Corny Jokes

Q. Why was the belt sent to jail? A. For holding up a pair of pants!  

I went to see the Liberty Bell recently. I don’t know why everyone makes such a big deal about it. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

-Do you think glass coffins will be a success? -Remains to be seen.

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

Q. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? A. Because he just couldn’t see himself doing it.

Q. What happened when one cannibal arrived late to the dinner party? A. The others gave him the cold shoulder.

A burglar stole all the lamps in my house. I know I should be more upset, but I’m absolutely delighted.

I gave my friend an elephant to put in his room. He said, “Thanks.” I said, “Don’t mention it.”

People always tell me I’m condescending. (That means talking down to people.)

I can’t stand Russian nesting dolls. They’re so full of themselves.

Rick Astley will let you borrow most of his Pixar movies, but he’s never gonna give you Up. (Credit: justbadpuns on tumblr)

Choosing a movie? Don’t trust these extremely abbreviated plot 
explanations. • The Shining: A family’s first Airbnb experience goes very wrong. @janmpdx • The Lord of the Rings: Group spends nine hours returning jewelry.  @eserunsalan • Titanic: Everyone tries the ice-bucket challenge.     @generalist • Beauty and the Beast: Stockholm syndrome works.     @DanSlott • […]

• I’m employed at a computer security company and have a colleague whose name is M. Alware. His e-mail address is [email protected] • My ex-boss’s name is R. Stone. His e-mail was [email protected] • My name is James Pan. Every other permutation of my name was taken (e.g., jpan, jamesp), so I’m stuck with [email protected] […]

Red sky at night, shepherd’s 
delight. Blue sky at night, day. Humorist Tom Parry

Q: What kind of exercise do lazy 
people do? A: Diddly-squats. Submitted by Valerie Lunt, Mesa, Arizona

The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.” “What’s the bad news?” asks the accused. “The bad news is, your blood 
is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.” “What’s the good news?” “Your cholesterol is 130.”

A few months ago, Hamas 
“arrested” a dolphin for being an 
Israeli spy. Readers of Reason 
magazine came up with titles for
 the film this action might inspire: • Orcapussy • Free Schmuelly • Goldflipper • The Porpoise-Driven Life • Dolphinfidel

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said. “Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Here are real—and very literate—names of Roller Derby players: • Grimm Scarytales • Pain Eyre • Pippi Longstompings Source: bookriot.com

I think it’s pretty cool how 
the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos. Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware

I’m trying to get into classical 
music, but I can’t find any original recordings. All the music is performed by cover bands. Dan Burt, on humorlabs.com

Been reading up on the 
thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage. @dinokitten

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so 
every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …” Demetri Martin

These words are so joining our vocabulary in 2016! Chairdrobe (n.): piling clothes on 
a chair in place of a closet or dresser. Epiphanot (n.): an idea that seems like an amazing insight to the conceiver but is in fact pointless, mundane, stupid, or incorrect. Internest (n.): the cocoon of blankets and pillows you gather […]

Bifocals are God’s way of saying, “Keep your chin up.” Comedian Matt Wohlfarth

Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. “What denomination?” asks the postal clerk. Mary thinks a second before 
replying, “Give me six Orthodox, 
12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”

How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have 
a huge clock right in the middle 
of the town. Jimmy Kimmel

I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could’ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone. Seen on reddit.com

I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while 
applying the same principles. Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures […]

Here’s some advice: At a job 
interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician. Comedian Adam Gropman

Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does. anonymous

My doctor took one look at 
my gut and refused to believe that 
I work out. So I listed the exercises 
I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, 
push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot 
in my mouth, […]

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.” “But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer. “I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.” Submitted by Norie Bloom, 
Honolulu, Hawaii

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world. Stewart Francis

“Pickup artists” and “garbagemen” should switch names. @ceejoyner 
(Chris Joyner)

Whoever named 
it necking is a poor judge of anatomy. Groucho Marx

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth? A: A mechanic.

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? “Curses! Foil again!” Submitted by Paul Stewart, 
Richmond, Utah

A crafty young bard named McMahon, Whose poetry never would scan, Once said, with a pause, “It’s probably because I’m always trying to cram as 
many extra syllables into the 
last line as I possibly can.” Source: extremelysmart.com

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous. @sixthformpoet