When my son was four-years-old, we went camping in a primitive area with a tent. Prior to our camping trip, I had been explaining to him the importance of washing…
I checked on my six-year-old son one morning, and he wasn’t in his bed. I found him sleeping on the sofa. When I asked why he slept there, he said…
When my nephew, Victor, was five, I took him to a local stable for a pony ride. He was very impressed that the stable hands were riding without a saddle….
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A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs.
“Well, I’ll tell you” the farmer replied. “One day I was plowing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life”.
“Oh, that’s how he lost his leg?” the neighbor drawled.
“No. One night my wife and I were sound asleep and the house caught on fire. That pig woke us up. He saved our lives!”
“So that’s how he lost his leg”, stated the neighbor.
“No, that wasn’t it” the farmer affirmed.
Exasperated, the neighbor demanded “Then how did he lose his leg?” and the farmer replied, “When you have a pig that good, you don’t eat him all at once!”
This farmers wife prayed to the Lord and asked him, “How old will I be when I die?” His reply was 96 years old. She said, “Hot diggity dog, I…
When I was a little girl, we always had a calf that was in an electric fence. One day I had some friends over, and we were walking in the…
As a head cashier in a departmental store, I had to open and close the cash registers of the cashiers. Whenever a cashier started work, I was paged to open…
While my granddaughters Sunday School class was swimming in my pool, the teacher was putting up the rope to divide the shallow end from the deep end. My granddaughter said…
My friend is a court reporter, and recently she heard this: ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which….
“What are these pennies doing in my soup?” the restaurant patron demanded, motioning for the waiter to come over to his table. The waiter walked over and whispered, “You said…
A perfectionist walked into a bar…apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.
You know it is going to be a bad day when the letters in your alphabet soup spell D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R.
A man walked into the doctor’s office with a strawberry stuck in his ear. “Can you help me, doctor?” he pled. The doctor looked closely, and said, “I think I’ve got…
A fire hydrant has H-2-O on the inside and K-9-P on the outside.
One night, a dieting woman made a cake for the church potluck. Temptation got the best of her, and she ate it—all of it. Embarrassed, she then made a second cake. Her husband…
“Didn’t you use to hear music every time you put on your Western hat?” one cowboy asked another. “I sure did.” “How did you get it to stop?” “I removed…
Candice door open, or am I stuck out here?
Says me, that’s who!
Voodoo you think you are, asking all these questions?
Mikey isn’t working, can you let me in?
Scold outside, let me in!
Needle little help getting in the door!
I didn’t know you liked Japanese poetry!
I am who?
You tell me!!
Oink oink who?
Make up your mind—are you a pig, or an owl?!
Q. Are any Halloween monsters good at math?
A. No—unless you Count Dracula!
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper. They’re always plotting something.
Q. Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer?
A. Because she always runs away from the ball!
Q. Why is Peter Pan flying all the time?
A. He Neverlands!
Q. What do you get when you cross a snake with a tasty dessert?
A. A pie-thon!
Q: What is the hardest shape to get out of?
A: Tell me.
Q: The trap-azoid.
Q: Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
A: Gladys, who?
Q: Gladys the weekend—no homework!
Q: Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: Wooden shoe.
A: Wooden shoe, who?
Q: Wooden shoe like to know!
Q: Knock Knock
A: Who’s there?
A: Felix who?
Q: Felixausted, let me in!
Q: What do you get when two giraffes collide?
A: A giraffic jam
Q: Why did the crab never share?
A: Because he’s shellfish
Q: Where did the vampire college student go clothes shopping?
A: Forever 21
Q: What happened when the frog’s car broke down on the side of the road?
A: It gets toad away.
Q: What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
A: Plane Chocolate
Q: What’s the smartest animal?
A: A fish because they stay in schools!
Q: Why did the whale cross the street?
A: To get to the other tide.
My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned.
I thought we had good alchemy.
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator.
I guess we are raised differently.
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.
Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs. “Well, I’ll tell you” the farmer replied. “One day I was…
My wife won’t stop complaining about how long she spends breast-pumping for our new son.
She’s really milking it for all it’s worth.
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels.
She didn’t know I existed.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture.
But when I got home the tables were turned.
I rang the doctor and said, “Quick! My pregnant wife’s going into labor, what should I do?” He said, “Is this her first child?” I said, “No, this is her…
My wife apologized for the first time ever today.
She said she’s sorry she ever married me.
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
My wife keeps telling me that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met in her life.
I’m not buying it.
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar…
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think…
My wife says that I wasted money by ordering a 3-meter wide frame for our wedding photo.
Well, I think she should look at the bigger picture.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes…
You need to let that mango.
I gave my date a bottle of tonic water.
Schwepped her off her feet.
My wife thinks I don’t respect her privacy enough.
At least, that’s what it says in her diary.
My girlfriend said to me last night, “You treat our relationship like some kind of game!”
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour.
I said, “Wait, I can change.”
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.
I take that as a compliment…
Q: Daddy, why are all those cars beeping their horns?
A: Because there’s a wedding going happening.
Q: Don’t we been the horn a warning signal, Daddy?
A: Exactly, son.
Q: Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
A: That’s just how I roll.
Q: How much money does a skunk have?
A: One scent!
Q: What vegetables do librarians like?
A: Quiet peas.
Q: Why didn’t the sun go to college?
A: Because it already had a million degrees!
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that…
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account? They were Prime mates.
Don’t use “beef stew” as a computer password. It’s not stroganoff.
Q. Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks?