Please Stop Saying These 15 Things at Sports Bars

Call a timeout! Don’t call a timeout! Spike the ball! Don’t spike the ball!

Coaches often have trouble with clock management. Quarterbacks in hurry-up mode often have trouble with clock management. But you know who really has trouble with clock management? A bunch of guys who have been drinking beer for three hours. Unfortunately, the Clock Expert Screamer never shouts a mea culpa: “My bad! I suppose Eli Manning practices and analyzes clock-management strategies more thoroughly than I do!” Here are some overused words and phrases you should also stop using ASAP.

I could do a better job!

Comic exaggeration can be a fun way to razz a player or team that is having an awful day. My grandpa runs faster than you! My six-year old throws harder than that quarterback! A litter of kittens hits harder than this defense! The Better Job Screamer shifts the focus of attention at the sports bar from the NFL games to a dissatisfied loudmouth.

No, buddy, you could not do a better job than Josh Freeman or Geno Smith. Your eyes would cloud over as you tried to figure out what the play call meant. If you managed to gurgle the play out in the huddle, you would take the snap and wet your pants. Have another buffalo wing and keep the delusions of grandeur to yourself.

Tie: Give the ball to my fantasy running back! / Kick a field goal, because I bet the over!

The Fantasy Screamer sound like a myopic, self-absorbed lunatic who expects everyone to share his joy or misery about minor events in a game he plays on his computer. The same goes for the Gambling Screamer. Most people watching a Giants game either want the Giants to win or lose; they don’t insist that the Giants win by four or that the combined game score exceeds 47 points.

By the way, research has found an inverse correlation between the amount of money a gambler has riding on a game and the amount of sports bar screaming he does. In other words, someone with ten grand riding on the Panthers is likely to curl into a pretzel of silent despair when he loses his bet, while the guy leaping around and calling Steve Johnson a “scuzzwad” put ten dollars down on a three-team parlay during a trip to Vegas in early August. You’ll also want to avoid saying these annoying phrases.

You suck, Brady!

Oh, it doesn’t have to be Tom Brady. It could be Aaron Rodgers or Russell Wilson. But usually, it really is Tom Brady, plus a few outbursts of “Deflategate!” (No one ever says anything bad about Drew Brees, ever, which is one of mankind’s great triumphs/mysteries). There are three kinds of Brady Sucks Screamers. There’s: You suck because you did not score points for my fantasy team or cover the spread. You suck because you are the quarterback facing my favorite team. And: You suck because you are not really a good quarterback.

Break his neck!

You can usually spot super-casual fans at the sports bar, the ones who only come out for playoff games or the big rivalries. They like to shout “Kill Him!” during the opening kickoff return, because they think that is what football fans do: we get drunk and act like unhinged, hateful lunatics, right? But football fans are not really a bloodthirsty mob who would watch Roman gladiators if we got the chance. Violent Screamer is a seething cauldron of rage with a loose grip on social acceptability. He may not need medication or a shrink, but he does need a back rub, a nature hike along a babbling creek, perhaps a little more sleep, and a loved one to intervene and say, “Hey, everything’s okay, the world is a beautiful place, and Marshawn Lynch did nothing to personally hurt you.” These trendy slang words seriously need to end.

He’s safe! He’s in the crease! Pass interference!

Believe it or not, referees go through years of training to get their jobs at their respective sports’ highest level. The Bar Referee likely has not had a single minute of training outside their kid’s youth basketball league. Don’t be that person that always yells for the opposite of what a ref or umpire calls throughout a game. Of course, they are human beings and will occasionally miss a call, but that’s why most leagues have video replays and reviews. But trust that they know better than the Bar Ref.

This one’s gonna be a curve ball. I can feel it.

You may be of the belief that you can predict the result of the next pitch or throw or kick, and maybe you’re occasionally right. But again, unless you’re actually a professional athlete or ref, you probably don’t have a sixth sense for that kind of thing.

Yeah, this team is pretty good, but they have nothing on the 1960 roster

You may be a really big fan of this team and have even memorized every player who played on the team during each year they won a championship. But while you’re reliving the glory days and ignoring what’s happening this season, everyone else is secretly (or not-so-secretly) telling you to shut up. These are the words and phrases smart people never use.

I’ll have the Caesar salad

No one goes to a sports bar and sticks to their diet. Even if that’s your intention, accept defeat the moment you walk inside and order wings. Besides, don’t you know that calories don’t count when you’re watching sports?

Can I see your wine list?

Another unspoken rule of sports bar dining: Don’t order wine. Sports bars are places for beer and whiskey (and tequila if your team is doing especially poorly). If you want to sip Chardonnay while watching Clay Matthews destroy a defensive line for the umpteenth time, do it from the comfort and seclusion of your home.

There’s no way we’re going to win. I can’t watch anymore…

Abandoning your alliance during the middle of the game not only makes you a fair weather fan (which has its own pitfalls), but it also makes the group you’re with question your other loyalties. Are you this flaky with your friends? Coworkers? Significant other? Are you even going to chip in for the bill? Basically, you’re not giving the best impression of yourself. Also, make sure to never say these things at work.

We’re down by 5! We need to put pressure on the defense!

Oh, do you? Because actually, “we” don’t. The team you’re cheering for does. The team that you are not on. The team that you are watching on TV while eating hot wings. You don’t need to do anything, so don’t act like you’re on the team.

Fight! Fight! Fight!

There’s nothing like a good, ol’ fashioned brawl, whether it’s your standard hockey fistfight or a bench-clearing scene on the baseball field. It’s exciting. It gets the adrenaline pumping. But you don’t need to chant “Fight!” over and over like you’re standing in a circle on the playground, waiting to see whether Tommy or Billy is going to throw the first punch.

They’re putting in So-and-So! Check out this guy’s stats

If at any point during the game you start spitting out a player’s statistics and no one acknowledges what you’re saying, hit the breaks. They’re obviously more interested in what’s happening in the game right now than how many RBIs the player hit last year. They won’t say that to your face, but what they really want to tell you is, “Watch the game or go be Jonah Hill from Moneyball somewhere else.”

Nothing

If you’re not going to comment or even watch the game at all, why are you here? Next, check out the 12 things you never knew were banned from sports stadiums.