Jokes

Funny Quotes

Bonnie McFarlane on The Toughest Language…

I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure 
if I ever went there, I could get by.

Bonnie McFarlane

Steven Wright on Language Tapes

I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.

Steven Wright

The Smell of Confusion

If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works?

@bridger_w 
(Bridger Winegar)

What it’s Like to Work in Fashion

New York Times writer Amy Chozick giving an example of what 
it was like working for a fashion magazine: “A girl got on [the elevator] with a Birkin bag, and her friend goes, ‘Oh, my God, I love your bag; 
is that new?’ and she goes, ‘No, I got it, like, a week ago.’”

Source: cosmopolitan.com

Despite All His Rage…

Billy Corgan, the lead singer of the rock band Smashing Pumpkins, on the perils of life as a rock star: “I’ve moved on to other things. Obviously I love rock ’n’ roll, and I love music, but it’s nice to be in a world like professional wrestling, where I’m treated like a normal person.”

From Rolling Stone

Fractured Fairy Tales

• There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She got her own TLC show. The end. —Ryan Anderson 
(@kolchak)

 

• I have never worked out the moral to Humpty Dumpty. Is it, “Don’t let horses perform medical procedures”?  —Ricky Gervais

 

• Cinderella’s 
fairy godmother turned her rags into a gown, mice into horses, and 
a pumpkin into endless lattes for her and her BFFs to enjoy.
• Old McDonald was dyslexic, 
I-E-I-E-O.  —Billy Connolly

 

• And every six months, she would trade in her aging sheep for a new one. Because without a little lamb, Mary didn’t know who she was.    —@andrewhibbard

 

• My wife said she wanted 
a “fairy-tale romance,” so I’ve locked her in a tower. —@tonycowards

Airport Insecurity

The head of the TSA resigned after about four years on the job. Here’s how much of America heard the news.

“[John Pistole retired today.] His employees toasted him with less than three ounces of champagne. Then they gave him a gold watch, and he had to take it off and put it in a bin.” —Conan O’Brien, on Conan

“He actually stepped down a while ago, but he’s been going through 
security for three and a half years.” —Jimmy Fallon, on The Tonight Show

Notable Never-isms

• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford

• Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office. —Shirley Maclaine

• Never board 
a commercial 
aircraft if the 
pilot is wearing 
a tank top. —Dave Barry

• Never be in a 
hurry to terminate a marriage. You 
may need this person to finish a sentence. —Erma Bombeck

• Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information. —Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding

• Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper. —Quentin 
Crisp

A Fun-Size Quibble

When it comes 
to candy bars, the term fun-sized 
is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being ⅛ the size of a regular bar. You should call them what they are: 
“disappointment-sized.”

Jimmy Kimmel

A Method to His Mitchness

The late comedian Mitch 
Hedberg said that he would write jokes by sitting around his hotel room thinking of things that cracked him up. “Then I go get a pen, and 
I write it down,” he said. “Or, if the pen’s too far away, I convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.”

Psyched Out

I spent four years in 
college. I didn’t learn 
a thing. It was really 
my own fault. I had 
a double major 
in psychology 
and reverse 
psychology.

B. J. Novak, who says he was 
hired as a writer 
for The Office 
on the strength 
of the joke above.

Camera Nostalgia

One time, a guy handed me a 
picture and said, “Here’s a picture 
of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger.

Comedian Mitch Hedberg

My Food’s Food

“There must be a mistake: you’ve accidentally given me the food my food eats.” —Ron Swanson, when given a plate of vegetables

Parks and Recreation

Composing An Insult

How classical maestros also used their batons to stab each other in the back:

•“If he had been making shell 
casings during the war, it might 
have made for better music.”
Camille Saint-Saëns, on Maurice Ravel

•“Wagner has beautiful moments but awful quarters of an hour.”
Gioachino Rossini, on Richard Wagner

•“I liked the opera very much. 
Everything but the music.”
Benjamin Britten, on Igor Stravinsky

—Source: classicfm.com

Research has Found…

Research has found that because it makes you think positive thoughts, throwing salt over your shoulder can actually prevent bad luck. Or at least give you better luck than the guy behind you.

—Jimmy Fallon

Explaining Appetizers

It would be kinda embarrassing trying to explain what an appetizer is to someone from a starving country. “Yeah, the appetizer. That’s the food we eat before we have our food … No, no, you’re thinking of dessert. That’s food we eat after we have our food.”

Jim Gaffigan

Teach A Man to Kvetch…

Comedian Daniel Tosh is no fan 
of the expression “The worst day 
of fishing is better than the 
best day at work.”

“I’ve watched The Deadliest 
Catch on Discovery,” 
he said. “I’ve never once 
been at work, capsized in 
40-degree water, watched all my coworkers die, and been like, ‘Hey, at least we’re fishin’.’”

Words Save Lives

It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my good friends would still be living.

—Comedian John McDowell

New York Strait of Mind

“The New York City Department of Education says that only 26 percent of the city’s students in grades three through eight passed the English portion on a recent standardized test. But on the bright side, they’re too bad at math to realize how bad that is.”

—Jimmy Fallon

Founding Fallacy

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.

—Stephen Colbert

Diet: Day Two

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

—Jackie Gleason

Doctor’s Orders

The doctor says to the patient, “Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window.”

“What will that do?” asks the patient.

The doctor says, “I’m mad at my neighbor!”

—Jack Benny

A Diamond Key

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

—Joan Rivers

16 Feet Later

You can measure distance by time. “How far away is it?” “Oh, about 20 minutes.” But it doesn’t work the other way. “When do you get off work?” “Around three miles.”

—Jerry Seinfeld

I Hate Housework

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.

—Joan Rivers

The Cat Bath

I gave my cat a bath the other day … they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, and it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that …

—Steve Martin

I Don’t Get No Respect

I don’t get no respect from anyone. I bought some rat poison, the girl asked me, “Should I wrap it up or are you gonna eat it here?”

—Rodney Dangerfield

When Life Hands You Lemons…

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade … And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

—Ron White

Cross Country Trip

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, “Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami.”

She said, “We can’t do that!” I told her, “You did it last week!”

—Jack Benny

Growing Pains

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

—George Burns

No. 1 Fear

According to most studies, people’s No. 1 fear is public speaking. No. 2 is death. Death is No. 2. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

—Jerry Seinfeld

Engagement Woes

You get all excited to give her the ring, and it’s real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries.And a second later, you’re like, “Damn, I could have had a car.”

—Marc Maron

Step By Step

When people go through something rough in life, they say, “I’m taking it one day at a time.” Yes, so is everybody. Because that’s how time works.

—Hannibal Buress

What Poor Timing

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.

—Garrison Keillor

Six Degrees of Separation

The Internet also makes it extraordinarily difficult for me to focus. One small break to look up exactly how almond milk is made, and four hours later I’m reading about the Donner Party and texting all my friends: Did you guys know about the Donner Party and how messed up that was? Text me back so we can talk about it!

—Mindy Kaling

Diaper Duty

The baby is great. My wife and I have just started potty training. Which I think is important because when we want to potty train the baby, we should set an example.

—Howie Mandell

Wasn’t Me

Responsible? Who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it’s always, “Who’s responsible for this?”

—Jerry Seinfeld

Parental Warning

My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, “You know, I brought you into this world, and I can take you out. And it don’t make no difference to me. I’ll make another one look just like you.”

—Bill Cosby

Come on, Science

It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got Saran Wrap—FIX IT!!!

—Lewis Black

Lincoln on Lock Down

I don’t know if you’ve ever had only five dollars in the bank, but guess what–you can’t get it out. You can’t. You can visit your five dollars, you can call it on the phone, but you can’t get it out.

—Louis C.K.

The Obituary of Martin Levine

“Martin Levine, owner of a movie theater chain in New York City, has passed away at age 65,” read the newspaper obit. “The funeral will be held on Thursday at 2:10, 4:20, 6:30, 8:40, and 10:50.”

—Merrill Markoe

10 Quotes About Springtime

“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party'””
–Robin Williams

“The weather here is gorgeous. It’s mild and feels like it’s in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.”
–David Letterman

“In the spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt.”
–Margaret Atwood

“If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome.”
— Josh Billings

“Flowers are the sweetest things God ever made and forgot to put a soul into.”
— Henry Ward Beecher

“Gardens and flowers have a way of bringing people together, drawing them from their homes.”
— Clare Ansberry

“The earth laughs in flowers.”
— e e cummings

“At my age flowers scare me.”
— George Burns

“If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.”
— Doug Larsen

“A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.”
— H. L Mencken

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