One-Liners

If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found a treasure map by now. @LizHackett

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears, you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this, now?” @KarenKilgariff

Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions. @SCbchbum (Erica)

Drama: a word boring people use 
to describe fun people. @jennyandteets (Jenny Mollen)

“If you lived here, you’d be om by now.” Alan Zoldan, Wesley Hills, New York

1. Nice shirt. 2. Wow. A second nice shirt. 3. OK, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts. @Ristolable

No, I’m not walking on string-cheese stilts. These are just my first bare legs of the season. @sassycurmudgeon (Una LaMarche)

Red sky at night, shepherd’s 
delight. Blue sky at night, day. Humorist Tom Parry

One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends. @MichelleIsAWolf (Michelle Wolf)

We can teach kids there’s no i in team, but it’s way more important 
to teach them that there’s no a in 
definitely. Humorist Aaron Fullerton

This may be the wine talking, 
but I really, really, really, really love wine. @RobinMcCauley

The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form. Businessman Stanley Randall

Please stop calling us your “squad,” Linda; this is book club. @RandiLawson

I once gave my husband the 
silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!” Bonnie McFarlane, 
from You’re Better Than Me

Hallmark: “When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by 
a corporation.” Ritz crackers: “Tiny, edible plates.” CliffsNotes: “They’re still going to know you didn’t read the book.” Gillette: “We’re just going to keep adding blades.” ChapStick: “You’ll misplace it before the tube’s empty.” Hot Pockets: “Every bite is a different temperature.” Source: honestslogans.com

Don’t get upset if I ask you 
where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop. Humorist Reid Kerr

I think it’s pretty cool how 
the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos. Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware

I’m trying to get into classical 
music, but I can’t find any original recordings. All the music is performed by cover bands. Dan Burt, on humorlabs.com

Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside. @JoshGondelman

There is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you’re getting a double-cheek kiss. @michmarkowitz (Michelle Markowitz)

Been reading up on the 
thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage. @dinokitten

If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works? @bridger_w 
(Bridger Winegar)

We get it, poets: Things are like other things. @shutupmikeginn (Mike Ginn)

Yeah, I’d probably freak out too if 
a raven flew into my house. That poem still holds up. @SeanWhiteComedy 
(Sean Gilbert White)

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so 
every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …” Demetri Martin

How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Need to know ASAP. @RobinMcCauley

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace. @longwall26

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant. Patrick McLellan (@pmclellan)

A Canadian psychologist is 
selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog 
is smarter than you. Jay Leno

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet. Rita Rudner

Just realized a pregnant dog is a dog full of puppies. That’s the best. @shutupmikeginn

“We’re eating 
dinner soon. 
Don’t fill up 
on homework.” 
—Dog mom  Alex Baze (@bazecraze)

Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them. Harry Hill

I spend three minutes every 
day choosing a TV channel 
to leave on for my dog. Then 
I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult. @damienfahey

The Complete Law and Order boxed set is now available for only $300. The perfect gift for someone unaware of the existence of USA 
Network. @EliBraden, comedian

My greatest acting performance is when I check the caller ID, then adopt an air of polite curiosity as 
I answer the phone “Hello?” @SethMacFarlane

Sick of having to go to two 
different huts to buy pizza and sunglasses. @Leemanish

The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history. @PaulyPeligroso

If you think 
eggplant is good, you should try any other food; it’s much better. @jakeandamir 
(Amir Blumenfeld)

Triscuit is the perfect 
combination of cracker and doormat. @1CarParade 
(Jason Gelles)