101 Short Jokes Anyone Can Remember
For when you need the laughs to come fast.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”
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Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed a little space.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
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What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
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Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.
Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?
Because you should never drink and derive.
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.
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What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
What’s the different between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?
“Curses! Foil again!”
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
Thanks— I’ll never part with it!
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
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What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish?
This tastes a little funny.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the “P” is silent.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
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Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.
He kept leaving little messages around the house.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked at me surprised.
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How do poets say hello?
Hey, haven’t we metaphor? If you’re a word nerd, here are 20 grammar jokes that are hilarious.
What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings?
Any dog, because buildings can’t jump.
How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?
Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.
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What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?
A chicken sees a salad.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
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How do you throw a space party?
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Why did it get so hot in the baseball stadium after the game?
All of the fans left.
Why did the math textbook visit the guidance counselor?
It needed help figuring out its problems.
Talk is cheap?
Have you ever talked to a lawyer?
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Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine.
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Where do fish sleep?
In the riverbed.
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Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted. Now that you’ve learned 101 new short jokes to share with your friends, check out these classic Laffy Taffy jokes that will sweeten everyone’s day.