Febreze air fresheners: for people who are like, “Cover a smell instead of cleaning it? Yes, I’m OK with that.”
Erin Whitehead @girlwithatail
RD.COM Jokes One-Liners Page 3
One-Liners
Our funny one-liner jokes are short, sweet and make you laugh.
Steal these classic one-liner jokes in our collection of the best one-liner jokes from experts in funny like Milton Berle and Conan O’Brien.
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Sarah Silverman on Cleaning House
My kitchen floor is sticky, and
I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers.
Sarah Silverman
My kitchen floor is sticky, and
I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers.
Sarah Silverman
The Mark of Good Cleaning
Oh man, just did some serious cleaning in here. You could
totally eat off this table.
Matthew O’Brien @mattOB34
Oh man, just did some serious cleaning in here. You could
totally eat off this table.
Matthew O’Brien @mattOB34
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Zach Galifianakis on Laundry
You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
Zach Galifianakis
You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
Zach Galifianakis
Dating a Hoarder
I used to date a hoarder, and she broke up with me. That stings extra hard—I’m like the one thing she can get rid of.
Sam Morril
I used to date a hoarder, and she broke up with me. That stings extra hard—I’m like the one thing she can get rid of.
Sam Morril
BULLETIN: Stoop Sale
Stoop sale this Sunday, 12 to 4 p.m.
Throwing all my crap in the
garbage this Sunday, 4:15 p.m.
Ritch Duncan @ritchied
Stoop sale this Sunday, 12 to 4 p.m.
Throwing all my crap in the
garbage this Sunday, 4:15 p.m.
Ritch Duncan @ritchied
Megan Amram on Mystery
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.
@meganamram
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.
@meganamram
The Star of Cake Boss Was Arrested…
The star of Cake Boss was
arrested for DWI. Police interrogated him for 30 minutes at 350 degrees.
Comedian Joe Toplyn
The star of Cake Boss was
arrested for DWI. Police interrogated him for 30 minutes at 350 degrees.
Comedian Joe Toplyn
When Smart is Too Smart
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone.
@clarkekant
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone.
@clarkekant
Parenting Fads According to The Onion
The latest parenting fads,
according to the Onion:
• Couples are waiting to announce their pregnancy until after their child has graduated college and become
a partner in a successful law firm.
• Parents are choosing not to learn the gender of their obstetrician.
• As part of the new Infinity Womb trend, women are using a wide range of Lamaze, strength-training, and yoga techniques to forcefully prevent their children from ever leaving their wombs, forever protecting them from the harsh realities of the world.
The latest parenting fads, according to the Onion: • Couples are waiting to announce their pregnancy until after their child has graduated college and become a partner in a successful...
@BillMurray on Child Naming
The cool part about naming
your kid is you don’t have to add
six numbers to make sure the name
is available.
@billmurray
The cool part about naming
your kid is you don’t have to add
six numbers to make sure the name
is available.
@billmurray
Hedberg on Highlights
I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.
Comedian Mitch Hedberg
I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.
Comedian Mitch Hedberg
Airport Insecurity
The head of the TSA resigned after about four years on the job. Here’s how much of America heard the news.
“[John Pistole retired today.] His employees toasted him with less than three ounces of champagne. Then they gave him a gold watch, and he had to take it off and put it in a bin.” —Conan O’Brien, on Conan
“He actually stepped down a while ago, but he’s been going through
security for three and a half years.” —Jimmy Fallon, on The Tonight Show
The head of the TSA resigned after about four years on the job. Here’s how much of America heard the news. “[John Pistole retired today.] His employees toasted him with...
Waking Up is Hard to Do
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I had to do it only three times a week. This every-day thing is overkill.
@Popcorngoddess1
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I had to do it only three times a week. This every-day thing is overkill.
@Popcorngoddess1
Notable Never-isms
• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford
• Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office. —Shirley Maclaine
• Never board
a commercial
aircraft if the
pilot is wearing
a tank top. —Dave Barry
• Never be in a
hurry to terminate a marriage. You
may need this person to finish a sentence. —Erma Bombeck
• Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information. —Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding
• Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper. —Quentin
Crisp
• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford • Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for...
Steer Clear of this Joke
A farmer counted 196 cows in
the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
A farmer counted 196 cows in
the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
Where are Average Things Manufactured?
The satisfactory.
The satisfactory.
Did You Dye Your Beard?
You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.
Robert Paul
You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.
Robert Paul
The Wright Way to Give
One Christmas, my grandfather gave me a box
of broken glass. He gave my brother a box of
Band-Aids and said, “You two share.”
Steven Wright
One Christmas, my grandfather gave me a box
of broken glass. He gave my brother a box of
Band-Aids and said, “You two share.”
Steven Wright
Mazel Tov, Mary!
Christmas is a baby shower that
went totally
overboard.
Andy Borowitz
Christmas is a baby shower that
went totally
overboard.
Andy Borowitz
Christmas Freedom
The holiday
season:
a deeply religious
time that each of us
observes, in his own way, by going to the
mall of his choice.
Dave Barry
The holiday
season:
a deeply religious
time that each of us
observes, in his own way, by going to the
mall of his choice.
Dave Barry
Better Luck Next Year
I once bought my kid a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying “Toys not included.”
Bernard Manning
I once bought my kid a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying “Toys not included.”
Bernard Manning
Insulting Santa
This mall
Santa seems insulted that I put down that protective paper before sitting on his lap.
Conan O'Brien
This mall
Santa seems insulted that I put down that protective paper before sitting on his lap.
Conan O'Brien
Snappy Answers to Bad Résumés
Professionals at the staffing agency Robert Half International have seen a lot of peculiar résumés. Here are some favorite gaffes, followed by wisecracks from the pros:
• Education: “I have a bachelorette degree in computers.” (The pajama party starts at 7 p.m.)
• Tools: “Human brain 1.0.” (We’ll wait for the upgrade.)
• References: “My landscaper.”
(A reference who will give you two green thumbs up.)
• Date of Employment: “2002–9999.” (She’s earned her gold watch!)
• Experience: “Worked successfully on a team of one.” (I assume you all got along?)
From resumania.com and Robert Half
Professionals at the staffing agency Robert Half International have seen a lot of peculiar résumés. Here are some favorite gaffes, followed by wisecracks from the pros: • Education: “I have...
It Beats a Board Meeting
The office Christmas party
is a great opportunity to catch up
with people you haven’t seen for
20 minutes.
@juliussharpe
The office Christmas party
is a great opportunity to catch up
with people you haven’t seen for
20 minutes.
@juliussharpe
A Fax?
You’re sending me something via fax? What is it, an important document from 1993?
From meetingboy.com
You’re sending me something via fax? What is it, an important document from 1993?
From meetingboy.com
Sky's the Limit
Humankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there.
Source: propilots.org
Humankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there.
Source: propilots.org
Dad Jokes from Granddad
None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get
less-on-ya.” I say to the ten-year-old, “Don’t yell through the screen; you’ll strain your voice.” And when I took another grandson to the zoo, I asked, “Do you know why that snake’s not pressed against the glass? He doesn’t want to be a windshield viper.”
They’ll probably laugh later.
Homer Adams, Nashville, Tennessee
None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get less-on-ya.” I say to the...
Casting a Spell
Can’t believe the National Spelling Bee ended in a tye.
@MattGoldich
Can’t believe the National Spelling Bee ended in a tye.
@MattGoldich
Common Ground
The Olympics remind us that no matter what country we may be from, we all look dumb using an iPad as a camera.
@DCpierson
The Olympics remind us that no matter what country we may be from, we all look dumb using an iPad as a camera.
@DCpierson
…And Your Little Blog, Too!
What if the whole ice-bucket challenge is just a long game to bring down the Wicked Witch of the West?
@Apocalypsehow
What if the whole ice-bucket challenge is just a long game to bring down the Wicked Witch of the West?
@Apocalypsehow
Say it With Your Pants
Boy, what a bad guy that guy is, that Vladimir Putin. Obama is really getting tough with him. Now he’s wearing a much more aggressive shade of beige.
David Letterman
Boy, what a bad guy that guy is, that Vladimir Putin. Obama is really getting tough with him. Now he’s wearing a much more aggressive shade of beige. David Letterman
You Get What You Pay For
Dollar Tree bought Family Dollar for about $8 billion. It would have been $10 billion, but Family Dollar was dented.
@JoeToplyn
Dollar Tree bought Family Dollar for about $8 billion. It would have been $10 billion, but Family Dollar was dented.
@JoeToplyn
Cut and Run
The one thing I’ve learned from the World Cup is that Europe still hasn’t mastered the haircut.
@Bazecraze
The one thing I’ve learned from the World Cup is that Europe still hasn’t mastered the haircut.
@Bazecraze
How do You Drown a Hipster?
Throw him into the mainstream.
Submitted by Jesse Rehn,
Green Bay, Wisconsin
Throw him into the mainstream.
Submitted by Jesse Rehn,
Green Bay, Wisconsin
The Greatest Disguise
I wonder if Halloween is the one day of the year Lady Gaga wears sensible slacks.
Jimmy Kimmel
I wonder if Halloween is the one day of the year Lady Gaga wears sensible slacks.
Jimmy Kimmel
I Owe My Life to Justin Bieber…
... I was in a coma for two years, until a nurse played one of
his songs on the radio in my room, and I had to wake up
to turn it off.
… I was in a coma for two years, until a nurse played one of his songs on the radio in my room, and I had to wake up to...
Back To The Cleaners
My biggest problem with time travel is: How many days would you pack for?
@JoshGondelman
My biggest problem with time travel is: How many days would you pack for?
@JoshGondelman
Or Maybe While Breakdancing
The worst time to have a heart
attack is during a game of charades.
Demetri Martin
The worst time to have a heart
attack is during a game of charades.
Demetri Martin
A Colorful Diet
My parents used to stuff
me with candy when I was a kid. M&M’s, Jujubes, SweeTarts. I don’t think they wanted a child; I think they wanted a piñata.
Wendy Liebman
My parents used to stuff me with candy when I was a kid. M&M’s, Jujubes, SweeTarts. I don’t think they wanted a child; I think they wanted a piñata. Wendy...
The Better Paleo Diet
I’m on the Paleo diet,
except I’m the caveman who discovered Snickers.
@rexhuppke
I’m on the Paleo diet,
except I’m the caveman who discovered Snickers.
@rexhuppke
You Are What Your Eat
I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped eating them when I realized that for me, it was basically cannibalism.
Rob O’Reilly
I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped eating them when I realized that for me, it was basically cannibalism.
Rob O’Reilly
A Holiday Quiz
“Pretend to be someone you’re
not, and receive candy.” Quick:
Halloween or
Valentine’s Day?
@aaronfullerton
“Pretend to be someone you’re
not, and receive candy.” Quick:
Halloween or
Valentine’s Day?
@aaronfullerton
I'm a Busy Ghost, People
People always ask kids the same stupid questions. “What are you supposed to be?”
I’m supposed to be done by now. You wanna move it along with the 3 Musketeers?
Jerry Seinfeld
People always ask kids the same stupid questions. “What are you supposed to be?” I’m supposed to be done by now. You wanna move it along with the 3 Musketeers?...
A Fun-Size Quibble
When it comes
to candy bars, the term fun-sized
is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being ⅛ the size of a regular bar. You should call them what they are:
“disappointment-sized.”
Jimmy Kimmel
When it comes to candy bars, the term fun-sized is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being ⅛ the size of a regular bar. You should call...
The Face of Deception
“I have a beard.” —a bald-faced liar
Myq Kaplan
“I have a beard.” —a bald-faced liar
Myq Kaplan
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The Real Reason For Shaving Cream
Do you think shaving cream really softens your beard …
or is it just so you don’t lose your place?
Jackie Flynn
Do you think shaving cream really softens your beard …
or is it just so you don’t lose your place?
Jackie Flynn
When is Your Beard Too Long?
When the comments turn from “Hey! I really like your beard!” into “Hey! … A beard!”
Ron Babcock
When the comments turn from “Hey! I really like your beard!” into “Hey! … A beard!”
Ron Babcock
Facial Deduction
Some guy’s looking at this old picture of me with no beard. Then he looks at me and goes, “You grow a beard?”
No, I shave my photos.
Sean Morey
Some guy’s looking at this old picture of me with no beard. Then he looks at me and goes, “You grow a beard?” No, I shave my photos. Sean Morey
Pick a 'Vember, Any 'Vember
While you’re honoring Movember by not shaving for prostate cancer awareness, I’ll be celebrating Doughvember, the pizza month I made up.
@ChrisThayerSays
While you’re honoring Movember by not shaving for prostate cancer awareness, I’ll be celebrating Doughvember, the pizza month I made up.
@ChrisThayerSays
The Spirit of Movember
I won’t be shaving this November, in order to raise awareness for
how lazy I am.
Tim Siedell
I won’t be shaving this November, in order to raise awareness for
how lazy I am.
Tim Siedell
Miles and Gigabytes Away
Right now, I’m at work, using the Internet. But in my mind, I’m already at home, using the Internet.
@Bridger_w
Right now, I’m at work, using the Internet. But in my mind, I’m already at home, using the Internet.
@Bridger_w
Air Force Truisms
“Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.”
“The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.”
“Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.”
“Airspeed, altitude, and brains: Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.”
“Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.” “The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.” “Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.”...
Terrified: The Only Way to Fly
Richard Branson has announced plans to develop a new type of plane that can fly
from New York
to Tokyo in one
hour. Apparently,
the engines are
powered by
human screams.
Seth Meyers
Richard Branson has announced plans to develop a new type of plane that can fly from New York to Tokyo in one hour. Apparently, the engines are powered by human...
A Moment of Reflection
I shave each morning in front
of my car’s passenger-side mirror. That way, I get a closer shave than
it actually appears.
Submitted by Philip Rogers,
Latham, New York
I shave each morning in front
of my car’s passenger-side mirror. That way, I get a closer shave than
it actually appears.
Submitted by Philip Rogers,
Latham, New York
Start Over, Por Favor?
After 12 years of therapy,
my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, “No hablo Inglés.”
Comedian Ronnie Shakes
After 12 years of therapy,
my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, “No hablo Inglés.”
Comedian Ronnie Shakes
From Your Lips to God’s…Lips
In Heaven, you get back all the Chapsticks you lost.
@IamEnidColeslaw
In Heaven, you get back all the Chapsticks you lost.
@IamEnidColeslaw
Prepare for Takeoff
Did you know a bird is the only animal that you can throw and you’d be helping it?
Comedian Sean O’Connor
Did you know a bird is the only animal that you can throw and you’d be helping it?
Comedian Sean O’Connor
Projecting Happiness
One hard thing to explain to teens is how legitimately exciting it used to be when someone would wheel in an overhead projector.
@juliussharpe
One hard thing to explain to teens is how legitimately exciting it used to be when someone would wheel in an overhead projector.
@juliussharpe
A Thanksgiving Problem
When I trace a turkey, it comes out looking exactly like my hand.
@ConanOBrien
When I trace a turkey, it comes out looking exactly like my hand.
@ConanOBrien
Doing The Man Dance
If you’ve seen me impatiently standing in line, then you’ve seen
me dancing at a concert.
@SammyRhodes
If you’ve seen me impatiently standing in line, then you’ve seen
me dancing at a concert.
@SammyRhodes
The Maximum-Security Bathroom
If a company’s most valuable
resource is its people, how come
the employees aren’t locked up,
but the toilet paper is in a
reinforced steel box with a lock, bolted to the stall?
Mark Severin, from humorlabs.com
If a company’s most valuable resource is its people, how come the employees aren’t locked up, but the toilet paper is in a reinforced steel box with a lock, bolted...
Militant Roaches
I’m convinced my cockroaches have military training. I set out a roach bomb—they defused it.
—Comedian Jay London
I’m convinced my cockroaches have military training. I set out a roach bomb—they defused it.
—Comedian Jay London
A Watched Pot Never Boils…
A watched pot never boils, but it does get paranoid.
Lesley Wake
A watched pot never boils, but it does get paranoid.
Lesley Wake
If Truth Be Beauty…
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in a library?
Lily Tomlin
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in a library?
Lily Tomlin
If You Can't Beat 'Em…
If you can’t beat them, arrange
to have them beaten.
George Carlin
If you can’t beat them, arrange
to have them beaten.
George Carlin
Where There's A Will…
Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
Ricky Gervais
Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
Ricky Gervais
A Penny Saved…
A penny saved is a penny that will sit around in a jar for five years.
@Keatingthomas
A penny saved is a penny that will sit around in a jar for five years.
@Keatingthomas
Tech-No-Limits
Can a 3-D printer make ink
cartridges for a 2-D printer?
Comedian Joe Mande
Can a 3-D printer make ink
cartridges for a 2-D printer?
Comedian Joe Mande
The Other Mortal Coils
I told the kids I never want to
live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from
a bottle. So they unplugged my
computer and threw out my wine.
Submitted by Beverly McLaughlin,
Burnsville, Minnesota
I told the kids I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. So they unplugged my computer and threw out...
Iced to Eat You
Happy One-year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
@SCbchbum
Happy One-year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
@SCbchbum
Wax On, Mouth Off
Karate: the ancient Japanese art of getting people to buy lots of belts.
Comedian Myq Kaplan
Karate: the ancient Japanese art of getting people to buy lots of belts.
Comedian Myq Kaplan
I Never Feel More…
I never feel more privileged
than when I get angry about a website design.
Comedian Kelly Oxford
I never feel more privileged
than when I get angry about a website design.
Comedian Kelly Oxford