One-Liners

The best thing about good old days is that we were neither good nor old.

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

“Um.” —First horse that got ridden

A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.

Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.

Steve Martin

The four most beautiful words in our common language: 
I told you so.

Gore Vidal

All pro athletes are 
bilingual. They speak English and profanity.

Gordie Howe, hockey player

I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by. Bonnie McFarlane

I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.

Steven Wright

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

When I was growing up, my mother’s best dish was store-bought Entenmann’s chocolate chip cookies.

—Michael Ian Black, 
from Navel Gazing (Gallery Books)

“Next time I send a damn fool, 
I go myself.”

—Sgt. Louis Cukela, reportedly said at the 
Battle of Belleau Wood during World War I

Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”

@ElizaBayne

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

Comedian Dick Gregory

A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times.

@DamienFahey