Puns

Raise eyebrows with these clever puns.

Read up on our best puns ever including our word puns and you’ll be punstoppable. (Sorry.)

A Laughing Motorcycle

What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha.

Toucans

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

Soda to the Head

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

Brain Transplant

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Mistake on the Calendar

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

Tender Wood

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Where is the bar tender?"

Burial Plot

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

Bicycle and Tricycle

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.

Spaghetti Bike

I told my mom I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti, you should have seen her face when I rode straight pasta.

The Chronicles of Narnia

What does C.S. Lewis keep at the back of his wardrobe? Narnia business!

Pun Well Done

Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.

Origami Fail

I put all my spare cash into an origami business. It folded.

Run Forrest

What is Forrest Gump's email password? 1Forrest1

You Can’t Afford This Pun

Q: What’s the worst part about movie theater candy prices? A: They're always raisinet.

Can Crusher

Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.

Kleptomania

I suffer from kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.

Peter Pan

Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands.

Scared Mathematician

Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers? He'd stop at nothing to avoid them.

A Messy Library

What did the librarian say when the books were in a mess? We ought to be ashamed of ourshelves!

Socrates’ Students

Who was Socrates’ worst student? Mediocrities. Who was his busiest student? The one with a lot on his Plato

Nap Time is Serious Business

Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

There’s an Old Saying…

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Acupuncture Treatment

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

So That’s Why They’re Red…

Q: Why did the tomato blush? A: Because it saw the salad dressing.

Hair Dye

When she saw her first strands of gray, she thought she’d dye.

You Butter Be Quiet

Q: Did you hear the one about the greedy peanut butter? A: I'm not telling you. You might spread it.

Never Trust a Veggie

Q: Why shouldn't you tell a secret on a farm? A: Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.

This Plate is Hot

Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? A: Nacho cheese!

Park Your Buns

Q: Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the poker table? A: Because he was on a roll.

Straight to the Glutes

Q: Why do hamburgers go to the gym? A: To get better buns.

What’s the Quesa-deally-yo?

I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.

Ten Different Puns

Someone sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Antenna Love

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Dancing Too Hard

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

The Boy Who Tried to Catch Fog

Did you hear about the boy who tried to catch fog? He mist.

When the Tide Comes In

What did the beach say as the tide came in? Long time, no sea.

Long Distance Love

“How is your long distance relationship going?” – “So far, so good.”

Sweet Romance

Q: Why did the apricot ask a prune to dinner? A: Because he couldn't find a date.

Armageddon

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world

Can You MOOOoove?

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow? A: Spoiled milk.

Driving Stick

I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn’t find a manual.

Shopping Centers Are All So Similar

The thing I don’t like about shopping centers… When you see one, you’ve seen a mall.

The Hip Way To Eat

Q: How do you get a hipster to eat a hot dog? A: Put it in a man bun.

Donut Factory

Why did the girl quit her job at the donut factory? – She was fed up with the hole business.

Why Did the Gym Close?

Why did the gym close down? – It just didn’t work out.

“Come on, I’m a Fungi.”

Q. How much room should you give fungi to grow? A. As mushroom as possible.

I Have an Okay Ceiling

My ceiling isn’t the best… But it’s up there!!!

Trees on the Internet

How do trees get online? – They just log in.

Embarrassed Tomato

Why did the tomato blush? – Because it saw the salad dressing.

I Ate a Watch

I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

Escar-DONT-go

Q: Why do French people eat snails? A: Because they won't touch fast food.

Storytelling Cats

Why are cats bad storytellers? – Because they only have one tale.

Cleaning the Spice Rack

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. – What a waste of thyme.

When Life Gives You Melons…

Q: What do you do when life gives you melons? A: See a doctor, because you’re probably dyslexic.

Chinese Vandalism

Did you hear the news about that Chinese restaurant that got vandalized? It was an act of wonton destruction.

Best Time of the Day

6:30 is the best time on a clock… hands down.

Lost Luggage

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. – I lost my case.

Buried Alive

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? – It was a grave mistake.

Running With the Cars

Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

Spyghetti

Q: What do you call a dishonest noodle? A: An Impasta.

The Death of Boiling Water

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

Zen Master Visits the Dentist

Why did the Zen master refuse novocaine when he had his tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Sticks Float

Sticks float. They would.

Eskimos in a Kayak

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank — proving once and for all that you can’t have your...

You Can Eat Anything, Except the Smoked Salmon

In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could eat anything they wanted during the lunch hour. Anything, that is except the smoked salmon. Thus were created the world’s...

Camouflage Trousers

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

Cannibals and Clowns

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Paper Factory Life

I work in a paper factory, where my responsibilities are twofold.

I Meant Well

Last week I called someone a watering hole but I meant well.

Film Plots, Badly Explained

Choosing a movie? Don’t trust these extremely abbreviated plot explanations. • The Shining: A family’s first Airbnb experience goes very wrong. @janmpdx • The Lord of the Rings: Group spends...

The Case of The Illegal Mah-Jong Game

Police in Tampa, Florida, raided and shut down a weekly $4-a-round mah-jongg game played by four elderly women. The Week asked its readers for titles of crime movies that could...

What Kind Of Exercise Do Lazy People Do?

Q: What kind of exercise do lazy 
people do? A: Diddly-squats. Submitted by Valerie Lunt, Mesa, Arizona

Dolphin Spy Thrillers

A few months ago, Hamas “arrested” a dolphin for being an Israeli spy. Readers of Reason magazine came up with titles for the film this action might inspire: • Orcapussy...