A Trusted Friend in a Complicated World

Funny Quotes

Our collection of hilarious quotes will have everyone laughing.

These funny quotes and sayings may have been coined by someone else, but their funny motivational quotes and witty words will make everyone laugh!

Clothed While Doing Laundry

Spotted on a Laundromat corkboard: “Please keep clothes on while doing laundry.” —Sue Connor

Steve Martin on Success

Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way. Steve Martin

Gore Vidal on The Four Most Beautiful Words

The four most beautiful words in our common language: 
I told you so. Gore Vidal

Bonnie McFarlane on The Toughest Language…

I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by. Bonnie McFarlane

Steven Wright on Language Tapes

I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish. Steven Wright

Tom Parry on Folk Wisdom

Red sky at night, shepherd’s 
delight. Blue sky at night, day. Humorist Tom Parry

A Businessman On Perfection…

The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form. Businessman Stanley Randall

The Smell of Confusion

If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works? @bridger_w (Bridger...

Reading The Fifth

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so 
every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody ...” Demetri Martin

Couch Potatoes, Take Heart

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace. @longwall26

Jay Leno on Pet Scams

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is...

Rita Rudner on The Perks of Dog Ownership

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet. Rita Rudner

Antisocial Media

Hate to break it to you, 
Facebook, but the entire Internet 
is already a Dislike button. @JoshGroban

Bloody Good Question

How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have 
a huge clock right in the middle 
of the town. Jimmy Kimmel

Margin of Error

Here’s some advice: At a job 
interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician. Comedian Adam Gropman

What it’s Like to Work in Fashion

New York Times writer Amy Chozick giving an example of what it was like working for a fashion magazine: “A girl got on [the elevator] with a Birkin bag, and...

When a Black Hole Crosses Your Path

Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does. anonymous

Paula Poundstone on Over-Sharing

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon. Paula Poundstone

Groucho Marx on Make Outs

Whoever named 
it necking is a poor judge of anatomy. Groucho Marx

Jay Leno on Twinkies

General Mills 
is coming out with an organic Twinkie. Isn’t that called a sponge? Jay Leno

Poor Sport

Does it disturb anyone else that “The Los Angeles Angels” baseball team translates directly to “The The Angels Angels”? Neil DeGrasse Tyson

Robert Brault on Halloween

I don't know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids. —Robert Brault

David Letterman on Halloween

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve. —David Letterman

“Come Out With Your Pants Up!”

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that's the law. —Jerry Seinfeld

Drunkard’s Law

“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” 
—Alcohol @yoyoha (Josh Hara)

Despite All His Rage…

Billy Corgan, the lead singer of the rock band Smashing Pumpkins, on the perils of life as a rock star: “I’ve moved on to other things. Obviously I love rock...

Peter Serafinowicz, on Denial

There's no “I” in denial. Peter Serafinowicz

A Tough Question, by Jay Leno

How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery”? Jay Leno

A Tough Question, by Jon Stewart

If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress? Jon Stewart

A Tough Question, by Jerry Seinfeld

What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon? Jerry Seinfeld

A Tough Question, by Zach Galifianakis

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell 
a highway it’s adopted? Zach Galifianakis

A Tough Question, by George Carlin

What should you do when 
you see an endangered animal 
eating an endangered plant? George Carlin

Hotel Time-Travel

A hotel minibar allows you to 
see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020. Comedian Rich Hall

Maggie Smith on Annoying People

There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test. Source: The Dowager Countess (Maggie Smith), 
on Downton Abbey

Stephen Colbert on Internships

Try an internship! Internships give you all the experience of a summer job without the hassle of a paycheck. Stephen Colbert

Fractured Fairy Tales

• There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She got her own TLC show. The end. —Ryan Anderson (@kolchak) • I have never worked out the moral...

The Meaning of War

Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography. Comedian Paul Rodriguez

Sarah Silverman on Cleaning House

My kitchen floor is sticky, and 
I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers. Sarah Silverman

Zach Galifianakis on Laundry

You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker. Zach Galifianakis

Megan Amram on Mystery

Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it. @meganamram

Hedberg on Highlights

I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others. Comedian Mitch Hedberg

Airport Insecurity

The head of the TSA resigned after about four years on the job. Here’s how much of America heard the news. “[John Pistole retired today.] His employees toasted him with...

Notable Never-isms

• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford • Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for...

Mazel Tov, Mary!

Christmas is a baby shower that 
went totally 
overboard. Andy Borowitz

Christmas Freedom

The holiday 
a deeply religious 
time that each of us 
observes, in his own way, by going to the 
 mall of his choice. Dave Barry

Insulting Santa

This mall 
Santa seems insulted that I put down that protective paper before sitting on his lap. Conan O'Brien

Say it With Your Pants

Boy, what a bad guy that guy is, that Vladimir Putin. Obama is really getting tough with him. Now he’s wearing a much more aggressive shade of beige. David Letterman

Or Maybe While Breakdancing

The worst time to have a heart 
attack is during a game of charades. Demetri Martin

A Colorful Diet

My parents used to stuff me with candy when I was a kid. M&M’s, Jujubes, SweeTarts. I don’t think they wanted a child; I think they wanted a piñata. Wendy...

You Are What Your Eat

I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped eating them when I realized that for me, it was basically cannibalism. Rob O’Reilly

I'm a Busy Ghost, People

People always ask kids the same stupid questions. “What are you supposed to be?” I’m supposed to be done by now. You wanna move it along with the 3 Musketeers?...

A Fun-Size Quibble

When it comes to candy bars, the term fun-sized is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being ⅛ the size of a regular bar. You should call...

A Thanksgiving Problem

When I trace a turkey, it comes out looking exactly like my hand. @ConanOBrien

A Watched Pot Never Boils…

A watched pot never boils, but it does get paranoid. Lesley Wake

If Truth Be Beauty…

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in a library? Lily Tomlin

If You Can't Beat 'Em…

If you can’t beat them, arrange 
to have them beaten. George Carlin

Where There's A Will…

Where there’s a will, there’s a relative. Ricky Gervais

A Method to His Mitchness

The late comedian Mitch Hedberg said that he would write jokes by sitting around his hotel room thinking of things that cracked him up. “Then I go get a pen,...

Psyched Out

I spent four years in college. I didn’t learn a thing. It was really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology. B. J. Novak,...

Honestly Kind of Fugly Abe

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? Abraham Lincoln

Speak Softly, Kick Gently

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for 
a month. Theodore Roosevelt

Five-Finger Flip-Flop

Give me a one-handed economist! 
All my 
economists say, “On the one hand ...
on the other.” Harry Truman

Wake The Prez

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency—even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting. —Ronald Reagan

Right to Ignore

Being president is like 
running a cemetery: You’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening. Bill Clinton

Portable Primping

People always ask me how long 
it takes to do my hair. I don’t know. I’m never there. Dolly Parton

Camera Nostalgia

One time, a guy handed me a picture and said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger. Comedian Mitch...

When I Was a Boy of 14…

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I...

Father’s Day is Important Because…

Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business. Jimmy Fallon

I Gave My Father $100…

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother. Rita Rudner

The Burn of Solitude

I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back. @jimmykimmel

Cats Are Smarter

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. —Jeff Valdez

How Lazy is He???

I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don't chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers. —Rodney Dangerfield

A Dog is More Than A Friend

My dog was my soul mate; we both took naps, we both skipped lunch, we both hated the vacuum... —Elayne Boosler