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Truthiness! The 14 Best-Ever Stephen Colbert Quotes

In 2015, Stephen Colbert will take David Letterman's late-night spot and bring his flawless wit with him.

Laura Formisano

There’s an old saying…

“There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good.”

Laura Formisano

The way to a man’s…

“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.”

Laura Formisano

Don’t cry…

“Don’t cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it’ll be free yogurt.”

Laura Formisano

Contrary to what people…

“Contrary to what people may say, there’s no upper limit on stupidity.”

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I cannot stand…

“I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade… which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.”

Laura Formisano

If our Founding Fathers…

“If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.”

Laura Formisano

The summer movies…

“The summer movies are coming out! My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.”

Laura Formisano

I would say laughter…

“I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it’s more than that. It’s an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids.”

Laura Formisano

The pen is…

“The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun.”

Laura Formisano

Give a man a…

“Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you’re in business, buddy!”

Laura Formisano

An apple a day…

“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”

Laura Formisano

If women are…

“If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I’m confused. Also hungry.”

Laura Formisano

Clothes don’t make…

“Clothes don’t make the man, God does. Stop taking credit, my pants.”

Laura Formisano

Here’s an easy way…

“Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult: If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes.”

Reader's Digest
Originally Published in Reader's Digest

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