The History of the World in Dumb Jokes

Jurassic Period: Dinosaurs

Q: Why can’t you hear a ptero­dactyl go to the bathroom?
A: Because the pee is silent.

These corny jokes will have you laughing all day.

1323 BC: King Tutankhamen Dies

Q: Why was King Tut so irresistible?

A: It was his pharaohmones.

Circa 469 BC: The Birth of Western Philosophy

Q: Who was Socrates’s worst student?

A: Mediocrities.

Q: Who was his busiest student?

A: The one with a lot on his Plato.

221 BC: China Begins Construction On an Enormous Fortification

Q: Why did Mark Zuckerberg visit Beijing?

A: To see the Great Firewall.

These clever jokes make you sound smart.

27 BC to AD 476: The Roman Empire

Q: What did Caesar say when his friend asked how many oranges he’d had?

A: “Et two, Brute.”

5th Century to 15th Century: The Middle Ages

Q: Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur’s Round Table?

A: Sir Cumference.

6th Century: First Great Mayan City Reaches Its Peak

“Knock, knock!”

“Who’s there?”

“A Mayan.”

“A Mayan who?”

“A Mayan the way?”

Circa 1275: Europe Meets Asia

Q: Which explorer was the best at hide-and-seek?

A: Marco Polo.

1492: Christopher Columbus Comes to America

Q: What vegetable did Columbus not want on his ship?

A: A leek.

1509: A New Tudor King Is Crowned

Q: Who invented fractions?

A: Henry the 1/8th.

Check out these dog puns that will give you paws.

1620: The Mayflower Arrives at Plymouth Harbor

Q: What did one turkey say to the other when they saw the Pilgrims?

A: They look nice. Maybe they’ll have us over for dinner.

1687: Sir Isaac Newton Publishes His Landmark Book on Physics

Q: What did Newton’s doctor tell him when the apple fell on his head?

A: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of this situation.”

1775: The American Revolution

Q: Who yelled, “Coming are British the”?

A: Paul Reverse.

1789: George Washington Elected President

Q: Why do cherry trees smell?

A: Because George Washington cut one.

These math jokes might just help you ace your next algebra test.

1789: The French Revolution

Q: What happens when a guillotine operator is fired?
A: He gets no severance pay.

1848: The Communist Manifesto Is Published

Q: Why did the Communist fail at school?

A: He got bad Marx.

1861: The War Between the States

Q: Civil War jokes?

A: I General Lee don’t find them funny.

1886: Lady Liberty Is Dedicated

Q: What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?

A: It can’t sit down.

Check out these hilarious jokes from the guys who make America laugh.

1903: First Airplane Flight

Q: Why did Wilbur and Orville invent the airplane?

A: Because if someone else had been first, it wouldn’t have been Wright.

1912: The Titanic Sinks

Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?

A: Halfway.

1914: World War I

Q: What did the German kaiser roll say to the French baguette?

A: Gluten Tag.

1920: Prohibition

“It’s true, alcohol kills people. But how many are born because of it ?”

1929: The Stock Market Collapses

Q: How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to sell it before it crashes.

1961: The Bay of Pigs Invasion

Q: How did Fidel Castro find out about the Bay of Pigs?

A: Someone squealed.

1969: Americans Land on the Moon

The Soviets responded by announcing they would be sending a man to the sun. American engineers objected. “If you send a man to the sun, he will burn up!” The Soviets replied, “What do you think we are, stupid? We’ll send him at night!”

1972: Watergate

Q: Did you hear about the new Watergate watch?

A: Both hands always point to Nixon.

2015: Queen Elizabeth II Becomes Britain’s Longest-Serving Monarch

Q: Why is England the wettest country?

A: Because the queen has reigned there for years!

For more laughs, read these short jokes that anyone can remember.