Because I was processing my first accident report at the transport company where I worked, I was being particularly attentive. The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and…
Answering Your Own Question
An acquaintance of mine was hired as a research assistant by the physics department of a West Coast university to investigate the thermodynamic properties of wood. Two weeks after starting…
Assembly Line
Students in the adult French class I teach include quite a few health-care professionals. During one class, I was coughing so badly a doctor in the class raised her hand….
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Weighing every viewpoint
250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just not on the right planet.
Business Wardrobe
It was our new receptionist’s very first job, and it showed in the way she dressed—her revealing clothes screamed "college" more than "office." As diplomatically as he could, our boss…
Caffeinated
Our family was dazzled by the sights and the bustling crowds during a visit to Manhattan. "This is the city that never sleeps," I told my eleven-year-old daughter. "That’s probably…
Caffeine Operated
The chef of the upscale restaurant I manage collided with a waiter one day and spilled coffee all over our computer. The liquid poured into the processing unit, and resulted…
Car Trouble
Our teenage son, Marc, never misses an opportunity to remind us that he needs his own car. One morning as I drove him to school, it was apparent that we…
Change in Appearance
While doing renovations in our house, one of the workmen paused to look at a flattering photo of me wearing makeup and a fancy gown. I heard him let out…
Cheap Ticket
As an airline reservation agent, I took a call from a man who wanted to book a flight for two but wasn’t happy with the price of $59 per ticket….
Chicken Scratch
Ever wonder what medical personnel scribble on those clipboards attached to the foot of the bed? Here are some incredible comments taken from hospital charts: "The patient refused autopsy." "The…
Class Act
Recently I was grading history tests for my fourth-graders. I’d included an extra credit question: "List up to five good facts about Abraham Lincoln." One of my D students surprised…
Color Problems
A favorite story among color-film processors concerns the negative of a poodle which a woman sent to a photo-finishing lab. When the print was made, the dog came out looking…
Computer Talk
My husband and I are both in an Internet business, but he’s the one who truly lives, eats and breathes computers. I finally realized how bad it had gotten when…
Contradiction
Seen on the door of a repair shop:
WE CAN FIX ANYTHING. (Please knock on the door—the bell doesn’t work.)
Disloyal Customer
The aquarium shop where I work has been in business for more than 20 years. One Sunday a customer called wanting to buy a larger aquarium. "And by the way,…
Doctor's Order
It was an unusually hectic evening at the emergency clinic where I work. The doctor on duty was simultaneously bombarded with questions, given forms to sign, and even asked for…
Double Decker
It began as an innocent game with my toddler son, Robert. I’d get in the fighter’s stance and start shadowboxing. Jabbing with both fists, I’d say, "One-two, one-two," and he…
Embarassing Mix Up
Students at Iowa State University proved once and for all that the computer just can’t replace human calculations. They held an "IBM mixer" dance, where each student fed his vital…
Eye Candy
On vacation my nine-year-old son, Ryan, and I were at the pool, where two attractive young women wearing thong bikinis were sunning themselves. I noticed that Ryan kept staring at…
Fashion Forward
A client recently brought her two cats to my husband’s veterinary clinic for their annual checkup. One was a small-framed, round tiger-striped tabby, while the other was a long, sleek…
Fast Video
I thought I had finally found a way to convince Susan, my continually harried friend, that she needed to find ways to relax. I invited her to dinner and,…
Finding a Way Out
To keep their active two-year-old from roaming onto the busy street in front of their home, my sister and brother-in-law decided to put a gate across the driveway. After working…
Fitting Into Small Spaces
Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker. I heard him…
Fruity Fragrance
After years of using the same perfumes, I decided to try something different and settled on a light, citrusy fragrance. The next day I was surprised when it was my…
Getting an Eyefull
When a fellow piano tuner was ill, I took over his assignment of tuning a piano in a girls’ boardinghouse. While I was at work, several of the girls strolled…
Getting the Cold Shoulder
I was working as a short-order cook at two restaurants in the same neighborhood. On a Saturday night, I was finishing up the dinner shift at one restaurant and hurrying…
Hard Scrubber
I work as a nurse’s aide in a large hospital. One morning as I began to bathe one of my patients, she put out her hand to stop me. "Do…
Innocent Victim
Working as a secretary at an international airport, my sister had an office adjacent to the room where security temporarily holds suspects. One day security officers were questioning a man…
Jail Time
My older son loves school, but his younger brother absolutely hates it. One weekend he cried and fretted and tried every excuse not to go back on Monday. Sunday morning…
Larger Than Life
As an obstetrician, I sometimes see unusual tattoos when working in labor and delivery. One patient had some type of fish tattoo on her abdomen. "That sure is a pretty…
Like Father Like Son
I was on duty as an emergency-room technician when a father brought in his son, who had poked a tire from one of his toy trucks up his nose. The…
Lisp
The boss placed a sign directly over the sink in the men’s room at work. It had a single word on it: "Think!" The next day when the boss went…
Locked Out
Being the office supervisor, I had to have a word with a new employee who never arrived at work on time. I explained that her tardiness was unacceptable and that…
Look-a-Likes
My sister was busy getting ready to host our entire family for Easter. On her to-do list was a hair appointment for her daughter. "So, Katie," said the stylist as…
Loss Over Technology
The 104-year-old building that had served as the priory and primary student residence of the small Catholic university where I work was about to be demolished. As the wrecker’s ball…
Male and Female
Faculty members at Texas Christian university were urged to become familiar with the timesaving machines of the new computer center. Basic courses in their use were given, and research projects…
Math Calculation
Another man and I share a locker at work. Noticing that it needed a new combination lock, my partner said he would pick one up on his way to work…
Misunderstood
Hard to believe, but many of our customers at the bank still don’t know how to swipe their card through the ATM card reader. Because of this, my fellow tellers…
Money Line
Pulling into my service station 45 minutes late one morning, I shouted to the customers, "I’ll turn the pumps on right away!" What I didn’t know was that the night…
More Than Welcomed
My fellow teacher called for help—she needed someone who knew about animals. As a science teacher, I filled the bill. "Oh," she added, "bring a net." Expecting to find some…
Mouse Trap
My brother Jim was hired by a government agency and assigned to a small office cubicle in a large area. At the end of his first day, he realized he…
Muscially Challenged
The generation gap proved glaringly obvious at the mail-order music company where my wife works as a customer service representative. Some college students, who were working part-time inputting customer information,…
Musical Dummy
My musical director wasn’t happy with the performance of one of our percussionists. Repeated attempts to get the drummer to improve failed. Finally, in front of the orchestra, the director…
Not So Advanced
A solar-powered computer wristwatch, which is programmed to tell the time and date for 125 years, has a guarantee—for two years.
Not Very Helpful
During a shopping trip to a department store, I was looking around for a salesperson so I could pay for my purchase. Finally I ran into a woman wearing the…
Weighing every viewpoint
250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just not on the right planet.
Nut Case
Unfortunately, we humans don’t come equipped with delete buttons for our mouths. My friend and his rock band were playing a concert at the psychiatric hospital where he worked as…
Office Meeting
The company where I work provides four-foot-high cubicles so each employee can have some privacy. One day a co-worker had an exasperating phone conversation with one of her teenage sons….
On the Run
As a promotional gimmick for my restaurant, I send out coupons offering people a free dinner on their birthdays. One day an anxious-sounding man called. "I got your card. How…
One Big Thanks
A friend of mine has an adopted son who, at six-foot-one, loves to play basketball. The boy was applying to basketball camp, and a section of the application called for…
One Hot Description
On duty as a customer-service representative for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he…
One Sick Customer
I’m an attendant in a Laundromat. A woman came in, sat near my counter and chain-smoked cigarette after cigarette. The smoke was bothering me, so I turned on a fan….
One Stinky Promise
On the back of a septic-service company truck:
“Satisfaction guaranteed, or your merchandise cheerfully refunded.”
Other Emergency
Our family took shelter in the basement after hearing a tornado warning. My husband told everyone to stay put while he got his cell phone out of the car, in…
Painful Situation
I thought I wanted a tattoo, so I had a friend come with me to the tattoo parlor. As I nervously paused outside the door, I noticed the T had…
Parental Duties
On a demographics survey given at our high school, students were asked, "What disadvantages do you see in having children?" Usual answers included "It’s expensive to raise kids" and "They…
Personal Problems
After being on the phone forever with a customer who had been having difficulties with a computer program, a support technician at my mother’s company turned in his report: "The…
Planning Ahead
The day before my graduation from Soldan High School in St. Louis, the principal called an assembly. He wanted to say farewell informally, he explained, as he reviewed our years…
Plow Driver
I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had little experience flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The…
Problems on Both Ends
My nephew, a flight attendant, split the back of his pants one day during a flight. To save embarrassment, he decided to work in front of the beverage cart, facing…
Protection
Each new patient at the clinic where I work must fill out a questionnaire asking basic health and personal-history questions. One query that inevitably gets a "No" answer is, "Do…
Relationship Problems
A co-worker asked if I knew what to do about a computer problem that was preventing her from getting e-mail. After calling the help desk, I told my colleague that…
Rooting for the Right Team
Blood may be thicker than water, but baseball beats them both. I learned this after explaining to my two boys that they were half-Lithuanian on their father’s side, and half-Yankee,…
Rubbed the Wrong Way
I was halfway through a meeting with a photocopy salesman, when he suddenly mentioned his wife and children, and how contented he was. I was puzzled, but let him continue….
Scared Situation
I hate the idea of going under the knife. So I was very upset when the doctor told me I needed a tonsillectomy. Later, the nurse and I were filling…
Sedated
I am an oral surgeon, and once I was scheduled to extract four wisdom teeth from Jim, a high-school football player, who had opted to be sedated for the procedure….
Sick Day
My son, age 13, was sick in bed with bronchitis, and although he showed some general improvement, his harsh cough persisted and could be heard all over the house. Worried,…
Small Print, Big Problems
During the mortgage closing on our summer house, my wife and I were asked to sign documents containing small print. When I asked if I should read it, my attorney…
Speech Impediment
Bad weather meant I was stuck overnight at O’Hare airport in Chicago. Along with hotel accommodations, the airline issued each passenger a $10 meal ticket, or “chit.” That evening after…
Stale Cup
Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station mini-marts to get myself a fresh brewed cup of coffee. When I picked up the pot, I could…
The Higher the Better
Sign above the scale in a Mission Hills, Calif., doctor’s office:
"Pretend it’s your I.Q."
The Other Woman
Doctors are used to getting calls at any hour. One night a man phoned, waking me up. "I’m sorry to bother you so late," he said, "but I think my…