Funny Quotes

I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.

Steven Wright

Red sky at night, shepherd’s 
delight. Blue sky at night, day.

Humorist Tom Parry

The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.

Businessman Stanley Randall

If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works?

@bridger_w 
(Bridger Winegar)

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so 
every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …”

Demetri Martin

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

@longwall26

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

Jay Leno

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.

Rita Rudner

Hate to break it to you, 
Facebook, but the entire Internet 
is already a Dislike button.

@JoshGroban

How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have 
a huge clock right in the middle 
of the town.

Jimmy Kimmel

Here’s some advice: At a job 
interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.

Comedian Adam Gropman

New York Times writer Amy Chozick giving an example of what 
it was like working for a fashion magazine: “A girl got on [the elevator] with a Birkin bag, and her friend goes, ‘Oh, my God, I love your bag; 
is that new?’ and she goes, ‘No, I got it, like, a week ago.’”

Source: cosmopolitan.com

Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does.

anonymous

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.

Paula Poundstone

Whoever named 
it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.

Groucho Marx

General Mills 
is coming out with an organic Twinkie. Isn’t that called a sponge?

Jay Leno