Jokes

Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.

No Eye Contact

I was instructing new recruits when an officer entered my classroom to observe and report on my teaching style. I thought I was on top of my game that day,...

Drink Under the Table

Comedian Martha Raye was a great supporter of the military and made many trips to Vietnam to entertain the troops. She also liked her scotch. One day, I was told...

Last Time For Everything

I was trapped in an elevator for 30 minutes before the doors finally opened. Relieved, I said to a fellow hostage, “There’s a first time for everything.” She grumbled back,...

No Cause for Alarm

After my wife accidentally swallowed my prostate medication, our daughter called a pharmacist to ask whether there was any cause for alarm. He replied, “Only if she starts hanging out...

I’ll Take Something Else

My 35-year-old son and I had just finished our meal when I realized I’d left my wallet in my truck. As I headed out the door, I told the waitress...

Food For Two

Starving after hours of driving nonstop, my husband and I pulled over at a truck stop. While he gassed up the car, I went into the restaurant and placed our...

Temporary Filling

As part of my Naval Reserve requirements at Emory University Dental School, I attended a talk about proper dental procedures following nuclear warfare. Evidently, one of my classmates found the...

Missing Equipment

When I was a Navy student pilot, I visited the home of a classmate. I met his wife and baby and was impressed that he had all his flight gear...

Insurance Love Life

While taking a clinical history from an elderly patient, I asked, “How’s your love life?” “I don’t know,” he said. “I’ll ask my wife.” He got up, walked into the...

Started With an S

A coworker was telling us all about her trip to Las Vegas. “That sounds great. Where’d you stay?” asked a colleague. “I can’t remember,” she said. “But I think it...

She Looks Like You

Sometimes honesty isn’t the best policy.A patient showed up at our medical office and asked, “You’re Mary, aren’t you?” I smiled. “No, sorry, I’m not.” “Are you sure? You look...

Takes Two to Get Married

I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

Burnt Dinner

My husband cooks for me like I’m a god—by placing burnt offerings before me every night.

No Inspiration

Q: What happens when an artist has trouble finding inspiration? A: She draws a blank.

For Here or To Go?

Something tells me I need to lose some weight. During a recent trip to visit my son and his family, I stopped off at a bakery to pick up dessert....

Baking or Vaping

Over dinner, I could sense something was bothering my mother, so I asked if anything was wrong. “Yes,” she admitted. “What’s all this I hear on the news about banning...

Want Another?

Descartes walked into a bar and ordered a beer. “Want another?” asked the bartender. “I think not”, Descartes replied … then he disappeared.

Through the Floorboards

Did you hear about the young actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.

Something Smells

Q: What did the left eye say to the right eye? A: Between you and me, something smells.

Solar System Party

Q: How does the solar system organize a party? A: They planet!

Close, But No Cigar

I went to a smoke shop to discover that it has been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar.

Cook a Gator

Q: What is the best way to cook a gator? A: In a crock-pot

Fraction Break Up

Q: What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up? A: I'm so over you!

See You Later, Dreams

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

High Bills

I've reached the age where my prescription bill has caught up to my bar bill.

Stolen Leek

Did you hear how they caught the great produce bandit? He stopped to take a leek.

Meaning of Dog

Q: What do you get when you combine an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic? A: Someone who lays awake at night wondering the true meaning of Dog.

Bathroom Break

I was working from home, interviewing a famous neurologist for an article, when my three-year-old announced she had to go potty and waddled into the bathroom. After some loud moans,...

None Are Sharp

My job as a facilities maintenance engineer required a wide range of skills. One day I might have to fix the furnace, while the next day could see me painting...

Dessert Before Dinner

Our manager kept reminding us waitresses to encourage customers to order dessert. At the end of an especially exhausting day, I walked over to a couple who had just sat...

Brutally Honest

A man goes to a job interview and the interviewer begins with the question, “What do you think is your biggest weakness?” The man thinks for a moment, then says,...

Who Can’t Hear

A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife’s hearing. The doctor says, “Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears...

Cold Blood

Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman? A: Frostbite!

Salted Peanuts

Q: Did you hear about the two peanuts walking through town? A: One was a salted!

Meltdown

Q. What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum? A. A meltdown!

Make Do

Q. What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain? A. I guess we'll just have to make dew.

Four-Year Gap

A man came in to give his application to the manager. But the manager asked, “Why is there a four-year gap in your application?” And the man responded, “Yale.” The...

Don’t Drink and Driver

A set of golf clubs walks into a bar. "What'll you have"? "Nothing for me, I'm the driver."

Forgot Mom’s Name

At the doctor’s office, a 20-something man was trying to make an appointment for a Mrs. Brown. Try as he might, he just could not remember her first name. Frustrated,...

Stay Off My WiFi

Trying to get online at my mother-in-law’s, I scrolled through various Internet access names. One neighbor’s Wi-Fi really stood out: “You Kids Get Off My LAN!”

It’s an Uncle!

A friend was due to give birth around the same time that her oldest daughter was due to give birth to her first baby. On the morning my friend went...

Love Staying Home

As we watched a program about a man with agoraphobia, my wife asked, “Is that a disability?” “Yes,” I answered. “Maybe I have that.” I shook my head. “No. He’s...

Never All at Once

A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs. “Well, I’ll tell you” the farmer replied. “One day I was...

Rock Crash

Q: What do you call it when two rock guitars accidentally crash into each other? A: A Fender bender.

Moving Fast

Q: What did the snail say as he rode along on the turtle's back? A: Wheeee!

Teddy Dessert

Q: Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? A: Because she was stuffed.

Signed a Fool

A pastor received a letter from a congregant. When he removed the letter from the envelope, it had one word written on it-“Fool”! “Well”, said the pastor, “the sender signed...

Too Much Praise

Once there was a guy named Bill who wanted a horse. On Craigslist, Bill saw a Christian horse so he went to check it out. When Bill got to the...

Teeth Out Too

Two old guys, Fred and Sam went to the movies.  A few minutes after it started, Fred heard Sam rustling around and he seemed to be searching on the floor...

How am I?

Did you hear about the two psychiatrists who passed each other on a walk? One said to the other, "You're fine, How am I?"

Turtle Recall

An elephant drinking from a stream spots a tortoise lounging on the shore. He grabs it with his trunk and flings it into the jungle. A passing zebra asks, “Why...

Better Than the Recipe

During KP duty, my sergeant ordered me to prepare 100 gallons of soup for that night’s dinner. When I told him I had no clue how to make soup, he...

From the Same Place

It was basic training, and I was seated in the barber chair bemoaning the impending loss of my hair when the barber asked, “Where are you from?” “St. Louis,” I...

Tip Jar Humor

Tip-jar humor in our local coffee shop: “Afraid of Change? Leave It Here.”

He Left for Work

I was awakened late one night by a phone call from nearby Fort Meade, in Maryland. Me: Hello? Caller: Is Sgt. Rodrigues there? Me: Sorry, you have the wrong number.(Hang...

Only Backspace

In the ’50s, I was a clerk typist at our base headquarters in Verdun, France. We were a tough group. How tough? Our motto was “We never retreat, we just...

Learn to Reduce Clutter

I have all of Marie Kondo’s books. Now I just need a way to organize them.  

Do You Know What That Is?

I was in the emergency room when a young male nurse came in to ask routine medical questions. Nurse: Have you ever had a hysterectomy? Me: Yes. Nurse: When? Me:...

Don’t Put Fido On

A fellow commuter walked onto the train while talking on the phone to his mother. From what I could glean, he was trying to end the conversation, but she wasn’t...

Take the Blame

The printer was broken, and no one could figure out whose fault it was. After arguing back and forth, our supervisor took charge. “Look,” he said, “we really don’t need...

Following a Friend

Two old friends, Ned and John, lived for baseball. Then one day, John died, leaving Ned inconsolable. A few weeks later, Ned heard someone calling his name. He looked up....

Boiling Away

RIP boiling water—you will be mist.

It’s Still Illegal

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears, my illegal logging business is a success.

End of a Sentence

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail, but apparently you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.

Instrument Sentences

Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in sentences often goes undetected.

No Commas

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

No Laughs in the Future

I was gonna tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.

George Washington the Inventor

Our eight-year-old daughter: “Are you saying that George Washington didn’t invent the toilet?”

The Cat’s Taxes

Turning to me with some urgency, my sleeping husband stated, “I have to do the cat’s taxes!”

No Suggestions from the Horse

My husband was tossing and turning in bed, so I asked whether he was all right. He replied, “Yes, I talked with the horse, and he didn’t have any suggestions...

Sheet for Dinner

As a kid, I was at a sleepover, and I watched my friend stuff the bedsheet into her mouth, pull it out, and say, “That was good, Mom; what’s for...

Bald Baby

I dreamed I was rocking a baby to sleep. In the morning, my husband, who is bald, told me I patted his head for 30 minutes while repeating, “Go to...

Bathroom in the Morning

When my 85-year-old father was in the hospital, his doctor, trying to determine Dad’s mental state, asked, “What gets you up in the morning?” My father shrugged. “Probably the same...