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25 Things Your Mall Santa Won’t Tell You

Trust us, your mall Santa has much more to say than, "What do you want for Christmas?"

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Some of us get bonuses for making our daily photo quota

So please forgive me if I try to move things along. Don’t miss these hilarious Christmas jokes.

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Never force your screaming kid onto my lap

Just bring him close and give me a few minutes. These funny Santa jokes may make kids laugh.

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Want to have more than just a few seconds with me?

Skip the mall. Let’s meet at your kid’s preschool or a photo studio that invites Santa in for special portraits. These 10 small towns have the most Christmas spirit.

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I make $7,000 to $10,000 a season doing this, but cut me some slack

Between October and December, most mall Santas work about forty 10-hour days and listen to 30,000 children. These letters to Santa will cheer you up.

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Wondering why both of my white-gloved hands are always where you can see them?

Ask my lawyer. You NEED to see these Christmas traditions from around the world.

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I’m sorry Grandma is in heaven or that Mom and Dad have split up

But even Santa can only do so much, so let’s just stick with what you’d like to unwrap on the big day. These adorable vintage photos of kids meeting Santa will warm your heart.

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As a matter of fact, I did go to mall Santa school for this

Topics of study: how to hold children, manage sticky conversations, and care for my hair and beard.

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I don’t have total recall

Don’t come back after a few minutes and ask what your kid requested from mall Santa. Stand close enough to listen. Here’s the secret to giving meaningful gifts.

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Those of us with real beards think we’re superior

But the best of the rest of us pay as much as $3,000 to wig makers to make us authentic-looking whiskers.

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I see you vigorously nodding your head

Even so, mall Santas will never, ever promise anything to a child. Make sure you follow these 10 rules of gift-giving etiquette this holiday season.

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Boys tend to give it to you straight

Little girls want to explain everything.

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Is Santa real?

“Well,” I reply, pinching myself and grimacing, “I feel real.” Here are 8 gentle ways to break the news about Santa.

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I’ve been kicked in the shins, hit in the groin, scratched, bitten, and peed on

But there’s a reason I keep doing this year after year: Being a mall Santa is the best work I’ve ever found.

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I’m not an orthodontist, either

Don’t ask me to tell your child why she needs to stop sucking her thumb.

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Nobody’s facial hair curls like this naturally

That’s why they invented curling irons and got2b Glued Styling Spiking Glue–just about every mall Santa has them. Here are some hilarious Christmas presents that people actually received.

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You’re ruining the fun

I’ve noticed a lot of you have started telling your kids the truth about me a lot younger than you used to. Sometimes you spoil things before your child even asks the question, just because you’re worried he’ll hear it from someone else. Please stop.

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Shhhhh, don’t tell…

But your mall Santa might be Jewish. Have you been naughty or nice this year? Take this quiz to find out.

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Santa’s family almost never gets to spend the holiday with him on Dec. 25

Most of us schedule a delayed celebration for early January. These 14 Christmas gifts might send the wrong message.

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Being a mall Santa can be…complicated

When my daughter was in grade school, the teacher requested a conference to discuss some issues: “She’s under the firm belief that you are Santa Claus.”

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I’m not a puppy

So please don’t pet your mall Santa like one.

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Very few of us do this full time

We’re truck drivers and salesmen, engineers, and teachers. Lots of us are retired. These 20 hilarious letters to Santa will crack you up.

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It’s hard not to sweat in our heavy wool suits

To make sure we smell nice, some of us sprinkle baby powder in our beards; others use evergreen-scented colognes and sprays. And we’re always sucking on breath mints.

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Think your child’s request is over-the-top?

I’ve been asked for giraffes, pigs, and elephants, for visits from Hannah Montana and Elmo, even for a cookbook for mom because she’s not a good cook. Here are some non-toy gifts your kids will love—and no, no live animals are involved.

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Speaking of good hygiene…

Please take your barely potty-trained two-year-old to the restroom before you get in line to see mall Santa. Soil my suit, and it’s coal for you, buster.

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I love the kids, but my favorites are the little old ladies in nursing homes

When they sit on my lap (which they love to do!), they turn into kids themselves, and their favorite Christmas memories come pouring out. These 17 letters to Santa will warm your heart.

Originally Published in Reader's Digest