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The Funniest One-Liners You Haven’t Heard Yet

If you need to ask, "Ever hear the one about..." chances are they probably have.

the talking headsNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Live at Five

What’s a newscaster’s favorite band? The Talking Heads.

Don’t miss these funny office jokes.

give a man a fishNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Fishy feeling

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day, teach a man to fish and you’ll get stuck having to cook for him all night.

life is a journeyNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Traffic stop

Life is about the journey, not the destination, which explains why people love sitting in traffic so much. Not!

if you take $2 outNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

ATM codes

If you take $2.00 out of an ATM that has a $2.50 fee, do you owe the machine money?

 

the motherNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Fold it up

Young people are investing in an invention that automatically folds laundry. It’s called “The Mother.”

You won’t want to miss these other mom jokes.

one third of people don't flossNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Dentist’s dilemma

A new study shows that one-third of people don’t floss, while the other two thirds couldn’t answer with all the Novocain in their mouths.

i was born againNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Born, baby, born!

My mother was so surprised when I told her I was born again. She said she didn’t feel a thing!

living in the eiffel towerNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Très bien!

What’s the biggest problem with living in the Eiffel Tower? Keeping all the kids off your lawn!

if you can't stand the heatNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Kitchen encounters

If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. If you can’t stand the kitchen, you’ve been watching too many HGTV shows.

texting while drivingNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Send to all

Why should you never text while driving? It increases the chances of typos. #kidding

literature to classicsNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Geezer graduate

Why did the grandpa change his major? He had to switch from Literature to Classics.

Check out these other side-splitters about old age.

 

as good as a thousand wordsNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Picture perfect

If a picture is as good as a thousand words, that explains why her private investigator’s picture was worth a whole divorce settlement.

Rolling stoneNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

No one is immune

A Rolling Stone gathers no moss, but they do get grey hair.

bio teacherNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Teacher teacher

Why did the parents not like their son’s biology teacher? He had some skeletons in his closet.

glass housesNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Ready, aim, fire!

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. It’s much easier to hit your target from outside on the lawn.

all things must passNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Passing lane problem

I used to believe that all things must pass until I got stuck behind a school bus.

first datesNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

First impression

First dates are easy as pie: they’ll take about two hours and the good ones are hot.

zookeeperNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Job hazards

What did the zookeeper say after the python broke free? Nothing.

football teamNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Football functions

What did the football team print with their 3D printer? A better linebacker.

 

wine for catsNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Meow-lot

A new wine has been made for cats. It won’t be long before they start sending regrettable texts and waking up with headaches.

These kitty jokes will have you purring on the floor.

 

funeral home ice creamNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

We all scream for ice cream

A new ice cream shop opened in a former funeral home. Flavors include chocolate, vanilla, and Kevin.

lava lampsNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Decor disaster

Why did the furniture company recall its lava lamps? They realized it wasn’t 1967 anymore.

between you, me, and the bedpostNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Moving mayhem

The only thing I want to keep between you, me, and the bedpost is how much I hate moving furniture.

blood thicker than waterNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Family ties

Blood is thicker than water, but if we cared about things by thickness we’d be declaring pudding a vegetable.

silver spoonNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Shining silver

Our first daughter was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Now we’re hoping for triplets so we can have a whole set.

apple fall farNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

An apple a day

The apple may not fall far from the tree, but it does drive far away and refuse to call.

don't put your eggs in one basketNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Basket case

They say don’t put your eggs in one basket, but I can only make so many trips to Whole Foods.

disappointed parentsNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Name change

If you’re going to change your name to something like “Seamonster” you should just make your middle name, “Disappointed Parents.”

Make your father chuckle with these classic dad jokes.

an arm and a legNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Check, please

How much does a procedure at the hospital cost? An arm and a leg.

anything but not everythingNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Credit or debit?

They say you can do anything, but not everything. Everything requires you to leave a credit card on file.

chickens before they hatchNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Breakfast time

Don’t count your chickens before they hatch. You’ll never know when you’re in the mood for an omelet.

early to bed and early to riseNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Early birds

Early to bed and early to rise may make a man healthy, wealthy, and wise, but he’ll also be really irritable in the morning meeting.

sherlock holmesNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

TV tropes

Which school did Sherlock Holmes get so smart at? Elementary.

in the land of the blindNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Kingdom come

The saying goes, “In the land of the blind, the man with one eye is king.” The trouble is, no one knows where to look for him.

hair of the dogNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Furry friend

Dave wanted some hair of the dog that bit him the next morning. He’s at the hospital getting checked for rabies now.

You’ll woof for these dog jokes.

through the grapevineNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Fruit of the loom

Where does the farmer get his gossip? Through the grapevine.

hide and go seekNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Good game

Dave showed up to game night with bells on. We were playing hide-and-go-seek. He lost.

drunk housekeeperNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Please don’t make the bed

What do you call a drunk housekeeper? Three sheets to the wind.

heart on your sleeveNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Hospital helper

What is the only job where you can wear a heart on your sleeve? A doctor.

penny for your thoughtsNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Spare change?

It’s a penny for your thoughts, but it’ll be a quarter for me to care.

spare changeNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

College courses

An art school is banning graduates from throwing their caps at graduation because they’ll need them afterward to make “Spare Change?” signs.

strollerNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Go for a stroll

A new stroller model expands to fit adult sizes. But if you’re interested in something like that, maybe kids aren’t for you.

If you like this one, you’ll love these dumb and funny jokes.

fit bitNicole Fornabaio/Rd.com

Fit friend

Sally always talks about her FitBit steps, but I wonder how many steps it takes for her to walk down from her high horse.

Read on for more hilarious one-liners.