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Truthiness! The 14 Best-Ever Stephen Colbert Quotes

In 2015, Stephen Colbert will take David Letterman's late-night spot and bring his flawless wit with him.

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Laura Formisano

There’s an old saying…

“There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good.”

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Laura Formisano

The way to a man’s…

“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.”

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Laura Formisano

Don’t cry…

“Don’t cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it’ll be free yogurt.”

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Laura Formisano

Contrary to what people…

“Contrary to what people may say, there’s no upper limit on stupidity.”

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Laura Formisano

I cannot stand…

“I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade… which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.”

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Laura Formisano

If our Founding Fathers…

“If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.”

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Laura Formisano

The summer movies…

“The summer movies are coming out! My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.”

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Laura Formisano

I would say laughter…

“I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it’s more than that. It’s an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids.”

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Laura Formisano

The pen is…

“The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun.”

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Laura Formisano

Give a man a…

“Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you’re in business, buddy!”

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Laura Formisano

An apple a day…

“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”

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Laura Formisano

If women are…

“If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I’m confused. Also hungry.”

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Laura Formisano

Clothes don’t make…

“Clothes don’t make the man, God does. Stop taking credit, my pants.”

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Laura Formisano

Here’s an easy way…

“Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult: If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes.”

Originally Published in Reader's Digest