Puns

Q: Which is faster, heat or cold? A: Heat, because you can catch cold!

Q: Why is the number six afraid of seven? A: Because seven ate nine!

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight. Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was riveting. —Stewart Francis

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks. —Stewart Francis

Q: What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?   A: The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

Q: What's the different between a cat and a comma?   A: A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

Q: Which dinosaur knew the most words?   A: The thesaurus.

Why do artists constantly feel cold?   Because they're surrounded by drafts.

My nine-year-old and I passed 
a store with a sign that read “Watch Batteries Installed—$5.” He seemed confused: “Who would pay to watch batteries installed?” Deb Morris, North Creek, New York

Two Hollywood studios want to bring Lance Armstrong’s fuel-injected story to the big screen. What should they call it? L.A. Overconfidential There Will Be Blood Tests Needlejuiced Goon with the Schwinn —From topfive.com

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it. —@RickCouchman

Q: Why are Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen always wet? A: Because they are rain deer.

Did you hear that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer never went to school? That's right—he was elf taught.

Q: Why does Santa have three garden plots up at the North Pole? A: That way he can hoe, hoe, hoe!

Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to good little sharks when they're sleeping? A: Santa Jaws!

Q: What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad? A: A pineapple.

What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?

Gee, I'll never part with it!

Q: What is a lion's favorite Christmas carol? A: Jungle Bells.

Q: Why did the children call St. Nick "Santa Caus"? A: Because there was Noël.

Q: What did the reindeer say before telling his joke? A: This one'll sleigh you!

Q: What did Adam say the day before Christmas? A: It’s Christmas, Eve!

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Yule log. Yule log who? Yule log the door after you let me in, won't you?

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things. —George Carlin

Clones are people two.

Q: Who did Frankenstein's monster bring to prom? A: His ghoulfriend.

Q: What does a nosey pepper do? A: Gets jalapeño business!

My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.” Jim Mercer, Delta, Canada

You just can’t trust atoms—they make up everything. Submitted by Alan Zoldan, Wesley Hills, New York

What did one eye say to the other? "Don't look now, but something between us smells."

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Convex. Convex who? Convex go to prison!

Algebra teacher: "What is seven Q plus three Q?" Student: "Ten Q." Teacher: "You're welcome."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "This taste funny to you?"

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!" "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?" I asked. "Nothing," he said. "She's just having contractions."

How does Moses make tea? He brews.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

Reddit.com asked workers: What is rule number one in your profession? Here’s what came back: Plumber: “Don’t chew your fingernails.” Roofer: “You are fired before you hit the ground.” Camp counselor: “Don’t lose the kid.” Scuba diver: “If it moves, it wants to kill you.” Photographer: “Take the lens cap off.”

Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.

The Yoko Club? Oh no. The German Philosophy Club? I Kant. The Compulsive-Rhymers Club? Okey-dokey. The Codependence Club? Can I bring a friend? The Procrastinators Club? Maybe next week. From gcfl.com

How do you keep a bagel from getting away? Put lox on it.

The human cannonball tells the circus owner he is going to retire. "But you can't!" protests the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?

There was a man who entered a pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Why can't a woman ask her brother for help? Because he can't be a brother and assist her too.

Why do bicycles fall over? Because they are two-tired.

Why were all the ink spots crying? Their father was in the pen.

As I helped my elderly neighbor clean out his garage, I stumbled upon an ax in the corner. "That was my grandfather's," he said, picking it up and running his fingers along the blade. "Of course, it's been through three new heads since he last used it."

The insurance industry loves its acronyms. The first time I saw the term proof of ownership was in a client's file that read "Insured has POO on damaged items."

A man tells his doctor, "Doc, help me. I'm addicted to Twitter!" The doctor replies, "Sorry, I don't follow you …"

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face …

Some people have a knack for remembering faces. Others, according to this e-mail I received at work, go them one better: "The only designated smoking area at Building One is at the picnic benches, under the covered area, where the butt distinguishers are."

 

Since my purchases came to $19.06, I handed the cashier a twenty.

"Do you have six cents?" she asked.

"Sorry," I said after fishing around my pockets, "I have no cents."

"Finally," she muttered, "a man who can admit it."

 

I was watching a marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another as an egg.

I thought, Now, this could be interesting.

One of the less difficult blanks to fill in on our job-agency application is "Position Wanted." One job seeker wrote "Sitting."

While I was performing in a show outside Chicago, there was a gentleman who could often be found hanging around the lobby. Every¬one called him the Marquis. One day, I asked the artistic director if he'd gotten the nickname because he looked so distinguished. No, he replied. "We call him the Marquee because he hangs out in front of the theater and is usually lit."

The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest celebrates purposely awful opening sentences to imaginary novels. Here are the "best" from the past year. As Holmes, who had a nose for danger, quietly fingered the bloody knife and eyed the various body parts strewn along the dark, deserted highway, he placed his ear to the ground and, with his heart in his throat, silently mouthed to his companion, "Arm yourself, Watson, there is an evil hand a foot ahead." --Dennis Pearce Through the verdant plains of North Umbria walked Waylon Ogglethorpe, and, as he walked, the clouds whispered his name, the birds of the air sang his praises, and the beasts of the fields from smallest to greatest said, "There goes the most noble among men"—in other words, a typical stroll for a schizophrenic ventriloquist with delusions of grandeur. --Tom Wallace

After J. K. Rowling announced that she might write a Harry Potter sequel—he was last seen as a married dad—The Week asked its readers to predict the title of the next book. Here’s what they divined: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fiber Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Ask-Your-Mom Harry Potter and the Financial Portfolio of Doom Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Kidney Stone Harry Potter and the Quest to Buy a House in the Hogwarts School District Harry Potter and the Quidditch Mom

If you are always straightening things, you have OCD. If you are always eating things, you have OBCD.

It’s often a challenge to explain to strangers exactly what I do in the aerospace industry. At one gathering, I didn’t even try. I just said, "I’m a defense contractor."

One of the guys was intrigued. "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"

Canada wants us to remember that it, too, is part of North America. So The Week asked its readers to come up with an eye-catching slogan for our neighbor to the north. Canada: Where Your Cold Front Begins Canada: It’s Not Just for Draft Dodgers Anymore Canada: Land of Cheaper Drugs Canada: Where Winter Spends the Summer

There are over a million words in the English language, but we can always use more. Here are some that wordsmiths contributed to the Merriam-Webster Open Dictionary website:

Epiphunny (noun): The moment of sudden revelation when one gets the joke.

Nagivator (noun): A bossy person who rides in the passenger seat and gives directions to the driver.

Phooey Vuitton (noun): A sub- standard, counterfeit Louis Vuitton product.

Wuzband (noun): A former husband.

My 17-year-old niece was looking for a job, so her mother scoured the want ads with her. "Here's one. A couple are looking for someone to watch their two kids and do light housekeeping."

"Hel-looo!" said my niece, rolling her eyes. "I can't take that job. I don't know anything about lighthouses."

I was out in the garden with my stepladder today. Not my real ladder. No, I don't get along with my real ladder.

My house is haunted by a ghostwriter. Last night, I came home and my autobiography had been written.

A helicopter loses power over a remote Scottish island and makes an emergency landing. Luckily, there's a cottage nearby, so the pilot knocks on the door. "Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asks the woman who answers. She thinks for a minute. "No, but we do have a McArdle and a McKay."

"You need to be careful when writing comments," our principal told the faculty. He held a report card for a Susan Crabbe. A colleague had written, "Susan is beginning to come out of her shell."

After I took a job at a small publishing house, the first books I was assigned to edit were all on the topic of dieting.

"Isn't the market flooded with these types of books?" I asked another editor. "How do we expect to turn a profit?"

"Don't worry," he assured me. "These books appeal to a wider audience than most."

Once I'd finished reviewing my daughter's homework, I gave her an impromptu quiz. "What is a group of whales called?" I asked. "I'll give you a hint—it sounds like something you use to listen to music." "An iPod?" she guessed. "Close," I said. "But what I'm thinking of is a little smaller." "A Shuffle!"

I posed this question to my thoughtful father: "If you could have any superpower in the world, what would it be?"

He replied, "Russia."

A dull-witted king is losing a territorial dispute with a neighboring monarch. As the fight wears on, he gets more and more frustrated until finally he roars, "Where are my two court jesters?"

In seconds, two jesters appear at his side.

"Okay, let’s continue," he says, "now that I have my wits about me."