One-Liners

Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.

Groucho Marx

Always weird to meet your stunt double. It’s like looking into a mirror where the other you took care of yourself.

I don’t know how to speed-read. Instead, I listen to Books on Tape on fast-forward.

You know you’re dating the wrong guy when your friend steals your boyfriend and all you can think is, What does she see in him?

Just between you and me, I think "everything" bagels are making a lot of promises they can’t keep.

The unsaid part of "This is fascinating!" is "to me."

The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable.

My mother asked me to hand out invitations for my brother’s surprise birthday party. That’s when I realized he was her favorite twin.

I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

A sign outside a nursery: "It’s spring! We’re so excited, we wet our plants!"

Overheard in a ladies’ fitting room: “Honestly, do these pants make my rear end look big?”

“Honestly? Your rear end makes the pants look big.”

My father is allergic to cotton. He has pills that he can take, but he can’t get them out of the bottle.

My girlfriend likes to role-play. For the past five years, she’s been playing my ex-girlfriend.

I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.

I got mugged by a magician. It’s not funny: He took my wallet, my watch, and every silver dollar I had behind my ear.

Why was the opera singer arrested? He got into treble.

My friend is a procrastinator. He’s afraid of Saturday the 14th.

Marry an orphan: You’ll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.

We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings: “Well, I’m bored. Let’s go brush our teeth.” Or, “I’ve got to make a phone call. Hold this gum in your mouth.”

In honor of British humorist P. G. Wodehouse’s 128th birthday, a few choice quips from his books:

"He looked as if he had been poured into his clothes and had forgotten to say ‘when.’ "

"Golf, like measles, should be caught young."

"She had a penetrating sort of laugh. Rather like a train going into a tunnel."

"You look white and shaken, like a dry martini."

I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.

—Comedian Reid Faylor (@reidfaylor )

A survey sent out to our contractors posed the question "What motivates you to come to work every day?" One guy answered, "Probation officer."

Employee of the Month is a good example of when a person can be a winner and a loser at the same time.

Apéritif: French for "a set of dentures."

The meek shall inherit the earth … if it’s okay with the rest of you.

Our hometown baseball team is called the Possums. They get killed on the road.

Ever wonder who the genius is who decided to put fire hydrants in all the good parking spots?

During a recent meeting of our Optimist Club, we challenged one another to come up with an inspirational sentence using the word countenance. This was the winning entry: "I put a cheerful countenance on people every day." It was submitted by our local funeral director.

Q: Where does a one-armed man shop?

A: At a secondhand store.

Q: Where does a king keep his armies?

A: In his sleevies!

A passing septic service truck declared "19,500 lbs. of very gross weight."

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He stayed up all night trying to decide if there really was a dog!

Q. What did the Zero say to the Eight?

A. "Nice belt!"

If you arrest a mime, do you still have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers? It’s called On & On Anon.

Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?

Someone told him to get a long little doggy.

What do you call a rap star who has studied classical music?

Yo Yo Ma Ma.

Did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, they spell "THEIRS"?

What do you get from a pampered cow?…Spoiled milk.

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?…Dam!

Seen on the door of a repair shop:

WE CAN FIX ANYTHING. (Please knock on the door—the bell doesn’t work.)

Check out our collection of some of the funniest jokes ever! These short, laugh out loud jokes are some of the best that the Reader’s Digest editors sample each month while reading through the thousands of new joke submissions that come piling in.

Doctor, Doctor
Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children.” St. Peter
lets him enter.

The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.” St. Peter tells him to go ahead.
The last man says, “I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care.”

St. Peter replies, “You may enter. But,” he adds, “you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”

Timing Is Everything
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, “You should’ve been here at 8:30!”
The guy replies, “Why? What happened at 8:30?”

“Martin Levine, owner of a movie theater chain in New York City, has passed away
at age 65,” the newspaper obit read. “The funeral will be held on Thursday at 2:10, 4:20, 6:30, 8:40 and 10:50.”
—Merrill Markoe, Late Night With David Letterman, The Book (Villard)

What’s in a Name?
A young man called directory assistance. “Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona.”
“There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix,” the operator replied. “Do you have a street name?”
The young man hesitated, and then said, “Well, most people call me Ice Man.”

Quacking Up
A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, “That’ll be $1.49.”

The duck replies, “Put it on my bill!”

Who’s Counting?
How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb?
12,001. That’s one to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.

Explosively Funny
Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, “My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?”

A soothing voice at the other end says, “Don’t worry, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s really dead.”
After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone. “Okay,” he says nervously to the operator. “What do I do next?”

After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire.
“But you can’t!” protested the boss. “Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?”

Say a Little Prayer
Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God’s will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.

The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God’s creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

A bear walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer ………… and some of those peanuts.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but why the big paws?”

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re quite a celebrity around here. We’ve even got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”

A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?”
The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

Playing With Our Words
My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”
“Doctor, what’s wrong with my wife?”
“Nothing. She’s just having contractions.”

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for the food.”

The panda yells back, “Hey, man, I’m a panda. Look it up!”

The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: “A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

Fore!
The 16th tee featured a fairway that ran along a road. The first golfer in a foursome teed off and hooked the ball. It soared over the fence and bounced onto the street, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and ricocheted back onto the fairway.

As they all stood in amazement, one of the golfer’s friends asked, “How did you do that?”
The golfer shrugged. “You have to know the bus schedule.”

Not Fade Away

• Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
• Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
• Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
• Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
• Walt Disney didn’t die. He’s in suspended animation.Live and Learn
  Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class. “Let’s set some parameters,” the professor said. “What’s the opposite of joy?” he asked one student.
  “Sadness,” he replied.
  “The opposite of depression?” he asked
  another student.
  “Elation,” he replied.
  “The opposite of woe?” the prof asked a young woman from Texas.

  The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddyup.”

  Man’s Best Friend
  A poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd, and I’m nervous as a cat.”
  “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” asked the collie.
  “I can’t,” replied the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

  Q: Why are dogs such bad dancers?

  A: They have two left feet.

  Next Time, Let’s Stay in a Hotel
  Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.
  “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.”

  The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. “What did the doctor say?” the victim cries.
  “He says you’re gonna die.”

  Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
  —Pun American Newsletter

  Six guys are playing poker. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. To decide who’s going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson picks the short one.
  “Break it to her gently,” they all urge.
  “Leave it to me,” he says.
  When Smith’s wife comes to the door, Anderson says, “Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.”
  “How much?” the wife yells, eyes blazing. “Tell him to drop dead!”

  What’s Black and White and …
  A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, “Have you seen my brother?” The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”

  A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”
  “Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”