7 Things You Can Learn From the Dumbest WikiHow Articles
The popular how-to website can be a lifesaver—except for when it doles out bizarre, hyper-specific advice no one really needs. These silly step-by-steps are more entertaining than instructive.
The art of arrogance
“How to Be Cocky” is every wannabe narcissist’s dream, with helpful tips for showcasing your best features (“If you’ve got great, muscly arms, wear short sleeves to have the ladies swooning”) and gesturing boldly (“If someone asks you which way is North, instead of feebly pointing with a finger held close to your body, extend your entire arm.”) Would you expect anything less from an article that encourages you to “take it for granted that everyone loves you”?
Teddy bear-human interaction
Surprisingly, “How to Play with Your Teddy Bear” is more than one step long. It provides season-specific play tips, such as picnicking during summer and traipsing through leaf piles in the fall. In the cold of winter, the author warns, “make sure that they’re dressed properly or else they could get sick. If this happens, give them lots of rest and some warm soup, along with medicine.”
Are you thrilled to be dating a musician, but bummed that you have to hang out at his or her jam sessions? “How to Entertain Yourself During Band Practice” has you covered: You can play Sudoku, invite the other band members’ girlfriends for company, or whip up some “delicious and nutritious snacks” for the guys. If all else fails, the article recommends bailing on practice with a made-up excuse “such as, ‘I have to do laundry tonight.'” Inspired.
A musical skill you never considered
As far as how-to guides go, “How to Create Sounds with Your Armpit” is solid—its detailed instructions are even accompanied by photos of a bare-chested man acting them out. The author also offers such helpful commentary as “This is funny with a wet hand” and “Putting a straw underneath your armpit and blowing is good comedy also.” Aspiring comedians, take note.
A great escape
With “How to Run Away From Home,” fleeing your despotic parents has never been easier. The article first cautions against this tactic, advising a pro-con list to evaluate whether running away is really the best decision. Once you’ve gathered up the resolve, though, the author’s tips flow freely—most notably, “You’ll probably begin to need money at some point, so learn how to panhandle,” and “Leave a note so your parents know you weren’t kidnapped. Don’t give away too much information, though!”
New places to alienate strangers
The elevator, one of those few sanctified spaces in which you’re unlikely to be hassled or spoken to, is no longer safe. “How to Annoy People in Elevators” encourages readers to play elevator attendant, talk to an invisible friend, passionately make out with a partner, or “wear a shirt with the word ‘LIFE’ written on it and hand people lemons.” The real fun begins when the elevator stalls between floors.
The illusion of immortality
For the person with gullible friends, there’s “How to Make People Think You’re Immortal.” In what appears to be an incredibly high-effort prank, this article offers simple suggestions—dressing in period fashions, acting mysterious, and cultivating a slight accent—as well as highly demanding ones, such as developing “a profound fascination with art and architecture from across all different ages” and learning ancient languages. Hats off to anyone willing to commit to this level of deceit.