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12 of the Best David Letterman One-Liners of the Last 33 Years

As the longest-serving late night host in history, David Letterman could fill a library with his nightly monologues, quotes, and one-liners. We settled for a dozen of Dave's finest funnies.

1 / 12

David Letterman on crime…

“Robbers broke into the Gap over the weekend. The suspects are described as being armed and casual.”

2 / 12

David Letterman on Mars…

“NASA’s Mars Lander found traces of ice and salt on Mars. Right now it’s searching for tequila.”

3 / 12

David Letterman on baseball…

“Do you know what I love most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that’s just in the hot dogs.”

4 / 12

David Letterman on the latest polls…

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.”

5 / 12

David Letterman on the NSA…

“Now all of us can talk to the NSA—just by dialing any number.”

6 / 12

David Letterman on the Governator…

“It’s official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor! At least that’s what everybody thinks he said.”

7 / 12

David Letterman on Labor Day…

“Labor day is a great American holiday that people celebrate by going out and buying products made in China.”

8 / 12

David Letterman on Los Angeles…

“Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.”

9 / 12

David Letterman on the post office…

“It’s been so busy at the Post Office this Christmas, they’ve had to add three million ‘This Window Closed’ signs.”

10 / 12

David Letterman on spring in New York…

“I saw a robin redbreast in Central Park today, but it turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound.”

11 / 12

David Letterman on the apocalypse…

“New York… when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.”

12 / 12

David Letterman on America…

“Wherever we’ve traveled in this great land of ours, we’ve found that people everywhere are about 90 percent water.”

Originally Published in Reader's Digest