Old Age Jokes
Laughing can make you live longer. Read up on our old age jokes and “getting old” jokes to live forever.
Getting old doesn’t have to be sad. Make fun of those grey hairs with these old people jokes and jokes for seniors.
"Now," he said to them, "which one of you wants to go first?"
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Having changed her clothes, Aunt Flora went back to the exercise area. Along one wall she noticed a silver bar that was not in use, and decided to try her hand at chin-ups while she waited. She jumped up, barely reaching the bar, and managed to strain through two chin-ups before the instructor came to her side.
Smiling politely, the instructor said, "If you want to let go of the coat rack and follow me, I'll be glad to help you get started."
"Fifty-eight," answered the patient, eyeing the beeping device on her finger. "What does that do?"
"It's a lie detector," said Glenn with a straight face. "Now, what did you say your age was?"
"Sixty-seven," answered the woman sheepishly.
Two days later, the patient called us, concerned that he had missed our call because of his poor hearing. "I can barely hear, barely see and barely walk," he told me.
Then he added cheerfully, "Things could be worse, though. At least I can still drive."
Bob asks to speak to the pharmacist. He explains they're about to get married, and asks, "Do you sell heart medication?"
"Of course we do," the pharmacist replies.
"Medicine for rheumatism?"
"Definitely," he says.
"How about Viagra?"
"Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
"Yes, the works."
"What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?"
"Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
"All speeds and sizes."
"Good," Bob says to the pharmacist. "We'd like to register for our wedding gifts here, please."
"They're usually about $3,000," he said.
"Okay, well, if you say something worth $3,000," she replied, "I'll get one."
"You've got to be kidding," I said. "I'm almost 40 years old." He apologized, but said he had to insist. When I showed him my license, the clerk served me the beer. "That will be $4.25."
I gave him $5 and told him to keep the change. "The tip's for carding me," I said.
He put the change in the tip cup. "Thanks," he said. "Works every time."
"Don't worry, Grandpa," Nick said cheerily. "Maybe you'll go into overtime."
When a woman I know turned 99 years old, I went to her birthday party and took some photos. A few days later, I brought the whole batch of prints to her so she could choose her favorite.
"Good Lord," she said as she was flipping through them, "I look like I'm a hundred."
"There's one good thing that'll come from this," he told my father.
"What's that?" asked Dad.
"Now I can hide my own Easter eggs."
One afternoon a girl raised her hand and asked me to explain all the talk about a woman's "biological clock." After I'd finished, there was a moment of silence, and then another hand shot up.
"Mrs. Woodard," a student asked, "is your clock still ticking, or has the alarm gone off?"
The mostly under-25 crowd was swaying to the upraised glow of their cell phones.
Carolyn shrugged. "In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway."
The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally he asked, "Those your kids?"
"They sure are," I said with pride.
"Yes," I replied.
"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."
"You mean I have to look at this for the next four years?" I jokingly said to her.
"Don't worry about it," she replied. "In four years it'll look good to you."
"Don't worry," she whispered back. "I won't tell anyone."
"Have you seen this?" I indignantly asked my husband.
"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"
When I showed him the photographs, his face lit up. "Wow! It's my old Plymouth."
"Oh, honey," she responded, "I really don't care about the details."
Later she woke from a nap and grasped my hand, clearly wanting to share something with me. As I leaned forward, she said urgently, "Just don't bury me in plaid."
"Oh, well, I have," she deadpanned. "It's not that great."
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said.
"I've already done that," replied my friend. "I did it last year."
"You have to do it every year," she was told.
"Why?" came the response. "Do you think I'm going to get younger?"
In a few minutes, one of the men got up and came toward our table. "Excuse me," he said. Then he reached over our heads to turn up the volume on the televised ball game.
Finally one of them remarked, "Why don't you just get your breasts done like everyone else?"
At the end of the inning, I was heading for the dugout when our left fielder caught up with me. "That much!" he called, holding his thumb and forefinger a couple of inches apart.
"I know," I replied. "I almost had it."
"No," he said. "I mean that's how far you got off the ground."
"What do you say?" she said.
Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful."
The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.
"Even the teacher is younger than I am," I said.
"Yeah, but look at it from my point of view," he said optimistically. "I thought my days of fooling around with college girls were over."
Our dear friend Trudy attended my husband's birthday party. Though she's been through a lot—including a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery—Trudy was the life of the party as usual. Hugging her good-bye, I couldn't help noticing she had nothing on under her blouse.
"Trudy, you're not wearing a bra!" I whispered.
With a twinkle in her eye she replied, "I may be 70, honey, but they're only 15."
When we sat down to dinner, he gave it to me, asked me to open it and— surprise—out came the tune to "The old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be."
He looked at the picture, crumpled it up, straightened it out and studied it again. "Just great, hon."
"It's my passport picture," she revealed.
"Really?" I stared in amazement at my homebody grandma. "Where did you go?"
"Walgreens," she replied.
One day during lunch with them, I was having trouble following the conversation. Finally I leaned over to one of my sisters and asked what had just been said.
"You should have brought along your pontoon boat," she replied
He gently touched the slightly thinning spot of hair and said in a concerned voice, "Daddy, you have a hole in your head. Does it hurt?"
After a pause, I heard my husband's murmured reply: "Not physically."
After their stares became uncomfortable, we turned toward them. One of the women said, "Don't mind us. We just wanted to see how we'd look in another ten years."
"Yeah," Jim agreed. "It's scary when you have to look through the bottom part of your bifocals to shoot layups and the top part on jump shots."
"I just got my first pair of glasses," she said, and paused as her two preschool boys thundered past her. "Now, if only my hearing would go."
Without pausing, Emily's mother said, "Twenty-four." Emily, 35, nearly fainted on the spot.
After everyone had said their good-byes, Emily asked her mother why she'd told such a whopper.
"Well," she replied, "I've been lying about my age for so long, it suddenly dawned on me that I'd have to start lying about yours too."
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
"Well, judging by my mother," I said, "at least my hearing will improve. My mother can hear my biological clock ticking from 200 miles away."
His prompt reply: "Grandfathers."
Concerned with how I was spending my time, he asked about my future plans. I told him I was in no hurry to tie myself down to a career.
"Well," he replied, "you better start thinking about it. You'll be thirty before you know it."
"But I'm closer to twenty than to thirty," I protested. "I won't be thirty for eight more years."
"I see," he said, smiling. "And when will you be twenty again?"
"Hey," he called out, "who owns the car with the plate 'I ate again'?"
My husband stood there rubbing his face as he let me rant and rave. Then it hit me: He'd shaved off his six-month-old beard.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," he told the maitre d'. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
About a month later, while my husband was wearing his shirt, a young man approached him. "Did you really hike the canyon?" he asked.
My husband beamed with pride and answered, "Sure did!"
"No kidding!" the fellow said. "What year?"