One-Liners

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR execs. —Daniel J. Boorstin

Never eat more than you can lift. —Miss Piggy

Maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun.” —Craig Ferguson

I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies. —Mindy Kaling

I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon. —Ellen DeGeneres

Generally speaking, I think it is fair to say that I am a friend to the creatures of the earth when I am not busy eating them or wearing them. —John Hodgman

Forgive your enemies—if you can’t get back at them any other way. —Franklin P. Jones

For fast-acting relief, try slowing down. —Lily Tomlin

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. —Jon Stewart

Country music has always been the best shrink that 15 bucks can buy. —Dierks Bentley

As my mom has said, when one person is unhappy, it usually means two people are unhappy but that one has not come to terms with it yet. —Mindy Kaling

Another old saying is that revenge is a dish best served cold. But it feels best served piping hot, straight out of the oven of outrage. —Mindy Kaling

I found out that the only reason my dad is a Democrat is because the Democratic club he went to had free unlimited beer. @jimmyfallon #mycrazydad

When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset. @TheNardvark Do people who say “Exercise helps me relax” know about not exercising? @RobinMcCauley

I don’t think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses. The whole time the guy was chewing me out, all I could think was, I should cut my bangs. Comedian Bonnie McFarlane

I realized my little nephew will never know life without Facebook. He’ll never know what it’s like to go, “I wonder what happened to that guy Chris from high school?” and then just shrug his shoulders and move on. Comedian Ophira Eisenberg

So there was this dyslexic guy who walked into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under one arm. The man says, "Beer, please, and one for the road."

All I want is for people to be as excited to see me as they are when finding a curly fry amongst their regular ones. —@thejohnblog Girls love french fries. But only if they didn’t order them. —@nickspears

I think my parents have become ghost hunters, because every room they go in they think is cold. 
 —Comedian Matt Weinhold

Here are intentionally bad first lines from nonexistent novels, courtesy of the annual Lyttle 
Lytton Contest: “Agent Jeffrey’s trained eyes rolled carefully around the room, taking in the sights and sounds.” “It was a beautiful night, and the full moon glew like it had never glown before.” “‘BOOM!’ said the bomb very loudly.” “‘Ooh la la!’ whispered Larry in French.” “She had the kind of face that made you want to say, ‘Hey, look 
at your face!’”

Did you ever notice that from the time you hang up the phone until the pizza guy shows up, the only conversation you have is “Where’s the guy with our pizza?” —Comedian Bob Marley

Just want to thank my mail carrier for delivering my recycling directly to my house. —@juliussharpe

Some of my proudest moments have been when a website told me my password was “Very Strong.” —@AaronFullerton

We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. “You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich.” —Jim Gaffigan

Stephen Colbert to students at the University of Virginia: “Your generation needs everything to be about you, and that’s very upsetting to us baby boomers because self-absorption is sort of our thing."

Old lawyers never die; they just lose their appeal.

Old daredevils never die; they just get discouraged.

Old accountants never die; they just lose their balance.

I don’t want to die doing something I love. I want to die doing something I hate. That way I don’t have to finish it. —Tim Siedell (@badbanana on Twitter)

Even though I’m from Boston, I feel right at home in the South. You see, Boston is also full of people with thick accents who hate the Yankees. —Conan O’Brien

“I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you 
remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life. —Aaron Karo, on ruminations.com

Nobody wants a pain reliever that’s anything less than extra-strength: “Give me the maximum-allowable dosage. Figure out what will kill me, and then back it off a little bit.” —Jerry Seinfeld

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men, and I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.—Conan O'Brien

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.—Phyllis Diller

Don't let a man put anything over on you except an umbrella.—Mae West

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.—Milton Berle

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.—Slappy White

Tragedy is when I cut my finger, but comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.—Mel Brooks

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.—Fred Allen

Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.—Fred Allen

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.—Fred Allen

I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.—Fred Allen

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.—Fred Allen

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and—I can't remember what the third thing is.—Fred Allen

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.—Erma Bombeck

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.—Dorothy Parker

Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.—Dorothy Parker

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.—Groucho Marx

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work...I want to achieve it through not dying.—Woody Allen

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.—Jack Benny

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.—Jack Benny

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded, but the trouble is I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.—George Burns

A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.—George Burns

A woman drove me to drink—and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.—W.C. Fields

I set out to play golf with the intention of shooting my age, but I shot my weight instead.—Bob Hope

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.—Henny Youngman

"I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, 'Let's make this more interesting.'  So we stopped playing chess." —Matt Kirshen

I want to have a kid the way other people want to own stock in Google: I don't want to be responsible for it; I just want to go to parties and talk about how well it's doing.

I was diagnosed with antisocial behavior disorder, so I joined a support group. We never meet.

Getting back together with an old boyfriend is pathetic. It’s like having a garage sale and buying your own stuff back.

If the customer is always right, then why isn’t everything free?

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

I’m coming out with a condensed phone book. It has only one number in it: 411.

Ruminations.com asks its users to reflect upon everyday life. Here are three observations everyone can relate to: Forgetting an e-mail attachment is the 21st-century version of licking an envelope shut and then realizing you forgot to put the letter inside. Is anyone else as apprehensive about throwing out a shoe box as I am? More often than not, when someone is telling me a story, all I can think about is how I can’t wait for them to finish so I can tell my own story, which not only is better but also more directly involves me.

When someone tells you that something defies description, you can be pretty sure he’s going to have a go at it anyway.

The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest celebrates purposely awful opening sentences to imaginary novels. Here are the "best" from the past year. As Holmes, who had a nose for danger, quietly fingered the bloody knife and eyed the various body parts strewn along the dark, deserted highway, he placed his ear to the ground and, with his heart in his throat, silently mouthed to his companion, "Arm yourself, Watson, there is an evil hand a foot ahead." --Dennis Pearce Through the verdant plains of North Umbria walked Waylon Ogglethorpe, and, as he walked, the clouds whispered his name, the birds of the air sang his praises, and the beasts of the fields from smallest to greatest said, "There goes the most noble among men"—in other words, a typical stroll for a schizophrenic ventriloquist with delusions of grandeur. --Tom Wallace

"I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what—never again.”

Never trust a man with a tassel on his loafer. It’s like, What, did your foot just graduate?

I have a bad attitude. When I was a kid, I wore Lex Luthor underwear.