12 Smart Jokes That Make You Sound Like a Genius
Updated: Aug. 04, 2021Do you long to be the funniest pompous twit in the room? Memorize these!
An average performance
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells “We got ’em!” Want to test your intelligence for real? This Mensa test will tell you if you’re a genius.
Caesar on the rocks, please
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”
Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.” These are the popular Italian phrases you should know how to use.
Speculative women’s studies
A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?” The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.” Here’s how to tell if you’re raising a child genius.
Om my!
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
Graduate-Level Statistics
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle. Don’t miss these corny math jokes to get every nerd through life.
One-upmanship
Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of peaceful co-existence, the Amati family decided to put a sign in their shop window saying: “We make the best violins in Italy.” The Guarneri family soon put a sign in their window proclaiming: “We make the best violins in the world.” Finally, the Stradivarius family posted this sign outside their shop: “We make the best violins on the block.” These are our favorite clever jokes to make you sound smart.
Intro to Comparative Religion
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”
He said, “Nobody loves me.”
I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”
He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”
He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me too! Protestant or Catholic?”
He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me too! What franchise?”
He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.
—Emo Philips
Objectionable content
Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality. Can you guess which types of jokes real-life geniuses laugh at most?
