One-Liners

Our funny one-liner jokes are short, sweet and make you laugh.

Steal these classic one-liner jokes in our collection of the best one-liner jokes from experts in funny like Milton Berle and Conan O’Brien.

The Difference Between an Optimist and a Pessimist

“What’s the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?” I asked my husband. He thought for a minute before responding, “An optimist is the guy who created the airplane. A...

Learning in Switzerland

My parents sent me to military school in Switzerland. There they taught me how to be neutral.

Screen Saver Question

I often wonder about people who live in tropical destinations. What do their screen savers look like?

Help Wanted

A touching tribute to a waitress, spotted outside a local restaurant: "RIP Sandy. We will miss you. Server needed."

Inspiring Job

If the people who make motivational posters are so motivated, why are they still working in a poster factory?

Mirror Image

Always weird to meet your stunt double. It's like looking into a mirror where the other you took care of yourself.

Speed Reader

I don't know how to speed-read. Instead, I listen to Books on Tape on fast-forward.

Breaking Up

You know you're dating the wrong guy when your friend steals your boyfriend and all you can think is, What does she see in him?

Everything Bagels

Just between you and me, I think "everything" bagels are making a lot of promises they can’t keep.

Left Unsaid

The unsaid part of "This is fascinating!" is "to me."

On Meditation

The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable.

Party Time

My mother asked me to hand out invitations for my brother's surprise birthday party. That's when I realized he was her favorite twin.

Job Change

I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

Uncontained Excitement

A sign outside a nursery: "It's spring! We're so excited, we wet our plants!"

Being Honest

Overheard in a ladies' fitting room: "Honestly, do these pants make my rear end look big?" "Honestly? Your rear end makes the pants look big."

Big Problem

My father is allergic to cotton. He has pills that he can take, but he can't get them out of the bottle.

Role Playing

My girlfriend likes to role-play. For the past five years, she's been playing my ex-girlfriend.

The Joy of Discovery

I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.

Magician

I got mugged by a magician. It's not funny: He took my wallet, my watch, and every silver dollar I had behind my ear.

Troubled Music

Why was the opera singer arrested? He got into treble.

Procrastinator

My friend is a procrastinator. He’s afraid of Saturday the 14th.

No In-Laws

Marry an orphan: You’ll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.

Bad Breath

We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings: “Well, I’m bored. Let’s go brush our teeth.” Or, “I’ve got to make a...

Quips From P. G. Wodehouse

In honor of British humorist P. G. Wodehouse’s 128th birthday, a few choice quips from his books: "He looked as if he had been poured into his clothes and had...

The Clothes Make The Cat

I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won't come when I call him. —Comedian Reid Faylor (@reidfaylor )

Motivational Tactics

A survey sent out to our contractors posed the question "What motivates you to come to work every day?" One guy answered, "Probation officer."

Employee of the Month

Employee of the Month is a good example of when a person can be a winner and a loser at the same time.

Apéritif

Apéritif: French for "a set of dentures."

The Meek Shall Inherit…

The meek shall inherit the earth … if it's okay with the rest of you.

Hometown Heroes

Our hometown baseball team is called the Possums. They get killed on the road.

Ever Wonder…

Ever wonder who the genius is who decided to put fire hydrants in all the good parking spots?

Eternally Optimistic

During a recent meeting of our Optimist Club, we challenged one another to come up with an inspirational sentence using the word countenance. This was the winning entry: "I put...

Discount Shopping

Q: Where does a one-armed man shop?

A: At a secondhand store.

Royal Attire

Q: Where does a king keep his armies?

A: In his sleevies!

Septic Humor

A passing septic service truck declared "19,500 lbs. of very gross weight."

A Meaningful Question

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He stayed up all night trying to decide if there really was a dog!

 

Stylish Numbers

Q. What did the Zero say to the Eight?


A. "Nice belt!"

 

Always Silent

If you arrest a mime, do you still have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?

 

 

Feet Conditions

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

Going and Going

Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers? It's called On & On Anon.

 

 

Small Dog

Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?

Someone told him to get a long little doggy.

Studying a Different Drama

What do you call a rap star who has studied classical music?

Yo Yo Ma Ma.

 

 

Taking Your Money

Did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, they spell "THEIRS"?

Spoiled Rotten

What do you get from a pampered cow?…Spoiled milk.

Underwater

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?…Dam!

Contradiction

Seen on the door of a repair shop:

WE CAN FIX ANYTHING. (Please knock on the door—the bell doesn't work.)

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