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12 of the Best David Letterman One-Liners of the Last 33 Years

As the longest-serving late night host in history, David Letterman could fill a library with his nightly monologues, quotes, and one-liners. We settled for a dozen of Dave's finest funnies.

David Letterman on crime…

“Robbers broke into the Gap over the weekend. The suspects are described as being armed and casual.”

David Letterman on Mars…

“NASA’s Mars Lander found traces of ice and salt on Mars. Right now it’s searching for tequila.”

David Letterman on baseball…

“Do you know what I love most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that’s just in the hot dogs.”

David Letterman on the latest polls…

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.”

David Letterman on the NSA…

“Now all of us can talk to the NSA—just by dialing any number.”

David Letterman on the Governator…

“It’s official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor! At least that’s what everybody thinks he said.”

David Letterman on Labor Day…

“Labor day is a great American holiday that people celebrate by going out and buying products made in China.”

David Letterman on Los Angeles…

“Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.”

David Letterman on the post office…

“It’s been so busy at the Post Office this Christmas, they’ve had to add three million ‘This Window Closed’ signs.”

David Letterman on spring in New York…

“I saw a robin redbreast in Central Park today, but it turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound.”

David Letterman on the apocalypse…

“New York… when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.”

David Letterman on America…

“Wherever we’ve traveled in this great land of ours, we’ve found that people everywhere are about 90 percent water.”

Originally Published in Reader's Digest