Jokes

Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.

One Big Thanks

A friend of mine has an adopted son who, at six-foot-one, loves to play basketball. The boy was applying to basketball camp, and a section of the application called for...

One Hot Description

On duty as a customer-service representative for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he...

One Sick Customer

I’m an attendant in a Laundromat. A woman came in, sat near my counter and chain-smoked cigarette after cigarette. The smoke was bothering me, so I turned on a fan....

One Stinky Promise

On the back of a septic-service company truck: "Satisfaction guaranteed, or your merchandise cheerfully refunded."

Other Emergency

Our family took shelter in the basement after hearing a tornado warning. My husband told everyone to stay put while he got his cell phone out of the car, in...

Painful Situation

I thought I wanted a tattoo, so I had a friend come with me to the tattoo parlor. As I nervously paused outside the door, I noticed the T had...

Parental Duties

On a demographics survey given at our high school, students were asked, "What disadvantages do you see in having children?" Usual answers included "It’s expensive to raise kids" and "They...

Personal Problems

After being on the phone forever with a customer who had been having difficulties with a computer program, a support technician at my mother’s company turned in his report: "The...

Planning Ahead

The day before my graduation from Soldan High School in St. Louis, the principal called an assembly. He wanted to say farewell informally, he explained, as he reviewed our years...

Plow Driver

I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had little experience flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The...

Problems on Both Ends

My nephew, a flight attendant, split the back of his pants one day during a flight. To save embarrassment, he decided to work in front of the beverage cart, facing...

Protection

Each new patient at the clinic where I work must fill out a questionnaire asking basic health and personal-history questions. One query that inevitably gets a "No" answer is, "Do...

Relationship Problems

A co-worker asked if I knew what to do about a computer problem that was preventing her from getting e-mail. After calling the help desk, I told my colleague that...

Rooting for the Right Team

Blood may be thicker than water, but baseball beats them both. I learned this after explaining to my two boys that they were half-Lithuanian on their father’s side, and half-Yankee,...

Rubbed the Wrong Way

I was halfway through a meeting with a photocopy salesman, when he suddenly mentioned his wife and children, and how contented he was. I was puzzled, but let him continue....

Scared Situation

I hate the idea of going under the knife. So I was very upset when the doctor told me I needed a tonsillectomy. Later, the nurse and I were filling...

Sedated

I am an oral surgeon, and once I was scheduled to extract four wisdom teeth from Jim, a high-school football player, who had opted to be sedated for the procedure....

Sick Day

My son, age 13, was sick in bed with bronchitis, and although he showed some general improvement, his harsh cough persisted and could be heard all over the house. Worried,...

Small Print, Big Problems

During the mortgage closing on our summer house, my wife and I were asked to sign documents containing small print. When I asked if I should read it, my attorney...

Speech Impediment

Bad weather meant I was stuck overnight at O’Hare airport in Chicago. Along with hotel accommodations, the airline issued each passenger a $10 meal ticket, or “chit.” That evening after...

Stale Cup

Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station mini-marts to get myself a fresh brewed cup of coffee. When I picked up the pot, I could...

The Higher the Better

Sign above the scale in a Mission Hills, Calif., doctor's office:

"Pretend it's your I.Q."

The Other Woman

Doctors are used to getting calls at any hour. One night a man phoned, waking me up. "I’m sorry to bother you so late," he said, "but I think my...

The Retriever

I’m a police officer and occasionally park my cruiser in residential areas to watch for speeders. One Sunday morning I was staked out in a driveway, when I saw a...

Trouble Focusing

Nothing seems to dim my 13-year-old son’s sense of humor. And he’s certainly not above being the butt of his own joke. Shortly after he was diagnosed with attention deficit...

Ugly Remark

Rushing to get to the movies, my husband and I told the kids we had to leave "right now"—at which point our teenage daughter headed for the bathroom to apply...

Unappetizing

My wife and I run a small restaurant where we often name our specials after our employees—dishes like “Chicken Mickey,” after our dishwasher who gave us the recipe, and “Rod’s...

Uninvited Announcement

Each year our company holds a training session in the conference room of the same hotel. When we were told we would not be able to reserve our usual location,...

Unwanted Transportation

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor’s office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist’s desk,...

Useful Ailment

One of my friends, a musician, is always upbeat. Nothing gets her down. But when she developed ringing in one ear, I was concerned it might overwhelm even her. When...

Vast Entertainment

I was reading to my wife a newspaper report of the speech in which FCC chairman Newton N. Minow called television "a vast wasteland." If you watch your TV set...

Virtual Perspective

I overheard my nine-year-old son on the phone with a friend discussing a computer simulation game. The game involved creating a family, a house for them to live in, and...

Weighed Down

During a business trip to Boeing’s Everett, Wash., factory, I noticed several 747 and 777 airliners being assembled. Before the engines were installed, huge weights were hung from the wings...

Wrong Patient

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a...

A Technical Answer

A helicopter was flying toward Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s navigation and communications equipment. Due to the extreme haze that day, the pilot now had...

Angry Customers

The speaker at my bank’s drive-through window had been broken for weeks, and we tellers had to resort to miming or writing notes to communicate with our frustrated customers. One...

Tailgating Tattletale

My wife and I get along just great—except she’s a back-seat driver second to none. On my way home from work one day, my cell phone rang as I merged...

Complex Explanation

I feel inadequate when talking with a mechanic, so when my vehicle started making a strange noise, I sought help from a friend. He drove the car around the block,...

Computer Language

My husband, a computer-systems trouble-shooter, rode with me in my new car one afternoon. He had been working on a customer’s computer all morning and was still tense from the...

In Total Control

My family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on our cars. We were used to hearing my father proclaim, "Take it, Max," as he flipped on the cruise...

Missing Parts

The auto auction I attended was selling cars to benefit charity. Vehicles were classified as either "Running" or "No Start." On the block was a No Starter. It had a...

No Cleaning Required

Opening the box containing my new portable television, I removed the remote and turned it over to install the batteries. Molded into the device was this message: "Made in Indonesia—Not...

Tough Question

My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular "Ask Jeeves" site, and we...

Not so Private

Security and peace of mind were part of the reason we moved to a gated community. Both flew out the window the night I called a local pizza shop for...

Personal Tracking Device

After shopping at a busy store, another woman and I happened to leave at the same time, only to be faced with the daunting task of finding our cars in...

Running Out of Fuel

My friend is notorious for waiting until the needle is on empty before filling his gas tank. Finally his car died on him, and we had to push it to...

Similar Training

As an engineer in an upscale hotel, I was asked to repair or replace the television in a guest room. When I arrived, the couple was watching a picture one-third...

Smarter Generation

The computer in my high school classroom recently started acting up. After watching me struggle with it, one of my students took over. "Your hard drive crashed," he said. I...

Snapshot

I realized the impact of computers on my young son one evening when there was a dramatic sunset. Pointing to the western sky, David said, "I wish we could click...

Sounding Off

I was with a friend in a café when a noisy car alarm interrupted our conversation. "What good are car alarms when no one pays any attention to them?" I...

Sour Situation

I recently bought a new car that had a faulty light. When, after five visits to the dealer’s shop, they were unable to fix it, I tried to get it...

Unable to See

My husband works for a high-tech company that uses a sophisticated robotic mail-delivery system. The robot makes mail stops by following a clear painted line on the hallway floor. Recently...

Unfinished Repairs

My sister Darlene has the courage—but not always the skills—to tackle any home-repair project. For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawn mower she once tried to fix....

Too Much Information

 My wife was in her gynecologist’s busy waiting room when a cell phone rang. A woman answered it, and for the next few minutes, she explained to her caller in...

Win-Win

I couldn’t decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. “Airfare to Denver is $300,” the cheery salesperson...

Misplaced

A pastor I know of uses a standard liturgy for funerals. To personalize each service, he enters a “find and replace” command into his word processor. The computer then finds...

On a Safari

Some New Yorkers were on a safari in the jungles of a little-explored faraway country when they were captured by cannibals. "Oh, yes!" the chief of the tribe exclaimed. "We’re...

Job Interview

During a job interview, a client of my employment-search company voiced his concern about work-life balance. "Spending time with my family is very important to me, and I’m just wondering...

Health Food Junkies

Because he’s a chemist and I’m a personal trainer, my fiancé and I don’t always agree about what eating healthy means. I prefer foods with less fat and fewer calories....

Parachute Problems

The topic of the day at Army Airborne School was what you should do if your parachute malfunctions. We had just gotten to the part about reserve parachutes when another...

So Long, Snail Mail

After my wife landed a coveted job offer from DHL, we went out of town to celebrate. While on our trip, she was contacted by the company’s human resources department...

Pretty Pennies

Q: Who invented copper wire?
A: Two tax attorneys fighting over a penny.

Quick Clean-up

Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. Later, when...

Tough Luck

"I feel sorry for this soldier," joked my husband as he handed me a flier he’d found in our mailbox. It read: Lost CatBlack and whiteAnswers to NateBelongs to a...

Hot Off the Press

As I stripped off my sweatshirt at the breakfast table one warm morning, my T-shirt started to come off too. My husband let out a low whistle. I took it...

Farm and Family

A man and his wife were taking an afternoon drive through the countryside. They had just had a big argument and were not talking to one another. Finally the husband...

Flawed Flattery

Teeing off on the 12th hole at a golf resort, we stopped to buy cold drinks from the young woman driving the beverage cart. As my buddy reached for his...

1-800-WasteMyTime

The Windows Global Support Center cannot reach everyone.

Sleepless in Suburbia

Different rules apply between the hours of 2 and 4 a.m., I find. Things that would ordinarily not even qualify as mildly amusing will often, at 3 a.m., strike the ear as high comedy.

Sit Back and Relax

There is a special room in hell where the flames are extra hot and you must sleep sitting straight up. The sign on the door says: Reserved for People Who Reclined Their Seatbacks the Entire Flight.

Home Sickness

More than once I have had my brain paralyzed by what psychiatrists call Old House Delusion Disease (OHDD). My wife and I bought an old house that had every known old-house problem, including termites, not to mention a grand total of one closet, and an entire room that had no electrical outlets -- a clear indication that the house was not built by or for people with a need for, say, lighting.

Macho, Macho Man

Humor columnist Andy Simmons tries to get reacquainted with his macho side.

Itching for a Fight

Humor columnist Andy Simmons attacks poison ivy.