Puns

Q: What did the volcano say to his wife?

A: I lava you

Delta Airlines is infusing its cabins with a lavender-and-chamomile scent called Calm. The Week asked its readers to come up with a better name to match “the ambience of the packed economy cabin.”

“Eau the Humanity” —Serena Meyer

“Giorgio’s Arm-on-me” —Wade Etheredge

“Chanel No. 5 Inches of Legroom” —Austin King 

“Claustrophobique” —Cynthia Pocali

“Mist Connection”    —Cary Berkowitz

“The 99 Per-scent”    —Julia Flagg

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?

Zach Galifianakis

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.

Stewart Francis

Q: Why did the chicken go to the séance?

A: To get to the other side.

My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.”

I looked at my daughter and said, “What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It’s time to grow up.”
My wife hasn’t asked me to do anything since.

@trmiller1326, from reddit.com

We can’t all live on a street with a pleasant name like Oak or Elm. Here are the least popular street names (that we hope don’t exist):

• Drinkand Dr.

• Vicious Circle

• West 943,185th Street

• Psycho Path

• Peoples Ct.

• Nofriggin Way

From humorlabs.com

I work out religiously—Christmas and Easter.

Submitted by comedian Matthew Wohlfarth

• If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?

• What is the sound of no hands texting?

• If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value of the self?

• To see a man’s true face, look to the photos he hasn’t posted.

Brandon Specktor

I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.

Comedian Mitch Hedberg

I. What You Need to Know Now About the Lord Totally Being God

II. At the Beginning He Had Me Confused, but by Minute Two I Knew that I Shouldn’t Have Other Gods

III. Are You Making This Common Mistake with Graven Images?

IV. How I Work: Read This Life Hack from God, Your Only Creator

V. She Admitted to Doing What Every Sunday?

VI. Seven Morning Habits of People Holier than You: #7 No Killing Before Lunch

VII. 37 Things in Your Bedroom That You Need to Get Rid of Right Now, Like Adulteresses

VIII. What the Government Doesn’t Want You to Know About Stealing Your Neighbor’s Servants

IX. This Little Girl Bore False Witness, and the Results Will Shock You

X. Doctors Hate Her, but You Shouldn’t Covet Her

From DAVID TATE, on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, mcsweeneys.net

A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

Do you still rock out to eight-track tapes? Then you’ll dig these band names for aging musicians:

• Counting Crows Feet

• R.E.Member?

• Nine Inch Toenails

• Hair Supply

• Minivan Morrison

• The Early Byrds

• WalkDMC

From Dave Pell of nextdraft.com, on medium.com

The annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest honors purposely lousy opening sentences for nonexistent novels. This entry from finalist Phillip Davies of Cardiff, Wales, gave us a very real laugh:

“Finally, after 97 long days adrift, Captain Pertwee was rescued, mercifully ending his miserable diet of rainwater and strips of sun-dried Haddock—which was actually far ghastlier than it sounded, what with George Haddock being his former first mate.”

The satisfactory.

As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold.

I nodded knowingly. “It’s the early signs of typothermia.”

Phil Noyes, Yakima, Washington

None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get less-on-ya.” I say to the ten-year-old, “Don’t yell through the screen; you’ll strain your voice.” And when I took another grandson to the zoo, I asked, “Do you know why that snake’s not pressed against the glass? He doesn’t want to be a windshield viper.”

They’ll probably laugh later.

Homer Adams, Nashville, Tennessee

Google: “Warning! You may find more than what you’re looking for.”

Apple computers: “Warning! High Smug Advisory.”

Wikipedia: “Warning label does not exist. Would you like to create warning label?”

Match.com: “Contents may just be settling.”

From gcfl.net

Throw him into the mainstream.

Submitted by Jesse Rehn, Green Bay, Wisconsin

The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice willing to work long, hard hours. He instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.”

The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he’s the new village blacksmith.

Unlocking The Truth, a heavy metal band made up of eighth graders, recently signed a $1.7 million contract with Sony. Here are more kid bands we’re bound to see:

• Rage Against the Curfew
• Food Fighters
• Electric Night-Light Orchestra
• Alice in Time-Out
• Math Test Dummies
• Pre-KC and the Sunshine Band
• Onesie Direction

From humorlabs.com

3 Musketeers is a good name for a chocolate bar, but a bad name for an Army division.

Shout is a good name for a stain remover, but a better name for a senior citizen home.

PetSmart is a good name for a pet store, but the best name for a university.

Andy Simmons

A Briton flies into Australia and is asked by the immigration officer, “Do you have any felony convictions?”

The Briton replies, “Sorry. I didn’t realize that was still a requirement.”

A Pennsylvania couple had trouble selling their home after strange apparitions and sounds forced them to admit in their ad that it was “slightly haunted.” The Week asked its readers to put a more positive spin on the sales pitch:

• “A home suited for free spirits”

• “Mostly not haunted”

• “113-year-old Victorian, still cared for by original owners”

• “A place for all your possessions”

• “This house has good bones”

• “Your kids will make new friends”

What do Black Friday shoppers and the Thanksgiving turkey have in common?

They know what it’s like to be stuffed and then jammed into a small place.

I recently stumbled upon my favorite new sports team. It’s a woman’s bowling squad called I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter.
Jacqueline Tessman, Benton Harbor, Michigan

The barbershop was crowded, so the woman at the cash register offered to put my name on the waiting list. “What is it?” she asked.
“Stephen, with a P-H,” I said.

Minutes later, a chair opened up, and my name was called: “Pheven?”

Stephen Hudson, Falmouth, Maine

Famous film quotes get the redneck treatment:

• “You had me at ‘Sooooey!’”
• “Use the horse, Luke.”
• “Are you crying? There’s no crying in NASCAR!”
• “Of all the trailer parks in Pine Cone County, she had to pull her ’68 Rambler into mine.”

From humorlabs.com

A Military lab has developed a pizza that boasts a shelf life of three years without being frozen, and now the Week has asked its readers to name this durable dish. Here’s what they came up with:
•Semper Pie
•The Lasting Supper
•In-dough-structible
•Pizza de Resistance
•DeFrigNo!
•Auld Lang Slice
•Eternal Piece
•Grandpapa John’s Pizza

“Did you fall from heaven? Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location.”

@Normwilner

“I’d tap that.”

@SanaSaeed

“I know exactly where you have been all my life.”

@Adonish_P
From #NSAPickUpLines

plagiarism.

Submitted by M. R.

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The Titanic is syncing.”

Source: textsfromlastnight.com

The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic. But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.

Submitted by Denis Everett, Coronado, California

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson and Francisco Pizarro?

They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

A: Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

Q: Where do geeks go for a good time?

A: A wonky-tonk.

Jack Eastham, Cypress, Texas

Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

A: If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

Q: What’s brown and sticky?

A: A stick.

Q: Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

A: He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

Q: Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?

A: It’s two gross.

Q: Why do mathematicians like parks?

A: Because of all the natural logs.

With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaims again, “Go forth and multiply,” yet the snakes stay put. Perturbed, Noah finally asks them, “Why have you not followed my command?” The snakes flicker their tongues and answer, “We can’t multiply, Noah—we’re Adders.”

Q: What did the volcano say to his wife?

A: I lava you

Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar?

A: An Algorithm

Q: Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?

A: Because you should never drink and derive.

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first says, “I’ll have a beer.”
The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.”
The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.”
Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. “Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limits.”

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.

Q: What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?

A: a receding hare-line.

Did you hear about the vegan devil worshiper?

He sold his soul to seitan.

“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.
“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant,” he answered.
“Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”
“Yes,” said the boy. “It means carrying a child.”

Earl B. Child, Roy, Utah

My husband was cramming all his chores into one day, but each job revealed another problem. For example, while touching up paint on a wall, he discovered gouges in the wood that needed to be filled in. Later, I found him sitting in the living room, staring off into space. Looking up, he announced, “Frustration is when my cope runneth over.”

Barbara Biderson, Huntington Beach, California

Q: How do you get down from an elephant?

A: You don’t. You get down from a goose.

Why should you never breakup with a goalie?

Because he’s a keeper.

Q: Why are frogs so happy?

A: They eat whatever bugs them.

Q: With pointed fangs I sit and wait; with piercing force I crunch out fate; grabbing victims, proclaiming might; physically joining with a single bite. What am I?

A: A stapler

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

—George Carlin

A lion comes across two men, one reading and the other writing. The beast pounces on and devours the reader but ignores the writer. Why? Because, as everyone knows, a writer cramps while a reader digests.

Where are all the Sour Patch parents?

—Comedian Bo Burnham

Did you hear about the new e-reader? Reader’s Digest and Amazon created software that will condense books when you download them. It’s called the Dwindle.

—Kristin Maurer, Evansville, Indiana

Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”

Because every play has a cast.

Q: Why aren’t dogs good dancers?

A: Because they have two left feet!

Q: What kind of coat is always wet when you put it on?

A: A coat of paint.

What did one boat say to the other? “Are you up for a little row-mance?”

Q: Why do cows have bells?

A: Because their horns don’t work.

Q: A juggler, a tightrope walker, and a clown were lost in the jungle, when all of a sudden a lion came out of nowhere and—OWP! ate the juggler and the tightrope walker. Why didn’t the lion eat the clown?

A: Because it thought he would taste funny.

Q: How many seconds are there in one year?

A: 12 of them: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.

Q: Why are football stadiums so cool?

A: Because every seat has a fan in it!

Q: Which is faster, heat or cold?

A: Heat, because you can catch cold!

Q: Why is the number six afraid of seven?

A: Because seven ate nine!