I called the tinnitus hotline, but it just kept ringing ... —Submitted by E.M. via rd.com
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Not At All Surprised
According to a new report, adverse side effects occurred in over 3,000 women who used Botox last year—none of whom seemed surprised. —Crystal Lowery
To Err
A scientist who made contact with aliens said, “They’re nothing like us—all they keep saying is ‘Err. Err.’” “Why should that mean they aren’t like us?” his colleague replied. “To...
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Ships Collide
Two ships collided. One was carrying a load of red paint, the other a load of blue paint. All the passengers were marooned.
4, 5, 6
Q: What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
A: Quattro sinko.
Bike Cycle
Ed: The same bike tries to run me down every day.
Fred: Sounds like a vicious cycle...
Lying or Standing
Jenny: I can tell if someone is lying just by looking at him.
Penny: Really?
Jenny: Yep. I can tell if he is standing too.
No More Tires
Mike: Someone stole the wheels off of all the police cars!
Spike: The cops are working on it—tirelessly.
Tree Hands
Q: What kind of tree has a hand?
A: A palm tree.
Save Your Change
Q: Why should you save your pennies?
A: It makes good cents.
Farm Jokes
Q: What kind of jokes are told on a farm?
A: Corny ones.
Day Stealer
Q: Hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? A: They both got 6 months.
Dropped Out
The last year I entered a marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing. The guy who was in front of me,...
Astaire a Mess
Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers were dining in New York. Ginger was resplendent in a ball gown and pearls, and Fred also sported evening wear. But the meal was marred...
Kind Words
A man is at the funeral of an old friend. He tentatively approaches the deceased’s wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods. The man clears...
Through the Floorboards
Did you hear about the young actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.
Something Smells
Q: What did the left eye say to the right eye? A: Between you and me, something smells.
Solar System Party
Q: How does the solar system organize a party? A: They planet!
Fraction Break Up
Q: What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up? A: I'm so over you!
Cold Blood
Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman? A: Frostbite!
Salted Peanuts
Q: Did you hear about the two peanuts walking through town? A: One was a salted!
Meltdown
Q. What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum? A. A meltdown!
Four-Year Gap
A man came in to give his application to the manager. But the manager asked, “Why is there a four-year gap in your application?” And the man responded, “Yale.” The...
Don’t Drink and Driver
A set of golf clubs walks into a bar. "What'll you have"? "Nothing for me, I'm the driver."
Rock Crash
Q: What do you call it when two rock guitars accidentally crash into each other? A: A Fender bender.
Teddy Dessert
Q: Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? A: Because she was stuffed.
Boiling Away
RIP boiling water—you will be mist.
It’s Still Illegal
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears, my illegal logging business is a success.
End of a Sentence
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail, but apparently you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.
Instrument Sentences
Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in sentences often goes undetected.
Taking the Bull’s Pills
An elderly farmer had an old bull that lost its usual desire and no longer went near the cows. The farmer called the vet, who prescribed a pill to stimulate...
Two Brothers
Q: How did the dead brother and his dead brother resemble each other? A: They were dead ringers.
Aim the Shot
Q: What kind of a shot was the dead man? A: He had dead aim.
The Cold Shoulder
Q: What kind of personality did the dead man have? A: He gave you the cold shoulder.
Knew He Was Wrong
Q: Why were the people trying to get the dead man to change his mind? A: Because they knew he was dead wrong.
Cold Feet
Q: Why was the dead man not courageous? A: Because he had cold feet.
A Cold Heart
Q: Why was the dead man insensitive? A: Because he had a cold heart.
Dead Lawyer
Q: How come nobody liked the dead lawyer? A: Because he was rotten to the core.
On Shore
Q: Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank?
A: They just wash up on shore.
Pirate Payment
Q: How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook? A: An arm and a leg.
Smelly Ship
Q: Do you know what stinks about a pirate ship? A: The poop deck.
Pirate Movies
Have you heard about the new pirate movie?
It's rated AARRRRGH because of all the booty!
Through a Red Light
I was in my patrol car by a blinking red light—the equivalent of a stop sign—when I watched an elderly man drive straight through without even slowing down. I quickly...
The Perfect Fit
Q: How long does it take to know if a pair of underwear fits you well? A: Just a brief moment!
Warm Up on the Corner
Q: Why should you sit in a corner when you get cold?
A: Because most corners are 90 degrees.
Air and Space
I visited the Air and Space Museum...Nothing was there.
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Origami Plant
I used to work for an origami company until it folded.
Not the Time for Jokes
When my friend’s wife was in labor, he would tell jokes to keep her mind off the pain, but this didn’t amuse her much. I guess it was the delivery.
Toast at the Zoo
You can see the strangest things if you look hard enough. The other day I saw a piece of toast in a cage at the zoo. It was bread in...
Dark Times
I remember how embarrassed I was when I couldn’t pay my electric bill. It was the darkest day of my life.
Change Up The Menu
“What are these pennies doing in my soup?” the restaurant patron demanded, motioning for the waiter to come over to his table. The waiter walked over and whispered, “You said...
Strawberry Cream
A man walked into the doctor’s office with a strawberry stuck in his ear. “Can you help me, doctor?” he pled. The doctor looked closely, and said, “I think I’ve got...
Stop the Music
“Didn’t you use to hear music every time you put on your Western hat?” one cowboy asked another. “I sure did.” “How did you get it to stop?” “I removed...
Felix Is At The Door
Q: Knock Knock A: Who's there? Q: Felix. A: Felix who? Q: Felixausted, let me in!
Lean Forward
Q: Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. A: That’s just how I roll.
Spelling mishap
Q: Erin, spell mouse.
A: M O U S.
Q: Yes–and what's on the end of it?
A: A tail?
Corny jokes
Corny jokes are a-maize-ing.
Sushi what?
Q: What did sushi A say to sushi B? A: Wasabi!
QUITTER
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
Teddy Bears
Q: Why are teddy bears never hungry? A: Because they're always stuffed.
Toilet Talk
Q: What did one toilet say to the other toilet? A: You look flushed.
2:30 Dentist
Q: What's the best time to go to the dentist? A: Tooth hurty.
Burger Dance
Q: Where do beef burgers go to dance? A: The meatball.
Duck Feathers
Q: Which side of a duck has the most feathers? A: The outside.
Old VWs
Q: Where do Volkswagens go when they get old? A: The old Volks home.
Dog and Phone
Q: What do a dog and a phone have in common? A: They both have collar ID.
Traffic Light Talk
Q: What did the red light say to the green light? A: Don't look, I'm changing.
Beaten Up Dino
Q: What do you call a T-Rex that's been beaten up? A: Dino-sore.
Accidental Murder
Q: What did the axe murderer say to the judge? A: It was an axe-ident.
Mustang Price
Q: How much does a Mustang cost? A: More than you can af-Ford.
Policeman Jokes
Q: What did the policeman say to his belly button? A: You're under a vest.
Halloween Tricks
Q: What do you call someone who plays tricks on Halloween? A: Prankenstein.
Nose or Foot?
Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? A: Because then it'd be a foot.