I think my wife’s going deaf," Joe told their doctor. "Try to test her hearing at home and let me know how severe her problem is before you bring her...
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Heavy Situation
Spotted in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch:
"Fitness Club Closes, Going Belly Up."
"Fitness Club Closes, Going Belly Up."
Holiday Contest
The contest was simple: Which department in the hospital where I worked as a nurse could create the best Christmas decorations? While they didn’t win first prize, the members of...
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Household Duties
One rainy morning, my mother went for her daily run. As she returned to the house, she slipped and fell, hitting her head on the driveway. I called the paramedics....
Hungry Cat
One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter’s indoor feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch about...
Hungry Dogs
At a workshop on dog temperament, the instructor noted that a test for a canine’s disposition was for an owner to fall down and act hurt. A dog with poor...
Hunting Season
A group of Alaskan housewives had gotten together for morning coffee and, since several of us were pregnant, the talk drifted to babies and doctors. One of the women announced...
It's Your Duty
Spotted on T-shirts for sale in the Ponce de Leon Coast Guard Exchange:
"Support Your Local Coast Guard…Get Lost."
"Support Your Local Coast Guard…Get Lost."
Junk Food Cure
Traditional Chinese drugstores are always filled with bizarre remedies for everyday ailments. So while traveling in the Far East, I couldn’t resist going into a drugstore to look around. There...
Junk Food
To mail a big package of cookies to my two Air Force sons, both of whom were serving in Saudi Arabia, I was required to attach a label describing the...
Just as Guilty
Rushing to a bridge tournament, I was pulled over for going 43 in a 35 m.p.h. zone. "What’ll I tell my husband?" I worried, explaining to the police officer that...
Just Say No
Recently engaged, my brother-in-law Jeff brought his fiancée home to meet the family. When asked if she was enjoying herself, she politely replied yes. "She would say that," Jeff interjected....
Knocked Out
I was about to leave the house on an errand, and my husband was getting ready for a dental appointment. "I wish we could trade places," I said, knowing how...
Labor Words
Seen on a car parked outside a gynecologist’s office:
“PUUUSH.”
“PUUUSH.”
Labor Work
Carol was pregnant with her first child, and her husband was about to leave on a two-week business trip. When Carol went to her doctor appointment, she had some questions....
Large Amount of Money
For years my sister’s husband tried unsuccessfully to persuade her to get a hearing aid. "How much do they cost?" she asked one day after he had pitched the idea...
Large Servings
Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing...
Last One Out
For our 20th anniversary my husband and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling. After an hour in the water everyone got back on the boat, except for me...
Leak
I was lying on my couch, burning up with a fever, when my husband said I should go to bed. At three o’clock the next morning, I woke up soaked...
Light Workout
When my wife called a friend on our touch-tone phone, the line was busy. She tried several more times, but without success. Watching her, I asked why she wasn’t using...
Literally Speaking
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing...
Lunatic
I like hunting fossils, a hobby that isn’t exactly my wife’s favorite. On one excursion, I found the petrified bones of a squirrel-like mammal. When I brought them home and...
Magic Cat
I worked at a boarding kennel where people leave their dogs and cats while on vacation. One morning I had taken a cat out of his cage, and after playing...
Mapping it Out
For my fourth Caesarian section I opted for a bikini incision, which, along with the previous scars, would form an arrow on my tummy. "Honey," my husband joked when I...
Mixed Up
After my wife had a sonogram, I asked my mother-in-law to guess the sex of the twins her daughter was carrying. "Two boys," she said. I shook my head. "It...
Money Talk
During the year that my husband, Bob, was undergoing expensive dental reconstruction, he got to know everyone in the dentist’s office. When a couple of staffers teased him about his...
Mysterious Hotel Guest
A Connecticut chap, an incorrigible practical joker, often makes his long-suffering wife the butt of his painful pranks. But last fall she finally got her chance to even the score....
New Behind
Last New Year’s Eve found me in the hospital scheduled for an operation to remove hemorrhoids. So while others donned party hats and sipped champagne, I wore a hospital gown...
Nifty Replacement
I spent an afternoon helping my boyfriend move into a new home. In one carton I found a crockpot, with an odd-looking and very dirty metal lid. Later I ushered...
Not a Regular
Everyone vows to join a gym and go three days a week. Yeah, right. A woman once called me at the health club where I used to work. "I got...
Not Accepted
It had been a long time—seven years to be exact—since my friend Brian had been to see his doctor. So the nurse told him that if he wanted to make...
Office Hours
When I became a licensed chiropractor, I moved back to my hometown and soon had a thriving practice. One morning I saw a new patient whom I recognized as my...
Old Patient
My 60-year-old mother-in-law, completing two years of wearing orthodontic braces, was in the office having them adjusted. As she sat in one of the waiting- room chairs, the teenager next...
One Great Performance
About two o’clock one summer morning, my friend and her husband, who likes to sleep in his birthday suit, were awakened by a thunderstorm. They both dashed from the bed...
One Loud Trip
Pregnant with our second child, I was determined to ride my exercise bike at least two miles a day. Late one night, having put it off all day, I climbed...
One Stop Cleanup
My friend’s husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put his theory...
Opposite in Nature
My mother and I were having a mother-daughter talk about the qualities to look for in a husband. She stressed that husband and wife should be as much alike as...
Other Commitments
As we left the gym after our first real workout in years, my husband and I both felt energized. "Let’s renew our commitment to do it three times a week,"...
Overeater
Although I knew I had put on a few pounds, I didn’t consider myself overweight until the day I decided to clean my refrigerator. I sat on a chair in...
Painful Situation
Recovering from knee surgery and the extraction of impacted wisdom teeth, I was lying on the couch with an ice bag on my leg and hot-water bottles against both cheeks....
Part of the Audience
I’m never very comfortable with any kind of physical test or procedure, but when I was referred to a doctor for a breast exam, I agreed to see him. I...
Payback
As a dental hygienist, I try to relieve my patients’ anxiety by going over the procedures before starting. After talking to one patient, a police officer, I asked him if...
Paying For It
A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions. "Have you ever paid for...
Personal Ad
After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look...
Personal Service
My wife and her friend Karen were talking about their labor-saving devices as they pulled into our driveway. Karen said, “I love my new garage-door opener.” “I love mine too,”...
Pet Giveaway
From the Danvers, Ill., Shopper:
"Ferret, likes kids, nice pet, but chewed the guinea pig's ear off. Also, partially 2deaf guinea pig."
"Ferret, likes kids, nice pet, but chewed the guinea pig's ear off. Also, partially 2deaf guinea pig."
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Pregnant Swap
I was in my ninth month of pregnancy and feeling very uncomfortable. On top of everything, my pleas for sympathy seemed to go unnoticed by my husband. One day I...
Pretend Doctor
For several years, my job was to answer all viewer phone calls and mail concerning the daytime television soap operas our company produced. One day a woman called wanting medical...
Pucker Up
One night my friend John and I were sitting at a bar where he used to work, when an attractive woman, a former co-worker, came in and sat next to...
Reaching Back
During a visit with my mother, who was in the hospital, I popped into the cafeteria for breakfast. I set a piece of bread on the moving toaster rack and...
Reading the Obvious
Safety is job one in the Air Force. Overstating the obvious is job two, as I discovered when crawling into my military-issue sleeping bag. The label read: "In case of...
Reeled In
A friend of mine was working as a nurse in a West Australian coastal town when a tourist came into the medical center with a fishhook lodged deep in his...
Regular Feeding
When my daughter and I caught only one perch on our fishing trip—not enough for even a modest lunch—we decided to feed it to her two cats. She put our...
Rooting for the Other Team
About to have a blood test, I nervously waited while the nurse tightened a tourniquet around my arm. "I understand you’re from Oklahoma," she said. "Are you a Sooners fan?"...
Rounding Up
My sister decided to go on a diet, and that first evening she phoned me. I could tell her mouth was full, so I asked her what she was eating....
Running Days
A friend of mine had resisted efforts to get him to run with our jogging group until his doctor told him he had to exercise. Soon thereafter, he reluctantly joined...
Same Patient
After I warned the nurse taking blood that it would be very hard to find a vein on me, she said, "Don’t worry. We’ve seen worse. Last year we had...
Season's Greetings
On the Friday before Christmas, a group of tuberculosis patients at the VA hospital in Springfield, Missouri, were filing past the fluoroscope for a checkup and the atmosphere was none...
Secret Information
While standing watch in the Coast Guard station in Juneau, Alaska, I got a call from the Navy in the nearby city of Adak. They had lost contact with one...
Seeing People
One of our regular patients at the counseling center had complained of hearing voices. So the doctor gave him medication. When the man came back for a follow-up, I asked...
Seeing the Light
A client of our optometry business was jubilant after I replaced the scratched, dirty lenses in his eyeglasses with new ones. “This is great!” he said. “I just gained two...
Separation
At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for her and her husband. The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from sitting together....
Setting up a Brigade
My brother and I arrived at boot camp together. On the first morning, our unit was dragged out of bed by our drill sergeant and made to assemble outside. "My...
Sharp Objects
Employed as a dental receptionist, I was on duty when an extremely nervous patient came for root-canal surgery. He was brought into the examining room and made comfortable in the...
Shopping Disaster
My mother and my wife—both nurses—were shopping together when a woman in a nearby dressing room fell unconscious. Mom discovered that the woman wasn’t breathing, so she and my wife...
Sink or Swim
While at a marine-supply store stocking up on equipment for my boat, I also purchased an inflatable life preserver. "It was my wife’s idea," I explained to the grizzled salesman...
Smart Ones
One of my jobs in the Army is to give service members and their families tours of the demilitarized zone in South Korea. Before taking people to a lookout point...
Smelling the Cat
At the end of a visit to Amsterdam, a friend borrowed an old suitcase from his hosts to carry home his souvenirs. At the airport, however, a customs officer subjected...
Smile For the Camera
When my husband visited our son, Michael, at boot camp, he found him marching smartly with his unit. Michael’s father proudly approached the soldiers and began to snap photo after...
Surgery at the Game
On a Saturday afternoon when football fever was running high in South Bend, Indiana, a Notre Dame student was brought into the hospital where I was on duty as a...
Surgery fix
A hairdressing client of mine told me of her husband’s recovery after having double bypass heart surgery. She had recounted the doctor’s orders to her husband, saying, "In six weeks...
Switching Roles
A husband-and-wife photography team we know shoot their pictures together, do their developing and printing together—in fact, they’re together 24 hours of the day. We wondered how they managed to...
Switching Sizes
After noticing how trim my husband had become, a friend asked me how I had persuaded him to diet. It was then I shared my dark secret: "I put our...