I gave my friend an elephant to put in his room.
He said, “Thanks.”
I said, “Don’t mention it.”
Rick Astley will let you borrow most of his Pixar movies, but he’s never gonna give you Up.
(Credit: justbadpuns on tumblr)
Choosing a movie? Don’t trust these extremely abbreviated plot explanations.
• The Shining: A family’s first Airbnb experience goes very wrong. @janmpdx
• The Lord of the Rings: Group spends nine hours returning jewelry. @eserunsalan
• Titanic: Everyone tries the ice-bucket challenge. @generalist
• Beauty and the Beast: Stockholm syndrome works. @DanSlott
• The Chronicles of Narnia: Kid comes out of the closet. @SueChainzz
From the Twitter feed #ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
• I’m employed at a computer security company and have a colleague whose name is M. Alware. His e-mail address is [email protected]
• My ex-boss’s name is R. Stone. His e-mail was [email protected]
• My name is James Pan. Every other permutation of my name was taken (e.g., jpan, jamesp), so I’m stuck with [email protected]
Q: What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Submitted by Valerie Lunt, Mesa, Arizona
The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.
“The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”
“What’s the good news?”
“Your cholesterol is 130.”
A few months ago, Hamas “arrested” a dolphin for being an Israeli spy. Readers of Reason magazine came up with titles for the film this action might inspire:
• Free Schmuelly
• The Porpoise-Driven Life
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
Here are real—and very literate—names of Roller Derby players:
• Grimm Scarytales
• Pain Eyre
• Pippi Longstompings
I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.
Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware
I’m trying to get into classical music, but I can’t find any original recordings. All the music is performed by cover bands.
Dan Burt, on humorlabs.com
Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
I’m writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …”
These words are so joining our vocabulary in 2016!
Chairdrobe (n.): piling clothes on a chair in place of a closet or dresser.
Epiphanot (n.): an idea that seems like an amazing insight to the conceiver but is in fact pointless, mundane, stupid, or incorrect.
Internest (n.): the cocoon of blankets and pillows you gather around yourself while spending long periods of time on the Internet.
Textpectation (n.): the anticipation felt when waiting for a response to a text.
Unkeyboardinated (adj.): when you’re unable to type without repeatedly making mistakes.
Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. “What denomination?” asks the postal clerk.
Mary thinks a second before replying, “Give me six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”
How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town.
I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could’ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Seen on reddit.com
I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles. Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works. I already have three people following me—two police officers and a psychiatrist.
Submitted by Nancy L. Clark, Points, West Virginia
Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.
Comedian Adam Gropman
My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.
After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”
Submitted by Norie Bloom,