Corny Jokes

Have you heard about the new pirate movie?
It’s rated AARRRRGH because of all the booty!

I was in my patrol car by a blinking red light—the equivalent of a stop sign—when I watched an elderly man drive straight through without even slowing down. I quickly hit the siren and pulled him over. “Why did you drive through the red light?” I asked him.

“I didn’t,” he said.

“I saw you.”

He shook his head. “I went through between the blinks.”

Q: How long does it take to know if a pair of underwear fits you well?

A: Just a brief moment!

Q: Why should you sit in a corner when you get cold?

A: Because most corners are 90 degrees.

I visited the Air and Space Museum…Nothing was there.

I used to work for an origami company until it folded.

When my friend’s wife was in labor, he would tell jokes to keep her mind off the pain, but this didn’t amuse her much. I guess it was the delivery.

You can see the strangest things if you look hard enough. The other day I saw a piece of toast in a cage at the zoo. It was bread in captivity.

I remember how embarrassed I was when I couldn’t pay my electric bill.  It was the darkest day of my life.

“What are these pennies doing in my soup?” the restaurant patron demanded, motioning for the waiter to come over to his table.

The waiter walked over and whispered, “You said you would stop eating here if there wasn’t some change in the food.”

A man walked into the doctor’s office with a strawberry stuck in his ear.  “Can you help me, doctor?” he pled. The doctor looked closely, and said, “I think I’ve got some cream for that.”

“Didn’t you use to hear music every time you put on your Western hat?” one cowboy asked another.

“I sure did.”

“How did you get it to stop?”

“I removed the hat from my head and took out the band.”

Q: Knock Knock

A: Who’s there?

Q: Felix.

A: Felix who?

Q: Felixausted, let me in!

Q: Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

A: That’s just how I roll.

Q: Erin, spell mouse.
A: M O U S.
Q: Yes–and what’s on the end of it?
A: A tail?

Corny jokes are a-maize-ing.

Q: What did sushi A say to sushi B?

A: Wasabi!

I quit my job at the helium factory today.

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

Q: Why are teddy bears never hungry?

A: Because they’re always stuffed.

Q: What did one toilet say to the other toilet?

A: You look flushed.

Q: What’s the best time to go to the dentist?

A: Tooth hurty.

Q: Where do beef burgers go to dance?

A: The meatball.

Q: Which side of a duck has the most feathers?

A: The outside.

Q: Where do Volkswagens go when they get old?

A: The old Volks home.

Q: What do a dog and a phone have in common?

A: They both have collar ID.

Q: What did the red light say to the green light?

A: Don’t look, I’m changing.

Q: What do you call a T-Rex that’s been beaten up?

A: Dino-sore.

Q: What did the axe murderer say to the judge?

A: It was an axe-ident.

Q: How much does a Mustang cost?

A: More than you can af-Ford.

Q: What did the policeman say to his belly button?

A: You’re under a vest.

Q: What do you call someone who plays tricks on Halloween?

A: Prankenstein.

Q: Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?

A: Because then it’d be a foot.

Q: What do you call a baby monkey?

A: A chimp off the old block.

Q: Why did the pig get hired by the restaurant?

A: He was really good at bacon.

Q: What do you call anxious dinosaurs?

A: Nervous Rex.

Q: What did the fisherman say to the magician?

A: Pick a cod, any cod.

Q: What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer?

A: The space bar.

Q: Why did the poor man sell yeast?

A: To raise some dough.

Q. Why was the belt sent to jail?

A. For holding up a pair of pants!

I went to see the Liberty Bell recently. I don’t know why everyone makes such a big deal about it. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

-Do you think glass coffins will be a success?

-Remains to be seen.

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

Q. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?

A. Because he just couldn’t see himself doing it.

Q. What happened when one cannibal arrived late to the dinner party?

A. The others gave him the cold shoulder.

A burglar stole all the lamps in my house. I know I should be more upset, but I’m absolutely delighted.

I gave my friend an elephant to put in his room.

He said, “Thanks.”

I said, “Don’t mention it.”

People always tell me I’m condescending.

(That means talking down to people.)

I can’t stand Russian nesting dolls. They’re so full of themselves.

Rick Astley will let you borrow most of his Pixar movies, but he’s never gonna give you Up.

(Credit: justbadpuns on tumblr)

Choosing a movie? Don’t trust these extremely abbreviated plot explanations.

• The Shining: A family’s first Airbnb experience goes very wrong. @janmpdx

• The Lord of the Rings: Group spends nine hours returning jewelry.  @eserunsalan

• Titanic: Everyone tries the ice-bucket challenge.     @generalist

• Beauty and the Beast: Stockholm syndrome works.     @DanSlott

• The Chronicles of Narnia: Kid comes out of the closet.    @SueChainzz

From the Twitter feed #ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

• I’m employed at a computer security company and have a colleague whose name is M. Alware. His e-mail address is [email protected]

• My ex-boss’s name is R. Stone. His e-mail was [email protected]

• My name is James Pan. Every other permutation of my name was taken (e.g., jpan, jamesp), so I’m stuck with [email protected]

From quora.com

Red sky at night, shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night, day.

Humorist Tom Parry

Q: What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

A: Diddly-squats.

Submitted by Valerie Lunt, Mesa, Arizona

The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”

“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.

“The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”

“What’s the good news?”

“Your cholesterol is 130.”

A few months ago, Hamas “arrested” a dolphin for being an Israeli spy. Readers of Reason magazine came up with titles for the film this action might inspire:

• Orcapussy
• Free Schmuelly
• Goldflipper
• The Porpoise-Driven Life
• Dolphinfidel

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Here are real—and very literate—names of Roller Derby players:

• Grimm Scarytales

• Pain Eyre

• Pippi Longstompings

Source: bookriot.com

I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware

I’m trying to get into classical music, but I can’t find any original recordings. All the music is performed by cover bands.

Dan Burt, on humorlabs.com

Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

@dinokitten

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …”

Demetri Martin

These words are so joining our vocabulary in 2016!

Chairdrobe (n.): piling clothes on a chair in place of a closet or dresser.

Epiphanot (n.): an idea that seems like an amazing insight to the conceiver but is in fact pointless, mundane, stupid, or incorrect.

Internest (n.): the cocoon of blankets and pillows you gather around yourself while spending long periods of time on the Internet.

Textpectation (n.): the anticipation felt when waiting for a response to a text.

Unkeyboardinated (adj.): when you’re unable to type without repeatedly making mistakes.

Source: viralthread.com

Bifocals are God’s way of saying, “Keep your chin up.”

Comedian Matt Wohlfarth

Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. “What denomination?” asks the postal clerk.

Mary thinks a second before replying, “Give me six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”

How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town.

Jimmy Kimmel

I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could’ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.

Seen on reddit.com

I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles. Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works. I already have three people following me—two police officers and a psychiatrist.

Submitted by Nancy L. Clark, Points, West Virginia

Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.

Comedian Adam Gropman

Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does.

anonymous

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

Source: gcfl.net