Puns

Raise eyebrows with these clever puns.

Read up on our best puns ever including our word puns and you’ll be punstoppable. (Sorry.)

Flight of the Buzzard

Carrying two dead raccoons, a buzzard tries to check in at LAX for the red-eye to New York. "Sorry, sir," says the ticket agent. "We allow only one item of...

Stripping Titles

We disbar lawyers and we defrock clergy, so why don't we:
Delight electricians?
Derange cowboys?
Depose models?
Debark tree surgeons?
Depress dry cleaners?

Guilty

‘Where is everybody?" the cowpoke asks. "They’ve all gone to see Brown Paper Pete hang," says a bystander. "Why do they call him that?" the cowboy asks. "Well, he always...

Peace in the Middle East

We were discussing the Middle East when my friend asked about the Kurds. "They want their own homeland," I explained. "But Iraq won’t give up any land for it, and...

In the Stomach

A man goes to the doctor complaining about stomach problems. The doctor asks him what he’s been eating. "I only eat pool balls," he says. "Red ones for breakfast, yellow...

Street Name

Before the shopper could pay for her groceries with a personal check, I needed her address. "What’s your street name?" I asked. "I don’t have a street name," she said....

Talk Like a Pirate

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, "What’s with the paper towel?" The pirate says, "Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on...

Get the Hook!

What did the ill comic say in the hospital?

"I'm here … all weak!

Call Waiting

My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat. One morning we were drifting about ten miles offshore as...

Adopted Watchers

Tiffany adopts two dogs, and she names them Rolex and Timex. "Where’d you come up with those names?" asks her friend Mandy. "HellOOOOOO," Tiffany replies. "They’re watchdogs!"    

Changing Ways

Most people would be angry if their company was bought and the new owners replaced them with their own people. Not our neighbor Andy. "You know how it goes," he...

Lawn-Mower Names

Rev up your engines and tell the crabgrass to look out. The 12th annual Mow Down, Show Down Lawn Mower Championship was held in Avon Park, Florida, bringing out the...

Losing Limbs

The gladiator was having a rough day in the arena—his opponent had sliced off both of his arms. Nevertheless, he kept on fighting, kicking and biting as furiously as he...

Speaking Slowly

Hoss drove over to the next county to buy a new bull for the farm. It cost more than expected, and he was left with only one dollar. This was...

The Salesman

What do you call a Far Eastern monk who sells reincarnations?

A used karma dealer.

 

 

Someone Special

A Harley rider eating in a restaurant is checking out a gorgeous redhead. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket. The biker reaches up,...