Jokes

Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.

Next to Someone Different

Ad spotted in my weekly bargain bulletin: “FOR SALE: Crestview cemetery plot, $200, so I don’t have to spend all eternity beside my ex!”

Personal Mistake

Our son was upset that his baseball coach yelled whenever he or a teammate made a mistake. “It’s just something coaches do,” I said. “It’s not personal.” His response was...

French Not Spanish

The homework assignment for my Spanish class was to write a paragraph. When I returned their papers, I asked one student if he had used Google Translate or any other...

It Pays to Do Your Own Work

Upon finding a clearly plagiarized paper, I called the student into my office. Pointing to my computer screen, I said, “I found your entire paper online. Do you have anything...

Simple Questions

I was describing my job as an engineer to some middle schoolers when I mentioned that “one of my colleagues and I designed a medical instrument for measuring human muscle...

Toilet Paper Appreciation

A woman at our checkout counter didn’t have enough money to cover her purchase of toilet paper, so I paid the 96 cents. “Thank you,” she said. “I’m going to...

Spelling Sass

I’m known as a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents and asked me to “decifer” them, I had to set him straight. “Decipher is spelled...

One Brick

Visiting Annapolis, I noticed several plebes on their hands and knees holding pencils and clipboards. “What are they doing?” I asked our tour guide. “Each year, the upper­classmen ask the...

Short Haircut

I was stationed in England with the Air Force when I went to a local barber. I told him that I had a date that night and asked for a...

Baby Boots

How did I know my new coworker was a veteran? When I heard him describe the impending birth of his first child as “when the baby has boots on the...

Dryer Fitbit

I discovered a shortcut today. If you put your Fitbit in the dryer, you can get a head start on your steps. I had 3,800 steps in before I put...

Gift Cards for Jesus

At the Christmas Eve service at my church, the pastor, quizzing some children about the nativity, asked, “What gifts did the three wise men give the Christ child?” “Gold!” one...

Fight to Clean

I grew up above my father’s tavern. When we were kids, we would race each other down the stairs every morning to sweep up the bar and find the change...

Angry Girlfriend

A man came through my lane at the grocery store with a jug of wine and a bouquet of roses. But before paying, he set the two items aside and...

Not a Nice Hotel

In San Diego to work with military linguists, my colleague and I checked into a hotel and ordered a 5 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, the phone didn’t ring...

Nervous Around Her Son

A friend paid my mother a visit. Later, I spoke with Mom. “I was very nervous,” she said. “Why?” I asked. “Because he’s a captain in the Air Force.” “Mother,...

Taking the Bull’s Pills

An elderly farmer had an old bull that lost its usual desire and no longer went near the cows. The farmer called the vet, who prescribed a pill to stimulate...

Telepathetic

My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. She’s telepathetic.

Lazy Kangaroo

Q: What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?

A: A pouch potato.

10 Years Isn’t Enough

After my 91-year-old mother finished having her hair cut and shaped, the stylist announced, “There, now you look ten years younger.” My mother, un­impressed, replied, “Who wants to look 81 years...

Garage Dog

I held a garage sale with my little blond cairn terrier for company. Soon came the first customer. He took his time browsing and examining everything I had out for...

Version of Mary

My 11-year-old takes his homework seriously. One question required him to write a sentence using the word version. His sentence: “Have you heard of the version Mary?”

No Oysters For Me

One day, my physician father treated himself to a plate of raw oysters and offered to share them with me. Just as I was about to dig in, he picked...

Toyota Disease

My friend took her teenage daughter to a new doctor for a checkup. The nurse asked the usual questions, including if she had an STD. “No,” said the teen. “We...

Both Love Me

When people hear that my husband and I just celebrated our 60th wedding anniversary, they inevitably ask us the secret to our long, successful marriage. In response, my husband will...

Military Outfit

As the general inspected our troops, he asked some of the Marines which outfit they were serving with. Ramrod straight, each would respond, “Marine Air Group 36, sir” or “Second...

George?!

It was World War II—the front—and we were on high alert. Around midnight, I noticed movement behind a bush. Rather than fire a shot, I shouted out the first half...

Don’t Listen to the Parrot

A frightened man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.” “Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.” “I will. I’m just here to...

Kitty Communist

Q: Who is the leader of the Kitty Communist Party?

A: Chairman Meow.

Man vs Man

Q: What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?

A: In a capitalist society, man exploits man,  and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.

Red Flags

Q: How did we know communism was doomed from the beginning?

A: All the red flags.

Proper Tea

Q: Why do Communists drink herbal tea?

A: Because proper tea is theft.

Riding Attire

What’s the difference between a  poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.

Sleeping Dogs

On a Facebook page for beginning artists, one asked, “Any suggestions for painting dogs?” Another responded,  “Wait till they’re asleep.”

Turn at the Cornfield

Living in rural Minnesota, I find driving through crowded Minneapolis difficult. “I have trouble figuring out when to turn and what lane to be in,” I complained to my grandson....

You Are Just Fine

Our doctor’s office called to let my husband know that the results from his blood tests came back and he was just fine. That didn’t suit my husband. “What’s my...

18 Months Old

My great-aunt looked confused when I told her that my daughter was 18 months old. “Oh,” she said. “I thought she was a year and a half.” “But Aunt Marie,”...

Run the Reds

An Uber is cruising down a boulevard when it runs a red light. “Hey!” the passenger shouts. “Be careful!” “Don’t worry,” says the driver. “My brother does it all the...

Who is Kissing Her?

My father was serving in a port city in post–World War II Germany when a ship laden with GIs docked. As the soldiers disembarked, they started to jeer and boo....

Direct Sun

My daughter was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding discouraged. “I don’t think I’ll ever get these flowers planted,” she moaned....

Tom One and Two

Although I’d been dating a woman for several months, I guess I didn’t know her as well as I thought. One day I called, and her ten-year-old son answered. “Hi,”...

Daughter-in-Law’s Husband

I’m lucky that my wife and mother are very close. I realized just how close the time I drove my mother to her doctor, which my wife usually does. When...

I Wanted to Flush

My six-year-old loved his pet fish. He watched and fed it faithfully, morning and night. But one day while he was in school, his fish died, so I flushed it...

Two Brothers

Q: How did the dead brother and his dead brother resemble each other? A: They were dead ringers.

Aim the Shot

Q: What kind of a shot was the dead man? A: He had dead aim.

The Cold Shoulder

Q: What kind of personality did the dead man have? A: He gave you the cold shoulder.

Even Report Cards

Q: How did the two dead brothers do in school? A: They were dead even.

Knew He Was Wrong

Q: Why were the people trying to get the dead man to change his mind? A: Because they knew he was dead wrong.

Broke to the Bone

Q: Why was the dead man not living well? A: Because he was dead broke.

Cold Feet

Q: Why was the dead man not courageous? A: Because he had cold feet.

A Cold Heart

Q: Why was the dead man insensitive? A: Because he had a cold heart.

Dead Divorce

Q: Why did the dead man divorce his dead wife? A: Because she was frigid.

Town Drifter

Q: Why did the town chase out the dead drifter? A: Because he was a deadbeat.

American in the Kitchen

Q: If you're an American in the kitchen, what are you when you're in the bathroom?

A: European!

Too Much Time

I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time-consuming.

Dead Lawyer

Q: How come nobody liked the dead lawyer? A: Because he was rotten to the core.

Life Magazine

Q: What is a dead man's favorite magazine? A: Life

He Gets Life

Q: Why was the dead man happy to be sentenced during his trial? A: Because they gave him life.

Too Early for Service

In the foyer of a church, a young boy was looking at a plaque with the names of men and women who had died in various wars.  He asked the...

Animal in the Car

Q: What do you call an animal you keep in your car?

A: A Carpet

Expensive Wigs

Q: Why shouldn't you visit an expensive wig shop?

A: It's too high a price 'toupee.'

Inky Pig

Q: Why did the pig have ink all over its face?

A: Because it came out of the pen.

Turn It Off and On Again

Whoever said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results has obviously never had to reboot a computer.

—William Petersen

Lost in Translation

I was on a business call when I realized I was late for a class at the gym. I must have sounded rushed, because the woman on the phone said,...

Heart-Stopping

My paramedic team was called to an emergency. Before we took the patient to the hospital, I had a question for his wife. “Does your husband have any cardiac problems?”...

On the Bright Side

A musician friend is always upbeat. But when she developed ringing in one ear, I was concerned it might overwhelm even her. When I asked whether her condition was especially...

Lawless

A young lawyer is working late one night when his door opens and in walks Satan himself. “I have an offer,” says Satan. “If you give me your soul and...

Send a Sign

The graveside service had just ended when there was a frightening clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning accompanied by even louder thunder. The little old man...

For Profit

Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody’s making a penny.

—Steven Wright, comedian

His Cup Runneth Over

A broke guy walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on. Just then, he spots a lamp lying in...

Lunar FOMO

Q. What did Neil Armstrong say when no one laughed at his moon jokes? A. “I guess you had to be there.”

Out of Cash

Q. How do you know when the moon is broke? A. When it’s down to its last quarter.

Seeing Is Believing

Q. Which is closer, Florida or the moon? A. The moon. You can’t see Florida from here.