Funny Quotes

I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.

Steven Wright

Red sky at night, shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night, day.

Humorist Tom Parry

The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.

Businessman Stanley Randall

If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works?

@bridger_w (Bridger Winegar)

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …”

Demetri Martin

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

@longwall26

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

Jay Leno

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.

Rita Rudner

Hate to break it to you, Facebook, but the entire Internet is already a Dislike button.

@JoshGroban

How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town.

Jimmy Kimmel

Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.

Comedian Adam Gropman

New York Times writer Amy Chozick giving an example of what it was like working for a fashion magazine: “A girl got on [the elevator] with a Birkin bag, and her friend goes, ‘Oh, my God, I love your bag; is that new?’ and she goes, ‘No, I got it, like, a week ago.’”

Source: cosmopolitan.com

Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does.

anonymous

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.

Paula Poundstone

Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.

Groucho Marx

General Mills is coming out with an organic Twinkie. Isn’t that called a sponge?

Jay Leno

Does it disturb anyone else that “The Los Angeles Angels” baseball team translates directly to “The The Angels Angels”?

Neil DeGrasse Tyson

I don’t know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids.

—Robert Brault

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.

—David Letterman

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.

—Jerry Seinfeld

“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol

@yoyoha (Josh Hara)

Billy Corgan, the lead singer of the rock band Smashing Pumpkins, on the perils of life as a rock star: “I’ve moved on to other things. Obviously I love rock ’n’ roll, and I love music, but it’s nice to be in a world like professional wrestling, where I’m treated like a normal person.”

From Rolling Stone

There’s no “I” in denial.

Peter Serafinowicz

How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Jay Leno

If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?

Jon Stewart

What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon?

Jerry Seinfeld

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?

Zach Galifianakis

What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

George Carlin

A hotel minibar allows you to see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.

Comedian Rich Hall

There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.

Source: The Dowager Countess (Maggie Smith), on Downton Abbey

Try an internship! Internships give you all the experience of a summer job without the hassle of a paycheck.

Stephen Colbert

• There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She got her own TLC show. The end. —Ryan Anderson (@kolchak)

• I have never worked out the moral to Humpty Dumpty. Is it, “Don’t let horses perform medical procedures”?  —Ricky Gervais

• Cinderella’s fairy godmother turned her rags into a gown, mice into horses, and a pumpkin into endless lattes for her and her BFFs to enjoy.
• Old McDonald was dyslexic, I-E-I-E-O.  —Billy Connolly

• And every six months, she would trade in her aging sheep for a new one. Because without a little lamb, Mary didn’t know who she was.    —@andrewhibbard

• My wife said she wanted a “fairy-tale romance,” so I’ve locked her in a tower. —@tonycowards

Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.

Comedian Paul Rodriguez

My kitchen floor is sticky, and I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers.

Sarah Silverman

You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

Zach Galifianakis

Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.

@meganamram

I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.

Comedian Mitch Hedberg

The head of the TSA resigned after about four years on the job. Here’s how much of America heard the news.

“[John Pistole retired today.] His employees toasted him with less than three ounces of champagne. Then they gave him a gold watch, and he had to take it off and put it in a bin.” —Conan O’Brien, on Conan

“He actually stepped down a while ago, but he’s been going through security for three and a half years.” —Jimmy Fallon, on The Tonight Show

• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford

• Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office. —Shirley Maclaine

• Never board a commercial aircraft if the pilot is wearing a tank top. —Dave Barry

• Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. You may need this person to finish a sentence. —Erma Bombeck

• Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information. —Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding

• Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper. —Quentin Crisp

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.

Andy Borowitz

The holiday season:a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

Dave Barry

This mall Santa seems insulted that I put down that protective paper before sitting on his lap.

Conan O’Brien

Boy, what a bad guy that guy is, that Vladimir Putin. Obama is really getting tough with him. Now he’s wearing a much more aggressive shade of beige.

David Letterman

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Demetri Martin

My parents used to stuff me with candy when I was a kid. M&M’s, Jujubes, SweeTarts. I don’t think they wanted a child; I think they wanted a piñata.

Wendy Liebman

I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped eating them when I realized that for me, it was basically cannibalism.

Rob O’Reilly

People always ask kids the same stupid questions. “What are you supposed to be?”

I’m supposed to be done by now. You wanna move it along with the 3 Musketeers?

Jerry Seinfeld

When it comes to candy bars, the term fun-sized is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being ⅛ the size of a regular bar. You should call them what they are: “disappointment-sized.”

Jimmy Kimmel

When I trace a turkey, it comes out looking exactly like my hand.

@ConanOBrien

A watched pot never boils, but it does get paranoid.
Lesley Wake

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in a library?
Lily Tomlin

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
George Carlin

Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
Ricky Gervais

The late comedian Mitch Hedberg said that he would write jokes by sitting around his hotel room thinking of things that cracked him up. “Then I go get a pen, and I write it down,” he said. “Or, if the pen’s too far away, I convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.”

I spent four years in college. I didn’t learn a thing. It was really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.

B. J. Novak, who says he was hired as a writer for The Office on the strength of the joke above.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Abraham Lincoln

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.

Theodore Roosevelt

Give me a one-handed economist! All my economists say, “On the one hand …on the other.”

Harry Truman

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency—even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.

—Ronald Reagan

Being president is like running a cemetery: You’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening.

Bill Clinton

People always ask me how long it takes to do my hair. I don’t know. I’m never there.

Dolly Parton

One time, a guy handed me a picture and said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger.

Comedian Mitch Hedberg

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

Mark Twain

Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business.

Jimmy Fallon

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

Rita Rudner

I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.

@jimmykimmel

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

—Jeff Valdez

I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don’t chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.

—Rodney Dangerfield

My dog was my soul mate; we both took naps, we both skipped lunch, we both hated the vacuum…

—Elayne Boosler

Don’t knock the weather. If it didn’t change once in a while, nine tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation.

Kin Hubbard