The 11 Kinds of People You’ll Unfortunately Meet At Every Wedding
While the bride and groom may change, the supporting cast remains oddly familiar.
Someone take the eating utensils away from that guest at table six. She’s been clinking her wine glass all night demanding the happy couple “Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!!!” She’s driven you and everyone else crazy. Even the newlyweds are tired of kissing. She’d be better off following these wedding etiquette rules guests should never break.
The Fussy Eater
The waiter will appear and read off the dining options: “We have meat, fish, vegetarian, pasta, pizza, plankton, insects, and Ensure. What would you like?” This guy will reply, “What else you got?” His favorite phrase, whispered not too quietly to the person gorging on the filet: “You like this food?”
The Un-fussy Eater
He was the cup-stacking champion of his high school, and he’s using his skills to build a pyramid-like structure of food that would be the envy of any ancient Egyptian Pharaoh.
The Bar Hog
The first thing he did was skip the service and go straight to the reception where he claimed the first spot at the open bar. He then put down a twenty and learned the bartender’s name. He hasn’t left his perch since. Thirsty? Sorry, you’ll have to order around him. No one follows these outdated wedding rules anymore.
The ‘Who’s That?’ Guy
He seems nice enough. After all, he hasn’t killed anyone. Still, while you’ve previously met everyone else at the table, this guy’s a complete mystery. He isn’t even with anyone, eliminating the possibility the couple has followed this outdated rule about plus-ones. The hosts had to shoehorn him in somewhere and your table was chosen. Which makes you wonder, “What do the hosts really think of me?”
The Grandparent To Whom Everyone Has To Pay Tribute
It’s The Godfather all over again. Everyone takes a turn to honor the grandparent and make sure he or she isn’t bored. Typical condescending small talk includes, “You must be so proud,” and “I can’t believe you’re only 112-years-young!” In reality, all they want is for you to shut up and get them some more meatballs from the buffet.
The Bored Five-Year-Old
If the service is your newly discovered 10th Circle of Hell, imagine what it’s like for the groom’s cousin’s little kid. No wonder she’s acting out like a Mixed Martial Arts fighter and going full Ronda Rousey on the back of your chair. Don’t worry, her mother is on top of things, drowning out the “I do’s” with a salvo of, “You better sit still and behave!” These are the craziest client requests wedding planners have ever gotten.
She’s-known-the-bride-since-she-was-just-a-little-girl-and-she-was-such-a-cute-little-dollop-and-so-nice (takes deep breath) and-she’s-watched-her-grow-up-from-that-nice-girl-to-a-lovely-woman-and-she-can’t-believe-she’s-getting-married-especially-since-Rodney-dumped-her (deep breath) and …
The Funny Uncle
You’re at the back of the receiving line and it isn’t moving. Did the bride’s mother faint? Are the groomsmen fighting? No, Uncle Frank is belting out “Sunrise, Sunset” from Fiddler On the Roof: “Is this the little boy I carried …” Uncle Frank thinks it’s hilarious to use all these hilarious wedding jokes and quotes, everyone else just wants to get off the receiving line and to the reception before the Bar Hog drinks all the booze.
Mr. Casanova has prepped for the big night by watching Wedding Crashers and thus knows that there is no better place to meet women than at a reception. Love is in the air, booze is in the system, and the bride’s friends are looking for love in every tuxedo. Romeo just needs to scope one out and bait the trap.