If There’s Any Justice in Hollywood, These Apps Will Become 3D Movies
Sony recently announced that it would be adapting Angry Birds into a 3D movie for release sometime around July 1, 2016—which is excellent news for fans of cinematic classics like Battleship, Clue, or, say, Words With Friends With Benefits. What? You missed that last one? Then be sure to catch these when they hit the multiplex.
Maps: Directions Not Available
Ideal director: Sam Raimi
Runtime: Approx. 87 minutes (82 if you take the expressway)
While enjoying a “back to nature” honeymoon in the Ozarks, a pair of sexy young travelers get hopelessly lost in the thick of vampire-redneck-sadist country. If they don’t find a Wi-Fi signal—and the fastest route home, thanks to their favorite (free!) navigation app—their phone batteries won’t be the only things that end up dead on this dark Missouri night.
Instagram Girl: A Life in 612×612 Pixels
Ideal director: Lena Dunham
Runtime: Just browse it for a minute or two, every few hours
Don’t call it a biopic: this interminably refreshing slideshow of Duck Face portraits and grainy sushi closeups may well be remembered as the first cinematic Selfie. Following a year in one young woman’s life, told exclusively through her Instagram feed, IG:3D is the brutally intimate look at the millennial experience you’ve never seen…or asked for. Available in Inkwell, Lo-Fi, and Kelvin in select theaters.
Tagline: Share it all.
Weather 3D: Bad Weather
Ideal director: M. Night Shyamalan
Runtime: Updated hourly
Your 7-day forecast:
Monday: Sunny, 72 degrees. Tuesday: Ominous clouds, scattered flashbacks. Wednesday: Birds vanish, unknowable fog. Thursday: Dubstep noises. Friday: Ghost rain. Saturday: Mass extinction. Sunday: Twist ending.
Tagline: You’re gonna need a bigger umbrella…
Temple Run and The Temple of Doom
Ideal director: Steven Spielberg
Runtime: Endlessly until you get bored, or die
Hyper-caffeinated statue bandit Guy Dangerous thought he was the greatest thief in the world…until Scarlett Fox stole his heart. A chance encounter in an Aztec temple launches the two on a nonstop sprint through love, jealousy, and computer-generated demon monkeys. Can Guy and Scarlett consummate their romance while literally never stopping? So far nobody has watched to the end to find out.
Tagline: Love is a marathon. Never. Stop. Running.
Candy Crush Vendetta
Ideal director: Spike Lee
Runtime: Just one more level, I swear!
Compulsive eater Reese Nutterbutter is the prisoner of a cruel social hierarchy, and candy is his only escape.
Following a heart-attack scare, Reese’s doctors warn him he needs to lay off the sweet stuff immediately, or he will lose all his teeth and may—literally—suffer death by jellybean. Reese soon finds old habits are hard to break…unless you have a sledgehammer. Watch Reese rampage through 335 levels of gritty, treat- and oppression-smashing action as he destroys every group of three-or-more similarly colored candies he can find.
Tagline: Revenge never tasted so sweet.
Gmail, a Love Story
Ideal director: Nancy Meyers
Runtime: Depends on your spam filter
Blogger/Reddit n00b Melanie_TrueBlood78 thinks she may have found the love of her life when she discovers an anonymous Google+ profile that shares her exact taste in Lolcats memes. Mel pursues the man behind the memes in a thrilling Gmail affair—but love turns trollish when the mysterious user begins spamming both Mel’s online and IRL mailboxes with feral kittens. Can she keep her inbox, and her heart, in control? Forward this film to 25 friends to find out.
Tagline: You can haz romance ;)