10 Silent Signs You Have Intimacy Issues

You’re angry—a lot

There are many types of anger, and it helps to figure out what type you’re expressing. A deep, subconscious fear of intimacy can rear its ugly head, showing up in response to a relationship that is becoming uncomfortably close, and one way this fear can manifest is via anger.

“Constant explosions of anger indicate immaturity, and immature people cannot form intimate relationships,” says John Mayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist at Doctor On Demand. Everyone gets angry sometimes, but if you find feelings of anger bubbling up constantly or inappropriately, a fear of intimacy may be lurking underneath.

The fix may not be easy or quick, but communicating your feelings to your partner can help. “Talking it out is key here. Foster vigorous, frequent, honest and open communication. Don’t deny these intimacy issues exist, and put them on the table with the person you are interested in,” suggests Mayer.

You’re afraid of not being perfect

We all want to be loved for who we are—the good and the bad—but that takes trust and the ability to risk rejection. “People in relationships are constantly asking themselves, in one way or another, if they can trust the other person. Can they show their flaws, or risk being embarrassed? The way to move past this fear is to take measured risks,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Jenn Kennedy.

Being loved for who you really are is an incredible gift, but you have to show your partner the real you if it’s ever going to happen. “Give your partner the chance to show up for you, and see how it works out. If it goes well, risk doing something bigger and more important,” suggests Kennedy, who also stresses the importance of verbalizing your fears and feelings.

“This is a great way to help the other person soften and be more open. For example, if you say ‘I’m afraid you won’t respect, love or find me attractive if I do this,’ it lets your partner express a willingness to not reject you,” she explains. Nobody’s perfect. No matter who you are or what you may have done in the past, coming clean about it will free you up, allowing emotional intimacy to take the place of fear.

You’re sexually immature

Maybe you love sex but can’t connect with your partner during the act. If so, your intimacy issues may be fostering a level of sexual immaturity, which has nothing to do with chronological age. “Sexual immaturity can show up as an excessive interest in porn, or in sex acts, as opposed to making love. Sexually immature individuals may also insist upon using toys or the accouterments of sex, rather than concentrating on their partner. It includes inattention to the other’s needs, and sole concentration on their own need for sexual release or gratification,” says Mayer.

People with a fear of intimacy may also recoil from sex altogether. Both ends of the spectrum display an inability to emotionally let go or to communicate intimately. Mayer suggests letting yourself be emotionally naked toward each other so that you are not afraid to bring up your fears and insecurities. If you can do this in all aspects of your life, it will be easier to do it sexually, as well. “Remember, by doing this, you are allowing the other person to get to know the real you, and that’s the best path to intimacy and love,” he explains.

You’re there in body, but not in spirit

You can share a home and still have intimacy issues. Maybe it’s the television that’s always on, even during dinner, or the video games you play incessantly on your own in the basement. You don’t have to be attached to your partner at the hip, but if you never take the time to talk to each other, fear of intimacy may be the reason.

“Simple, nonverbal ways to build intimacy include eye contact, staying off technology and being present for your partner. Physical contact, such as cuddling in the morning or a real hug when you come back together after work, can be especially powerful,” says Kennedy. “These expressions of intimacy communicate to the other person that they matter to you. It builds safety, which results in deeper intimacy,” she adds.

Your record precedes you

If looking back yields nothing but a steady stream of relationships that didn’t work out, your fear of intimacy may be to blame. Identifying negative patterns in your behavior can be painful, but it is essential for breaking free, says Kennedy. Dig deep, and look at all the important people in your life, not just your romantic partners, as fear of intimacy can also affect familial relationships and friendships.

“If you always prefer to spend time in groups, rather than one on one, that may represent a fear of intimacy,” says Kennedy. As reported in PsychAlive, fear of intimacy that runs this deep may have its roots in childhood. No one has a perfect upbringing, but if yours is getting in the way of your ability to be an adult, working it out with a therapist may be your best bet.

You prefer emotional affairs to your real-life relationship

If you find yourself talking through all the intimacy issues in your relationship with someone else, that alone may represent a fear of intimacy. This emotional relationship may be especially damaging if the person you’re confiding in is a potential sexual partner. It won’t matter if you’re connecting online, at the office or in a bar. What matters is that you’re not communicating honestly with your partner or working on your relationship.

“Emotional affairs are all about shattering trust. When you go behind your partner’s back and share information you wouldn’t dare talk about if your partner were standing there, that’s an emotional affair,” explains life coach and author David Essel. He warns that if you’re leaning on your emotional affair for support and validation, this is a big-time fear-of-intimacy red flag.

Even if you’re not having sex within your emotional affair partner, acknowledging that it is hurting your primary relationship is the best first step you can take toward rectifying the situation. Communicate honestly with your partner and yourself about what this connection represents to you, and recognize how much easier it is to be pretend-intimate with someone you hardly know, rather than going deep with the person you truly love.

You’re married to your job

Being a workaholic is not a badge of honor, but rather a powerful sign of emotional intimacy issues. Worse, long hours can be hard on your physical health. “When we bury ourselves in busy work, it might be because we are unconsciously avoiding intimacy. Many people who avoid intimacy do so because they are trying to dodge feelings of sadness, shame or anger. By staying busy all the time, you can easily ignore those feelings and avoid having to deal with them,” says A.J. Marsden, PhD, an assistant professor of human services and psychology at Beacon College.

“If you’ve been with your partner for a while, it’s easy to fall into a routine and evade intimate moments. Start a weekly date night, but alternate who gets to pick the activity each week. This helps you share your intimate interests, while at the same time staying in a rather positive environment,” says Marsden, who also suggests doing things together at home, such as cooking a meal or growing a garden. “While doing these activities, talk about what you like and don’t like, and ask each other questions,” she adds. It may also help to do nothing together, letting the day take you where it wants to go. Just make sure to keep your phones off and your communication skills on.

And don’t forget to make time for sex. Some recommend the 72-hour rule, suggesting that married couples have sex every three days. While there’s no one-size-fits-all answer for how long is too long without intimacy, sex is important in building intimacy in a relationship.

You’re wearing a mask

Maybe you’re an unending perfectionist and it’s ruining your life, or maybe you’re afraid to take off your mask and show fear, worry or concern. According to Marsden, another subtle sign of avoiding emotional intimacy is always being incredibly positive. “People who avoid intimacy want to be perceived by others as always being in a good mood, and never getting angry or upset about anything. By forcing this positivity all the time, you’re not sharing empathy, and therefore, are avoiding deep connections with others,” she explains.

This can also manifest as always needing to be the strong one, in every situation, or by being perfect all the time. These techniques all mask an inability to show your true “warts-and-all” self to others. “By not allowing others to see your vulnerability or mistakes, they are less likely to grow close to you.”

You keep your partner away from your people

Can’t stand the thought of your mom sharing old baby pics with your honey? Or maybe you’re worried about what stories your best friend will share from back in the day. Either way, keeping your partner away from your family and friends is a tell-tale sign of intimacy issues. It allows you to remain segmented in a way, and it’s almost guaranteed to eliminate true, complete knowledge of who you are.

Your behavior may be fueled by the anxiety of embarrassment about your old self. Maybe you were chubbier (or clumsier, or bad in school) than you want to let on, or maybe you don’t wish to share your family’s closeted secrets with someone new. No matter the reason, it’s unlikely that you can go the distance in a romantic relationship and never let them know about your family or past.

The fix? Come clean about what you’re hoping to hide, and introduce the important people in your life to one another. Start with one person, rather than the assembled Thanksgiving dinner, and you’ll be more likely to work yourself up to full family gatherings—and full intimacy—over time.

You lack confidence

If you’re not comfortable in your own skin, it’s hard to let someone else in. “The ability to be intimate with another results from a personal sense of confidence and balanced self-esteem,” says Mayer. Without those fundamental attributes, it’s easy to fear being mocked or not taken seriously. Lacking confidence often results in intimacy issues with someone else. One way to combat this is to do more things on your own—like eating at a restaurant or taking a solo trip—to build up your confidence, and talk to your partner.

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Sources:

• David Essel, MS, OM, life coach, counselor and bestselling author of Love and Relationship Secrets…That Everyone Needs to Know!
  
• Jenn Kennedy, PhD, LMFT, clinical psychologist, board-certified sex therapist and host of The Pleasure Project podcast
• A.J. Marsden, PhD, associate professor of psychology and human services at Beacon College
• John Mayer, PhD, clinical psychologist and host of the Anxiety’s a B!tch podcast
• PsychAlive: “Fear of Intimacy”