Jokes

Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.

The Perfect Fit

Q: How long does it take to know if a pair of underwear fits you well? A: Just a brief moment!

The Cold Shoulder

Q: What did the cannibal's wife do when her husband came home an hour late for dinner? A: She gave him the cold shoulder.

State Convos

"What did Mississippi let Delaware?" "I don't know, but Alaska!

Warm Up on the Corner

Q: Why should you sit in a corner when you get cold?

A: Because most corners are 90 degrees.

Invisible Bike

The new draftee refused to march with his squad. Instead, he rode his invisible motorcycle beside them while making motorcycle noises. After a few weeks of this and several psychiatric...

Groom Running Late

A police officer in a small town stopped a driver speeding down the main street. The driver said he could explain why he was speeding, but the police officer said...

Does She Look Good Yet?

A guy was in a bar drinking beer. He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer take out...

News too Late

Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results. The Doctor told him I have good news and bad news. “Good news is you have 48 hours...

Comfort Food

Q: Which dessert is perfect for eating in bed?

A: A sheet cake.

Milk Too Much

Why do cows never have any money?

Because the farmers milk them dry!

Hearing Aid Missing

The old man was sitting on the examining table in the doctor’s office having his hearing checked. The doctor poked his light scope in the old man’s ear and said,...

Escargot

A snail named Samuel just got a raise working as a realtor. He decided since he got this money he will get a custom sports car with a big “S”...

Matzah Braille

A blind guy goes to the Passover Seder and someone passes him a piece of matzah. He runs his fingers over it and loudly exclaims, "Who wrote this garbage!?!?"

Air and Space

I visited the Air and Space Museum...Nothing was there.

Origami Plant

I used to work for an origami company until it folded.

The Other Word for Aspirin

My memory is getting so bad, I asked the pharmacist, "Do you have any Acetylsalicylic acid?"

"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.

"That's it! I can never remember that word."

Cable Appointment

The cable repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was. I told him it is between 8 am and 1 pm.

Laughing Stock

A rancher was persuaded to cross-breed his cattle with hyenas. It was a disaster. The offspring were the laughing stock of the community!

Dressy Alligator

Q: What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

A: An Investigator!

Clumsy Fish

Q: What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

A: "Dam!"

Good News, Bad News

A doctor told his patient, “There’s good news and bad news. The bad news is, you have partial short-term memory loss.” The patient said, “Oh no, Doctor. What’s the bad...

Chicken in Motion

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: Because he was poultry in motion.

Laughing in Heaven

Q. How can you make God laugh?

A. Tell him your plans.

Kids These Days

Have you played the updated kids' game? I Spy With My Little Eye . . . Phone.

What’s the Buzz

“Doctor, I keep seeing an insect buzzing around me.” “Don’t worry; that’s just a bug that’s going around.”

It’s Not Easy Being Green

My husband and I spent a rare day with our youngest grandson Malakai, as they live 350 miles away. We crafted, painted, and colored. I made his initials with glitter...

Not the Time for Jokes

When my friend’s wife was in labor, he would tell jokes to keep her mind off the pain, but this didn’t amuse her much. I guess it was the delivery.

Toast at the Zoo

You can see the strangest things if you look hard enough. The other day I saw a piece of toast in a cage at the zoo. It was bread in...

Tractor Trouble

As Farmer Brown approached his neighbor’s barn, he saw Farmer Jones serenading a tractor with songs and compliments.  “What are you doing?” Farmer Brown demanded. Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and...

The Thirsty Weasel

One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel went down to the local dance hall. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The...

Dark Times

I remember how embarrassed I was when I couldn’t pay my electric bill.  It was the darkest day of my life.

The Wind Is My Enemy

You measure my life in hours and I serve you by expiring. I’m quick when I’m thin and slow when I’m fat. The wind is my enemy.  Hard riddles want...

Potty Training in the Wild

When my son was four-years-old, we went camping in a primitive area with a tent. Prior to our camping trip, I had been explaining to him the importance of washing...

Defender of the Innocent

I checked on my six-year-old son one morning, and he wasn’t in his bed. I found him sleeping on the sofa. When I asked why he slept there, he said...

Uncle Pony

When my nephew, Victor, was five, I took him to a local stable for a pony ride. He was very impressed that the stable hands were riding without a saddle....

Hockey and Hometowns

I took my eight-year-old niece to a Chicago Blackhawks hockey game against the Montreal Canadians. She asked, "Are the Canadians from Canada?"

Wrinkles and Irony

This farmers wife prayed to the Lord and asked him, “How old will I be when I die?” His reply was 96 years old. She said, “Hot diggity dog, I...

Siblings in the Orchard

When I was a little girl, we always had a calf that was in an electric fence. One day I had some friends over, and we were walking in the...

Cashier Phrases

As a head cashier in a departmental store, I had to open and close the cash registers of the cashiers. Whenever a cashier started work, I was paged to open...

Shallow Sunday School

While my granddaughters Sunday School class was swimming in my pool, the teacher was putting up the rope to divide the shallow end from the deep end. My granddaughter said...

Parenting in Court

My friend is a court reporter, and recently she heard this: ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which....

Change Up The Menu

“What are these pennies doing in my soup?” the restaurant patron demanded, motioning for the waiter to come over to his table. The waiter walked over and whispered, “You said...

Bar Set High

A perfectionist walked into a bar...apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.

Bad Day Ahead

You know it is going to be a bad day when the letters in your alphabet soup spell D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R.

Strawberry Cream

A man walked into the doctor’s office with a strawberry stuck in his ear.  “Can you help me, doctor?” he pled. The doctor looked closely, and said, “I think I’ve got...

Marking Their Territory

A fire hydrant has H-2-O on the inside and K-9-P on the outside.

Second Cake

One night, a dieting woman made a cake for the church potluck. Temptation got the best of her, and she ate it—all of it.  Embarrassed, she then made a second cake.  Her husband...

Stop the Music

“Didn’t you use to hear music every time you put on your Western hat?” one cowboy asked another. “I sure did.” “How did you get it to stop?” “I removed...

Open Up

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Candice. Candice who? Candice door open, or am I stuck out here?

Knock-Knock Sass

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Says. Says who? Says me, that's who!

Downright Magical

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Voodoo. Voodoo who? Voodoo you think you are, asking all these questions?

Locked Out

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Mikey. Mikey who? Mikey isn't working, can you let me in?  

Brrr!

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Scold. Scold who? Scold outside, let me in!

Real Sharp

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Needle. Needle who? Needle little help getting in the door!

This Seems Familiar…

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Dejav. Dejav who? Knock! Knock!  

Poet and You Don’t Even Know It

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Hike. Hike who? I didn't know you liked Japanese poetry!

Mistaken Identity

Knock! Knock! Who's there? I am. I am who? You tell me!!

Pigs Fly

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Oink oink. Oink oink who? Make up your mind—are you a pig, or an owl?!

Do the Monster Math

Q. Are any Halloween monsters good at math? A. No—unless you Count Dracula!

The Plot Thickens

Never trust math teachers who use graph paper. They're always plotting something.

The Glass Slippers Don’t Help…

Q. Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer? A. Because she always runs away from the ball!

You Can Fly

Q. Why is Peter Pan flying all the time? A. He Neverlands!

Serpents Plus Sweets

Q. What do you get when you cross a snake with a tasty dessert? A. A pie-thon!

Out Of Shape

Q: What is the hardest shape to get out of? A: Tell me. Q: The trap-azoid.

Gladys Is At The Door

Q: Knock, knock. A: Who’s there? Q: Gladys. A: Gladys, who? Q: Gladys the weekend—no homework!

Knocking On My Door

Q: Knock, knock. A: Who's there? Q: Wooden shoe. A: Wooden shoe, who? Q: Wooden shoe like to know!

Felix Is At The Door

Q: Knock Knock A: Who's there? Q: Felix. A: Felix who? Q: Felixausted, let me in!

Two Giraffes Are Driving

Q: What do you get when two giraffes collide? A: A giraffic jam

Sharing A Crab

Q: Why did the crab never share? A: Because he's shellfish

Where Vampires Shop

Q: Where did the vampire college student go clothes shopping? A: Forever 21

Frogmobile

Q: What happened when the frog's car broke down on the side of the road? A: It gets toad away.

Airport Chocolate

Q: What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? A: Plane Chocolate

Animals With Smarts

Q: What's the smartest animal? A: A fish because they stay in schools!