One-Liners

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

I spend three minutes every day choosing a TV channel to leave on for my dog. Then I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult.

@damienfahey

The Complete Law and Order boxed set is now available for only $300. The perfect gift for someone unaware of the existence of USA Network.

@EliBraden, comedian

My greatest acting performance is when I check the caller ID, then adopt an air of polite curiosity as I answer the phone “Hello?”

@SethMacFarlane

Sick of having to go to two different huts to buy pizza and sunglasses.

@Leemanish

The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history.

@PaulyPeligroso

If you think eggplant is good, you should try any other food; it’s much better.

@jakeandamir (Amir Blumenfeld)

Triscuit is the perfect combination of cracker and doormat.

@1CarParade (Jason Gelles)

Clif Bars answer the question “What if it wasn’t frowned upon to eat an entire sleeve of mushed-up oatmeal cookies before noon?”

@JulieKlausner

Bifocals are God’s way of saying, “Keep your chin up.”

Comedian Matt Wohlfarth

Hate to break it to you, Facebook, but the entire Internet is already a Dislike button.

@JoshGroban

My friends tell me that cooking is easy, but it’s not easier than not cooking.

Maria Bamford

How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town.

Jimmy Kimmel

I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could’ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.

Seen on reddit.com

I’d rather spend ten minutes rearranging the dishwasher to accommodate something than spend 30 seconds washing it by hand.

@goldengateblond (shauna)

Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.

Comedian Adam Gropman

I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child.

@1followernodad (Sophia Benoit)

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.

Stewart Francis

“Pickup artists” and “garbagemen” should switch names.

@ceejoyner (Chris Joyner)

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.

Paula Poundstone

Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.

Groucho Marx

General Mills is coming out with an organic Twinkie. Isn’t that called a sponge?

Jay Leno

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

@RowdyBowden (derek lawler)

Does it disturb anyone else that “The Los Angeles Angels” baseball team translates directly to “The The Angels Angels”?

Neil DeGrasse Tyson

I don’t know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids.

—Robert Brault

I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.

—Reid Faylor

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.

—David Letterman

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.

—Jerry Seinfeld

A sign said, “Do not allow your dog to chase, injure, or worry wildlife.” How is a dog going to “worry” wildlife? Run up to a bird: “Hey, I think you’ve got something on your beak. It could be a tumor.”

Andy Kindler

“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol

@yoyoha (Josh Hara)

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

@FattMernandez (Matt Fernandez)

“Don’t worry; I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” - Cargo Shorts

@DearAnyone (Artie Johann)

My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”

@NicCageMatch

Coffee tastes better if the latrines are dug downstream from an encampment.

Source: milhist.net

The biggest change after having kids was putting a swear jar in the house. Whenever I say a bad word, I have to put a dollar in the jar, and at the end of every month, I take all that money and buy myself a nice steak for being such a cool dad.

Comedian Mark Chalifoux

I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog and she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”

@Robfee

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.

@PeachCoffin

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

@sixthformpoet

I walked up to a tourist information booth and asked them to tell me about a couple of people who were here last year.

Steven Wright

We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.

Lew Schneider

There’s no “I” in denial.

Peter Serafinowicz

I admit that I live in the past, but only because housing is so much cheaper.

Comedian Matt Wohlfarth

How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Jay Leno

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day with other people?

Betsy Salkind

If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?

Jon Stewart

What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon?

Jerry Seinfeld

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?

Zach Galifianakis

What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

George Carlin

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.

Stewart Francis

I told my girlfriend that it looked like she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware

Any time a person with a journalism degree writes a story about a celebrity getting bangs, Walter Cronkite punches an angel.

@JENNYJOHNSONHi5

My favorite game  is “Professional Dog Walker or Crazy Person?”

@KenJennings

A hotel minibar allows you to see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.

Comedian Rich Hall

There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.

Source: The Dowager Countess (Maggie Smith), on Downton Abbey

Try an internship! Internships give you all the experience of a summer job without the hassle of a paycheck.

Stephen Colbert

Being a lifeguard is a weird summer job for a kid. Ninety-nine percent of the time, sit and do nothing. One percent of the time, SAVE SOMEONE’S LIFE.

Jake Weisman (@weismanjake)

This summer, I’m going to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say “Get a life” on them.

Demetri Martin

I got my first full-time job, but I could have sworn I was making more money in college, working for my parents as their daughter.

Melanie Reno

• There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She got her own TLC show. The end. —Ryan Anderson (@kolchak)

• I have never worked out the moral to Humpty Dumpty. Is it, “Don’t let horses perform medical procedures”?  —Ricky Gervais

• Cinderella’s fairy godmother turned her rags into a gown, mice into horses, and a pumpkin into endless lattes for her and her BFFs to enjoy.
• Old McDonald was dyslexic, I-E-I-E-O.  —Billy Connolly

• And every six months, she would trade in her aging sheep for a new one. Because without a little lamb, Mary didn’t know who she was.    —@andrewhibbard

• My wife said she wanted a “fairy-tale romance,” so I’ve locked her in a tower. —@tonycowards

Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.

Comedian Paul Rodriguez

MapQuest really needs to start its directions on number five. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Aaron Karo, from ruminations.com

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”

Carol Burks, Providence, Rhode Island

The Laugh Factory in Los Angeles invited comedians from around the globe to join its Funniest Person in the World Contest. Here are some finalists:

• In Paris, I am driving a Smart car, you know, the very tiny one. But I don’t do it much, because it’s too dangerous. I could get run over by a pedestrian.    Mustapha El Atrassi, France

• Have you noticed that all bottled water has the “best before” date printed on it? The water has circled the earth for four billion years … but now it’s ruined?   Ismo Leikola, Finland

• This is the tenth anniversary of my comedy career. It’s also the anniversary of my father begging me not to do comedy.
Nitin Mirani, United Arab Emirates

I work out religiously—Christmas and Easter.

Submitted by comedian Matthew Wohlfarth

• If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?

• What is the sound of no hands texting?

• If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value of the self?

• To see a man’s true face, look to the photos he hasn’t posted.

Brandon Specktor

Sometimes I like to sit my dog down for a performance review, just to remind him who’s boss.
@rmfnord

The Pentagon announced that its fight against ISIS will be called Operation Inherent Resolve. They came up with that name using Operation Random Thesaurus.

Jimmy Fallon

I’m at the age where I can’t take anything with a grain of salt.

Submitted by comedian Matt Wohlfarth

Febreze air fresheners: for people who are like, “Cover a smell instead of cleaning it? Yes, I’m OK with that.”

Erin Whitehead @girlwithatail