Puns

Raise eyebrows with these clever puns.

Read up on our best puns ever including our word puns and you’ll be punstoppable. (Sorry.)

Roller Derby Teams for Book Nerds

Here are real—and very literate—names of Roller Derby players: • Grimm Scarytales • Pain Eyre • Pippi Longstompings Source: bookriot.com

My Daily Regimen

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the...

The Calculating Sheepdog

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.” “But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer....

Trash of Society

“Pickup artists” and “garbagemen” should switch names. @ceejoyner 
(Chris Joyner)

Paula Poundstone on Over-Sharing

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon. Paula Poundstone

Toto, We’re Not in Cans Anymore…

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? “Curses! Foil again!” Submitted by Paul Stewart, 
Richmond, Utah

New and Improved Names for Boring Everyday Things

• Couch = People Shelf • Books = Manual Films • Bracelets = Clockless Watches • Air Horn = Spray Scream • Bottled Water = Snowman Blood • Feather = Bird Leaf From sliptalk.com

Blessed Are The Red-Necked

“What’s wrong, Bubba?” asked the pastor. “I need you to pray for my hearing,” said Bubba. The pastor put his hands on Bubba’s ears and prayed. When he was done,...

The Worst Page in The Dictionary

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous. @sixthformpoet

The Smell of Delta

Delta Airlines is infusing its cabins with a lavender-and-chamomile scent called Calm. The Week asked its readers to come up with a better name to match “the ambience of the...

A Tough Question, by Zach Galifianakis

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell 
a highway it’s adopted? Zach Galifianakis

Ahead of the Competition

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. 
A stone’s throw away, in fact. Stewart Francis

Why Did The Chicken Go to…

Q: Why did the chicken go to the 
séance? A: To get to the other side.

Parenting, the Dad-Joke Way

My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.” I looked at my daughter and said,...

The Worst Streets in America

We can’t all live on a street with a pleasant name like Oak or Elm. Here are the least popular street names (that we hope don’t exist): • Drinkand Dr....

Matthew Wohlfarth on Exercise

I work out religiously—Christmas and Easter. Submitted by comedian Matthew Wohlfarth

Zen Koans for the Internet Age

• If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating? • What is the sound of no hands texting? • If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value...

Hedberg on Highlights

I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others. Comedian Mitch Hedberg

Ten Commandments by Popular Websites

If the Ten Commandments were Written by Popular Websites… I. What You Need to Know Now About the Lord Totally Being God II. At the Beginning He Had Me Confused,...

Steer Clear of this Joke

A farmer counted 196 cows in 
the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

Over-the-Hill Band Names

Do you still rock out to eight-track tapes? Then you’ll dig these band names for aging musicians: • Counting Crows Feet • R.E.Member? • Nine Inch Toenails • Hair Supply...

Worst First Sentence

The annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest honors purposely lousy opening sentences for nonexistent novels. This entry from finalist Phillip Davies of Cardiff, Wales, gave us a very real laugh: “Finally, after...

Where are Average Things Manufactured?

  The satisfactory.

Winter Punderland

As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold. I nodded...

Dad Jokes from Granddad

None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get less-on-ya.” I say to the...

Warning Labels We can Really Use:

Google: “Warning! You may find more than what you’re looking for.” Apple computers: “Warning! High Smug Advisory.” Wikipedia: “Warning label does not exist. Would you like to create warning label?”...

How do You Drown a Hipster?

Throw him into the mainstream. Submitted by Jesse Rehn, 
Green Bay, Wisconsin

Grammar Kills

The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice willing to work long, hard hours. He instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it...

Metal Bands For Kids

Unlocking The Truth, a heavy metal band made up of eighth graders, recently signed a $1.7 million contract with Sony. Here are more kid bands we’re bound to see: •...

Bad, Better, Best

3 Musketeers is a good name for a chocolate bar, but a bad name for an Army division. Shout is a good name for a stain remover, but a better...

Put-Downs Down Under

A Briton flies into Australia and is asked by the immigration officer, “Do you have any felony convictions?” The Briton replies, “Sorry. I didn’t realize that was still a requirement.”

A Bargain You Shouldn't Pass Over

A Pennsylvania couple had trouble selling their home after strange apparitions and sounds forced them to admit in their ad that it was “slightly haunted.” The Week asked its readers...

Who's the Real Turkey?

What do Black Friday shoppers and the Thanksgiving turkey have 
in common? They know what it’s like to be stuffed and then jammed into 
a small place.

10-Pin Puns

I recently stumbled upon 
my favorite new sports team. It’s 
a woman’s bowling squad called 
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter. Jacqueline Tessman, 
Benton Harbor, Michigan

Barbershop Blunders

The barbershop was crowded, so the woman at the cash register offered to put my name on the waiting list. “What is it?” she asked. “Stephen, with a P-H,” I...

Redneck Movie Quotes

Famous film quotes get the redneck treatment: • “You had me at ‘Sooooey!’” • “Use the horse, Luke.” • “Are you crying? There’s no crying in NASCAR!” • “Of all...

The Perpetual Pizza Pun-Off

A Military lab has developed a pizza that boasts a shelf life of three years without being frozen, and now the Week has asked its readers to name this durable...

Popular NSA Pick-Up Lines

“Did you fall from heaven? Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location.” @Normwilner “I’d tap that.” @SanaSaeed “I know exactly where you have been all...

I Invented a New Word:

plagiarism. Submitted by M. R.

The Device Too Big To Fail

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The 
Titanic is syncing.” Source: textsfromlastnight.com

Zero Sum Puns

The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic. But I...

Zen and the Art of Breakfast

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.

New World Gambling

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

What’s The Best Thing…

Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland? A: Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

Where Do Geeks Go…

Q: Where do geeks go for a good time? A: A wonky-tonk. Jack Eastham, Cypress, Texas

Cluck Life

Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors? A: If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

What’s Brown and…

Q: What's brown and sticky? A: A stick.

A Joke of Little Value…

Q: Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? A: He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

Why Should 288…

Q: Why should the number 288 never be mentioned? A: It's two gross.

Why do Mathematicians…

Q: Why do mathematicians like parks? A: Because of all the natural logs.

Noah and the Snakes

With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes...

What do You Call a Number…

Q: What do you call a number that can't keep still? A: A roamin' numeral.

Vice President of Rock

Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar? A: An Algorithm

Solve for XX

Q: Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties? A: Because you should never drink and derive.

Infinitely Many Mathematicians…

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, “I’ll have a beer.” The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.” The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of...

Law of Diminishing Returns

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.

What do You Call a Line…

Q: What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A: a receding hare-line.

Did You Hear About the Vegan Devil…

Did you hear about the vegan devil worshiper? He sold his soul to seitan.

Who Taught You That?

“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” the teacher instructed her second-grade student. “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant,” he answered. “Umm … Do you know what pregnant...

The Wisdom of a Defeated Husband

My husband was cramming all his chores into one day, but each job revealed another problem. For example, while touching up paint on a wall, he discovered gouges in the...

How Do You Get Down…

Q: How do you get down from an elephant? A: You don't. You get down from a goose.

She Shoots, She Scores!

Why should you never breakup with a goalie? Because he's a keeper.

Why Are Frogs…

Q: Why are frogs so happy? A: They eat whatever bugs them.

With Pointed Fangs I…

Q: With pointed fangs I sit and wait; with piercing force I crunch out fate; grabbing victims, proclaiming might; physically joining with a single bite. What am I? A: A...

Expired Logic

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? —George Carlin

The Reader, The Writer, And The Lion

A lion comes across two men, one reading and the other writing. The beast pounces on and devours the reader but ignores the writer. Why? Because, as everyone knows, a...

Candied Scams

Where are all the Sour Patch parents? —Comedian Bo Burnham

Did You Hear About the New E-reader?

Did you hear about the new e-reader? Reader’s Digest and Amazon created software that will condense books when you download them. It’s called the Dwindle. —Kristin Maurer, Evansville, Indiana

Why Do We Tell Actors…

Why do we tell actors to "break a leg?" Because every play has a cast.

Why Aren’t Dogs…

Q: Why aren't dogs good dancers? A: Because they have two left feet!

What Kind of Coat…

Q: What kind of coat is always wet when you put it on? A: A coat of paint.

Dive Right In

What did one boat say to the other? "Are you up for a little row-mance?"

Why Do Cows Have Bells…

Q: Why do cows have bells? A: Because their horns don't work.