Jokes

Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.

Switching Spots

Throughout her pregnancy, my sister Joanne insisted that she wanted no medication during labor. When the big day came, though, she wondered if she had made the right decision. Knowing...

Switching Views

While walking through a Dallas airport, my dentist ran into a group of folks from his hometown. Among them was one of his patients. When he said hello, she gave...

Talking Bird

My father’s secretary was visibly distraught one morning when she arrived at the office and explained that her children’s parrot had escaped from his cage and flown out an open...

Tapping Communication

During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant "Give...

Test Case

I was waiting in the office of our lone, overworked doctor when a local repairman, father of seven children, dashed in looking worried and distraught. To the nurse he explained,...

The Missing Shoe

One evening my husband’s golfing buddy drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided...

The Right Marriage

My wife and I were comparing notes the other day. "I have a higher IQ, did better on my SATs and make more money than you," she pointed out. "Yeah,...

Thinking Workouts

There is a woman at my health club who always begins her workout with sit-ups and leg-lifts. One afternoon she entered the exercise room and, as usual, lay down on...

Third Times a Charm

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband demurred, saying two would be...

Throwing Your Money Away

Neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio they wanted for their backyard. The wife had rather grand ideas, while the husband wanted costs kept to a minimum....

Til' Death Do Us Part

Soon after we were married, my husband, Paul, stopped wearing his wedding band. "Why don’t you ever wear your ring?" I asked. "It cuts off my circulation," Paul replied. "I...

Time Confusion

My wife, Dolores, never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock. One day she called the orderly room and asked to speak with me. The person who answered...

Tough Dentist

A Navy dentist’s license plate:

“TOP GUM.”

Traveling Answering Machine

In good weather, my friend Mark always let his yellow-naped Amazon parrot, Nicky, sit on the balcony of his tenth-floor apartment. One morning, Nicky flew away, much to Mark’s dismay....

Traveling Birds

In the Moreno Valley (Calif.) Recycler:

"Homing pigeons free to good home. Must live far, far away."

 

 

True Colors

As I was stepping into the shower after an afternoon of yard work, my wife walked into the bathroom. "What do you think the neighbors would say if I cut...

Unable to Drink

A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, “Sorry, buddy. I can’t serve you.” “Why not?” the snake asks. “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”      ...

Unattractive

We brought our newborn son, Adam, to the pediatrician for his first checkup. As he finished, the doctor told us, "You have a cute baby." Smiling, I said, "I bet...

Unattractive Undergarments

When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on the list was "comfortable underwear." Worried...

Unconscious

Standing on the sidelines, during a game being played by my school’s football team, I saw one of the players take a hard hit. He tumbled to the ground and...

Under the Knife

My sister and I were out on the town one night when we ran into a man I knew. "You’re sisters?" he asked incredulously. "You look nothing alike. Pointing to...

Unnamed

When I was on duty in the maternity ward, one of my patients was a woman who was having her first child. Because of her medical situation, she had to...

Unprofessional

A friend living in an isolated Montana mining town suspected that she wasn’t getting the best dental care. Her first trip to a competent dentist in Butte confirmed her suspicions....

Unskilled Sailor

While waiting for a flight, I glanced over at a nearby couple. He was reading the United States Sailing Association’s book, Basic Cruising. She was reading Adrift: 76 Days Lost...

Unused Equipment

Hoping to lose some weight, my wife told me she wanted to get an exercise bicycle. I reminded her that she had a very nice and rather expensive bike in...

Video Game Lessons

While attending a laser seminar for obstetric and gynecologic surgeons, I found a booth where the doctors were encouraged to practice their laser skills on animal tissues. One young intern...

Waiting Room Call

When an increased patient load began to overwhelm our hospital’s emergency room, we initiated a triage system to ensure that the most critical people were treated first. However, some of...

War on Fat

I called a video shop to order the war movie Battle of the Bulge.

"Hold on," said the clerk. "I'll check our aerobics tapes."

 

 

Weighting Around

A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked if I could find him a hotel with exercise facilities. I called several hotels, with no luck. Finally...

What Really Matters

Going over our weekly training schedule one morning at our small Army garrison, we noticed that our annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second time,...

Worry Wart

After ten years of widowhood, I remarried. Leaving work one wintry evening, I told a colleague that it was very gratifying to once again have someone worry about me if...

Wrong Bar

My diminutive aunt Flora, just four feet, nine inches tall, accepted an offer to visit a health club for a free session. After being greeted heartily, she was shown where...

Wrong Cure

The commercial for Viagra with the middle-aged men running happily through the streets to the song "We Are the Champions" came on while my husband and ten-year-old son were watching...

Wrong Customer

A fellow walked into a drugstore and headed to the back to speak with the pharmacist. "Do you have anything for hiccups?" he asked. Without warning, the pharmacist reached over...

Wrong Snake

When a rattlesnake got loose in the second-floor hall of the science building at my university, it created quite a furor. Fortunately, one of the professors was an expert on...

You Are What You Are

During basic training, our drill sergeant asked for a show of hands of all Jewish personnel. Six of us tentatively raised our hands. Much to our relief, we were given...

Yummy Giveaway

I was in a department store when I heard on the public-address system that the optical department was offering free ice cream. I headed down the escalator to take advantage...

A Lot of Work for Nothing

My wife asked me to help one of our neighbors, a young mother whose sailor husband was at sea. Her car had to have something called a freeze plug replaced—a...

A Mouthful

During our church service one Sunday, a parishioner was speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she told the congregation, "I apologize...

Age Difference

Rock concerts are a little different now than when I was younger. Recently, I went to a concert with some friends. As the band started to play a ballad, we...

Age Tells All

Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed the bag boy eyeing my two adopted children. They often draw scrutiny, since my son’s a blond Russian, while my daughter has...

Aging

I was having trouble with the idea of turning thirty and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I...

Aging Recovery

I was hospitalized with an awful sinus infection that caused the entire left side of my face to swell. On the third day, the nurse led me to believe that...

Airplane Confusion

My flight was delayed in Houston. Since the gate was needed for another flight, our aircraft was backed away from the terminal, and we were directed to a new gate....

Backfire

Turning 50 two years ago, I took a lot of good-natured ribbing from family and friends. So as my wife’s 50th birthday approached, I decided to get in some needling...

Bad Driver

I was getting into my car when I noticed a dent. On the windshield was a note and a phone number from the driver. “I feel terrible,” the woman apologized...

Bar School

The board of education in a nearby town sold off a building that had been a one-room schoolhouse. The buyer converted it to a tavern. One day an elderly man...

Batter Up

I played for a semipro baseball team. At every game we sold raffle tickets. Half the money paid the team’s expenses and the other half went to the winning ticket...

Benchwarmer

It was the first day of basketball practice at Wingate high school in Brooklyn, N.Y. Coach Jack Kaminer handed a ball to each player. "Fellas," he said, "I want you...

Big Mouth

New to the United States, I was eager to meet people. So one day I struck up a conversation with the only other woman in the gym. Pointing to two...

Big Problem

The first time I met my wife, she was an intense aerobics instructor at my health club and I was an out-of-shape new member. After one grueling workout, I gasped,...

Birthday Present

I was turning 40 and decided to celebrate by fulfilling my longtime dream to go sky-diving. Before the jump, my mother and I spent the day at a festival, where...

Bringing Back the Old Days

Heading off to college at the age of 40, I was a bit self-conscious about my advancing years. One morning I complained to my husband that I was the oldest...

Case Study

I was having a drink at a local restaurant with my friend Justin when he spotted an attractive woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering his courage,...

Coffee Talk

At a coffee bar in Lansing, Mich., a sign on the staff's tip container said

"Thanks a Latte."

Crazy Fish Seller

After I asked for a half-pound trout fillet at my supermarket’s seafood counter, the clerk picked one out of a pile and set it on the scale. It weighed precisely...

Crumpled Up

I had been thinking about coloring my hair. One day while going through a magazine, I came across an ad for a hair-coloring product featuring a beautiful young model with...

Dark Shadow

My mother, a meticulous housekeeper, often lectured my father about tracking dirt into the house. One day he came in to find her furiously scrubbing away at a spot on...

Decoding Not Necessary

Over the years, my husband and I have usually managed to decode the cute but confusing gender signs they sometimes put on restroom doors in restaurants (Buoys & Gulls, Laddies...

Denied

My wife received a credit-card application in the mail that she had not requested. She didn’t want it, but I did. So I crossed off my wife’s name on the...

Diet Flaws

My three sisters and I have weight problems and are always sharing diet tips. One day my oldest sister was showing us a low-fat cookbook and pointed out a chicken...

Embarassing Surprise

One evening my former boss was getting out of the shower when his wife called, asking him to turn off an iron she had mistakenly left on in the basement...

Emotionally Painful

My husband was bending over to tie my three-year-old’s shoes. That’s when I noticed my son, Ben, staring at my husband’s head. He gently touched the slightly thinning spot of...

Excuse to Shop

One day I noticed that my sister wasn’t wearing a watch. When I asked her about it, she replied, "I don’t need a watch. At home there’s a clock in...

Expensive Love

My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of financial difficulties. So one evening I was touched to see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized our...

Expensive Present

My husband is a big Atlanta Braves fan. When I saw an ad on television for a baseball autographed by one of his favorite players that cost $42, I rushed...

Eyeglass Tips

Jim, my 40-something husband, was playing basketball with friends his age. "Pretty soon," said one of his teammates, "we’ll have to count it as a basket if the ball just...

Facts of Life

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he’d be around for his 104th. "I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people...

Family Confusion

When I arrived at school for my daughter’s parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn’t always pay attention...

Fast Food Relative

For years I had been telling my friend Pete that he ate too much fast food, but he always denied it. One day he admitted I was right. "What changed...

Fat Chance

Having fought the battle of the bulge most of my life, I found the battle getting even harder as I approached middle age. One evening, after trying on slacks that...

Fat Plate

To celebrate his 40th birthday, my boss, who is battling middle-age spread, bought a new convertible sports car. As a finishing touch, he put on a vanity plate with the...

Dad's Pride and Joy

The family was viewing old slides and one flashed on the screen that caught everyone’s attention. My father, wearing his favorite golf shirt, was holding me at the tender age...