Funny Quotes- Short, Funny Sayings

Steve Martin on Success

Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way. Steve Martin

Gore Vidal on The Four Most Beautiful Words

The four most beautiful words in our common language:  I told you so. Gore Vidal

Bonnie McFarlane on The Toughest Language…

I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure  if I ever went there, I could get by. Bonnie McFarlane

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Steven Wright on Language Tapes

I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish. Steven Wright

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Tom Parry on Folk Wisdom

Red sky at night, shepherd’s  delight. Blue sky at night, day. Humorist Tom Parry

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A Businessman On Perfection…

The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form. Businessman Stanley Randall

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The Smell of Confusion

If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works? @bridger_w  (Bridger Winegar)

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Reading The Fifth

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so  every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …” Demetri Martin

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Couch Potatoes, Take Heart

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace. @longwall26

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Jay Leno on Pet Scams

A Canadian psychologist is  selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog  is smarter than you. Jay Leno

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Rita Rudner on The Perks of Dog Ownership

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet. Rita Rudner

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Antisocial Media

Hate to break it to you,  Facebook, but the entire Internet  is already a Dislike button. @JoshGroban

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Bloody Good Question

How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have  a huge clock right in the middle  of the town. Jimmy Kimmel

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Margin of Error

Here’s some advice: At a job  interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician. Comedian Adam Gropman

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What it’s Like to Work in Fashion

New York Times writer Amy Chozick giving an example of what  it was like working for a fashion magazine: “A girl got on [the elevator] with a Birkin bag, and her friend goes, ‘Oh, my God, I love your bag;  is that new?’ and she goes, ‘No, I got it, like, a week ago.’” Source: […]

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When a Black Hole Crosses Your Path

Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does. anonymous

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Paula Poundstone on Over-Sharing

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon. Paula Poundstone

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Groucho Marx on Make Outs

Whoever named  it necking is a poor judge of anatomy. Groucho Marx

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Jay Leno on Twinkies

General Mills  is coming out with an organic Twinkie. Isn’t that called a sponge? Jay Leno

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Poor Sport

Does it disturb anyone else that “The Los Angeles Angels” baseball team translates directly to “The The Angels Angels”? Neil DeGrasse Tyson

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Robert Brault on Halloween

I don’t know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids. —Robert Brault

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David Letterman on Halloween

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve. —David Letterman

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“Come Out With Your Pants Up!”

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law. —Jerry Seinfeld

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Drunkard’s Law

“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.”  —Alcohol @yoyoha (Josh Hara)

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Despite All His Rage…

Billy Corgan, the lead singer of the rock band Smashing Pumpkins, on the perils of life as a rock star: “I’ve moved on to other things. Obviously I love rock ’n’ roll, and I love music, but it’s nice to be in a world like professional wrestling, where I’m treated like a normal person.” From […]

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