One-Liners

Our funny one-liner jokes are short, sweet and make you laugh.

Steal these classic one-liner jokes in our collection of the best one-liner jokes from experts in funny like Milton Berle and Conan O’Brien.

Jay Leno on Pet Scams

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is...

Rita Rudner on The Perks of Dog Ownership

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet. Rita Rudner

The Truth About Puppies

Just realized a pregnant dog is a dog full of puppies. That’s the best. @shutupmikeginn

Dog Mom Is Always Right

“We’re eating 
dinner soon. 
Don’t fill up 
on homework.” 
—Dog mom  Alex Baze (@bazecraze)

Harry Hill on Dog Enthusiasm

Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them. Harry Hill

The Paradox of Grown-Ups

I spend three minutes every 
day choosing a TV channel 
to leave on for my dog. Then 
I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult. @damienfahey

DUN DUN

The Complete Law and Order boxed set is now available for only $300. The perfect gift for someone unaware of the existence of USA 
Network. @EliBraden, comedian

The Oscar Goes to…

My greatest acting performance is when I check the caller ID, then adopt an air of polite curiosity as 
I answer the phone “Hello?” @SethMacFarlane

Hut, Hut, Gripe!

Sick of having to go to two 
different huts to buy pizza and sunglasses. @Leemanish

Clean Your Plate

The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history. @PaulyPeligroso

Amir Blumenfeld on Eggplant Alternatives

If you think 
eggplant is good, you should try any other food; it’s much better. @jakeandamir 
(Amir Blumenfeld)

The Taste of Wicker

Triscuit is the perfect 
combination of cracker and doormat. @1CarParade 
(Jason Gelles)

A Bar Walks Into a Man…

Clif Bars answer the question “What if it wasn’t frowned upon to eat an entire sleeve of mushed-up 
oatmeal cookies before noon?” @JulieKlausner

Holy Vision

Bifocals are God’s way of saying, “Keep your chin up.” Comedian Matt Wohlfarth

Antisocial Media

Hate to break it to you, 
Facebook, but the entire Internet 
is already a Dislike button. @JoshGroban

Kitchen Confidential

My friends tell me that cooking is easy, but it’s not easier than not cooking. Maria Bamford

Bloody Good Question

How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have 
a huge clock right in the middle 
of the town. Jimmy Kimmel

Mild, Mild West

I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could’ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone. Seen...

Well, Dishes Annoying

I’d rather spend ten minutes 
rearranging the dishwasher to 
accommodate something than spend 30 seconds washing it by hand. @goldengateblond (shauna)

Margin of Error

Here’s some advice: At a job 
interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician. Comedian Adam Gropman

Router-stiltskin

I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my 
first child. @1followernodad (Sophia Benoit)

Stewart Francis on Spelling

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world. Stewart Francis

Trash of Society

“Pickup artists” and “garbagemen” should switch names. @ceejoyner 
(Chris Joyner)

Paula Poundstone on Over-Sharing

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon. Paula Poundstone

Groucho Marx on Make Outs

Whoever named 
it necking is a poor judge of anatomy. Groucho Marx

Jay Leno on Twinkies

General Mills 
is coming out with an organic Twinkie. Isn’t that called a sponge? Jay Leno

Bank on Confusion

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank. @RowdyBowden (derek lawler)

Poor Sport

Does it disturb anyone else that “The Los Angeles Angels” baseball team translates directly to “The The Angels Angels”? Neil DeGrasse Tyson

Robert Brault on Halloween

I don't know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids. —Robert Brault

Reid Faylor on Halloween

I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won't come when I call him. —Reid Faylor

David Letterman on Halloween

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve. —David Letterman

“Come Out With Your Pants Up!”

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that's the law. —Jerry Seinfeld

Doggoned Dumb

A sign said, “Do not allow your dog to chase, 
injure, or worry wildlife.” How is a dog going to “worry” wildlife? Run up to a bird: “Hey, I think...

Drunkard’s Law

“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” 
—Alcohol @yoyoha (Josh Hara)

Arachni-date

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer. @FattMernandez (Matt Fernandez)

Short on Class

“Don’t worry; I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” 
- Cargo Shorts @DearAnyone (Artie Johann)

Game Respect Game

My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me 
everything you know.” @NicCageMatch

An Old Army Truism…

Coffee tastes better if the latrines are dug downstream from an encampment. Source: milhist.net

Parenting Is Easy—I Swear!

The biggest change after having kids was putting a swear jar in the house. Whenever I say a bad word, 
I have to put a dollar in the jar, and...

Duper Man

I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog and she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?” @Robfee

Contested Rules

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else. @PeachCoffin

The Worst Page in The Dictionary

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous. @sixthformpoet

Steven Wright on Tourism

I walked up to a tourist information booth and asked them to tell me about a couple of people who were here last year. Steven Wright

Lew Schneider on Sunblock

We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out. Lew Schneider

Peter Serafinowicz, on Denial

There's no “I” in denial. Peter Serafinowicz

Matt Wohlfarth, on Nostalgia

I admit that I live in the past, 
but only because housing is so much cheaper. Comedian Matt Wohlfarth

A Tough Question, by Jay Leno

How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery”? Jay Leno

A Tough Question, by Bill Bailey

Nostalgia: How long’s that been around? Bill Bailey

A Tough Question, by Betsy Salkind

Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day with other people? Betsy Salkind

A Tough Question, by Jon Stewart

If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress? Jon Stewart

A Tough Question, by Jerry Seinfeld

What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon? Jerry Seinfeld

A Tough Question, by Zach Galifianakis

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell 
a highway it’s adopted? Zach Galifianakis

A Tough Question, by George Carlin

What should you do when 
you see an endangered animal 
eating an endangered plant? George Carlin

Ahead of the Competition

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. 
A stone’s throw away, in fact. Stewart Francis

A Brow Beating

I told my girlfriend that it looked like she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised. Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware

And That's The Way it is

Any time a person with a journalism degree writes a story about 
a celebrity getting bangs, Walter Cronkite punches an angel. @JENNYJOHNSONHi5

Ken Jennings on Dog Walkers

My favorite game  is “Professional Dog Walker or Crazy Person?” @KenJennings

Hotel Time-Travel

A hotel minibar allows you to 
see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020. Comedian Rich Hall

Maggie Smith on Annoying People

There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test. Source: The Dowager Countess (Maggie Smith), 
on Downton Abbey

Stephen Colbert on Internships

Try an internship! Internships give you all the experience of a summer job without the hassle of a paycheck. Stephen Colbert

The Weirdest Summer Job Ever

Being a lifeguard is a weird summer job for a kid. Ninety-nine percent of the time, sit and do nothing. One percent of the time, SAVE SOMEONE’S LIFE. Jake Weisman...

Demetri Martin's Summer Plans

This summer, I’m going to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say "Get a life" on them. Demetri Martin

My First Job…

I got my first full-time job, but I could have sworn I was making more money in college, working for my parents as their daughter. Melanie Reno

Fractured Fairy Tales

• There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She got her own TLC show. The end. —Ryan Anderson 
(@kolchak)   • I have never worked out the...

The Meaning of War

Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography. Comedian Paul Rodriguez

Thanks, MapQuest

MapQuest really needs to start its directions on number five. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. Aaron Karo, from ruminations.com

Misfortune Cookie

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”...

The Funniest Person in The World

The Laugh Factory in Los 
Angeles invited comedians from around the globe to join its Funniest Person in the World Contest. Here are some finalists: • In Paris, I am...

Matthew Wohlfarth on Exercise

I work out religiously—Christmas and Easter. Submitted by comedian Matthew Wohlfarth

Zen Koans for the Internet Age

• If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating? • What is the sound of no hands texting? • If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value...

Dog on The Job

Sometimes I like to sit my dog down for a performance review, just to remind him who’s boss. @rmfnord

Jimmy Fallon on ISIS

The Pentagon announced that its fight against ISIS will be called Operation Inherent Resolve. They came up with that name using Operation Random Thesaurus. Jimmy Fallon

Watch Your Sodium

I’m at the age where I can’t take anything with a grain of salt. Submitted by comedian Matt Wohlfarth