The Funniest One-Liners You Haven’t Heard Yet
If you need to ask, "Ever hear the one about..." chances are they probably have.
Live at Five
What’s a newscaster’s favorite band? The Talking Heads.
Don’t miss these funny office jokes.
Life is about the journey, not the destination, which explains why people love sitting in traffic so much. Not!
If you take $2.00 out of an ATM that has a $2.50 fee, do you owe the machine money?
Fold it up
Young people are investing in an invention that automatically folds laundry. It’s called “The Mother.”
You won’t want to miss these other mom jokes.
A new study shows that one-third of people don’t floss, while the other two thirds couldn’t answer with all the Novocain in their mouths.
Born, baby, born!
My mother was so surprised when I told her I was born again. She said she didn’t feel a thing!
If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. If you can’t stand the kitchen, you’ve been watching too many HGTV shows.
Send to all
Why should you never text while driving? It increases the chances of typos. #kidding
Why did the grandpa change his major? He had to switch from Literature to Classics.
Check out these other side-splitters about old age.
If a picture is as good as a thousand words, that explains why her private investigator’s picture was worth a whole divorce settlement.
No one is immune
A Rolling Stone gathers no moss, but they do get grey hair.
Ready, aim, fire!
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. It’s much easier to hit your target from outside on the lawn.
Passing lane problem
I used to believe that all things must pass until I got stuck behind a school bus.
What did the zookeeper say after the python broke free? Nothing.
What did the football team print with their 3D printer? A better linebacker.
A new wine has been made for cats. It won’t be long before they start sending regrettable texts and waking up with headaches.
We all scream for ice cream
A new ice cream shop opened in a former funeral home. Flavors include chocolate, vanilla, and Kevin.
Why did the furniture company recall its lava lamps? They realized it wasn’t 1967 anymore.
Blood is thicker than water, but if we cared about things by thickness we’d be declaring pudding a vegetable.
Our first daughter was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Now we’re hoping for triplets so we can have a whole set.
They say don’t put your eggs in one basket, but I can only make so many trips to Whole Foods.
If you’re going to change your name to something like “Seamonster” you should just make your middle name, “Disappointed Parents.”
Make your father chuckle with these classic dad jokes.
Credit or debit?
They say you can do anything, but not everything. Everything requires you to leave a credit card on file.
Don’t count your chickens before they hatch. You’ll never know when you’re in the mood for an omelet.
Which school did Sherlock Holmes get so smart at? Elementary.
The saying goes, “In the land of the blind, the man with one eye is king.” The trouble is, no one knows where to look for him.
Dave wanted some hair of the dog that bit him the next morning. He’s at the hospital getting checked for rabies now.
You’ll woof for these dog jokes.
Fruit of the loom
Where does the farmer get his gossip? Through the grapevine.
Dave showed up to game night with bells on. We were playing hide-and-go-seek. He lost.
What is the only job where you can wear a heart on your sleeve? A doctor.
It’s a penny for your thoughts, but it’ll be a quarter for me to care.
Go for a stroll
A new stroller model expands to fit adult sizes. But if you’re interested in something like that, maybe kids aren’t for you.
If you like this one, you’ll love these dumb and funny jokes.
Sally always talks about her FitBit steps, but I wonder how many steps it takes for her to walk down from her high horse.
Read on for more hilarious one-liners.