These funny statistics about Americans will have you laughing—and we guarantee they're 100% true
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People would date their pets if they could
If dogs or cats were human, 31% of their owners would date them, according to a MetLife survey, inspired by a viral TikTok trend where people used AI to create a human version of their furry friend.
On the flip side, close to 40% of people said their pet would be a “walking red flag” if they were a person, citing their fur baby would need constant attention (42%), be too clingy (32%), isn’t great with boundaries (30%), is easily jealous or territorial (29%) and moody or temperamental (25%).
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Using a coupon on a first date is sexy
Speaking of dating, get a load of this funny statistic: Coupons on a first date aren’t a deal breaker for 56% of Americans, reports a Talker Research poll. In fact, 28% of those singles surveyed consider frugality to be “sexy” and find budget-conscious partners more attractive. But daters do have their limits when it comes to first date thriftiness. For instance, skipping on tipping and refusing to spend money on any experiences are two traits that can put the kibosh on a second date. Why? These actions can pinpoint someone as being downright “cheap” versus “frugal.”
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There are aliens among us
How’s this for an out-of-this-world funny statistic? One in three, or 33% of Americans, think aliens are living among us in disguise, and 39% suspect their boss is one of them, a Talker Research survey found. However, not everyone is convinced, with 41% disagreeing with the idea that non-Earthlings co-exist with us, while 22% remain unsure.
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Folks are open to gardening in the buff
In certain situations, a vast majority of Americans seem to be less prudish about being nude, according to a YouGov poll. When asked what they think of being naked in public, 89% say they’d be comfortable in their birthday suit at a private nudist site and 79% at a public nudist beach. Another 63% say it’s perfectly acceptable to be naked in their own garden and 58% think it should be legal to do so.
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Americans believe they alone will survive the apocalypse
Thirty-four percent of Americans are confident they’ll be the only survivor of the apocalypse, reveals a OnePoll survey. Out of those quizzed, 54% believe they’ll be the last one standing because of their strong survival skills, while 53% say their adaptability is what will make them outlast everyone come Doomsday. If they had to assemble the ideal “dream team” to help them get through the apocalypse, those polled would choose Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (43%), Chuck Norris (36%), Superman (33%), John Cena (26%) and MacGyver (23%). Quite a lineup!
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No doing number two in the office loo
Two-thirds of Americans, or 66%, are so poop-shy at work, they hold it in to avoid using their workplace restroom, according to a survey commissioned by MiraLAX®. The stress associated with not wanting to do number two at work has caused 64% of employees to become constipated, a phenomenon dubbed “workstipation.”
The survey also found 71% are simply uncomfortable using their office bathroom because they feel self-conscious about bad smells, someone getting a peek at them through the bathroom stall gap and embarrassing sounds they may make while pooping. As a result, 63% admit they use a restroom outside of their workplace during the day to avoid making use of the office lavatory.
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Many escape to the john for a moment of zen
Here’s another funny statistic concerning toilet time: 51% of all Americans sit on their toilet, whether they have to go or not, just to get some peace and quiet, according to a OnePoll survey. Not a shocker, the more people in the house, the more frequently someone feels the need to hide out in the bathroom. The survey found parents with children still living in the house are three times as likely to seek refuge in their restroom compared to singles without children (62% vs. 23%).
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We’re haunted
More than 40% of Americans believe their house is haunted, citing they’ve experienced some kind of paranormal activity at home, according to a poll by All Star Home. In particular, 42% have felt the presence of someone or something they couldn’t see, 37% heard unexplained sounds such as footsteps or spooky voices and 19% say they’ve actually seen an apparition or ghostly figure in their residence.
Besides seeing ghosts, strange shadows, and hearing odd noises, other common reported inexplicable occurrences include animals acting weirdly, catching whiffs of unaccountable or unusual smells and witnessing lights mysteriously turning on and off. Not entirely surprising is that these reported events seemed to take place in old homes, with the average age of the home clocking in at 88 years.
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This home décor gives people the creeps
One survey by Real Estate Witch found there are certain decorations in homes that freak Americans out. These include walking into a home and seeing a large number of dolls (40%), gothic furnishings (39%), dim lighting (36%), taxidermy/animal heads (34%) and old paintings or portraits (33%). Black paint, peeling wallpaper, and unfinished basements are some other interior decorating choices people also find eerie.
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Drinking and shopping don’t mix
If you’ve had a few too many, it’s probably a good idea to leave your shopping for a more sober moment. That’s because, according to a survey by financial information company Finder, shopping after boozing could end up leaving you with more than a hangover. In fact, the study found 17% of Americans shop while under the influence, spending roughly $309 each. While that might not sound like a lot, this equates to a whopping total of $14 billion over the course of 12 months.
What are people buying while buzzed? Shoes, clothes or accessories and food top the list, with 47% of people buying in each of these categories. While those purchases may not break the bank, a few too many glasses of vino may get you in a bit of trouble. According to the poll, the most expensive drunk shopping purchase is motor vehicles, at an average spend of $2,038.
Another interesting stat?: Those living in the western U.S. engage in the most drunk shopping (20%), followed by the South (18%), the Northeast (17%) and the Midwest (15%).
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Leave the baby talk for … babies
Engaging in “baby talk” to an actual baby is tolerable for 52% of people, but 75% find using that same type of higher-pitched, sing-songy voice to talk to other adults annoying, according to a YouGov poll.
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Chatbots matter, too
Being nice and polite to chatbots is something Americans think is the right thing to do. Close to half (46%) of those polled in a YouGov survey believe people should treat AI chatbots with respect, including, saying “please” and “thank you,” even though they’re not human.
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Garages aren’t for cars anymore
According to a Stanley Black & Decker CRAFTSMAN® brand survey, there are over 82 million garages in the U.S., but instead of storing cars, they’re full of household clutter. Thirty-six percent of people said their garage is so packed, they can’t even park their vehicle inside, and 62% feel their garage is the untidiest area of their house. Besides storing various tools and outdoor equipment, Americans use their garages to house stuff for DIY projects, including arts and crafts materials.
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The small stuff is working most people’s last nerve
When Americans were asked by Talker Research about the small everyday things that annoy them the most, 46% said it’s seeing someone they don’t want to talk to, 44% said getting a knock on the door when they’re not prepared for guests, 43% have short patience for people talking to them when they want silence, and 40% each say it’s when Wi-Fi lags or cuts out or having to listen to someone’s loud chewing. Runners up included unexpected phone calls (34%), someone else’s heavy breathing (25%), their alarm clock going off (21%), text message alerts (16%) and their phone or notifications going off during a meeting (15%).
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Americans skip the fine print
Though 100% of people in survey by Security.org said they usually read user agreements, terms of service, and privacy policies before signing off, the survey’s findings indicate otherwise. In fact, 98% of smartphone owners signed off on a bogus consent form offering the naming rights of their firstborn child, while less than 2% caught on to the prank.
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We’re a nation of sandwich swipers
If you’ve ever gone to the office fridge to get your lunch only to find it missing, you’re part of the 47% of workers who have been the victims of food theft, according to a survey from the career source website Zippia.com. Chalk this up to the 33% of American employees who admit to taking a co-worker’s lunch without permission, along with drinks that don’t belong to them, such as sodas, special coffees, Red Bulls and juices.
The nationwide survey found some states have higher rates of food theft at work than others. Alaska came out on top for the worst state in which to have your lunch lifted (64.3%), followed by Indiana (60%), Louisiana (60%) and Kansas (55.6%). States that reported 0% lunch theft were Minnesota, Mississippi, North Dakota, Rhode Island and Vermont. Regardless, it’s still a good idea to label your lunch to try and ward off any potential pilferers.
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A secret clique is in charge of the planet
There are a lot of conspiracy theories out there, but this one is a doozy. Regardless of who is in charge of the government and other organizations, 41% of people think there’s a sole group of individuals who secretly control events and rule the world together, a YouGov poll found.
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Many would choose money over love
It turns out Americans will go to pretty great lengths for a million dollars. According to a survey by Gamblizard, 43% are willing leave their romantic partner in exchange for $1 million, and for $33 million, 81% would embarrass or humiliate themselves on live TV or social media, and 46% would enter a real-life version of Squid Game, despite the game’s 99.8% death rate. Scary!
Of course, there are some limits to what people will do for a money windfall. For example, 54% said they’d reject the million if their parents were controlling the money, 38% would hesitate if accepting it meant their enemy would also profit, 21% value their access to social media more, while 10% would turn down the money entirely if they couldn’t show or tell anyone about their millionaire status.
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We have regrets
It happens to the best of us, whether it’s forgetting someone’s name or tripping in public, landing yourself in an embarrassing situation from time to time is a part of life. But there are some super uncomfortable moments that rank higher than others. When asked by a YouGov poll, 35% of those surveyed say they’d feel extremely awkward if they accidentally sent a gossipy message to the subject of the gossip, 30% if they had to watch a sex scene in a movie with a parent, 22% if they clogged a toilet and 17% if they told a joke met with silence. On the topic of jokes, here’s 113 Best Jokes of All Time to crack up kids and adults alike.
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We’re not above faking busyness to fool the boss
According to a study from Resume Now, 58% of workers admit to regularly “ghostworking,” or rather, pretending to work while on the job, while 34% say they do it occasionally. The more common ghostworking tactics to looking busy are strolling around the office with a notebook (23%), typing randomly to appear endlessly engaged (22%), while 15% of workers either keep a spreadsheet open while browsing unrelated content, or hold a phone to their ear when there’s no real call. Another 12% schedule fake meetings to block out time to dodge real tasks. Among other things, this form of fake productivity lends itself to masking job hunting on company time, which 92% of employees fess up to.
Why trust us
At Reader’s Digest, we’re committed to producing high-quality content by writers with expertise and experience in their field in consultation with relevant, qualified experts. We rely on reputable primary sources, including government and professional organizations and academic institutions as well as our writers’ personal experiences where appropriate. For this piece on funny statistics, Marcy Lovitch tapped her experience as a longtime writer and research editor who has worked at Glamour, Marie Claire, Good Housekeeping, Real Simple, Family Circle and more. We verify all facts and data, back them with credible sourcing and revisit them over time to ensure they remain accurate and up to date. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
Sources:
- MetLife: “Would You Date Your Pet as a Human?”
- Studyfinds.org: “Is it OK to use coupons on a first date? Most Americans Now Say Yes!”
- Talker: “Research reveals 1 out of 3 Americans thinks aliens live among us.”
- YouGov: “What do Americans think of public nudity?”
- Studyfinds.org: “Surviving the apocalypse: 1 in 3 Americans confident they’ll be the last one standing.”
- Business Wire: “‘Workstipation’ is Real: New MiraLAX® Survey Reveals Two-Thirds of Americans ‘Hold it in’ to Avoid Pooping at Work.”
- Studyfinds.org: “Red, White, and BOO! 1 in 6 Americans believe their home is haunted!”
- Real Estate Witch: Haunted House Survey, September 2024.
- Finder.com: “America’s drunk shopping habit at $14 billion.”
- YouGov: “Do you find ‘baby talk’ voice annoying when adults use it to talk to other babies?”
- YouGov: “Do you find ‘baby talk’ voice annoying when adults use it to talk to other adults?”
- YouGov: “Do you think people should be polite to AI chatbots, for example by saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you?’
- Craftsman: “Take Back Your Garage: How Do Americans Feel About Their Garages?”
- Talker: “Americans lose it over these tiny everyday annoyances.”
- Security.org: Digital Privacy survey.
- Studyfinds.org: “Half of Americans hide out in the bathroom for alone time – even if they don’t have to go!”
- Zippia.com: “Survey: 33% of Workers Admit to Stealing Food From Coworkers.”
- YouGov: “Which conspiracy theories do Americans believe?”
- Studyfinds.org: “Would you leave your partner for $1 Million? 43% of Americans say they would!”
- YouGov: “How tolerant are Americans of awkward situations?”
- Resume Now: Ghostworking Report, 2025.
