One-Liners

Our funny one-liner jokes are short, sweet and make you laugh.

Steal these classic one-liner jokes in our collection of the best one-liner jokes from experts in funny like Milton Berle and Conan O’Brien.

Before LinkedIn…

Before LinkedIn, I didn’t know any strangers. @Joshmalina

Skip To The Good Part, Please

I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they’re going to be talking. @juliussharpe

LOLHumans.com

I bet cats have 
a secret website where they 
upload clips of cute humans 
trying to open DVD packaging 
and jump-start 
cars. @rolldiggity  

Hunter, Gatherer, Manager?

I’m pretty sure the dinosaurs died out when they stopped gathering food and started having meetings to discuss gathering food. From meetingboy.com

Quip To Complete Purchase

I used to find buying books from Amazon slow and inconvenient, until one day the 
receptionist suggested 
I use their website. Peter Serafinowicz

Killing Time Online

The only people who don’t click Skip on ads before YouTube videos are people who died during that ad. @Damienfahey

Every Marriage Needs A Spin Doctor

My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my 
advantage. I take that as a compliment. Submitted by reader D. T.

That's What I Call 'Force Quit'

I’m thinking of opening a firing range where all the targets are shaped like computers with screens full of pop-up ads. Comedian Dan Burt

The Airborne Obnoxious Event

“Ohhh, bless you … Bless you … Riiiight. Because you’re special air.”     —A burp to a sneeze Comedian Andrew Hibbard

The Only Qualification…

The only qualification for working at an airline is making 
a confused face at a monitor. Comedian Julius Sharpe

Catch and Retweet

Give a man a fish, and he’ll 
Instagram it; teach a man to fish, and he’ll still Instagram it. @hipstermermaid

I Invented a New Word:

plagiarism. Submitted by M. R.

Psyched Out

I spent four years in 
college. I didn’t learn 
a thing. It was really 
my own fault. I had 
a double major 
in psychology 
and reverse 
psychology. B. J. Novak,...

Honestly Kind of Fugly Abe

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? Abraham Lincoln

Speak Softly, Kick Gently

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for 
a month. Theodore Roosevelt

Five-Finger Flip-Flop

Give me a one-handed economist! 
All my 
economists say, “On the one hand ...
on the other.” Harry Truman

Wake The Prez

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency—even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting. —Ronald Reagan

Right to Ignore

Being president is like 
running a cemetery: You’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening. Bill Clinton

Gorgeous George

I don’t think George 
Clooney has 
a bathroom mirror, just a note taped to the wall that says “Don’t worry about it.” Comedian 
Eli Yudin

Lower Your Ears

Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all the credit. @ludwig (Ludwig Pettersson)

Portable Primping

People always ask me how long 
it takes to do my hair. I don’t know. I’m never there. Dolly Parton

Camera Nostalgia

One time, a guy handed me a 
picture and said, “Here’s a picture 
of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger. Comedian Mitch...

Trappiest Place on Earth

A man won an $8,000 settlement from Disneyland after he got stuck on the It’s a Small World ride. He said he’ll use the money to cut out the part...

How Hot Was It?

It was so hot in Beverly Hills, 
people were frying egg whites on the sidewalk. Comedian Matt Wohlfarth

A Unified Assault

Hold, Brothers, Hold ... CHARGE!!! (Ice at the bottom of my cup) Demetri Martin

“Dad?”

“Dad?” —Zebra looking at a piano Sam Grittner

Father’s Day is Important Because…

Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business. Jimmy Fallon

I Gave My Father $100…

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother. Rita Rudner

I Got All My Looks…

I got all my looks from my father. Mostly just the look of disappointment. @MrBigFists

You’re Never Alone

If you’re the sole survivor of the Apocalypse, go to your gym. There’ll be somebody at the locker right next to yours. @bazecraze (Alex Baze)

The Burn of Solitude

I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back. @jimmykimmel

Cats Are Smarter

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. —Jeff Valdez

How Lazy is He???

I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don't chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers. —Rodney Dangerfield

A Dog is More Than A Friend

My dog was my soul mate; we both took naps, we both skipped lunch, we both hated the vacuum... —Elayne Boosler

A Genius Solution

I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it's just beer.

Law of Diminishing Returns

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.

Electricity is Really Just…

Electricity is really just organized lightning. George Carlin

It’s Been Raining so Much in LA that…

It’s been raining so much in Los Angeles that the Chia Pet I threw in the garbage is now blocking my entire driveway. Jay Leno

My Food’s Food

"There must be a mistake: you've accidentally given me the food my food eats." —Ron Swanson, when given a plate of vegetables Parks and Recreation

The Time Traveler Protest

T NOW! What do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! When do we want them? RIGH  @johnfreiler

I Hide Photos…

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in 
a file named Fireworks and vacuums so my dog won’t find them. @EliTerry

Swimming is Confusing…

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. Comedian Demetri Martin

Every Time I Say That…

Every time I say that I’m ready to order in a restaurant, what I really mean is that I’m not ready but the panic will help me make a decision....

I Don’t Want To Say We Eat Out…

I don’t want to say we eat out 
a lot, but I’ve noticed that lately when I call my kids for dinner, they run to the car. —Julie Kidd

Taking The Cake

“You can’t have your cake and 
eat it too.”—People who don’t understand what cake 
is for. —@ShiraSelko

A Beef With Tapas

Guess what, tapas: You’re the exact Venn diagram midpoint of my two least favorite things 
in the world: small portions and sharing 
with anybody. —@EireannDolan

Lunchtime MVP

Bacon was definitely the 
first-round draft pick in the BLT. No one’s building a sandwich around lettuce. —@joshgondelman

Expired Logic

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? —George Carlin

I Went To A Restaurant That Serves…

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time,” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. —Steven Wright

Untangling Earbuds Is The New…

On the subway, untangling earbuds is the new knitting. The woman across from me could have finished 
a cardigan by now. —Greg Preece, on humorlabs.com

The Key To Eating Healthy…

The key to eating healthy is 
not eating any food that has a TV commercial. —Comedian Mike Birbiglia

Next Time Someone Complains About…

Next time somebody complains about millennials, remind him which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hardwood floors. —@BoobsRadley

I’d Like To Have A Kid…

I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are. —@DamienFahey

Gigs In Space

Lady Gaga is now saying that sometime in 2015 she will actually perform a concert from space. It’s 
always so much fun when artists 
do a show in their hometown....

Composing An Insult

How classical maestros also used their batons to stab each other in the back: •“If he had been making shell 
casings during the war, it might 
have made for better...

What Does it Mean if…

What does it mean if a black squirrel crosses your path? Will I have adorably bad luck? —@Suddain

If 13 is Unlucky…

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association. —Mitch Hedberg

Find a Penny, Pick it up…

Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you’ll have nothing but a gross penny you found in some filthy parking lot. —@JennyJohnsonHi5

Today is Thursday the 13th…

Today is Thursday the 13th, which means it’s bad luck to deal with Australians. —@KeatingThomas

For Every Set of Horseshoes…

For every set of horseshoes human beings use for luck, somewhere in this world there’s a barefoot horse. —Allan Sherman

Research has Found…

Research has found that because it makes you think positive thoughts, throwing salt over your shoulder can actually prevent bad luck. Or at least give you better luck than the...

Candied Scams

Where are all the Sour Patch parents? —Comedian Bo Burnham

Non-Belieber

“You’ve had three hairstyles. What’s next for your career?” —Zach Galifianakis to Justin Bieber in an episode of Between Two Ferns

A chilling realization

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight. Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware

The Latest Food Trend

I ate a gluten-free, lactose-free, low-carb pizza for dinner tonight. (It was a raw tomato.) @samir

My wife says I’m unsophisticated…

My wife says I’m unsophisticated and uncultured, so to prove her wrong, guess where I’m taking her. Hint: It starts with “B” and rhymes with “wallet.” Brad Hamer, on ruminate.com

I saw a documentary on…

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was riveting. —Stewart Francis

When I was a child…

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks. —Stewart Francis

It’s weird that NFL players…

It’s weird that NFL players don’t constantly look at their phones to check their stats. —@shawnries

I prefer the tight yoga pants…

I prefer the tight yoga pants football players wear over the frumpy businesswoman slacks baseball players wear. —@QuinnK

Anyone who thinks women…

Anyone who thinks women talk too much has never sat through a six-hour Super Bowl pregame show. —Nora Barry

My dad didn’t text…

My dad didn’t text me after the Patriots game, which is basically a Life Alert signal if you’re from New England. —@joshgondelman

The rules of football…

The rules of football and the plot of The Godfather are the two most 
complicated things that every guy understands no matter how dumb he is. —Julian McCullough