A man is at the funeral of an old friend. He tentatively approaches the deceased’s wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods. The man clears…
Did you hear about the young actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.
Q: What did the left eye say to the right eye?
A: Between you and me, something smells.
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Q: How does the solar system organize a party?
A: They planet!
Q: What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
A: I’m so over you!
Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?
Q: Did you hear about the two peanuts walking through town?
A: One was a salted!
Q. What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A. A meltdown!
A man came in to give his application to the manager. But the manager asked, “Why is there a four-year gap in your application?” And the man responded, “Yale.” The…
A set of golf clubs walks into a bar. “What’ll you have”? “Nothing for me, I’m the driver.”
Q: What do you call it when two rock guitars accidentally crash into each other?
A: A Fender bender.
Q: Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?
A: Because she was stuffed.
RIP boiling water—you will be mist.
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears, my illegal logging business is a success.
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail, but apparently you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.
Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in sentences often goes undetected.
An elderly farmer had an old bull that lost its usual desire and no longer went near the cows. The farmer called the vet, who prescribed a pill to stimulate…
Q: How did the dead brother and his dead brother resemble each other?
A: They were dead ringers.
Q: What kind of a shot was the dead man?
A: He had dead aim.
Q: What kind of personality did the dead man have?
A: He gave you the cold shoulder.
Q: Why were the people trying to get the dead man to change his mind?
A: Because they knew he was dead wrong.
Q: Why was the dead man not courageous?
A: Because he had cold feet.
Q: Why was the dead man insensitive?
A: Because he had a cold heart.
Q: How come nobody liked the dead lawyer?
A: Because he was rotten to the core.
Q: Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank?
A: They just wash up on shore.
Q: How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
A: An arm and a leg.
Q: Do you know what stinks about a pirate ship?
A: The poop deck.
Have you heard about the new pirate movie?
It’s rated AARRRRGH because of all the booty!
I was in my patrol car by a blinking red light—the equivalent of a stop sign—when I watched an elderly man drive straight through without even slowing down. I quickly…
Q: How long does it take to know if a pair of underwear fits you well?
A: Just a brief moment!
Q: Why should you sit in a corner when you get cold?
A: Because most corners are 90 degrees.
I visited the Air and Space Museum…Nothing was there.
I used to work for an origami company until it folded.
When my friend’s wife was in labor, he would tell jokes to keep her mind off the pain, but this didn’t amuse her much. I guess it was the delivery.
You can see the strangest things if you look hard enough. The other day I saw a piece of toast in a cage at the zoo. It was bread in…
I remember how embarrassed I was when I couldn’t pay my electric bill. It was the darkest day of my life.
“What are these pennies doing in my soup?” the restaurant patron demanded, motioning for the waiter to come over to his table. The waiter walked over and whispered, “You said…
A man walked into the doctor’s office with a strawberry stuck in his ear. “Can you help me, doctor?” he pled. The doctor looked closely, and said, “I think I’ve got…
“Didn’t you use to hear music every time you put on your Western hat?” one cowboy asked another. “I sure did.” “How did you get it to stop?” “I removed…
Q: Knock Knock
A: Who’s there?
A: Felix who?
Q: Felixausted, let me in!
Q: Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
A: That’s just how I roll.
Q: Erin, spell mouse.
A: M O U S.
Q: Yes–and what’s on the end of it?
A: A tail?
Corny jokes are a-maize-ing.
Q: What did sushi A say to sushi B?
I quit my job at the helium factory today.
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
Q: Why are teddy bears never hungry?
A: Because they’re always stuffed.
Q: What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
A: You look flushed.
Q: What’s the best time to go to the dentist?
A: Tooth hurty.
Q: Where do beef burgers go to dance?
A: The meatball.
Q: Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
A: The outside.
Q: Where do Volkswagens go when they get old?
A: The old Volks home.
Q: What do a dog and a phone have in common?
A: They both have collar ID.
Q: What did the red light say to the green light?
A: Don’t look, I’m changing.
Q: What do you call a T-Rex that’s been beaten up?
Q: What did the axe murderer say to the judge?
A: It was an axe-ident.
Q: How much does a Mustang cost?
A: More than you can af-Ford.
Q: What did the policeman say to his belly button?
A: You’re under a vest.
Q: What do you call someone who plays tricks on Halloween?
Q: Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it’d be a foot.
Q: What do you call a baby monkey?
A: A chimp off the old block.
Q: Why did the pig get hired by the restaurant?
A: He was really good at bacon.
Q: What do you call anxious dinosaurs?
A: Nervous Rex.
Q: What did the fisherman say to the magician?
A: Pick a cod, any cod.
Q: What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer?
A: The space bar.
Q: Why did the poor man sell yeast?
A: To raise some dough.
Q. Why was the belt sent to jail?
A. For holding up a pair of pants!
I went to see the Liberty Bell recently. I don’t know why everyone makes such a big deal about it. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
-Do you think glass coffins will be a success?
-Remains to be seen.
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
Q. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
A. Because he just couldn’t see himself doing it.
Q. What happened when one cannibal arrived late to the dinner party?
A. The others gave him the cold shoulder.
A burglar stole all the lamps in my house. I know I should be more upset, but I’m absolutely delighted.
I gave my friend an elephant to put in his room.
He said, “Thanks.”
I said, “Don’t mention it.”