Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.
I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by.
I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.
The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.
Businessman Stanley Randall
If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works?
@bridger_w (Bridger Winegar)
I’m writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …”
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
Hate to break it to you, Facebook, but the entire Internet is already a Dislike button.
How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town.
Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.
Comedian Adam Gropman
New York Times writer Amy Chozick giving an example of what it was like working for a fashion magazine: “A girl got on [the elevator] with a Birkin bag, and her friend goes, ‘Oh, my God, I love your bag; is that new?’ and she goes, ‘No, I got it, like, a week ago.’”
Does it disturb anyone else that “The Los Angeles Angels” baseball team translates directly to “The The Angels Angels”?
Neil DeGrasse Tyson
I don’t know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids.
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
Billy Corgan, the lead singer of the rock band Smashing Pumpkins, on the perils of life as a rock star: “I’ve moved on to other things. Obviously I love rock ’n’ roll, and I love music, but it’s nice to be in a world like professional wrestling, where I’m treated like a normal person.”
From Rolling Stone