Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.
Precisely!
Q. What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A. I don’t know and I don’t care.
Tough Sentencing
Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.
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Rock, paper, ticket
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
Check your math
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
Supercharged swine
A pig stands in front of an electric socket: “Oh no, who put you into that wall?!”
The lost socks
Meanwhile, in a parallel universe: “Oh for God’s sake! Where are all these extra single socks coming from?!”
The original iPad
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
All Opposed Say Neigh
“Um.” —First horse that got ridden
No Onion, No Cry
A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
What’s the Quesa-deally-yo?
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
Steve Martin on Success
Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.
Steve Martin
Gore Vidal on The Four Most Beautiful Words
The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.
Gore Vidal
Gordie Howe on The Language of Sports
All pro athletes are bilingual. They speak English and profanity.
Gordie Howe, hockey player
Bonnie McFarlane on The Toughest Language…
I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by. Bonnie McFarlane
Steven Wright on Language Tapes
I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.
Steven Wright
Friendly Competition…
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.
But I laugh more.
Michael Ian Black on Mom’s Best Dish
When I was growing up, my mother’s best dish was store-bought Entenmann’s chocolate chip cookies.
—Michael Ian Black, from Navel Gazing (Gallery Books)
If You Need Something Done Wrong…
“Next time I send a damn fool, I go myself.”
—Sgt. Louis Cukela, reportedly said at the Battle of Belleau Wood during World War I