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60 Funny Birthday Quotes Perfect for Cards

Look no further for hilariously perfect quotes for birthday cards.

Happy birthday cake with burning candles, balloons and pennantpixelliebe/Getty Images

Birthdays are fun! Trying to find something to write on a birthday card though, not so much. But worry not, because there are many hilarious quotes you can choose from to make someone smile on their special day. Just look at 60 of our favorite birthday quotes and you’ll definitely find one that fits your liking. Make sure you also check out the funniest quotes of all time.

"One of the best parts of growing older? You can flirt all you like since you've become harmless." —Liz SmithGetty Images, rd.com

Liz Smith

“One of the best parts of growing older? You can flirt all you like since you’ve become harmless.”

"The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate." —OprahGetty Images, rd.com

Oprah

“The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.”

"You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely." —Ogden NashGetty Images, rd.com

Ogden Nash

“You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.”

"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." —Mark TwainGetty Images, rd.com

Mark Twain

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

"Middle age is the awkward period when Father Time starts catching up with Mother Nature." —Harold CoffinGetty Images, rd.com

Harold Coffin

“Middle age is the awkward period when Father Time starts catching up with Mother Nature.” For trivia fans, have you ever wondered what the origin of the birthday cake is?

"There is still no cure for the common birthday." —John GlennGetty Images, rd.com

John Glenn

“There is still no cure for the common birthday.”

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." —Lucille BallGetty Images, rd.com

Lucille Ball

“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” For more secrets on making 50 look like 30, adopt these 50 everyday habits to look younger.

"Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." —Larry LorenzoniGetty Images, rd.com

Larry Lorenzoni

“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.”

"I will never be an old man. To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am." —Francis BaconGetty Images, rd.com

Francis Bacon

“I will never be an old man. To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.”

"A man is getting old when he walks around a puddle instead of through it." —R.C. FergusonGetty Images, rd.com

R. C. Ferguson

“A man is getting old when he walks around a puddle instead of through it.” For more memorable sayings, don’t miss these 50 inspirational quotes to get you through any morning.

"After 30, a body has a mind of its own." —Bette MidlerGetty Images, rd.com

Bette Midler

“After 30, a body has a mind of its own.”   

"Live your life and forget your age." —Norman Vincent PealeGetty Images, rd.com

Norman Vincent Peale

“Live your life and forget your age.” These greeting card stories are cute and memorable.

"Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you're alive, it isn't." —Richard BachGetty Images, rd.com

Richard Bach

“Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you’re alive, it isn’t.”

"We don't grow old. When we cease to grow, we become old." —Ralph Waldo EmersonGetty Images, rd.com

Ralph Waldo Emerson

“We don’t grow old. When we cease to grow, we become old.” Age, in itself, can also be pretty funny. If you’re enjoying these funny birthday quotes, you’ll also get a laugh at these jokes about old age.

"Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you." — Ogden NashGetty Images, rd.com

Ogden Nash

“Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you.”

"The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you'll grow out of it." —Doris DayGetty Images, rd.com

Doris Day

 

“The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you’ll grow out of it.” Not to burst your birthday bubble, but this is how much bacteria is really spread when you blow out your birthday candles.

"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." —Golda MeirGetty Images, rd.com

Golda Meir

“Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it.”

"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody AllenGetty Images, rd.com

Woody Allen

“You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.” Here are some interesting things about the “Happy Birthday” song you never knew. 

"Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter." —Jack BennyGetty Images, rd.com

Jack Benny

“Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

"Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life." —Daniel Francois Esprit AuberGetty Images, rd.com

Daniel Francois Esprit Auber

“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” These quarantine quotes are also pretty funny.

"Happy Birthday to you, we hope that all year you never feel blue. Now that you are fifty-five, we hope that you will survive." —Marcia GoldlistGetty Images, rd.com

Marcia Goldlist

“Happy Birthday to you, we hope that all year you never feel blue. Now that you are fifty-five, we hope that you will survive.”

"The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once." —H. ProchnowGetty Images, rd.com

H. Prochnow

 

“The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.” These 75 hilarious quotes will also make you chuckle.

"They tell you that you’ll lose your mind when you grow older. What they don’t tell you is that you won’t miss it very much." —Malcolm CowleyGetty Images, rd.com

Malcolm Cowley

“They tell you that you’ll lose your mind when you grow older. What they don’t tell you is that you won’t miss it very much.”

"Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty." —Robert FrostGetty Images, rd.com

Robert Frost

“Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty.” If you’re looking for more quotes to make you laugh, here are some chuckle-inducing mom quotes.

"When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not." —Mark TwainGetty Images, rd.com

Mark Twain

“When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.”

"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself." —Tom WilsonGetty Images, rd.com

Tom Wilson

“Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.” And if it’s your best friend’s birthday, these best friend quotes can work just as well in a birthday card.

"Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed." —Charles SchultzGetty Images, rd.com

Charles Schultz

“Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.”

"Like many women my age, I am 28 years old." —Mary SmichGetty Images, rd.com

Mary Schmich

“Like many women my age, I am 28 years old.” Check out these knock-knock jokes that will also make you smile.

"Live as long as you may. The first twenty years are the longest half of your life." —Robert SoutheyGetty Images, rd.com

Robert Southey

“Live as long as you may. The first twenty years are the longest half of your life.”

"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." —Joan RiversGetty Images, rd.com

Joan Rivers

“Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty.” These jokes about Monday are just as funny as this quote.

"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two." —Sir Norman WisdomGetty Images, rd.com

Sir Norman Wisdom

“As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”

"Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life." —Herbert AsquithGetty Images, rd.com

Herbert Asquith

“Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.” Make sure you also check out these clever jokes.

"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age." —Robert FrostGetty Images, rd.com

Robert Frost

“A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.”

"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday." —Erma BombeckGetty Images, rd.com

Erma Bombeck

“A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.” Make sure you also check out these customer service jokes.

"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." —Leo RosenbergGetty Images, rd.com

Leo Rosenberg

“First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.”

"Growing old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you have not committed." —Anthony PowellGetty Images, rd.com

Anthony Powell

“Growing old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you have not committed.”

"I believe in loyalty. When a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick with it." —Eva GaborGetty Images, rd.com

Eva Gabor

“I believe in loyalty. When a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick with it.” Make sure you also check out these love puns.

"Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them." — Ogden NashGetty Images, rd.com

Ogden Nash

“Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.”

"Of late I appear To have reached that stage When people who look old Who are only my age." —Richard ArmourGetty Images, rd.com

Richard Armour

“Of late I appear to have reached that stage when people who look old who are only my age.” These hilarious text jokes will also lift your spirits.

"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." —Golda MeirGetty Images, rd.com

Golda Meir

“Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it.”

"Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative." —Maurice ChavelierGetty Images, rd.com

Maurice Chevalier

“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.”

"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." —Dave BarryGetty Images, rd.com

Dave Barry

“Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.”

"I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do." —Phyllis DillerGetty Images, rd.com

Phyllis Diller

“I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.” Did you know that U.S. presidents occasionally told funny jokes too?

"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." —Ubie BlakeGetty Images, rd.com

Ubie Blake

“If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.”

"If we could be twice young and twice old we could correct all our mistakes." —EuripedesGetty Images, rd.com

Euripedes

“If we could be twice young and twice old we could correct all our mistakes.” These one-liners will also make you laugh.

"Inside every older person is a younger person—wondering what the hell happened." —Jennifer YaneGetty Images, rd.com

Jennifer Yane

“Inside every older person is a younger person—wondering what the hell happened.”

"It’s sad to grow old, but nice to ripen." —Brigitte BardotGetty Images, rd.com

Brigitte Bardot

“It’s sad to grow old, but nice to ripen.” Here are some animal jokes you can’t help but laugh at.

"Don't regret another birthday, the good news is that you are alive and can celebrate it." —Catherine PulsiferGetty Images, rd.com

Catherine Pulsifer

“Don’t regret another birthday, the good news is that you are alive and can celebrate it.”

Kate Summers

“Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!”

"Men are like wine. Some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age." —C.E.M. JoadGetty Images, rd.com

C.E.M. Joad

“Men are like wine. Some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.” Here are some hilarious jokes from people that make America laugh.

"Don't just count your years, make your years count." —George MeredithGetty Images, rd.com

George Meredith

“Don’t just count your years, make your years count.”

"The good thing about getting older is if you don't want to do something you can say, I'm too old to do that!"Getty Images, rd.com

Kate Summers

“The good thing about getting older is if you don’t want to do something you can say, I’m too old to do that!” Here are the 50 funniest jokes about all 50 states.

"As you get older, though, you realize there are fire extinguishers. You do have an ability to control the flames." —Chaka KhanGetty Images, rd.com

Chaka Khan

“As you get older, though, you realize there are fire extinguishers. You do have an ability to control the flames.”

"You're in mint condition for a vintage model. Happy Birthday!" —Catherine PulsiferGetty Images, rd.com

Catherine Pulsifer

“You’re in mint condition for a vintage model. Happy Birthday!” Here are some jokes that are proven to be funny by research.

"Fun is like life insurance; the older you get, the more it costs." —Kin HubbardGetty Images, rd.com

Kin Hubbard

“Fun is like life insurance; the older you get, the more it costs.”

"Turning the big 40, well that can seem like a blow. No worries though as 50 will be here before you know!" —Catherine PulsiferGetty Images, rd.com

Catherine Pulsifer

“Turning the big 40, well that can seem like a blow. No worries though as 50 will be here before you know!” These bad jokes you can’t help but smile at will also make you laugh.

"You've heard of the three ages of man: Youth, middle age, and you're looking wonderful." —Cardinal SpellmanGetty Images, rd.com

Cardinal Spellman

“You’ve heard of the three ages of man: Youth, middle age, and you’re looking wonderful.”

Blair Sabol

“When you turn thirty, a whole new thing happens: you see yourself acting like your parents.” Next, check out these corny jokes that will definitely make you chuckle.

"Those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of old age, but they die young." —Dorothy Canfield FisherGetty Images, rd.com

Dorothy Canfield Fisher

“Those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of old age, but they die young.” To spark inspiration for funny birthday quotes you can write in your next card, check out these hilarious corny jokes.

 

"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." —Larry LorenzoniGetty Images, rd.com

Larry Lorenzoni

“You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” Next up, don’t miss these funny birthday jokes that will make anyone laugh.