Sam Cohen, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

70 Years Young

When I interviewed for a job six months after my 70th birthday, I was asked my age. With nothing to hide, I replied, “I’m halfway to my 71st birthday.” The...

Bosses Say the Darnedest Things

Here are actual comments bosses made to employees during their salary reviews: “I’ve got great news. You managed to avoid a salary decrease.” “No, we don’t promote family members first....

Hush, Little Actuary

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. “Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night,” he says. “Have you tried counting sheep?”...

Job Security

Reddit.com asked workers: What is rule number one in your profession? Here’s what came back: Plumber: “Don’t chew your fingernails.” Roofer: “You are fired before you hit the ground.” Camp...

Happy Birthday, Valued Employee!

My boss gave me a generic birthday card. It read “Happy Birthday, Greg!” with the word Greg crossed out and my name penned in above it. Greg was fired last...

Think Globally, Work Scarcely

From the news: “Bob” was considered a star at the computer company where he worked. He made a six-figure salary and routinely received excellent performance reviews. And now we know...

What I Call “an Idiot.”

Scene: Office Suit: Do you have what I call a Sharpie? Secretary: … What you call a Sharpie? Suit: Yes. Secretary: … You and no one else? Suit: It’s like...

Can I Speak To Dad?

Today, my boss fired me from my job at a local family-owned business. Thanks, Mom. —From fmylife.com

I Don’t Know, Let Me Ask My Manager

Yesterday, a guy came up to me at work and said, “How are you ever going to get a job with all those piercings?” I’ll say that again. A guy...

Good Qualities

We asked prospective job applicants at our business to fill out a questionnaire. For the line “Choose one word to summarize your strongest professional attribute,” one woman wrote, “I’m very...

Is the Client Always Right?

A graphic designer on the phone with his client. Designer:  Hi. I’m just updating the copy for your form and was wondering if you meant to say “programs” for the...

Drug Dealer?

My brother delivered prescriptions to people too ill to go out. Since the neighborhoods he visited were often unsafe, he decided to get some protection. "Why do you need a...

How to Ruin an Interview

When you’re interviewing for a job, you want to make an impression. Hiring managers report that these people made one—just not the right kind: Applicant hugged hiring manager at the...

Sensitive Employee

To show his appreciation, a newly hired Japanese office worker bought his boss chocolates. But when he found the box unopened, the insulted worker went ballistic, destroying 22 computers. "I...

Strengths and Weaknesses

A job applicant was asked, "What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses?" "Well," he began, "my main weakness would definitely be my issues with reality—telling what’s...

True Tweet

A truer tweet has never been tweeted: "4:30 is to meeting as water is to boarding."

Weirdest Interview Questions

Job hunting is stressful enough without having to answer these interview questions posed by hiring managers: "Rate yourself on a scale of one to ten how weird you are." "How...

Harshest Incentive

A candy company’s sales team was promised a trip to sunny Hawaii this past winter if they met their sales quota. They missed their mark and instead got the consolation...

Meeting Time

Meetingboy.com invites viewers to gripe about their jobs. Some of the best responses: "No, I wasn’t playing devil’s advocate. I really think your idea is stupid." "Getting an excellent performance...

Overconfidence

My sister Angela was impressed by a job applicant’s confidence. "How will you gain your coworkers’ respect?" she asked. The reply: "Mainly through my misdemeanor."

Global Companies

After receiving the umpteenth late-night communication from a business associate in Asia, I grumbled to my son, "Don’t ever work for a global company!" A reservist, he said, "I already...

The Right Experience?

Someone advertising on Craigslist said she was well suited for child care. After all, she had plenty of experience in "CPR and Choking Children."

Good Experience

When a woman applies for a job at a citrus grove, the foreman asks, "Do you have any experience picking lemons?" "Well," she answers, "I’ve been divorced three times."

With Regular Use

When asked her opinion on punctuality, an applicant for an office job assured me she thought it was extremely important. "I use periods, commas, and question marks all the time,"...

To Whom it May Really Concern

My friend had been pounding the pavement in search of a job with no luck. Frustrated, she asked her dad to look at her résumé. He didn’t get much further...

You Know When It's Time

"Why did you leave your last job?"

"It was something my boss said."

"What did he say?"

"'You're fired!'"

Dates Attended

Applicants for jobs at the company where my friend Diana works are asked to fill out a questionnaire. Among the things candidates list is their high school and when they...

Optimism

My go-getter coworker asked me, "Andrea, why put off till tomorrow what you can do today?” I replied, "On the chance that I get fired this afternoon and don’t have...

Best Reason to Strike

Workers at the Carlsberg brewery in Denmark walked off the job after losing a prized perk: unlimited beer at work. They now have to settle for three beers at lunch....

Crazy Work Excuses

We know you’d never do it, but some people concoct crazy stories so they can skip work. Here are a few, collected by hiring managers: • Employee said a chicken...

Payback Time

When a Middletown, New Jersey, police officer retired, he cited low morale. But he didn’t leave quietly. While walking the beat on his last day, he wrote 14 tickets for...

Job Posting Truth

Posted by the Illinois Valley News: "How bad do you want to be a reporter? Bad enough to work nights and weekends? In exchange for your long hours and tireless...

Job Hunting

I just saw an ad for a position I feel completely qualified for: "Wanted: bartenders. No exp. necessary. Must have: legal ID, phone, transportation, and teeth."

Work Gripes

The Twitter account @MeetingBoy invites viewers to gripe about work. Some of our favorite responses: Hey, everybody! My boss is running a special on poorly thought-out, unworkable ideas today. The...

Job Search

The toughest part of applying for a new job is having to explain why you’re no longer at your previous one. Here are rationalizations from cover letters that did no...

Worst Job Applicant

Cops had no trouble tracking down a woman who allegedly shoplifted from a Toronto-area store. A few minutes earlier, she had interviewed for a job there and left her résumé.

Clients From Hell

Clientsfromhell.com was established by freelance art directors and graphic designers who have seen the dark side of their clients … and survived. Client No. 1: So it turns out you...