Jokes

Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.

Final Minutes

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we’re both...

Fire Starter

For a late snack, my sisters and I stopped at a diner. Walking in, we smelled cooking gas. When the waitress came to seat us, we urged her to tell...

Flattering Tip

I was with my husband at a baseball game in Boston’s Fenway Park when I decided to go get myself a hot dog. As I stood up my husband asked...

Football Talk

My husband, a big-time sports fan, was watching a football game with our grandchildren. He had just turned 75 and was feeling a little wistful. "You know," he said to...

Forgetful

My grandfather has a knack for looking on the bright side of life. Even after receiving the terrible diagnosis that he had Alzheimer’s, he was philosophical. "There’s one good thing...

Four Eyes

Fans of ’60s music, my 14-year-old daughter and her best friend got front-row tickets to a Peter, Paul and Mary concert. When they returned home, my daughter said, "During the...

Fun in the Sun

On a recent vacation at a resort with my in-laws, we planned to spend an afternoon at the pool with our kids. We wanted to bring our own drinks, but...

Getting Older

I had just had my 50th birthday and found the decade marker traumatic. When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, a matter-of-fact woman typed out the information, tested...

Getting the Blues

My sister went shopping for blue jeans with her husband, Steve. She chose a few pairs to try on and went into the fitting room, while Steve waited outside. A...

Giving In

While in the checkout line at my local hardware store I overheard one man say to another, "My wife has been after me to paint our shed. But I let...

Going Unnoticed

Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see they were of a younger, slimmer me taken...

Going up in Age

Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk’s office that she was exempt because of...

Great Findings

My husband decided life would be easier if he wired a new light switch in the master bedroom to save us from fumbling in the dark for the lamp. He...

Hairy Situation

I was in line at a restaurant. In front of me was a mother with her college-age son and his girlfriend. It was the middle of the dinner rush, and...

Hard Worker

Pregnant with my third child, I was stricken with a bout of morning sickness and lay down on the living-room couch to rest. Just then one of the workmen who...

Held Hostage

My mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect. My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger’s...

Homebody

While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table and we started talking. He asked where my kids go to school. I told him...

Honesty is the Best Policy

One day my wife and I came home to find a message from a friend of hers on our phone machine. She said she had applied for a job and...

Imaginary Friend

I am a first-grade teacher and a new empty nester. One night I was trying out an art project: making a person with simple materials. I took a coat hanger,...

Impossible Questions

Preparing my son for his first day of kindergarten, we were reviewing numbers and counting. Suddenly he asked, "What is the biggest number in the world?" As briefly as possible,...

Jumper

Now that I’m over 40, younger teammates have begun to tease me about my declining abilities as a softball player. During one game, I was playing third base when a...

Just Like Family

The plane was only half-full. When an attractive young woman asked if the seat next to mine was free, my male ego soared. Soon we were chatting pleasantly, and she...

Keeping Up

Our dear friend Trudy attended my husband’s birthday party. Though she’s been through a lot—including a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery—Trudy was the life of the party as usual. Hugging...

Like Mother Like Daughter

On our way to my parents’ house for dinner one evening, I glanced over at my 15-year-old daughter. "Isn’t that skirt a bit short?" I asked. She rolled her eyes...

Local Traveler

For my grandmother’s 80th birthday, we had a huge family celebration and even managed to get a photo announcement printed in the local paper. "That was a nice shot," I...

Looking Into the Future

My 20th high-school class reunion was held at a hotel on the same night that another school’s tenth-year reunion was taking place. While my friends and I were in the...

Losing Things

I sold an item through eBay but it got lost in the mail. So I stopped by my local post office and asked them to track it down. "It’s not...

Lost and Found

When I walked up to the ATM at my bank, I noticed someone had left his card in the slot. Since it was a Friday evening, I thought the Good...

Loud and Clear

While on the freeway in Los Angeles, I was behind a pack of cars. The last driver was on the phone and drifting all over the road. This did not...

Loud and Clear

My sister Susan and her husband, Frank, were entertaining for the first time since the birth of their baby. Everything ran smoothly until one of Frank’s buddies arrived with his...

Loud Noises

My brother and his wife started their family in their early 40s. One day my sister-in-law and I were commiserating about the effects of time marching on. "I just got...

Loud Ticking

I was having lunch with several thirty-something friends when talk turned to the dismal prospect of our growing older. "Well, judging by my mother," I said, "at least my hearing...

Matched Up

When my younger brother and his wife celebrated their first anniversary, they invited the rest of the family to join them for dinner. The conversation focused on the newlyweds and...

Matchmaker

A student in my math course at Ohlone State College in Fremont, Calif., developed a severe case of tendinitis. Since she couldn’t write, she brought a video camera to tape...

Misfortune

Approaching 40, my frugal husband yearned for a boat. Frugality won out until the day he came across the obituary of an old high-school classmate, Ted. Certain this was a...

Missing Number

While away on business, a colleague and I decided to catch a movie. As we approached the theater, we read the marquee. It bore the name of the feature film...

Moving Forward

The summer after college graduation, I was living at home, fishing in the daytime, spending nights with my friends—generally just hanging out. One afternoon my grandfather, who never went to...

Nervous for Different Reasons

When I moved to California, I was a nervous wreck about earthquakes. My friend Linda, who was born and raised there, was completely blasé. I remember once when we pulled...

Never Going Away

Back at my high school for the tenth reunion, I met my old coach. Walking through the gym, we came upon a plaque on which I was still listed as...

New Technology

As an assistant high-school track coach, I recorded the results of each home meet and made copies for all the coaches. But because our track shed did not have electricity,...

No Going Back

My wife-to-be and I were at the county clerk’s office for our marriage license. After recording the vital information—names, dates of birth, etc.— the clerk handed me our license and...

No Labor Required

When my friend got a job, her husband agreed to share the housework. He was stunned by the amount of effort involved in keeping a house clean with small boys...

Noticing Changes

My husband and I, married 13 years, were dressing for a party. I’d spent all day getting a haircut and permanent, then as we were leaving, we met in the...

Old Timer

At 82 years old, my husband applied for his first passport. He was told he would need a birth certificate, but his birth had never been officially registered. When he...

Old Timer

After working for months to get in shape, my 42-year-old husband and I hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon. At the end of two grueling days, we made...

One Big Mess

After his marriage broke up, my manager became very philosophical. "I guess it was in our stars," he sighed. "What do you mean?" I asked. "Her astrological sign is the...

One Hundred Times Over

A few years ago, I opened the invitation to my cousin’s 100th birthday party. On the front—in bold letters—it screamed, "If he’s heard it once, he’s heard it a hundred...

One Icy Trip

One October my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington’s Olympic Peninsula. We were eager to visit the rain forests near the coast, but we heard that snowslides had...

One Year Away

When a woman I know turned 99 years old, I went to her birthday party and took some photos. A few days later, I brought the whole batch of prints...

Ordering In

My husband and I both work, so our family eats out a lot. Recently, when we were having a rare home-cooked meal, I handed a glass to my three-year-old and...

Out of Tune

While driving on the highway, my daughter noticed a child in the window of a car in the next lane, holding up a handwritten sign that read "Help." A few...

Overly Cautious

No one is more cautious than a first-time parent. After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I bought a special carrier with a...

Painful Love

Both my fiancé and I are in our 40s. I thought it was both amusing and touching when he assumed the classic position to propose to me—down on one bended...

Parking Accident

While walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat on my face. As I was lying there, a woman stopped and called out, "Are you hurt?" "No. I’m...

Party Animal

I was having some chest pains, but my cardiologist assured me nothing was wrong. Then I told him I was planning a cruise to Alaska and asked if he had...

Pizza Order

Sometime around two in the morning our phone rang, waking us out of a sound sleep. "Wrong number," my husband growled and slammed down the receiver. A few minutes later...

Restaurant Directions

Although I am of Chinese descent, I never really learned to speak Chinese. One evening, I came home boasting about a wonderful meal I’d had in Chinatown. Unfortunately, I couldn’t...

Rolling Around

My husband, who is an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read: “Check for clunking noise when going around corners.” Taking the car out for a test drive, he...

Rough Times

When a woman in my office became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. "The first ten years are the hardest," she said. "How long have you been married?" I...

Running Out of Time

One of the English classes I taught at Deltona high school in Florida consisted of a particularly well-motivated group of juniors. Students felt free to ask questions on any subject...

School Supplies

After registering for his high school classes, my son burst into the house, filled with excitement. "Dad," he announced in one breath, "I got all the classes I wanted. But...

Seeing Problems

When I was in the sixth grade, I lost the sight in my right eye during a playground mishap. Fortunately, the accident had little effect on my life. When I...

Sharp Eyes

As a salesman, I was searching for a certain company in unfamiliar territory. I came to a likely-looking road marked with a small red sign reading: Industrial Center. I was...

Sharp Thinker

On my birthday I got a really funny card from a friend. It joked about how our bodies might be getting older, but our minds were still "tarp as shacks."...

Shoe Hanger

My very pregnant sister-in-law had just returned from another disappointingly uneventful trip to the hospital when she went into true labor. With no time to make it back to the...

Sick Habit

A couple of hours into a visit with my mother she noticed I hadn’t lit up a cigarette once. “Are you trying to kick the habit?” “No,” I replied, “I’ve...

Silent Treatment

After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days. Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his...

Smart in Some Areas

Toward the end of the school year, the sixth-grade teachers decide which of their students should be accelerated in certain subjects in the seventh grade. When a child is chosen,...

Smelly Situation

I called my local utility for help with a minor malfunction in my outdoor gas grill. Their automated phone system put me on hold for over 20 minutes. As I...

Smokey Dinner Call

My cooking has always been the target of family jokes. One evening, as I prepared dinner a bit too quickly, the kitchen filled with smoke and the smoke detector went...

Steered in the Wrong Direction

When the skipper of an Icelandic trawler accidentally rammed Englishman Jim Hughes’s yacht, he caused $30,000 worth of damage. Exactly a year and a day before, reported the London Times,...

Stock Talk

I realized that the ups and downs of the stock market had become too big a part of our life one night as my husband and I prepared for bed....

Surprising Birthday Present

After the birth of my son, a woman from the records department stopped by my hospital room to get information for his birth certificate. "Father’s date of birth?" she asked....