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25 Funny Mom Sayings That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud

You never realize how ridiculous your kids make you sound until you have to yell things like, "Remember, we don't sniff butts at the store!"

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And yet they can hear you unwrap a candy bar from three rooms away

I say “Get in the car.” My kids hear “Now’s a good time to poop.” The worst is when they just wander around the house aimlessly, as if time has no meaning and all shoes come in singles. Can you relate? Don’t miss parents sharing the worst parenting tips they ever got.

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Kids are so great at pushing all the buttons

“Hell hath no fury like a child whose sibling just pushed the elevator button.” Why does everything have to be a competition with kids? “FIRST!” It’s like they’re practicing to be YouTube commenters before they’re even old enough to type.

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The best part is when you have to say it in public

“We don’t put peanut butter on our brother, roll him in birdseed, and put him on the deck.” As a mom, you find yourself making some really bizarre rules. Worse, you always frame them with the royal “we.” (See also: We don’t lick restroom doorknobs! We don’t make brass knuckles out of the Legos! and We don’t poop in closets!) Do you know the one sentence you should never say as a parent?

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It’s such a simple request, right?

“I peed alone. It was a good day.” Now if I could just get a shower without someone shoving a loaf of bread through the shower curtain and asking me to make them a sandwich.

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When did fourth-grade math get so tricky?

“I had a mind once. Now I have children.” I swear, my IQ dropped 10 points with every kid. I’d be mad about it if being mad didn’t take so much energy.

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How do things ever get done without me?

“My kids call it ‘yelling.’ I call it ‘motivational speaking.'” Just make sure you shut the windows first so the neighbors don’t judge you. Or check out these 10 habits of parents of successful children.

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Yeah, you will

“I’m not going to ask you again.” This one wouldn’t be funny if it were actually true. Of course you’ll ask them again. At least 40 times. We can’t help it—moms are such hopeful liars.

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Now, is this poo or chocolate?

“Spit your gum in my hand.” No person in their right mind would allow another to put chewed gum, regurgitated food, boogers, or vomit in their bare hand yet not only will moms do it, we ask for it.

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You’re really just teaching your kids independence and life skills

“If I put off making dinner long enough, everyone will just eat cereal.” Corollary: If you leave dinner out long enough it becomes breakfast. Table manners are one of the 11 surprising reasons French children are so well behaved.

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Why is this door locked?

“Silence is golden—unless you have kids, and then it’s suspicious.” Ask yourself, what’s more likely: Your kids playing Legos peacefully together or your kids discovering your secret stash of chocolate and inhaling all of it while wearing your dry-clean-only dresses?

Attention shoppers: There’s a clean-up on aisle 10

“This IS my circus and these ARE my monkeys.” Somebody has to be the adult and if you’re a mom, it’s always gonna be you. Don’t worry, cursing under your breath is not one of the 11 signs you’re a toxic parent.

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Watch this magic trick

“No, you can’t eat cake for breakfast.” Because that’s what I’m going to eat for breakfast after you leave for school. Just forget the cake ever existed.

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Said no mom, ever

“Thanks for throwing that tantrum—now I see the error of my ways.” It’s totally fine to use sarcasm on toddlers (although don’t be surprised when they use it on you as teens). Public tantrums are high on the list of the 16 things parents of young children wish everyone understood.

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Whining makes my ears bleed

“I can’t hear you if you’re whining.” OK, technically I can hear whining kids, I just really don’t want to.

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She’ll be happy to tell you about it too

“My mother was right. About everything.” Sometimes it takes having your own kids to make you realize what a genius your own mother is. Now call her and tell her that!

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That’s such a pretty toy, it would be a shame if something happened to it.

“I never yell; I lean in and whisper. It’s much scarier.” Pro moms can do it without saying a word at all; they just give their kids “the look.”

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The real question is “But why would there be snakes in the pantry?”

“If it was a snake it would have bitten you.” It’s a fact: Nothing is truly lost until mom can’t find it. If mom fails, forget about it, whatever it is is gone and it’s not coming back. Being able to find anything could be one of the 11 surprising signs you’ll be a great parent someday.

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It’s like living with the seagulls in Finding Nemo

“They call me mom but my real name is Momomomomomomooooooom.” Of course, it’s worse when they do figure out your actual first name. Pass the milk, Tracy! Ahahahahahah TRACY!!

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And that’s why there’s a bottle of salad dressing in the piano bench

“Oh, I already have an interior designer. He’s two.” Kids feel the need to rearrange everything at least once a day—if only we could harness this power for good. It’s days like these you’ll add to your list of parenting moments you’ll never forget.

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I wish someone would send me to my room for the rest of the night

“Time out is for me, not you.” Sometimes you put your kid in time out as a consequence of bad behavior. Sometimes you put them in time out because you can’t put yourself in time out and you don’t want to strangle them.

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They’re “tears”

“I laughed so hard that tears ran down my leg.” Sneezing. Coughing. Laughing. Jumping jacks. Once you’re a mother, all of these become fraught. And trampolines? Don’t even think about it.

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It stands for Meals On deMand, duh

“M.O.M. does not stand for Made Of Money.” For the amount of money I’ve spent on school field trips alone, I could have taken a very nice cruise. Instead, I chaperoned 20 second-graders through a museum about boats—and paid for the privilege.

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There is a pill for that but it’s not the one you’re thinking

“I have a sleeping disorder, it’s called children.” Please adjust your clocks to Toddler Standard Time, a.k.a. the crack of dawn.

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Actually, the kid who sleeps in is my favorite

“I don’t have a favorite kid; you all annoy me equally.” This is usually followed by the question, “Can you love someone without liking them very much?” At least you’re not doing any of these 10 scary parenting mistakes.

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Crawling? Sure.

“If you jump off that wall and break your legs, don’t come running to me.” This goes right along with “Why are you crying? I’ll give you something to cry about!” Don’t miss more funny mom quotes that will have you cry-laughing.

Charlotte Hilton Andersen
Charlotte Hilton Andersen, BS, MS, has been covering health, fitness, parenting, and culture for many major outlets, both in print and online, for 15 years. She's the author of two books, co-host of the Self Help Obsession podcast, and also does freelance editing and ghostwriting. She has appeared in television news segments for CBS, FOX, and NBC.