Jokes

Corny Jokes

Choosing a movie? Don’t trust these extremely abbreviated plot  explanations.

• The Shining: A family’s first Airbnb experience goes very wrong. @janmpdx

• The Lord of the Rings: Group spends nine hours returning jewelry. @eserunsalan

• Titanic: Everyone tries the ice-bucket challenge. @generalist

• Beauty and the Beast: Stockholm syndrome works. @DanSlott

• The Chronicles of Narnia: Kid comes out of the closet. @SueChainzz

From the Twitter feed #ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

• I’m employed at a computer security company and have a colleague whose name is M. Alware. His e-mail address is [email protected]

• My ex-boss’s name is R. Stone. His e-mail was [email protected]

• My name is James Pan. Every other permutation of my name was taken (e.g., jpan, jamesp), so I’m stuck with [email protected]

From quora.com

Red sky at night, shepherd’s  delight. Blue sky at night, day.

Humorist Tom Parry

Q: What kind of exercise do lazy  people do?

A: Diddly-squats.

Submitted by Valerie Lunt, Mesa, Arizona

The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”

“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.

“The bad news is, your blood  is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”

“What’s the good news?”

“Your cholesterol is 130.”

A few months ago, Hamas  “arrested” a dolphin for being an  Israeli spy. Readers of Reason  magazine came up with titles for  the film this action might inspire:

• Orcapussy
• Free Schmuelly
• Goldflipper
• The Porpoise-Driven Life
• Dolphinfidel

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Here are real—and very literate—names of Roller Derby players:

• Grimm Scarytales

• Pain Eyre

• Pippi Longstompings

Source: bookriot.com

I think it’s pretty cool how  the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware

I’m trying to get into classical  music, but I can’t find any original recordings. All the music is performed by cover bands.

Dan Burt, on humorlabs.com

Been reading up on the  thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

@dinokitten

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so  every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …”

Demetri Martin

These words are so joining our vocabulary in 2016!

Chairdrobe (n.): piling clothes on  a chair in place of a closet or dresser.

Epiphanot (n.): an idea that seems like an amazing insight to the conceiver but is in fact pointless, mundane, stupid, or incorrect.

Internest (n.): the cocoon of blankets and pillows you gather around yourself while spending long periods of time on the Internet.

Textpectation (n.): the anticipation felt when waiting for a response to  a text.

Unkeyboardinated (adj.): when you’re unable to type without repeatedly making mistakes.

Source: viralthread.com

Bifocals are God’s way of saying, “Keep your chin up.”

Comedian Matt Wohlfarth

Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. “What denomination?” asks the postal clerk.

Mary thinks a second before  replying, “Give me six Orthodox,  12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”

How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have  a huge clock right in the middle  of the town.

Jimmy Kimmel

I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could’ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.

Seen on reddit.com

I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while  applying the same principles. Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works. I already have three people following me—two  police officers and a psychiatrist.

Submitted by Nancy L. Clark,  Points, West Virginia

Here’s some advice: At a job  interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.

Comedian Adam Gropman

Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does.

anonymous

My doctor took one look at  my gut and refused to believe that  I work out. So I listed the exercises  I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels,  push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot  in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

Source: gcfl.net

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”

“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.

“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

Submitted by Norie Bloom,  Honolulu, Hawaii

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.

Stewart Francis

“Pickup artists” and “garbagemen” should switch names.

@ceejoyner  (Chris Joyner)

Whoever named  it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.

Groucho Marx

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?

A: A mechanic.

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?

“Curses! Foil again!”

Submitted by Paul Stewart,  Richmond, Utah

A crafty young bard named McMahon,

Whose poetry never would scan,

Once said, with a pause,

“It’s probably because

I’m always trying to cram as  many extra syllables into the  last line as I possibly can.”

Source: extremelysmart.com

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

@sixthformpoet

A: I hear invoices!

Stephen Pickering, Marshall, Michigan

There’s no “I” in denial.

Peter Serafinowicz

Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?

Bill Bailey

Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day with other people?

Betsy Salkind

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell  a highway it’s adopted?

Zach Galifianakis

• “Eye of newt, and toe of frog, Wool of bat, and tongue of dog, Adder’s fork, and blind-worm’s sting, Lizard’s leg, and howlet’s wing.” —Paula Deen

• “Hell hath no fury like a woman  scorned.” —Taylor Swift

• “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.” —Christian Grey

From humorlabs.com

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.  A stone’s throw away, in fact.

Stewart Francis

Q: Why did the chicken go to the  séance?

A: To get to the other side.

My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.”

I looked at my daughter and said, “What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It’s time to grow up.”
My wife hasn’t asked me to do anything since.

@trmiller1326, from reddit.com

We can’t all live on a street with a pleasant name like Oak or Elm. Here are the least popular street names (that we hope don’t exist):

• Drinkand Dr.

• Vicious Circle

• West 943,185th Street

• Psycho Path

• Peoples Ct.

• Nofriggin Way

From humorlabs.com

A zookeeper is ordering new  animals. As he fills out the forms, he types “two mongeese.” That doesn’t look right, so he tries “two mongoose,” then “two mongooses.” Giving up, he types, “One mongoose, and while you’re at it, send another one.”

Submitted by M. S., via Internet

I work out religiously—Christmas and Easter.

Submitted by comedian Matthew Wohlfarth

• If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?

• What is the sound of no hands texting?

• If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value of the self?

• To see a man’s true face, look to the  photos he hasn’t posted.

Brandon Specktor

The star of Cake Boss was  arrested for DWI. Police interrogated him for 30 minutes at 350 degrees.

Comedian Joe Toplyn

Two men have been ice fishing  all day. One has had no luck, while the other has pulled out a ton of fish.

“What’s your secret?” asks the  unlucky fisherman.

“Mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm,” is the reply.

“I’m sorry; what did you say?”

“Mmmmm mmm mm mmm.”

“I still didn’t understand you.”

The lucky fisherman spits something into his hand and says slowly and clearly, “You’ve got to keep your worms warm.”

I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.

Comedian Mitch Hedberg

I. What You Need to Know Now About the Lord Totally Being God

II. At the Beginning He Had  Me Confused, but by Minute Two I Knew that I Shouldn’t Have Other Gods

III. Are You Making This Common Mistake with Graven Images?

IV. How I Work: Read This  Life Hack from God, Your Only Creator

V. She Admitted to Doing  What Every Sunday?

VI. Seven Morning Habits of  People Holier than You:  #7 No Killing Before Lunch

VII. 37 Things in Your Bedroom That You Need to Get Rid of Right Now, Like Adulteresses

VIII. What the Government Doesn’t Want You to Know About Stealing Your Neighbor’s Servants

IX. This Little Girl Bore False  Witness, and the Results Will Shock You

X. Doctors Hate Her, but You Shouldn’t Covet Her

From DAVID TATE, on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, mcsweeneys.net

A farmer counted 196 cows in  the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

On an icy, bitter-cold day, Hank visited Lou. “I had a rough time getting here,” said Hank. “For every step forward, I slipped back two.”

“If you slid back two steps for  every one you took forward, how’d you get here?” asked Lou.

“I almost didn’t. But then I said to myself, Forget it. So I turned around and started home.”

Submitted by Freda Sloat, Tuxedo, New York

Do you still rock out to eight-track tapes? Then you’ll dig these band names for aging musicians:

• Counting Crows Feet

• R.E.Member?

• Nine Inch Toenails

• Hair Supply

• Minivan Morrison

• The Early Byrds

• WalkDMC

From Dave Pell of nextdraft.com, on medium.com

The annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest honors purposely lousy opening sentences for nonexistent novels. This entry from finalist Phillip Davies of Cardiff, Wales, gave us a very real laugh:

“Finally, after 97 long days adrift, Captain Pertwee was  rescued, mercifully ending his miserable diet of rainwater and strips of sun-dried Haddock—which was  actually far ghastlier than it sounded, what with George Haddock being  his former first mate.”

The satisfactory.

None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get  less-on-ya.” I say to the ten-year-old, “Don’t yell through the screen; you’ll strain your voice.” And when I took another grandson to the zoo, I asked, “Do you know why that snake’s not pressed against the glass? He doesn’t want to be a windshield viper.”

They’ll probably laugh later.

Homer Adams, Nashville, Tennessee

Dollar Tree bought Family Dollar for about $8 billion. It would have been $10 billion, but Family Dollar was dented.

@JoeToplyn

Eve

Sex: Female

Age: About 15 minutes since I was invented,  but I don’t look a minute over ten minutes old

Location: Over by some ferns

Height: A tall vine

Weight: A bunch of sticks

Body Type: Only female type there is

Favorite music: Birds

Favorite movies: Birds

Favorite food: Birds

Hobbies: Being tempted, birds

Profession: Woman

Personality: VERY easily tempted

Turn-ons: Adam, birds

Income level: A handful of beautiful sticks

Looking for: The only other person in existence

Google: “Warning! You may find more than what you’re looking for.”

Apple computers: “Warning! High Smug Advisory.”

Wikipedia: “Warning label does  not exist. Would you like to create warning label?”

Match.com: “Contents may just be settling.”

From gcfl.net

Throw him into the mainstream.

Submitted by Jesse Rehn,  Green Bay, Wisconsin

I think the expression “It’s a small world” is really a euphemism for “I keep running into people I can’t stand.”
Brock Cohen

Q: How many tech-support folks does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: We have a light-bulb here, and it works fine. Can you tell me what kind of bulb you have? OK. There could be four or five things wrong. Now, have you turned the light switch off and on?

Q: How many economists does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: None. If the light-bulb needed changing, the market would have already done it.

Q: How many 16-year-olds does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: Whatever.

Q: How many telemarketers does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: Only one, but she has to do  it while you’re eating dinner.

Famous film quotes get the  redneck treatment:

• “You had me at ‘Sooooey!’”
• “Use the horse, Luke.”
• “Are you crying? There’s no crying in NASCAR!”
• “Of all the trailer parks in Pine Cone County, she had to pull her  ’68 Rambler into mine.”

From humorlabs.com

I told the kids I never want to  live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from  a bottle. So they unplugged my  computer and threw out my wine.

Submitted by Beverly McLaughlin,  Burnsville, Minnesota

A pride of lions, a gaggle of geese … and here’s how we might classify these groups:
• A brat of boys
• A giggle of girls
• A stagger of drunks
• A tedium of accountants
• A stitch of doctors
• A whine of losers
• A jerk of politicians

Karate: the ancient Japanese art of getting people to buy lots of belts.
Comedian Myq Kaplan

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Control Freak.

Con—

Okay, now you say, “Control Freak who?”

Give a man a fish, and he’ll  Instagram it; teach a man to fish, and he’ll still Instagram it.

@hipstermermaid

“Did you fall from heaven? Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location.”

@Normwilner

“I’d tap that.”

@SanaSaeed

“I know exactly where you have been all my life.”

@Adonish_P
From #NSAPickUpLines

plagiarism.

Submitted by M. R.

A man vacations on a tropical  island, and the first thing he hears  is drums. He goes to the beach  and hears the drums; he eats lunch, he hears the drums; he tries to sleep, he can’t—drums. Finally he storms over to the manager. “I’ve had it! Can’t you stop those drums?” he begs.

“No!” says the manager. “It’s very bad if the drums stop.”

“Why?”

“When the drums stop, the bass solo begins.”

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The  Titanic is syncing.”

Source: textsfromlastnight.com

The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic. But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.

Submitted by Denis Everett, Coronado, California

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.

A hiker stumbles upon a golden lamp in the forest. He rubs it, and out pops a real-life genie.

“In return for freeing me,” says the genie, “I will grant you three wishes.”

“I want a million more wishes,” the hiker says immediately.

“Rule number one: No asking for more wishes.”

The hiker considers his options before replying, “In that case, I want a million more genies.”

reddit.com

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson and Francisco Pizarro?

They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

A: Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

In math: Two divided by nothing.

In physics: The contraction of  the mouth due to the expansion  of the heart.

In accounting: It’s a credit, because it is profitable when returned.

In economics: A thing for which the demand is higher than the  supply.

In dentistry: It’s infectious and  antiseptic.

From gcfl.net

Q: Where do geeks go for a good time?

A: A wonky-tonk.

Jack Eastham, Cypress, Texas

Hear about the statistician  who drowned crossing a river?

It  was three feet deep on average.

Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

A: If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

Q: What’s brown and sticky?

A: A stick.

Q: Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

A: He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it’s just beer.

Q: Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?

A: It’s two gross.

Q: Why do mathematicians like parks?

A: Because of all the natural logs.

With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaims again, “Go forth and multiply,” yet the snakes stay put. Perturbed, Noah finally asks them, “Why have you not followed my command?” The snakes flicker their tongues and answer, “We can’t multiply, Noah—we’re Adders.”

Q: What do you call a number that can’t keep still?

A: A roamin’ numeral.

Q: Did you hear the one about the statistician?

A: Probably.

Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar?

A: An Algorithm

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?

A: To get to the same side.

Q: Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?

A: Because you should never drink and derive.

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.

Q: What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?

A: a receding hare-line.

What do you call a dumb carnivore? A meathead.

How many carnivores does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They prefer to stay in  the dark.

How many vegetarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?  I don’t know, but where do you get your protein?

Did you hear about the vegan devil worshiper?

He sold his soul to seitan.

Q: Why does vegan cheese taste bad?

A: It hasn’t been tested on mice.

T NOW! What do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! When do we want them? RIGH

@johnfreiler

• Star of Gravity (Newton)
• You say potato, I say __ (carbsmakemefat)
• Turned water into wine  (ernestandjulio)
• Number of wheels on an 18-wheeler (goingtoofasttocount)
• Etsy, Russian (nyetsy)

Source: Esquire

During my mother’s memorial, my five-year-old granddaughter could not stop staring at the urn that contained her ashes.
“Is that really Great-grandma in there?” she asked her mother.
“Yes, it is.”
“Funny,” she said. “I always thought she was taller.”

Lee Rosenow, Long Prairie, Minnesota

Q: How do you get down from an elephant?

A: You don’t. You get down from a goose.

Why should you never breakup with a goalie?

Because he’s a keeper.

Q: Why are frogs so happy?

A: They eat whatever bugs them.

A lion comes across two  men, one reading and the other  writing. The beast pounces on and devours the reader but ignores the writer. Why? Because, as everyone knows, a writer cramps while a reader digests.

Did you hear about the new e-reader? Reader’s Digest and  Amazon created software that will condense books when you download them. It’s called the Dwindle.

—Kristin Maurer, Evansville, Indiana

Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”

Because every play has a cast.

Q: Why aren’t dogs good dancers?

A: Because they have two left feet!

Q: What kind of coat is always wet when you put it on?

A: A coat of paint.

Boy: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?

Girl: Yes, February 14th.

What did one boat say to the other? “Are you up for a little row-mance?”

Q: How many sheep does it take to make one sweater?

A: Depends how well they can knit.

Q: Why do cows have bells?

A: Because their horns don’t work.

Q: What did the doctor tell her invisible patient?

A: “I can’t see you today.”

Q: A juggler, a tightrope walker, and a clown were lost in the jungle, when all of a sudden a lion came out of nowhere and—OWP! ate the juggler and the tightrope walker. Why didn’t the lion eat the clown?

A: Because it thought he would taste funny.

Q: Why did the bacteria cross the microscope?

A: To get to the other slide.

Q: Why are football stadiums so cool?

A: Because every seat has a fan in it!

Q: Why is the number six afraid of seven?

A: Because seven ate nine!

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.

Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware

A police officer pulled over a guy for weaving across two lanes of traffic. He walked up to the driver’s window and asked, “You drinkin’?”

The driver said, “You buyin’?”

Two babies are sitting in their cribs, when one baby asks the other, “Are you a little girl or a little boy?”

The other baby shrugs. “I don’t know how to tell the difference.”

“I do,” says the first baby. He carefully climbs out of his crib and into the other crib, then disappears beneath the blankets. After a few  seconds, he resurfaces.

“You’re a little girl, and I’m a little boy,” he says.

“How can you tell?”

“Easy. You’ve got pink booties, and I’ve got blue ones.”

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was riveting.

—Stewart Francis

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks.

—Stewart Francis

Q: What do you call an old snowman?

A: Water!

I’m reading a great book about antigravity—I just can’t put it down.

Q: Why are Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen always wet?

A: Because they are rain deer.

Did you hear that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer never went to school?

That’s right—he was elf taught.

Q: Why does Santa have three garden plots up at the North Pole?

A: That way he can hoe, hoe, hoe!

Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to good little sharks when they’re sleeping?

A: Santa Jaws!

Q: What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?

A: A pineapple.

What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?

Gee, I’ll never part with it!

Q: What is a lion’s favorite Christmas carol?

A: Jungle Bells.

Q: Why did the children call St. Nick “Santa Caus”?

A: Because there was Noël.

Q: What did the reindeer say before telling his joke?

A: This one’ll sleigh you!

Q: What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

A: It’s Christmas, Eve!

Q: Who did Frankenstein’s monster bring to prom?

A: His ghoulfriend.

Q: What does a nosey pepper do?

A: Gets jalapeño business!

Here’s the news: A Rhode Island man was arrested for passing a counterfeit $100 bill. What gave him away? Lincoln’s face: It’s supposed to be on the $5 bill.
Source: Sun Chronicle (Attleboro, Massachusetts)

Here’s the laugh: A counterfeiter drives to a small town, enters a store, and hands the rube behind the counter an $18 bill. “Mind making change?” he asks.

“Sure,” says the clerk. “Ya want two nines or three sixes?”

Source: propilots.org

My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift.

I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.”

Jim Mercer, Delta, Canada

Eight fellow accountants and I got into the elevator at work, never  stopping our discussions about an upcoming meeting. After a minute,  a voice from the back interrupted us.

“So,” a man said, “how many accountants does it take to press the elevator button?”

Anahita Hashemi, Stamford, Connecticut

You just can’t trust atoms—they make up everything.

Submitted by Alan Zoldan, Wesley Hills, New York

What did one eye say to the other?

“Don’t look now, but something between us smells.”

Which trigonometric functions do farmers like?

Swine and cowswine.

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Convex.

Convex who?

Convex go to prison!

Algebra teacher: “What is seven Q plus three Q?”

Student: “Ten Q.”

Teacher: “You’re welcome.”

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, “This taste funny to you?”

Q: Where do you find a no-legged dog?

A: Right where you left him.

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” A decade later, it’s the big day. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.”

“I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

About a month before my grandfather died, my grandmother covered his back with lard. After that, he went downhill very quickly.

—Source: Funny in the U.K.

A fortune-teller advised me, “Do everything your boss says.” Sage advice, I thought, as I was working on an important project. As if I needed more proof of just how good the psychic was, that night, as I read the newspaper, I noticed my horoscope: “Do everything your boss says.”

—Source: Funny in Korea Survey

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night,” he says.

“Have you tried counting sheep?” asks the doctor.

“That’s the problem. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”

My cousin always “borrows” money from her older brother’s piggy bank, which drives him crazy. One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the freezer. Inside was this note: “Dear sister, I hope you’ll understand, but my capital has been frozen.”

—Source: Funny in China Survey

A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.”

“Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?” asks his pal.

He replies, “Two weeks.”

—Source: Funny in Canada Survey

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson, and Francisco Pizarro?

They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

Poodle: “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I’m nervous as a cat.”
Collie: “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?”
Poodle: “I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.”

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doctor, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing,” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade … which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.

—Stephen Colbert

“Martin Levine, owner of a movie theater chain in New York City, has passed away at age 65,” read the newspaper obit. “The funeral will be held on Thursday at 2:10, 4:20, 6:30, 8:40, and 10:50.”

—Merrill Markoe

I have a stepladder. It’s a very nice stepladder. But it’s sad that I never knew my real ladder.

How does Moses make tea?

He brews.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, ate very little, and often fasted, leaving him thin and with very bad breath. Thus he is often thought of as a super callused, fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

Did you hear about the cell phones that got married?

The wedding was terrible, but the reception was terrific.

Reddit.com asked workers: What is rule number one in your profession? Here’s what came back:

Plumber: “Don’t chew your fingernails.”
Roofer: “You are fired before you hit the ground.”
Camp counselor: “Don’t lose the kid.”
Scuba diver: “If it moves, it wants to kill you.”
Photographer: “Take the lens cap off.”

The hashtag #literaryturducken asked Twitter users to combine the titles of three classic books into a single title. Here are some responses:

Anne of Green Eggs and Hamlet
You Are What You Eat, Pray, Love in the Time of Cholera
What’s Eating Gilbert Grapes of Wrath of the Titans
How Green Was My Valley of the Doll’s House
The Art of War and Peace in Our Time

Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?

They always take things literally.

The Yoko Club? Oh no.
The German Philosophy Club? I Kant.
The Compulsive-Rhymers Club? Okey-dokey.
The Codependence Club? Can I bring a friend?
The Procrastinators Club? Maybe next week.

From gcfl.com

Did you hear that NASA has launched several cows into orbit?

It was the herd shot around the world.

How do you keep a bagel from getting away?

Put lox on it.

Did you hear about the giant who threw up? It’s all over town.

As they leave the courthouse, a lawyer turns to his grim-faced client and says, “Janez, what’s wrong? You were acquitted.”
“I know, but now I’m really in trouble,” says Janez. “I just rented out my apartment for three years.”

—Source: Funny in Slovenia

A neighbor finds a young boy sitting on the stairs crying. “What’s the matter, honey?” she asks him.

“It’s my father,” the boy says, sobbing. “He hit his finger with a hammer.”

“Then why are you crying?” she says.

“Because first I laughed!” he answers.

—Source: Funny in Serbia Survey

Wife: “Honey, did you notice? I bought a new toilet brush.”

Husband: “Yes, I did. But I still prefer the paper.”

—Source: Funny in Switzerland

At the nudist colony for communists, two men are sitting on the front porch. One turns to the other and says, “I say, have you read Marx?” The other replies, “Yes … I believe it’s these wicker chairs.”

An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. He takes out an ad in the newspaper, but two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt. “What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks. “ ‘Here, boy,’ ” he replies.

A schoolteacher was arrested at the airport for trying to go through security with a slide rule and a calculator. He was charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey.”

The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who is a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here.” One of the yogurt cartons says to him, “Why not? We’re cultured individuals.”

The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or Twist?”

A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under one arm. The man says, “Beer, please, and one for the road.”

A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar and ask for a drink. The bartender says, “OK, but I don’t want you starting anything in here.”

A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender tells him to get out. The mushroom says, “Why? I’m a fun-guy.”

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?

Halfway.

So I called up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned dial-a-llama.

The human cannonball tells the circus owner he is going to retire.

“But you can’t!” protests the boss. “Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?

There was a man who entered a pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

What did the Buddhist say to the pizza guy?

“Make me one with everything.”

Why can’t a woman ask her brother for help?

Because he can’t be a brother and assist her too.

What do you call a fish with no eye?

Fsh.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

Where does a king keep his armies?

In his sleevies.

Why do bicycles fall over?

Because they are two-tired.

Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed?

He had low elf-esteem.

Why was the math book sad?

Because it had so many problems.

Why were all the ink spots crying?

Their father was in the pen.

Why do hummingbirds hum?

Because they can’t remember the words.

So that three people can fit in the pickup.

A hermit leaves the solitude of his rural home and ventures into town for the first time in his life to try to get a loan.

Inside the bank, he tells the manager, “I want to borrow $10,000 to build a bathroom in my house.”

“I don’t believe I know you,” says the manager. “Where have you done your business before?”

The hermit replies, “Out back in the woods.”

—Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon,
Newark, Delaware

A man walks into a restaurant and says, “How do you prepare your chickens?” The cook replies, “Nothing special. We just tell ’em they’re gonna die.”

A man in Thailand was arrested with more than 10,000 pairs of stolen underwear. Legal experts are expecting a brief trial.

—Jimmy Fallon

A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, “That’ll be $1.49.” The duck replies, “Put it on my bill.”

Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder, and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of joke?”

A pig walks into a bar, orders 15 beers, and drinks them. The bartender asks, “Would you like to know where the bathroom is?” “No,” says the pig. “I’m the little piggy that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home.”

A man walks into a seafood store carrying a trout under his arm.

“Do you make fish cakes?” he asked.

“Yes, we do,” replied the fishmonger.

“Great,” said the man. “It’s his birthday.”

Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed some space.—Contributed by James Brink

Did you hear the one about the 400-pound cartoonist? He was overdrawn.—Contributed by James Brink

Did you hear the one about the knife-sharpener who quit his job? He couldn’t stand the daily grind.—Contributed by James Brink

Did you hear the one about the mime who went shopping? He only bought unmentionables.—Contributed by James Brink

Did you hear the one about the convict who had an allergy? He broke out.—Contributed by James Brink

Matt swallowed all the tiles from his Scrabble set. Doctors said the problem will work itself out, but not in so many words.
—From Man Walks into a Bar by Stephen Arnott and Mike Haskins (Ulysses Press)

Did you hear about the Broadway actor who broke through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
—Contributed by Adam Joshua Smargon

Girl #1 (picking up box of baking soda): I didn’t know soda was baked.
Girl #2: Thank God it’s not fried! Do you know how many extra calories that would be?!
—From overheardinnewyork.com

Girl: Why would he say that I was not educated?
Friend: Well, that’s not exactly what he said, now, was it?
Girl: No. He said I was tapid and voided of thought.
Friend: Vapid and devoid of thought.
Girl: Same thing.
—From overheardinnewyork.com

Guy: Your glasses can’t be bad—you just got them!
Girl: Yeah, but I cheated on the eye exam, so it’s really my own fault.
Guy: That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
Girl: I’m very competitive.
—From overheardinnewyork.com

“I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, ‘Let’s make this more interesting.’ So we stopped playing chess.”

—Matt Kirshen

If truth-in-advertising laws governed your tattoos, here’s what the ink would actually say:

Still in my rebellious rite-of-passage phase.

I anticipate always feeling as whimsical as I was when I chose this.

Thinking-ahead deficient.

Personal names on my body are not necessarily indicative of my relationship with that person when you read this.

I regretted this one almost immediately.

It may be wrong to assume that I know what this symbol represents.

Actively taking a role in reducing the number of potential places that might employ me.

Sarah, the self-appointed arbiter of the town’s morals, stuck her nose into everyone’s business. She made a mistake, however, when she accused her neighbor George of being an alcoholic after spotting his pickup parked in front of a bar one afternoon.

“George, everyone who sees it there will know what you’re doing,” she told him in front of their church group.

George ignored her and walked away. Later that evening, he parked his pickup in front of Sarah’s house and left it there all night.

The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest celebrates purposely awful opening sentences to imaginary novels. Here are the “best” from the past year.

As Holmes, who had a nose for danger, quietly fingered the bloody knife and eyed the various body parts strewn along the dark, deserted highway, he placed his ear to the ground and, with his heart in his throat, silently mouthed to his companion, “Arm yourself, Watson, there is an evil hand a foot ahead.”
–Dennis Pearce

Through the verdant plains of North Umbria walked Waylon Ogglethorpe, and, as he walked, the clouds whispered his name, the birds of the air sang his praises, and the beasts of the fields from smallest to greatest said, “There goes the most noble among men”—in other words, a typical stroll for a schizophrenic ventriloquist with delusions of grandeur. –Tom Wallace

After J. K. Rowling announced that she might write a Harry Potter sequel—he was last seen as a married dad—The Week asked its readers to predict the title of the next book. Here’s what they divined:

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fiber
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Ask-Your-Mom
Harry Potter and the Financial Portfolio of Doom
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Kidney Stone
Harry Potter and the Quest to Buy a House in the Hogwarts School District
Harry Potter and the Quidditch Mom

Canada wants us to remember that it, too, is part of North America. So The Week asked its readers to come up with an eye-catching slogan for our neighbor to the north.

Canada: Where Your Cold Front Begins
Canada: It’s Not Just for Draft Dodgers Anymore
Canada: Land of Cheaper Drugs
Canada: Where Winter Spends the Summer

Are you a redneck? Want to be one? Take the Redneck IQ test and see how well you fare. Don’t look for answers. If you need them, you’re no redneck.

1) Which of these cars will rust out quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
’65 Ford Fairlane
’69 Chevrolet Chevelle
’64 Pontiac GTO

2) Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a ten-pound possum.

3) A woodcutter has a chain saw, which operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. Here’s the question: How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

4) If your uncle builds a still that produces 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

The Week asked its readers to come up with the name of a French fast-food restaurant:
•Brief Bourguignonne
•Kentucky Fried Chic
•Tore de Pants
•Fatatouille
•Fryer Jacques
•Have It Eur Way
•Chomps Élysées

On his way to perform at a graveside service, the bagpiper gets lost. After many wrong turns, he finally arrives, but the minister and mourners have already gone. Only the grave diggers remain, and they’re eating lunch. Not knowing what else to do, the bagpiper begins to play.

The workers put down their lunches and weep as the man plays “Amazing Grace.” When he finishes, he packs up his bagpipes and heads for his car. As he opens the door, he hears one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen anything like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for 20 years.”

My mother asked me to hand out invitations for my brother’s surprise birthday party. That’s when I realized he was her favorite twin.

Three guys are talking about what constitutes fame. The first guy defines it as being invited to the White House for a chat with the president.

“Nah,” says the second guy. “Real fame would be if the red phone rang when you were there, and the president wouldn’t take the call.”

“You’re both wrong,” says the third. “Fame is when you’re in the Oval Office and the red phone rings, the president answers it, listens for a second, and then says, “‘It’s for you.'”

While filling up at a gas station, I accidentally spilled gasoline on my shirt. When I went inside to pay, I noticed a woman crinkling her nose. Embarrassed, I tried to put her mind at ease. “If you smell gas,” I said, “it’s me.”

The pastor asks his flock, “What would you like people to say when you’re in your casket?”

One congregant says, “I’d like them to say I was a fine family man.”

Another says, “I’d like them to say I helped people.”

The third responds, “I’d like them to say, ‘Look! I think he’s moving!’ “

Conversation at our business lunch turned to illegal immigration. “I read an article that said 60 percent of Americans are immigrants,” commented one of my colleagues. “That can’t be true,” another said.

“No,” agreed a Native American co-worker. “There’s a lot more of you than that.”

Plus: Submit your own joke now! For a chance to win $1,500!

What’s the state of the states of the union? Let’s see … New Yorkers mock Southern drawls. Southerners don’t cotton to West Coast hippies, who in turn can’t understand why Midwesterners live so far from the ocean breeze. And Midwesterners? They wonder who could survive New York-the city that never sleeps. Yes, the U.S.A. is one big, happy dysfunctional family. And to prove there are no hard feelings, every state gets a handpicked potshot all its own.

Alabama
When a visitor to a town in Alabama spotted a dog attacking a boy, he grabbed the animal and throttled it with his bare hands. An impressed reporter saw the incident and told him the next day’s headline would scream “Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal.”
“I’m not from this town,” said the hero.
“Then,” the reporter said, “it will say ‘Alabama Man Saves Child by Killing Dog.'”
“Actually,” said the man, “I’m from New Hampshire.”
“In that case,” the reporter grumbled, “the headline will be ‘Yankee Kills Family Pet.'” Alaska
An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked, “Where were you on the night of October to April?”

Arizona
It’s so hot in Arizona, cows are giving evaporated milk and the trees are whistling for dogs.

Arkansas
An Arkansas state trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40.
He says to the driver, “Got any ID?” The driver asks, “‘Bout what?”

California
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), the FBI, and the CIA want to see who is best at catching perps. So a rabbit is released into the forest, and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later, dragging a bruised mountain lion behind them. The mountain lion’s yelling, “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

Colorado
How do you know you’re in the presence of a real Coloradan? He carries his $3,000 mountain bike atop his $500 car.

Connecticut
What’s the difference between Massachusetts and Connecticut? The Kennedys don’t own Connecticut.

Delaware
A DuPont chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”
“You mean aspirin?” says the pharmacist.
“That’s it! I can never remember that word.”

Florida
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
–Jerry Seinfeld

Georgia
How do you know you live in Georgia? When all directions start with “Go down Peachtree …” and include the phrase “When you see the Waffle House …”

Hawaii
See our funny Hawaii cartoon.

Idaho
Want to join a militia? Idaho’s your state. Here are some terms to learn:
Commander: Whoever starts the unit.
Second in Command: His best friend.
Auxiliary Commander: His wife.
Captain: New guy.
Militia Headquarters: The basement of whoever has the fax machine.
Squad: Guys in the ambulance who come out when a militia member accidentally shoots himself during training.

Illinois
This is how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough.”
–Richard Jeni

Indiana
See our funny Indiana cartoon.

Iowa
What do they call 100 John Deeres circling a McDonald’s in Iowa? Prom night.

Kansas
What do a jackknifed semi in Ohio, a guy getting a divorce in Alabama, and a tornado in Kansas have in common? They’re all fixin’ to lose a trailer.

Kentucky
How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky? If it’d been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

Louisiana
What differentiates a zoo in Louisiana from other zoos? The Louisiana zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

A woman buys many gallons of milk from the milkman one day.

"Why do you need so much milk?" the mailman asks.

The lady replies, "I heard that taking baths in milk makes you healthier and prettier."

The milkman asks, "Would you like the milk pasteurized?"

She answers, "No, just up to the neck".

My wife and I were having lunch at a fashionable eatery in Annapolis when we noticed what looked like a familiar face at the next table. Screwing up my courage, I asked, “Excuse me. Aren’t you Marlin Fitzwater, the former White House press secretary?”

“Yes, I am,” he acknowledged, and graciously interrupted his lunch to talk to us.

As we were leaving the restaurant, I remarked to the hostess, “Do you know you have Marlin Fitzwater on the terrace?”

“I’m not sure about that,” she replied, “but we have Perrier and Evian at the bar.”

A policeman looked up to see a woman racing down the center of the road at 100 m.p.h. He pulled her over and said, “Hey, lady, would you mind telling me why you’re going so fast down the middle of the road?”

“Oh, it’s okay, Officer,” she replied. “I have a special license that allows me to drive like that.”

“Oh, yeah?” Let’s see it.” The cop looked at the license and then concluded, “Ma’am, there’s nothing special about this. It’s just a temporary license.”

“Look at the very bottom, though,” the woman insisted. “See? It says ‘Tear along the dotted line.'”

Rev up your engines and tell the crabgrass to look out. The 12th annual Mow Down, Show Down Lawn Mower Championship was held in Avon Park, Florida, bringing out the best and fastest in lawn-mower racing. It also brought out some colorful names.

Entrants included: Weedy Gonzales, Blading Saddles, Turfinator, Sodzilla and Mr. Mowjangles.

Hoss drove over to the next county to buy a new bull for the farm. It cost more than expected, and he was left with only one dollar. This was a problem, since he needed to let his wife, Sue, know that he’d bought the bull so she could come get it with the truck—and telegrams cost a dollar per word. Hoss thought hard for a minute. Finally he said, “All right. Here’s my dollar. Go ahead and just make it this one word: Comfortable.”

“How’s that going to get your point across?” the clerk asked, scratching his head.

“Don’t worry,” Hoss said. “Sue’s not the greatest reader. She’ll say it real slow.”

News that her third child was going to be a girl thrilled my cousin, who already had two boys. "My husband wants to call her Sunny," she told me, "and I want to give her Anna as her middle name in memory of my mom."

I thought they might want to reconsider their decision, since their birth announcement would herald the arrival of Sunny Anna Rainey.

There were only two people in line ahead of me at the electronics store, yet the wait was dragging on forever. Finally the customer behind me muttered, “Mr. Hare must be on vacation.”

Only then did I notice the name tag on the man at the register. It read: “Mr. Turtle, sales associate.”

Phil was driving down a country road late one night when he felt a big thud. He got out of the car and looked around, but the road was empty. Since there was nothing else to be done, Phil drove on home. In the morning the sheriff was standing at his doorstep. “You’re under arrest for hitting a pig and leaving the scene,” the lawman told him with a frown. “Please come with me.”

Phil couldn’t believe his ears. “But how could you possibly know that’s what happened?” he asked.

“It wasn’t hard,” the sheriff replied. “The pig squealed.”

Although I knew I had put on a few pounds, I didn’t consider myself overweight until the day I decided to clean my refrigerator. I sat on a chair in front of the appliance and reached in to wipe the back wall.

While I was in this position, my teenage son came into the kitchen. “Hi, Mom,” he said. “Whatcha doin’, having lunch?”

I started my diet that day.

Bad weather meant I was stuck overnight at O’Hare airport in Chicago. Along with hotel accommodations, the airline issued each passenger a $10 meal ticket, or “chit.” That evening after dinner I presented my meal ticket to the cashier.

“Is this chit worth $10?” I asked.

Looking up nervously, the cashier responded, “I’m sorry, sir. Was the meal that bad?”

My wife and I run a small restaurant where we often name our specials after our employees—dishes like “Chicken Mickey,” after our dishwasher who gave us the recipe, and “Rod’s Ribs,” after a waiter who had his personal style of barbecue. One evening after rereading the menu, I broke with this tradition and changed the description of the special we had named after our chef.

Despite her skills and excellent reputation, somehow I didn’t think an entrée named “Salmon Ella” would go over big with our customers.