13 Bar Jokes and Stories for St. Patrick’s Day
1. Being Reasonable
Everyone has a right to make money. A sign posted at a local pub reads Be safe: Don’t drink and drive. But please still drink.
— Dawn Hummel
2. Seven Young Blondes
I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine when a vacationing Southerner stumped me with a drink order. I approached the bartender. “Have you ever heard of a drink called ‘Seven Young Blondes’?” I asked. He admitted he’d never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go back and tell the patron that he’d be happy to make the drink if he could list the ingredients for him. “Sir,” I asked the customer, “can you tell me what’s in that drink?”
He looked at me like I was crazy. “It’s wine,” he said, pronouncing his words carefully, “Sauvignon blanc.”
— Christie Eckels
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”
Driving my friend Steve and his girlfriend to the airport, we passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer. Steve’s girlfriend glanced up at it and announced, “I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I’d look like her.”
“No,” Steve corrected. “If I drank a six-pack, you’d look like her.”
— John D. Boyd, San Antonio, Texas
5. Beach Date
Our first day at a resort my wife and I decided to hit the beach. When I went back to our room to get something to drink, one of the hotel maids was making our bed. I grabbed my cooler and was on my way out when I paused and asked, “Can we drink beer on the beach?”
“Sure,” she said, “but I have to finish the rest of the rooms first.”
— Louis Allard
6. Frequent Customer?
An amnesiac walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”
7. Leaving a Mark
Bartenders and waiters have heard ’em all. But what we rarely hear is someone turning down a drink. “Nah, I better not have one,” said one man after I offered him a glass of wine. “I have the world’s worst stomach. I eat so many antacids that if I were to keel over dead right this minute, I’d leave my own chalk outline.”
— Dana Johnson
8. Flattering Tip
I was with my husband at a baseball game in Boston’s Fenway Park when I decided to go get myself a hot dog. As I stood up my husband asked me to buy him a beer. The young clerk at the concession stand asked to see verification of age.
“You’ve got to be kidding,” I said. “I’m almost 40 years old.” He apologized, but said he had to insist. When I showed him my license, the clerk served me the beer. “That will be $4.25.”
I gave him $5 and told him to keep the change. “The tip’s for carding me,” I said.
He put the change in the tip cup. “Thanks,” he said. “Works every time.”
— Angie Dewhurst
9. Case Study
I was having a drink at a local restaurant with my friend Justin when he spotted an attractive woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering his courage, he approached her and asked, “Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She responded by yelling at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t come over to your place tonight!”
With everyone in the restaurant staring, Justin crept back to our table, puzzled and humiliated.
A few minutes later, the woman walked over to us and apologized.
“I’m sorry if I embarrassed you,” she said, “but I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying human reaction to embarrassing situations.”
At the top of his lungs Justin responded, “What do you mean, two hundred dollars?”
— J. Smodish
10. A Little Help
A sign on Washington’s Route 8, featuring an illustration of a police car with lights flashing, reads:
“If you drink and drive, we’ll provide the chasers.”
— Joann Berntsen
11. Trick Question
Do you serve ladies at this bar?
No, sir, you have to supply your own.
— B. Shafer
12. Bar Buddy
A guy walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder. “What do you call that?” asks the bartender. “Tiny,” says the guy. “Because he’s my newt.”
13. Bad Day
My friend asked his father-in-law, a crop-duster, how his day had gone. “It was the worst day of my life,” replied the man. “This morning I was up in my plane dusting a field when I nicked a power line and damaged the wing of the plane. When I got back to the office, my boss chewed me out. Then the guy from the FAA chewed me out. On my way home, I stopped off at a bar and was handed a warm beer. So I yelled at the bartender, ‘Don’t you have any cold beers?’
The bartender said, ‘Sorry, but we’ve been out of electricity all day ever since some idiot crop-duster hit a power line down the road.’”
— Essie Conley