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The 101 Funniest Quotes of All Time

Your complete guide to funny quotes, clever jokes, and witty comebacks for every occasion.

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Funny quotes for all

Whether you’re looking for funny quotes just for a laugh, to give a toast, or to lighten the mood at a public speaking event, you’ve come to the right place. Read through these and memorize a few to help lighten the mood when it’s needed. There’s nothing like a funny quote to relax an audience and make them receptive to hearing what you have to say. If you want to laugh, even more, take a look at these funny photos that will crack you up.

funny quote jerry seinfeldNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Funny quotes on fear

“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right? That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” —Jerry Seinfeld

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Funny quotes on sharing in a marriage

“Not sure which is harder on a relationship: sharing a dresser for three years or sharing an iPhone charger for one day.” —Rhea Butcher

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Funny quotes on failing

“You can fail at what you don’t want—so you might as well take a chance at doing what you love.” —Jim Carrey. These funny test answers are secretly genius.

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Funny quotes on having kids

“I asked my brother-in-law, the father of four boys, ‘If you had it to do all over again, would you still have kids?’ ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Just not these four.'” —Sheila Lee

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Funny quotes on adulthood

“I just realized that ‘Let me check my calendar’ is the adult version of ‘Let me ask my mom.'” —Noelle Chatham

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Funny quotes on the high road

“Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired.” —Sandra Bullock 

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Funny quotes on basic furniture assembly

“Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.” —@askdadblog (John Kinnear). These are some of the cutest mistakes that kids have made.

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Funny quotes on gratification

“Instant gratification takes too long.” —Carrie Fisher 

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Funny quotes on teenage kids

“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” —Nora Ephron. Being a parent can be difficult, but it can also be pretty entertaining. These are the funniest lies parents have told their kids.

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Funny quotes on the housing market

“I admit that I live in the past, but only because housing is so much cheaper.” —Matt Wohlfarth 

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Funny quotes on homework

“I recently asked a student where his homework was. He replied, ‘It’s still in my pencil.'” —Larry Timmons. Check out these ridiculous things people actually believed as kids.

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Funny quotes on income

“Filling out a credit card application, my friend came upon this question: ‘What is your source of income?’ She wrote: ‘ATM.'” —Michael Mcrae 

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Funny quotes on running

“One of my biggest fears is that I’ll marry into a family that runs 5Ks on holidays.” —@xnatata (Natalia Skrodzki) 

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Funny quotes on directions

“Mapquest really needs to start its directions on number five. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.” —Aaron Karo 

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Funny quotes on times of optimism

“My parents said marrying was an optimistic thing to do in pessimistic times.” —Olivia Wilde 

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Funny quotes on medical symptoms

“WebMD is updating its server because of a virus. Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis.” —Crystal Lowery 

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Funny quotes on yelling

“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon 

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Funny quotes on privilege

“I never feel more privileged than when I get angry about website design.” —Kelly Oxford. These funny baby photos will make you laugh out loud.

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Funny quotes on being polite

“User: the word computer professionals use when they mean ‘idiot.'” —Dave Barry

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Funny quotes on worries

“Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” —Charlie Brown 

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Funny quotes on hospital stays

“As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.” —Adam Joshua Smargon. Trust us, you need these funny pictures of animals in your life.

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Funny quotes on TV versus books

“My father always said, ‘Never trust anyone whose TV is bigger than their bookshelf.'” —Emilia Clarke 

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Funny quotes on dessert

“‘I don’t want a whole dessert; let’s just get two spoons.’ —Former friends of mine.” —Anna Kendrick 

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Funny quotes on technology frustrations

“I’m thinking of opening a firing range where all the targets are shaped like computers with screens full of pop-up ads.” —Dan Burt. If you’re also a technophobe you’ll think these tech cartoons are hilarious.

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Funny quotes on laughing it off

“Laugh it off. There’s always another night.” —Steve Carell 

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Funny quotes on opting out

“A note from a student’s mother: ‘Please excuse Chris from reading, because he doesn’t like it.'” —Roy Hartley 

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Funny quotes on geography

“I thought Europe was a country.” —Kellie Pickler, country music singer. If you agree with the fact that these are hilarious quotes, you’ll also enjoy the funniest books of all time.

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Funny quotes on the Founding Fathers

“If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.” —Stephen Colbert

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Funny quotes on naiveté

“It is better to live one day as a lion than 100 years as a sheep.” —Donald Trump (retweeting a Benito Mussolini quote)

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Funny quotes on sleep anxiety

“The lion shall lie down with the calf, but the calf won’t get much sleep.”—Woody Allen 

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Funny quotes on celeb smarts

“I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist.”  —Tara Reid, actress. Love these hilarious quotes? Then read up on these inspirational quotes to get you through the morning.

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Funny quotes on “intellectuals”

“My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.” —Billy Connolly, actor

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Funny quotes on designer dreams

“I won’t go into a big spiel about reincarnation, but the first time I was in the Gucci store in Chicago was the closest I’ve ever felt to home.” —Kanye West, rap artist

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Funny quotes on former lives

“I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.” —Shane Richie, British actor

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Funny quotes on relationships

“It’s really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.” —Axl Rose, lead singer of Guns N’ Roses. Are you enjoying these funniest quotes? Check out the most quotable books ever written (and our favorite lines from each).

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Funny quotes on marriage

“Bigamy is having one husband too many. Monogamy is the same.” —Anonymous

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More funny quotes on marriage

Following an argument, an angry Lady Astor told Winston Churchill, “Winston, if you were my husband, I’d put poison in your coffee.” Churchill snapped, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”

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Funny quotes on aging

When Mick Jagger insisted that his wrinkles were actually laugh lines, jazz singer George Melly replied, “Surely nothing could be that funny.”

Muhammed Ali funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Funny quotes on superstrength

A sports columnist recalled the story of a flight attendant who asked Muhammad Ali to fasten his seat belt. Ali replied, “Superman don’t need no seat belt.” The flight attendant’s retort: “Superman don’t need no airplane either.”

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Funny quotes on leading the blind

Seeing a male dog sniffing a female dog, the young daughter of Laurence Olivier asked Noël Coward what they were doing. Coward: “The one in front has suddenly gone blind and the other one has very kindly offered to push him.” These positive quotes will make you see the glass half full.

Joe Pyne funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Funny quotes on comparison

In the 1960s, Joe Pyne, one of the original shock jocks, apparently began an interview with Frank Zappa by saying, “So I guess your long hair makes you a woman.” Zappa responded, “So I guess your wooden leg makes you a table.”

Katharine Hepburn funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Funny quotes on acting

Katharine Hepburn so hated filming a movie with John Barrymore, she declared, “Mr. Barrymore, I am never going to act with you again.” Barrymore replied, “My dear, you still haven’t.”

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Funny quotes on comics

Director/writer Kevin Smith told Tim Burton that Burton’s Planet of the Apes reminded him of a comic book he’d written. Burton responded, “Everyone knows I never read comics.” Smith shot back, “That explains Batman.”

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Funny quotes on balding

An acquaintance walked past  Algonquin Round Table member Marc Connelly and ran a hand over Connelly’s bald pate. “That feels just as smooth and as nice as my wife’s behind,” he said. Connelly, running his own hand over his head, remarked, “So it does!” If you need a break from laughing at the funniest quotes ever, check out these peace quotes from some of the world’s wisest leaders.

Leonard Nimoy funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Funny quotes on dreams of nimoy

Leonard Nimoy was asked by a woman, “Are you aware that you [as Spock] are the source of erotic dream material for ladies around the world?” Nimoy’s reply: “May all your dreams come true.”

Dennis Miller funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Funny quotes on language

“You know there’s a problem when you realize that out of the three Rs, only one begins with an R.” —Dennis Miller, comedian

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Funny quotes on carelessness

“To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.” —Oscar Wilde

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Funny quotes on musical ineptitude

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” —Billy Wilder, director

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Funny quotes on nature lovers

“She loves nature in spite of what it did to her.” —Bette Midler

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Funny quotes on a world without men

“Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.” —Nicole Hollander, cartoonist. Are you cracking up from the funniest quotes of all time? Check out these daily life cartoons that will also have you laughing on the floor.

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Funny quotes on persistence

“Start every day with a smile and get over it.” —W. C. Fields (attributed)

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Funny quotes on the “Miranda” personality

“I wish I had the confidence of the woman who boldly admits she’s the Miranda of her crew.” —Jessica Biel, actress

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Funny quotes on wealth

“Want to know what God thinks of money? Look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker, writer

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Funny quotes on singing

“Karaoke is the great equalizer.” —Aisha Tyler, talk show host

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Funny quotes on fate

“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is pre­determined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.” —Stephen Hawking, physicist

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Funny quotes on insurance companies

“The only people who still call hurricanes acts of God are the people who write insurance forms.” —Neil deGrasse Tyson, astrophysicist. Hilarious quotes are great, but sometimes we need pictures to get that extra laugh. Check out these funny work cartoons.

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Funny quotes on being open-minded

“By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.” —Richard Dawkins, scientist

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Funny quotes on being narrow-minded

“He was so narrow-minded, he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.” —Molly Ivins, author

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Funny quotes on family debates

“I’ve come to learn that the best time to debate family members is when they have food in their mouths.” —Kenneth Cole, fashion designer

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More funny quotes on marriage

“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” —Clint Eastwood. A lot of hilarious quotes are about marriage, but you’ll also want to read these love quotes that will warm your heart.

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Even more funny quotes on marriage

“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates 

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Funny quotes on marriage and patience

“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell

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Funny quotes on saving it for someone you love

“Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you love.” —Butch Hancock, country musician. These dog cartoons will make every dog owner chuckle.

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Funny quotes on marriage gifts

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” —Rod Stewart, rock star

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Funny quotes on consequence

“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott, actor

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Funny quotes on bacon

“When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn’t matter who’s president.” —Louis CK

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Funny quotes on spending foolishly

“Part of [the $10 million] went for gambling, horses, and women. The rest I spent foolishly.” —George Raft, film star

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Funny quotes on character

“I was going to sue for defamation of character, but then I realized I have no character.” —Charles Barkley, TV basketball analyst

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Funny quotes on giving up the good stuff

“I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.” —Johnny Carson

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Funny quotes on dull folks

“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.” —Samuel Johnson, 18th-century author

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Funny quotes on having flair

“Her only flair is in her nostrils.” —Pauline Kael, a film critic. These love and marriage cartoons are so accurate they’ll have you cracking up.

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Funny quotes on being dim

“She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.” —Jean Webster, author

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Funny quotes on saying nothing

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”  —Abraham Lincoln

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Funny quotes on narcissism

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” —Henry Clapp, newspaper editor

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Funny quotes on know-it-alls

“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” —Isaac Asimov, science fiction writer

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Funny quotes on man’s best friend

“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley, humorist

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Funny quotes on cats vs. dogs

“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez, producer. If you love these hilarious quotes, then all cat owners will appreciate these hilarious cat cartoons.

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Funny quotes on holy wine

“Wine; a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy.” —Benjamin Franklin

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Funny quotes on superior beer

“Why beer is better than wine: human feet are conspicuously absent from beer making.” —Steve Mirsky, author

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Funny quotes on government landscaping

“The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove crabgrass on your lawn.” —P. J. O’Rourke, writer

P.J. O'Rourke funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Funny quotes on failing government

“The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work, and then they get elected and prove it.” —P. J. O’Rourke, still a writer

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Funny quotes on marriage and politics

“I’ve been married to one Marxist and one Fascist, and neither one would take the garbage out.” —Lee Grant, actress

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Funny quotes on marrying nothing

“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing, and then they marry him.” —Cher

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Funny quotes on fiction

“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.” —Tom Clancy, author

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Funny quotes on health books

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain

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Funny quotes on optimism

“An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, ‘So far so good!’” —Anonymous

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Funny quotes on pessimism 

“The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.” —George Will, columnist

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Funny quotes on bottle blondes 

“I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb … and I also know that I’m not blonde.” —Dolly Parton

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Funny quotes on leaving the church

“It was a blonde. A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained-glass window.” —Raymond Chandler, author

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Funny quotes on delusion

“He suffers from delusions of adequacy.” —Walter Kerr, critic

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Funny quotes on critics

“Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it’s done, they’ve seen it done every day, but they’re unable to do it themselves.” —Brendan Behan, Irish author

Mark Twain funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Funny quotes on false alarms

“The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.” —Mark Twain

Albert Einstein funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Funny quotes on infinity

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” —Albert Einstein

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Funny quotes on good girls

“Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.” —Helen Gurley Brown, former editor of Cosmopolitan. If you’re enjoying this list of the funniest quotes of all time, you’ll also enjoy the funniest movies of all time.

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Funny quotes on stupidity

“If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?” —Will Rogers

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Funny quotes on keeping your friends close 

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” —Oscar Wilde

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Funny quotes on speaking of the dead

“They say you shouldn’t say anything about the dead unless it’s good. He’s dead. Good.” —Moms Mabley

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Funny quotes on Washington, D.C.

“Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.” —President John F. Kennedy

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Funny quotes on troublemakers

“The trouble with this country is that there are too many people going about saying, ‘The trouble with this country is …’” —Sinclair Lewis. 

Funny quotes on prodigies

When a fan asked Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart for tips on writing symphonies, the composer is said to have suggested, “Begin with some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony.” “But Herr Mozart,” replied the fan, “you were writing symphonies when you were eight.” “Yes,” said Mozart. “But I never asked anybody.” Now that you know the funniest quotes of all time, memorize these short jokes to spread a little more humor.