Corny Jokes

Q: Why are teddy bears never hungry? A: Because they’re always stuffed.

Q: What did one toilet say to the other toilet? A: You look flushed.

Q: What’s the best time to go to the dentist? A: Tooth hurty.

Q: Where do beef burgers go to dance? A: The meatball.

Q: Which side of a duck has the most feathers? A: The outside.

Q: Where do Volkswagens go when they get old? A: The old Volks home.

Q: What do a dog and a phone have in common? A: They both have collar ID.

Q: What did the red light say to the green light? A: Don’t look, I’m changing.

Q: What do you call a T-Rex that’s been beaten up? A: Dino-sore.

Q: What did the axe murderer say to the judge? A: It was an axe-ident.

Q: How much does a Mustang cost? A: More than you can af-Ford.

Q: What did the policeman say to his belly button? A: You’re under a vest.

Q: What do you call someone who plays tricks on Halloween? A: Prankenstein.

Q: Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? A: Because then it’d be a foot.

Q: What do you call a baby monkey? A: A chimp off the old block.

Q: Why did the pig get hired by the restaurant? A: He was really good at bacon.

Q: What do you call anxious dinosaurs? A: Nervous Rex.

Q: What did the fisherman say to the magician? A: Pick a cod, any cod.

Q: What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? A: The space bar.

Q: Why did the poor man sell yeast? A: To raise some dough.

Q. Why was the belt sent to jail? A. For holding up a pair of pants!  

I went to see the Liberty Bell recently. I don’t know why everyone makes such a big deal about it. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

-Do you think glass coffins will be a success? -Remains to be seen.

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

Q. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? A. Because he just couldn’t see himself doing it.

Q. What happened when one cannibal arrived late to the dinner party? A. The others gave him the cold shoulder.

A burglar stole all the lamps in my house. I know I should be more upset, but I’m absolutely delighted.

I gave my friend an elephant to put in his room. He said, “Thanks.” I said, “Don’t mention it.”

People always tell me I’m condescending. (That means talking down to people.)

I can’t stand Russian nesting dolls. They’re so full of themselves.

Rick Astley will let you borrow most of his Pixar movies, but he’s never gonna give you Up. (Credit: justbadpuns on tumblr)

Choosing a movie? Don’t trust these extremely abbreviated plot 
explanations. • The Shining: A family’s first Airbnb experience goes very wrong. @janmpdx • The Lord of the Rings: Group spends nine hours returning jewelry.  @eserunsalan • Titanic: Everyone tries the ice-bucket challenge.     @generalist • Beauty and the Beast: Stockholm syndrome works.     @DanSlott • […]

• I’m employed at a computer security company and have a colleague whose name is M. Alware. His e-mail address is [email protected] • My ex-boss’s name is R. Stone. His e-mail was [email protected] • My name is James Pan. Every other permutation of my name was taken (e.g., jpan, jamesp), so I’m stuck with [email protected] […]

Red sky at night, shepherd’s 
delight. Blue sky at night, day. Humorist Tom Parry

Q: What kind of exercise do lazy 
people do? A: Diddly-squats. Submitted by Valerie Lunt, Mesa, Arizona

The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.” “What’s the bad news?” asks the accused. “The bad news is, your blood 
is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.” “What’s the good news?” “Your cholesterol is 130.”

A few months ago, Hamas 
“arrested” a dolphin for being an 
Israeli spy. Readers of Reason 
magazine came up with titles for
 the film this action might inspire: • Orcapussy • Free Schmuelly • Goldflipper • The Porpoise-Driven Life • Dolphinfidel

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said. “Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Here are real—and very literate—names of Roller Derby players: • Grimm Scarytales • Pain Eyre • Pippi Longstompings Source: bookriot.com

I think it’s pretty cool how 
the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos. Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware