One-Liners

Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.

Q. What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?

A. I don’t know and I don’t care.

Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.

Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.

A pig stands in front of an electric socket: “Oh no, who put you into that wall?!”

Meanwhile, in a parallel universe: “Oh for God’s sake! Where are all these extra single socks coming from?!”

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

“Um.” —First horse that got ridden

A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.

Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.

Steve Martin

The four most beautiful words in our common language: 
I told you so.

Gore Vidal

All pro athletes are 
bilingual. They speak English and profanity.

Gordie Howe, hockey player

I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure 
if I ever went there, I could get by. Bonnie McFarlane

I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.

Steven Wright

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

When I was growing up, my mother’s best dish was store-bought Entenmann’s chocolate chip cookies.

—Michael Ian Black, 
from Navel Gazing (Gallery Books)

“Next time I send a damn fool, 
I go myself.”

—Sgt. Louis Cukela, reportedly said at the 
Battle of Belleau Wood during World War I