A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where is the bar tender?”
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
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All these sea monster jokes are just Kraken me up.
What does C.S. Lewis keep at the back of his wardrobe? Narnia business!
Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.
I put all my spare cash into an origami business. It folded.
What is Forrest Gump’s email password? 1Forrest1
Q: What’s the worst part about movie theater candy prices?
A: They’re always raisinet.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
I suffer from kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.
Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands.
Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers? He’d stop at nothing to avoid them.
What did the librarian say when the books were in a mess? We ought to be ashamed of ourshelves!
Who was Socrates’ worst student? Mediocrities. Who was his busiest student? The one with a lot on his Plato
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing.
When she saw her first strands of gray, she thought she’d dye.
Q: Did you hear the one about the greedy peanut butter?
A: I’m not telling you. You might spread it.
Q: Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm?
A: Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
A: Nacho cheese!
Q: Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the poker table?
A: Because he was on a roll.
Q: Why do hamburgers go to the gym?
A: To get better buns.
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
Someone sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.
Did you hear about the boy who tried to catch fog? He mist.
What did the beach say as the tide came in?
Long time, no sea.
“How is your long distance relationship going?” – “So far, so good.”
Q: Why did the apricot ask a prune to dinner?
A: Because he couldn’t find a date.
So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn’t find a manual.
The thing I don’t like about shopping centers…
When you see one, you’ve seen a mall.
Q: How do you get a hipster to eat a hot dog?
A: Put it in a man bun.
Why did the girl quit her job at the donut factory? – She was fed up with the hole business.
Why did the gym close down? – It just didn’t work out.
Q. How much room should you give fungi to grow?
A. As mushroom as possible.
My ceiling isn’t the best… But it’s up there!!!
How do trees get online? – They just log in.
Why did the tomato blush? – Because it saw the salad dressing.
I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.
Q: Why do French people eat snails?
A: Because they won’t touch fast food.
All these sea monster jokes are just Kraken me up.
I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. – What a waste of thyme.
Q: What do you do when life gives you melons?
A: See a doctor, because you’re probably dyslexic.
Did you hear the news about that Chinese restaurant that got vandalized? It was an act of wonton destruction.
6:30 is the best time on a clock… hands down.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. – I lost my case.
Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? – It was a grave mistake.
Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.
Q: What do you call a dishonest noodle?
A: An Impasta.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Why did the Zen master refuse novocaine when he had his tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Sticks float. They would.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank — proving once and for all that you can’t have your…
In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could eat anything they wanted during the lunch hour. Anything, that is except the smoked salmon. Thus were created the world’s…
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
I work in a paper factory, where my responsibilities are twofold.
Last week I called someone a watering hole but I meant well.
Choosing a movie? Don’t trust these extremely abbreviated plot explanations. • The Shining: A family’s first Airbnb experience goes very wrong. @janmpdx • The Lord of the Rings: Group spends…
Police in Tampa, Florida, raided and shut down a weekly $4-a-round mah-jongg game played by four elderly women. The Week asked its readers for titles of crime movies that could…
Q: What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Submitted by Valerie Lunt, Mesa, Arizona
A few months ago, Hamas “arrested” a dolphin for being an Israeli spy. Readers of Reason magazine came up with titles for the film this action might inspire: • Orcapussy…
Here are real—and very literate—names of Roller Derby players:
• Grimm Scarytales
• Pain Eyre
• Pippi Longstompings
My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the…
After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.” “But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer….
“Pickup artists” and “garbagemen” should switch names.
@ceejoyner (Chris Joyner)
We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.