A Trusted Friend in a Complicated World

Jokes

Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.

Independence

Prior to our wedding, David and I met with the minister to discuss our marriage ceremony and various traditions, such as lighting the unity candle from two individual candles. Couples...

Keeping Secrets

Doug was leaving church after Christmas services when Father McCarthy took him aside. "Douglas, my son," he said, "it’s time you joined the Army of the Lord. We need to...

Lie Test

Sign in an Atlanta police station:

"In God we trust—others we polygraph."

Light Reading

Most of my English literature classmates thought reading Melville’s Billy Budd would be an easy task because the novel is only 90 pages long. One boy, however, complained that the...

Losing Players

One Sunday I asked our pastor to announce that the church softball team had won its league championship. As he did, he asked team members to stand up. Although there...

Love Report

A young man I know, who recently became law clerk to a prominent New Jersey judge, was asked to prepare a suggested opinion in an important case. After working on...

Mailing Commandments

When Travis Wolfe was the editor of religious news for the Chattanooga, Tennessee, Times, he would receive photographs from clergymen, church musicians, and speakers on religion. Wolfe made it a...

Math Class

The ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything to get him to do well in school, but nothing worked. Finally they enrolled him in a Catholic school. From...

Mating

Our synagogue was throwing a coming-out party of sorts for our new officiant, which was to be billed as "Coffee With the Cantor." The guest of honor, an Argentine, suggested...

Meeting Place

A man left Chicago for a vacation in Key West. His wife was on a business trip and planned to fly down to meet him the next day. When the...

Multiple Fathers

A group of guys I know took a trip to France and decided to attend Mass in a small town, even though none of them understood French. They managed to...

New Driver

During a Sunday service, the pastor asked the congregation for their intentions. We heard the usual requests to pray for sick people and the acknowledgments for those who helped when...

New Form of Communication

Seen while passing by a church:

"Get in touch with God by knee mail."

New Phrases

New definitions to add to your vocabulary: Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s. Bernadette: The act of torching your mortgage. Parasites: What you see from the...

No Lawsuits

Sidewalks were treacherous after a heavy snowstorm blanketed the University of Idaho campus. Watching people slip and slide, I gingerly made my way to class. Suddenly I found myself on...

Not so Good Looking

Two priests died at the same time and met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Our computer’s down," said St. Peter. "You’ll have to go back for a week, but...

Occupied

My wife and I arrived late to a crowded religious convention where there was standing room only. We noticed some people get up to leave, and after they hadn’t returned...

One for Every Room

One Sunday our priest announced he was passing out miniature crosses made of palm leaves. "Put this cross in the room where your family argues most," he advised. "When you...

Path to a Great Car

My husband and sons and I had stopped to take in a spectacular sunset and were on our way back to our car when four Buddhist monks dressed in orange...

Paying For It

When a friend received a traffic ticket, he promptly sent the policeman an orchid. Asked why, he explained: "I figure that when he gets the orchid, he will give it...

Perfect Answer

You are driving along on a wild stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and see three people waiting for the bus: 1. An elderly woman who is about...

Personal Storage

In December at our church, we collect frozen turkeys from generous parishioners, and I drive the turkeys to the Calgary Food Bank in time for Christmas. Contributions are left in...

Pucker Up

Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women." The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into...

Put Together

Jake, Johnny, and Billy died and went to heaven. "Welcome," St. Peter said. "You’ll be very happy here if you just obey our rule: Never step on a duck. If...

Reading the Signs

A motorist was driving in the country when he came upon a priest and a rabbi standing on the shoulder of the road, fishing. Next to them was a sign...

Refusing a Bet

I went to the butcher’s the other day and I bet him fifty bucks that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are...

Running Away

Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush. "Hello," Bush said. "Nice weather we’re having, huh?" Moses took one look at the President, turned, and...

Saying Grace

Walking through the forest, an atheist hears a rustling in the bushes. Turning, he sees a massive grizzly charging towards him! He runs as fast as he can but trips...

Seating Sections

While serving as church usher, I was carrying out our tradition of escorting parishioners to their seats before the service began. After I returned to the entrance of the sanctuary...

Sharing Things

The newly appointed priest was being briefed by the housekeeper on problems in the rectory that required immediate attention. "Your roof needs repair, Father," she said. "Your water pressure is...

Shoeless

Shortly after my husband passed away, one of my daughter’s Jewish friends approached her with a question. "Kate," he said, "I’ve never attended a Catholic wake before. What is the...

Showing a Different Side

A human-resources director found herself at the Pearly Gates. "We’ve never had a human-resources director here before," said St. Peter. "So we’re going to let you spend one day in...

Showing up Late

My first pastoral ministry was as an assistant pastor to youth at a large church in the Pennsylvania Dutch country. In the fall of that first year, an evangelist was...

Slow and Steady

There were only two people in line ahead of me at the electronics store, yet the wait was dragging on forever. Finally the customer behind me muttered, “Mr. Hare must...

Smart Bird

My high-school basketball team was scheduled to play in the district tournament, and when we got there we were all excited to find our pictures and our stats published in...

Someone Special

A Harley rider eating in a restaurant is checking out a gorgeous redhead. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket. The biker reaches up,...

Southern Representative

Danny was hard to miss at our school. A Civil War buff who forever wore his Confederate overcoat, he was a friend to all. When he was passed over during...

Speed Signs

As we approached a small town in Illinois, my wife and I were amazed at the crudely painted signs along the road, warning "Speed Trap Ahead!" I cautiously slowed down,...

Spoiled Rotten

What do you get from a pampered cow?…Spoiled milk.

Stars in the Sky

Freshmen in the general-science class at Mark Twain Middle School in Mar Vista, Calif., were studying astronomy. "What do we call a group of stars that makes an imaginary picture...

State of Disaster

Los Angeles weatherman Fritz Coleman, after a year that included a few earthquakes, several wildfires, extreme winds, record flooding, and even some funnel clouds: "California—more than a state, it’s an...

Still Living

One of my friends is in charge of the part-time help hired by an old-age home run by an order of nuns. She confided to the mother superior, a feisty...

Strange Request

Toward the close of a banquet held during an Episcopal Church convention some years ago, the bishop of the diocese stood up and quite disrupted the entire affair by announcing,...

Stressed Out

While in seminary, I taught the Old Testament to prisoners. One evening as I waited for a guard to appear and check me in, I noticed the fellow ahead of...

Taking the First Step

A man walks into a church one day and kneels down to pray. "Lord," he says, "I’ve made mistakes, but I’m determined to change. If you let me win the...

Tell-All Sign

At church recently, I stopped to study an announcement promoting the youth choir’s sandwich sale. Being an English teacher, I couldn’t resist the temptation to correct the last line, which...

The Right Answer

During his children’s sermon, our assistant pastor asked the kids, "What is gray, has a bushy tail, and gathers nuts in the fall?" One five-year-old raised his hand. "I know...

The Show Will go On

My co-worker and I were making a sales call to a rural Baptist church. We gave our presentation to the church committee, and then the group’s chairman walked to the...

To go Either Way

The ordination of women as Episcopal ministers occasionally presents awkward situations as to what to call us. "Father" sounds inappropriate to some; "Mother" is traditionally used for unordained women overseeing...

Too Close

While discussing the plight of driver’s-license examiners, a former motor-vehicle-bureau director told about a woman who was parallel parking. "Could you get a little closer?" the examiner asked. And she...

Too Many Kids

Desperate for a child, a couple asked their priest to pray for them. "I’m going on sabbatical to Rome," he replied. "I’ll light a candle in St. Peter’s for you."...

Too Much Money

My husband, an attorney, is frequently consulted by clients who, after learning what the cost of legal services will be, decide to do without his aid. Recently the elderly minister...

Unanswered Prayers

During birth-preparation class we were learning relaxation techniques, and the instructor asked us to come up with ideas to lower stress levels. Silence pervaded the room, but one dad, a...

Underwater

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?…Dam!

Uninvited

Two convicts are working on a chain gang. "I heard the warden’s daughter up and married a guy down on cellblock D," the first con says to the other. "The...

Up and Down

Today in the markets, helium was up; feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. The market for raisins...

Very Impatient

I was working as a phone-order representative for a textbook publisher. One very busy day, many customers had been put on hold. When I took my next call, I heard...

Visitation Rights

My law partner was presenting a no-fault divorce case to an Ohio domestic-relations court. The couple involved had no children, but they did have a dog, of whom both were...

Waiting for the Fine

The judge had not yet put in an appearance in the San Diego traffic court. When the bailiff entered the courtroom, he sensed the nervousness of the traffic offenders awaiting...

Well Behaved

Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, my brother and three other priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time on the golf course. After...

Well Known

Fellow employees at the international company where I work know I’m a notary public and have me certify personal documents. One day, two Swedish men asked me to witness signatures...

What Would He Pay?

While waiting in line to check out at a Christian bookstore, a man in front of me asked the clerk about a display of hats with the letters WWJD on...

Work Material

While I was driving through a seedy area of San Diego, I noticed that sandwiched between a strip bar and a liquor store sat a storefront with all of its...

Writing Back

A female attorney in a law office found a typewriter on her desk with this note: “We are short of secretarial help and need your assistance.” Recognizing that this was...

Wrong Day

Our minister’s sermon was about how the institution of marriage is under assault in popular culture. He cited the show Desperate Housewives . "How many are going to watch the...

Wrong Hospital

Sitting on a bus just days after undergoing surgery at New England Baptist Hospital in Boston, my father noticed a passenger coming down the aisle with a standard-issue hospital cane...

Asking for Help

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked,...

Caught Again

A woman was driving down the street and got stopped by a police officer. "May I see your driver’s license?" he said. She looked at him with disgust. "What’s the...

Even Steven

A group of prospective jurors was asked by the judge whether any of them felt they had ever been treated unfairly by an officer of the law. "I once got...

Giving it Away

On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was driving at a reasonable speed. But the flashing blue lights in my rearview mirror made me realize that I’d been...

Legal Trouble

Some years ago, my dad, an attorney, took me to a fancy restaurant in New York City. When the bill arrived, there was a $1.50 charge for bread and butter....

Repercussions

While I was serving as a juror, I chanced to share the elevator one morning with a visiting judge. He asked me where the jurors parked, and I informed him...

Squealing Evidence

Phil was driving down a country road late one night when he felt a big thud. He got out of the car and looked around, but the road was empty....