Funny Quotes

Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way. Steve Martin

The four most beautiful words in our common language: 
I told you so. Gore Vidal

I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure 
if I ever went there, I could get by. Bonnie McFarlane

I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish. Steven Wright

Red sky at night, shepherd’s 
delight. Blue sky at night, day. Humorist Tom Parry

The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form. Businessman Stanley Randall

If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works? @bridger_w 
(Bridger Winegar)

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so 
every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …” Demetri Martin

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace. @longwall26

A Canadian psychologist is 
selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog 
is smarter than you. Jay Leno

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet. Rita Rudner

Hate to break it to you, 
Facebook, but the entire Internet 
is already a Dislike button. @JoshGroban

How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have 
a huge clock right in the middle 
of the town. Jimmy Kimmel

Here’s some advice: At a job 
interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician. Comedian Adam Gropman

New York Times writer Amy Chozick giving an example of what 
it was like working for a fashion magazine: “A girl got on [the elevator] with a Birkin bag, and her friend goes, ‘Oh, my God, I love your bag; 
is that new?’ and she goes, ‘No, I got it, like, a week ago.’” Source: […]

Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does. anonymous

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon. Paula Poundstone

Whoever named 
it necking is a poor judge of anatomy. Groucho Marx

General Mills 
is coming out with an organic Twinkie. Isn’t that called a sponge? Jay Leno

Does it disturb anyone else that “The Los Angeles Angels” baseball team translates directly to “The The Angels Angels”? Neil DeGrasse Tyson

I don’t know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids. —Robert Brault

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve. —David Letterman

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law. —Jerry Seinfeld

“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” 
—Alcohol @yoyoha (Josh Hara)

Billy Corgan, the lead singer of the rock band Smashing Pumpkins, on the perils of life as a rock star: “I’ve moved on to other things. Obviously I love rock ’n’ roll, and I love music, but it’s nice to be in a world like professional wrestling, where I’m treated like a normal person.” From […]

There’s no “I” in denial. Peter Serafinowicz

How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery”? Jay Leno

If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress? Jon Stewart

What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon? Jerry Seinfeld

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell 
a highway it’s adopted? Zach Galifianakis

What should you do when 
you see an endangered animal 
eating an endangered plant? George Carlin

A hotel minibar allows you to 
see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020. Comedian Rich Hall

There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test. Source: The Dowager Countess (Maggie Smith), 
on Downton Abbey

Try an internship! Internships give you all the experience of a summer job without the hassle of a paycheck. Stephen Colbert

• There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She got her own TLC show. The end. —Ryan Anderson 
(@kolchak)   • I have never worked out the moral to Humpty Dumpty. Is it, “Don’t let horses perform medical procedures”?  —Ricky Gervais   • Cinderella’s 
fairy godmother turned her rags into a gown, […]

Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography. Comedian Paul Rodriguez

My kitchen floor is sticky, and 
I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers. Sarah Silverman

You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker. Zach Galifianakis

Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it. @meganamram

I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others. Comedian Mitch Hedberg