A Trusted Friend in a Complicated World


Our funny one-liner jokes are short, sweet and make you laugh.

Steal these classic one-liner jokes in our collection of the best one-liner jokes from experts in funny like Milton Berle and Conan O’Brien.

Anyone who’s just driven…

Anyone who’s just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do jazz hands. —Craig Ferguson

There are only two types of computers…

There are only two types of computers in the world: those that waste your precious time and those that waste your precious time faster. —anonymous

I’d like the window…

I’d like the window that says “Are you sure you want to do this? OK/Cancel” to pop up less often on my computer and more in my real life. —@AaronFullerton

A Digital Dictionary

User: the word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.” —Dave Barry

One can play…

“One can play at this game ...” —me to my computer solitaire. —@meganamram

Bark-alaureate of Fine Arts

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard and earned an online college degree. —@SCbchbum

The Latest Craze

Taking pictures with an iPad is the new fanny pack. —@ClarkeKant

The Limits of Technology

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. —Emo Philips

A Mother’s Lament

Whoever said not to cry over spilled milk has obviously never had to pump before. Vanessa Marchal, Marion, Illinois

Tip from an Office Drone

I just set my e-mail’s auto-response to ‘I’m looking into this now. I’ll let you know.’ I literally never have to respond to e-mails again. —@9to5Life

Words Save Lives

It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my good friends would still be living. —Comedian John...

The Road to Recovery

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it. —@RickCouchman

Hut Glut

Sick of having to go to two different huts to buy pizza and sunglasses. —@Leemanish

New York Strait of Mind

“The New York City Department of Education says that only 26 percent of the city’s students in grades three through eight passed the English portion on a recent standardized test....

If Men Have a Smell…

If men have a smell, it's usually an accident. —Jeff Foxworthy

The Meaning of Life

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it. —George Carlin

It’s Not That I’m Afraid to Die…

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. —Woody Allen

It’s Not That Small

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. —Steven Wright

If You Stop Eating Doughnuts…

If you stop eating doughnuts you will live three years longer, but it's just three more years that you'll want a doughnut. —Lewis Black

Founding Fallacy

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it. —Stephen Colbert

If God Wanted us to Fly…

If God wanted us to fly, he would have given us tickets. —Mel Brooks

A Little Levity

I'm reading a great book about antigravity—I just can't put it down.

Picketing Problem

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. —Mitch Hedberg

The Beauty of the Dictionary

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. —Steven Wright

Why Babies Cry on Planes

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks, and babies aren’t liars like you and me. —Rob Delaney

Philosophy Lesson

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think. —George Carlin

I Saw a Wino…

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait." —Mitch Hedberg

I Never Use A Napkin…

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant … because I believe in myself. —Hannibal Buress

I Never Forget a Face…

I never forget a face—but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception. —Groucho Marx

Why I Like Long Walks

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. —Fred Allen

I Haven’t Slept…

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. —Mitch Hedberg

What a Ripoff

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. —Steven Wright

I Always Wanted…

I always wanted to be somebody, but I guess I should've been more specific. —Lily Tomlin

Psychics Down On Their Luck?

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like "Psychic Wins Lottery"? —Jay Leno

The Beauty of a Bookstore

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. —Jerry Seinfeld

Give Me Golf Clubs…

Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. —Jack Benny

So Math=The Devil

Equations are the devil's sentences. —Stephen Colbert

Don’t Sweat the Petty Things

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things. —George Carlin


Clones are people two.

Highway Adoption

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted? —Zach Galifianakis

In Defense of Football

Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands. —Craig Ferguson

Pirate Logic

An aye for an aye makes the whole world pirates. —Brandon Specktor

Romance, Defined

A kiss is like a fight, with mouths. —Kristen Schaal

Freudian Slip

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

A Feminist Jumps Out of a Manhole

A feminist jumps out of a manhole … oh, and she didn't like that. —Bill Bailey

I Always Wanted to Be Somebody

I always wanted to be somebody, but I guess I should've been more specific.

“Wait, What Time Is It??”

Hell hath no fury like a woman who has accidentally napped. —Lena Dunham

GPS, Don’t Fail Me Now!

You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3. Paul F. Crickmore, test pilot

It Came Back to Haunt Him

Some sad news from Australia … the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today. —Johnny Carson

A Diamond Key

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. —Joan Rivers

A Study in Contrasts

If you want to look young and thin, hang around old, fat people. —Jim Eason

Why Marriage is Difficult

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers. —Richard Pryor

Simplicity is Best

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do. —Johnny Carson

It Was a Long Game

I set out to play golf with the intention of shooting my age, but I shot my weight instead. —Bob Hope

To Grandmother’s House We Go

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. —Rita Rudner

The Young and the Restful

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. —Bill Cosby

Trouble Remembering

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and—I can't remember what the third thing is. —Fred Allen

Car Troubles

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac? —George Carlin


Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. —Jim Carrey

The Secret to Errands

Any kid'll run an errand for you if you ask at bedtime. —Red Skeleton

Fade Into Darkness

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. —Steve Martin

Here, Take My Money

You don't pay taxes—they take taxes. —Chris Rock

Sore Loser

Whoever said “It’s not whether you win or lose that counts” probably lost. —Martina Navratilova

Sleep Walking

When they said to you at graduation “follow your dreams,” did anybody say you had to wake up first? —Bill Cosby

Is It Working?

When in doubt, look intelligent. —Garrison Keillor

What Poor Timing

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days. —Garrison Keillor

I’ll Dream of it Instead

There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it. —Mindy Kaling

Ain’t That the Truth

The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for steak to cook. —Julia Child

The Millennial Breakfast Club

The Internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom. —Jon Stewart

America’s Passtime

America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach. —Chris Rock

Hey Kid…

Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas. —Paula Poundstone

The Common Man’s Definition

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the first word you thought of. —Burt Bacharach

Which is More Useful?

A stopped clock is correct twice a day, but a sundial can be used to stab someone, even at nighttime. —Josh Hodgman