“What’s the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?” I asked my husband. He thought for a minute before responding, “An optimist is the guy who created the airplane. A…
My parents sent me to military school in Switzerland. There they taught me how to be neutral.
I often wonder about people who live in tropical destinations. What do their screen savers look like?
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We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.
If the people who make motivational posters are so motivated, why are they still working in a poster factory?
Always weird to meet your stunt double. It’s like looking into a mirror where the other you took care of yourself.
I don’t know how to speed-read. Instead, I listen to Books on Tape on fast-forward.
You know you’re dating the wrong guy when your friend steals your boyfriend and all you can think is, What does she see in him?
Just between you and me, I think "everything" bagels are making a lot of promises they can’t keep.
The unsaid part of "This is fascinating!" is "to me."
The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable.
My mother asked me to hand out invitations for my brother’s surprise birthday party. That’s when I realized he was her favorite twin.
I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.
A sign outside a nursery: "It’s spring! We’re so excited, we wet our plants!"
Overheard in a ladies’ fitting room: “Honestly, do these pants make my rear end look big?”
“Honestly? Your rear end makes the pants look big.”
My father is allergic to cotton. He has pills that he can take, but he can’t get them out of the bottle.
My girlfriend likes to role-play. For the past five years, she’s been playing my ex-girlfriend.
I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
I got mugged by a magician. It’s not funny: He took my wallet, my watch, and every silver dollar I had behind my ear.
Why was the opera singer arrested? He got into treble.
My friend is a procrastinator. He’s afraid of Saturday the 14th.
Marry an orphan: You’ll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.
We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings: “Well, I’m bored. Let’s go brush our teeth.” Or, “I’ve got to make a…
In honor of British humorist P. G. Wodehouse’s 128th birthday, a few choice quips from his books: "He looked as if he had been poured into his clothes and had…
I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.
—Comedian Reid Faylor (@reidfaylor )
A survey sent out to our contractors posed the question "What motivates you to come to work every day?" One guy answered, "Probation officer."
Employee of the Month is a good example of when a person can be a winner and a loser at the same time.
Apéritif: French for "a set of dentures."
The meek shall inherit the earth … if it’s okay with the rest of you.
Our hometown baseball team is called the Possums. They get killed on the road.
Ever wonder who the genius is who decided to put fire hydrants in all the good parking spots?
During a recent meeting of our Optimist Club, we challenged one another to come up with an inspirational sentence using the word countenance. This was the winning entry: "I put…
Q: Where does a one-armed man shop?
A: At a secondhand store.
Q: Where does a king keep his armies?
A: In his sleevies!
A passing septic service truck declared "19,500 lbs. of very gross weight."
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He stayed up all night trying to decide if there really was a dog!
Q. What did the Zero say to the Eight?
A. "Nice belt!"
If you arrest a mime, do you still have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers? It’s called On & On Anon.
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
Someone told him to get a long little doggy.
What do you call a rap star who has studied classical music?
Yo Yo Ma Ma.
Did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, they spell "THEIRS"?
What do you get from a pampered cow?…Spoiled milk.
What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?…Dam!
Seen on the door of a repair shop:
WE CAN FIX ANYTHING. (Please knock on the door—the bell doesn’t work.)
We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon. Paula Poundstone