How to Reconnect with Your Spouse and Strengthen Your Relationship
Updated: Apr. 25, 2024
Even happy couples go through periods of feeling disconnected. Here's how to get the spark back in your relationship.
Does your spouse feel more like a roommate than the love of your life? You’re not alone. Feeling disconnected from your spouse is a relatively common experience that many people go through at some point during a long-term relationship. Unhappy couples report that their spouse feels like a friend or a roommate, and while they often still feel fondly toward their partner, the romantic spark in their relationship has vanished. Some even say they’ve started questioning their relationship and whether it should continue and are fantasizing about leaving their partner and/or being with someone else.
Feeling disconnected from your spouse can be very stressful. Disconnection can show up as emotional distance, an absence of communication, a lack of motivation to spend time with the partner, wanting to spend most of your time alone or with other people, and feeling as if you’re just “going through the motions.” It can lead to feelings of frustration, sadness and even anger or resentment. But it’s essential to recognize that even the most loving, once-connected couples go through phases of disconnection—and it is possible to learn how to reconnect with your spouse and get the spark back in your relationship.
As a board-certified clinical and forensic neuropsychologist and an expert in attachment theory and relationships, I understand the importance of reconnecting with your spouse to nurture a healthy and fulfilling partnership—and to be able to use that secure connection with your spouse as a basis for achieving goals and experiencing joy in other aspects of your life, too. In this article, I’ll share actionable advice on how to reconnect with your partner and breathe new life into your relationship.
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About the expert
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How to reconnect with your spouse
It’s completely natural for couples to experience periods of disconnection. Understanding that this is normal and isn’t necessarily a sign that your relationship is doomed is important. Our thoughts have a great deal to do with our feelings and actions, so if you believe deep down that there is no hope for your marriage, you may begin acting in ways that actually hurt your relationship even further—creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Instead, focus on what you can control. There are many ways to rebuild and strengthen your marriage. Here are strategies to help you reconnect with your partner.
Prioritize quality time together
Quality time is essential for nurturing intimacy and connection in a relationship. Make an effort to spend uninterrupted time together at least three times a week. Quality time does not have to be lengthy—it can be as short as 10 to 15 minutes as long as it is meaningful, mindful and without other distractions (yes, that means put away your phone). You can make sure this alone time happens by building it into a routine that is already part of your lives—for example, over coffee on Saturday mornings or a brief weekday evening walk—or take turns doing activities or hobbies that you each enjoy.
Practice active listening
Effective communication is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship, and most relationship troubles come down to communication issues—often, partners stop truly listening to each other and they are disengaged during their daily conversations, which leads to misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
Take the time to listen to your partner’s thoughts and feelings without judgment, and express your own openly and honestly through active listening (especially around issues where there is conflict or disagreement). This technique involves listening to your partner share what’s on their mind, then reflecting back to them/paraphrasing what you think you heard them say, then providing an opportunity for them to affirm or add to your understanding of what they shared. Take turns being the speaker/listener and remember that your primary intent is to listen for understanding rather than listening half-heartedly while crafting your response as they are still talking.
Show appreciation and affection
Expressing gratitude and affection towards your spouse can go a long way in strengthening your bond. Take the time to acknowledge the things you love and appreciate about each other regularly. One easy way to do this is to keep a gratitude box in a visible place in your home, such as the kitchen counter. Make it a point to drop a note to your partner daily that expresses at least one thing you appreciate about them. Every weekend, open the box and read the notes together. This will not only increase positive feelings toward one another but also provide the opportunity to reflect upon happy memories from the week together.
Make a couple’s bucket list of things to do
Cultivate novel experiences that will spark conversation and increase meaningfulness by brainstorming a list of interests and hobbies that you each might be willing to try out together. Alternate who takes the lead in planning the bucket list item for that week. Make a commitment to try one of these activities per month. Not sure where to start? Our list of romantic date night ideas offers creative ideas.
Explore the various forms of intimacy
The quality of a couple’s intimacy is a significant predictor of relationship health and your own physical and emotional well-being. Having intimacy in a relationship means experiencing an authentic closeness and deep bond with another person—the kind that helps us to feel safe, protected, secure and loved. But did you know there are five forms of intimacy?
Each week, make a commitment with your spouse to work on strengthening one of these forms of intimacy which are summarized from my book below (citation):
Physical: Includes physical touch (both non-sexual and sexual) such as sitting close together or holding hands. kissing, hugs, cuddling or intercourse.
Emotional: Involves the honest sharing of your thoughts, feelings, fears, hopes and/or dreams, and feeling heard and understood by another person. This might include talking about your current struggles, sharing your self-development goals or discussing something that happened in your childhood and how it shaped who you are as an adult.
Intellectual: Involves communicating beliefs, viewpoints and ideas in a way that creates intellectual stimulation, curiosity, interest and acceptance (despite potentialy differing vantage points). This might include reading a book and discussing the ideas together, debating two sides of a hot topic, talking about the meaning of life or discussing themes in a movie you both watched.
Experiential: Doing something together that creates a shared experience or allows teamwork toward a common goal. This might include volunteer work, training for a race together, learning a hobby, planning a trip or playing a video game or sport.
Spiritual: Sharing moments that bring you a sense of awe, wonder or acknowledgment with something bigger than yourself. This may include praying, meditation, enjoying a natural phenomenon (like watching a sunrise), going on a hike or talking about meaning and purpose in each of your lives.
Be your spouse’s biggest cheerleader
Your connection with your spouse will be strengthened if they feel like you are always on the same team and that they have an unconditional supporter on their side. Do this by providing words of encouragement to uplift your spouse, especially during challenging times. Let them know you believe in their skills and are confident in their ability to overcome obstacles and achieve their goals. Make it a habit to celebrate their achievements and milestones, including commemorating the little steps of success along the way to achieving a bigger goal.
“Speak” your partner’s love language
Understanding your partner’s love language can help you express your affection in ways that resonate with them. If you’re not sure what theirs is, ask, because their love language could be different from yours. Whether it’s words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, quality time or gifts, tailor your thoughtful gestures to their preferences. And when they respond in kind, make sure to acknowledge their efforts to show them that you’re grateful for their consideration of your individual preferences.
Recall positive memories together
Taking a trip down memory lane by looking at photos of your favorite vacations and mementos from important milestones of your relationship is a great way to foster a deeper connection with your partner and to increase positive feelings towards them—and your relationship. You can also share stories of favorite moments during your relationship with one another. Doing so also has the benefit of helping you to recall the activities, gestures and conversations that brought you meaning and fulfillment throughout your relationship.
Don’t be afraid to argue (as long as you are respectful)
Disconnected couples become that way over time because they stop engaging with one another. Sometimes, people might think that the easiest thing to do is to drop an issue without discussing it, but over time, not communicating what’s important to you can lead to resentment and hopelessness. It’s normal to disagree, and being able to do so respectfully is a skill that will increase positive feelings and trust in your partner. So if something is important to you, don’t shy away from talking to your partner even if you know their perspective is different from yours.
To keep the conversation respectful, remember that it’s important to avoid putting your partner down, name-calling and using absolute words like “always” or “never” because that puts your partner on the defense. Do keep the conversation focused on your feelings, without assuming you know how your partner thinks or feels. Lastly, wrap up your disagreement with a positive sentiment (“thanks for listening even if you don’t agree”), a hug or participate in a shared activity to ease the transition.
Understand your partner’s triggers and exercise compassion for their reactions
Everyone has triggers when they encounter situations that might remind them of past negative experiences. When people are triggered, they may have overreactions, cope in unhealthy or unhelpful ways and/or feel insecure about their self-worth and the stability of their marriage. Learn what your partner’s triggers are and steer clear of them when you can. Exercise compassion when you see that your partner has a strong reaction to something that might remind them of something bad that happened in the past, and use this as an opportunity to practice active listening to learn how you can support them.
Seek couples counseling
If you’re struggling to reconnect on your own, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. Couples counseling can provide a safe and supportive environment to address underlying issues and learn effective communication and problem-solving skills. You may also want to consider individual therapy as it can be helpful for getting to the root of any personal issues that may be affecting your relationship with your partner.
FAQs
Why am I unhappy in my relationship?
It’s common for couples to experience periods of unhappiness, but it’s essential to explore the underlying reasons behind these feelings. Whether it’s unresolved conflicts, unmet needs or changes in priorities, addressing these issues through open communication and mutual understanding is key to finding happiness in your relationship.
Is it normal to feel disconnected from your partner?
Feeling disconnected from your partner is a common challenge that many couples face at some point in their relationship. However, it’s essential to recognize these feelings and take proactive steps to rebuild the connection and strengthen your bond.
What are the signs you need to reconnect with your partner?
Signs that you may need to reconnect with your partner include a lack of communication, decreased emotional or sexual intimacy, frequent arguments without resolution, feelings of boredom, a sense of resentment and feeling lonely even when you are in the presence of your partner. Pay attention to these signs and take proactive steps to address them.
Reconnecting with your spouse and strengthening your relationship takes time, effort, and dedication, but the rewards are well worth it. Higher relationship quality predicts a number of positive physical and mental health outcomes, studies show. By using the tips above, you can reignite the spark and build a deeper, more meaningful connection with your partner.
Why trust us
For over 100 years, Reader’s Digest has explored the nuances of relationships, working with such luminaries as Dr. Ruth Westheimer, John Gottman, PhD, and Leo Buscaglia (“Dr. Love”). We ran a decade-long relationships column and have published a compendium of features, Love and Marriage: The Reader’s Digest Guide to Intimate Relationships. For this piece on reconnecting with your partner, Judy Ho, PhD, a triple board-certified and licensed clinical and forensic neuropsychologist and author of gave it a rigorous review to ensure that the information is accurate and offers the best possible advice to readers. We support all information with credentialed experts and primary sources such as government and professional organizations, peer-reviewed journals and our writers’ personal experiences where it enhances the topic. We verify all facts and data and revisit them over time to ensure they remain accurate and up to date. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
Sources:
- Journal of Happiness Studies: “Marital happiness, marital status, health and longevity”
- Current Directions in Psychological Science: “A Social Psychological Perspective on the Links Between Close Relationships and Health”
