The 121 Funniest Quotes of All Time
Your complete guide to funny quotes, clever jokes, and witty comebacks for every occasion.
Funny quotes for all
Whether you’re looking for funny quotes just for a laugh, to give a toast, or to lighten the mood at a public speaking event, you’ve come to the right place. Read through these funny quotes and memorize a few to help lighten the mood when it’s needed. There’s nothing like a funny quote to relax an audience and make them receptive to hearing what you have to say. If you want to laugh, even more, take a look at these funny photos that will crack you up.
Funny quotes on fear
“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right? That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” —Jerry Seinfeld
Funny quotes on sharing in a marriage
“Not sure which is harder on a relationship: sharing a dresser for three years or sharing an iPhone charger for one day.” —Rhea Butcher
Funny quotes on failing
“You can fail at what you don’t want—so you might as well take a chance at doing what you love.” —Jim Carrey. These funny test answers are secretly genius.
Funny quotes on adulthood
“I just realized that ‘Let me check my calendar’ is the adult version of ‘Let me ask my mom.'” —Noelle Chatham
Funny quotes on the high road
“Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired.” —Sandra Bullock
Funny quotes on basic furniture assembly
“Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.” —@askdadblog (John Kinnear). These are some of the cutest mistakes that kids have made.
Funny quotes on teenage kids
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” —Nora Ephron. Being a parent can be difficult, but it can also be pretty entertaining. These are the funniest lies parents have told their kids.
Funny quotes on homework
“I recently asked a student where his homework was. He replied, ‘It’s still in my pencil.'” —Larry Timmons. Check out these ridiculous things people actually believed as kids.
Funny quotes on income
“Filling out a credit card application, my friend came upon this question: ‘What is your source of income?’ She wrote: ‘ATM.'” —Michael Mcrae
Funny quotes on directions
“Mapquest really needs to start its directions on number five. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.” —Aaron Karo
Funny quotes on times of optimism
“My parents said marrying was an optimistic thing to do in pessimistic times.” —Olivia Wilde
Funny quotes on yelling
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
Funny quotes on privilege
“I never feel more privileged than when I get angry about website design.” —Kelly Oxford. These funny baby photos will make you laugh out loud.
Funny quotes on worries
“Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” —Charlie Brown
Funny quotes on hospital stays
“As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.” —Adam Joshua Smargon. Trust us, you need these funny pictures of animals in your life.
Funny quotes on dessert
“‘I don’t want a whole dessert; let’s just get two spoons.’ —Former friends of mine.” —Anna Kendrick
Funny quotes on technology frustrations
“I’m thinking of opening a firing range where all the targets are shaped like computers with screens full of pop-up ads.” —Dan Burt. If you’re also a technophobe you’ll think these tech cartoons are hilarious.
Funny quotes on opting out
“A note from a student’s mother: ‘Please excuse Chris from reading, because he doesn’t like it.'” —Roy Hartley
Funny quotes on geography
“I thought Europe was a country.” —Kellie Pickler, country music singer. If you agree with the fact that these are hilarious quotes, you’ll also enjoy the funniest books of all time.
Funny quotes on naiveté
“It is better to live one day as a lion than 100 years as a sheep.” —Donald Trump (retweeting a Benito Mussolini quote)
Funny quotes on sleep anxiety
“The lion shall lie down with the calf, but the calf won’t get much sleep.”—Woody Allen
Funny quotes on celeb smarts
“I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist.” —Tara Reid, actress. Love these hilarious quotes? Then read up on these inspirational quotes to get you through the morning.
Funny quotes on “intellectuals”
“My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.” —Billy Connolly, actor
Funny quotes on designer dreams
“I won’t go into a big spiel about reincarnation, but the first time I was in the Gucci store in Chicago was the closest I’ve ever felt to home.” —Kanye West, rap artist
Funny quotes on relationships
“It’s really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.” —Axl Rose, lead singer of Guns N’ Roses. Are you enjoying these funniest quotes? Check out the most quotable books ever written (and our favorite lines from each).
Funny quotes on marriage
“Bigamy is having one husband too many. Monogamy is the same.” —Anonymous
Funny quotes on aging
When Mick Jagger insisted that his wrinkles were actually laugh lines, jazz singer George Melly replied, “Surely nothing could be that funny.”
Funny quotes on superstrength
A sports columnist recalled the story of a flight attendant who asked Muhammad Ali to fasten his seat belt. Ali replied, “Superman don’t need no seat belt.” The flight attendant’s retort: “Superman don’t need no airplane either.”
Funny quotes on leading the blind
Seeing a male dog sniffing a female dog, the young daughter of Laurence Olivier asked Noël Coward what they were doing. Coward: “The one in front has suddenly gone blind and the other one has very kindly offered to push him.” These positive quotes will make you see the glass half full.
Funny quotes on comparison
In the 1960s, Joe Pyne, one of the original shock jocks, apparently began an interview with Frank Zappa by saying, “So I guess your long hair makes you a woman.” Zappa responded, “So I guess your wooden leg makes you a table.”
Funny quotes on acting
Katharine Hepburn so hated filming a movie with John Barrymore, she declared, “Mr. Barrymore, I am never going to act with you again.” Barrymore replied, “My dear, you still haven’t.”
Funny quotes on balding
An acquaintance walked past Algonquin Round Table member Marc Connelly and ran a hand over Connelly’s bald pate. “That feels just as smooth and as nice as my wife’s behind,” he said. Connelly, running his own hand over his head, remarked, “So it does!” If you need a break from laughing at the funniest quotes ever, check out these peace quotes from some of the world’s wisest leaders.
Funny quotes on dreams of nimoy
Leonard Nimoy was asked by a woman, “Are you aware that you [as Spock] are the source of erotic dream material for ladies around the world?” Nimoy’s reply: “May all your dreams come true.”
Funny quotes on carelessness
“To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.” —Oscar Wilde
Funny quotes on a world without men
“Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.” —Nicole Hollander, cartoonist. Are you cracking up from the funniest quotes of all time? Check out these daily life cartoons that will also have you laughing on the floor.
Funny quotes on persistence
“Start every day with a smile and get over it.” —W. C. Fields (attributed)
Funny quotes on wealth
“Want to know what God thinks of money? Look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker, writer
Funny quotes on insurance companies
“The only people who still call hurricanes acts of God are the people who write insurance forms.” —Neil deGrasse Tyson, astrophysicist. Hilarious quotes are great, but sometimes we need pictures to get that extra laugh. Check out these funny work cartoons.
Funny quotes on being open-minded
“By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.” —Richard Dawkins, scientist
Funny quotes on family debates
“I’ve come to learn that the best time to debate family members is when they have food in their mouths.” —Kenneth Cole, fashion designer
More funny quotes on marriage
“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” —Clint Eastwood. A lot of hilarious quotes are about marriage, but you’ll also want to read these love quotes that will warm your heart.
Funny quotes on marriage and patience
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
Funny quotes on saving it for someone you love
“Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you love.” —Butch Hancock, country musician. These dog cartoons will make every dog owner chuckle.
Funny quotes on consequence
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott, actor
Funny quotes on bacon
“When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn’t matter who’s president.” —Louis CK
Funny quotes on character
“I was going to sue for defamation of character, but then I realized I have no character.” —Charles Barkley, TV basketball analyst
Funny quotes on giving up the good stuff
“I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.” —Johnny Carson
Funny quotes on having flair
“Her only flair is in her nostrils.” —Pauline Kael, a film critic. These love and marriage cartoons are so accurate they’ll have you cracking up.
Funny quotes on being dim
“She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.” —Jean Webster, author
Funny quotes on narcissism
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” —Henry Clapp, newspaper editor
Funny quotes on know-it-alls
“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” —Isaac Asimov, science fiction writer
Funny quotes on cats vs. dogs
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez, producer. If you love these hilarious quotes, then all cat owners will appreciate these hilarious cat cartoons.
Funny quotes on holy wine
“Wine; a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy.” —Benjamin Franklin
Funny quotes on government landscaping
“The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove crabgrass on your lawn.” —P. J. O’Rourke, writer
Funny quotes on failing government
“The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work, and then they get elected and prove it.” —P. J. O’Rourke, still a writer
Funny quotes on marrying nothing
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing, and then they marry him.” —Cher
Funny quotes on fiction
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.” —Tom Clancy, author
Funny quotes on optimism
“An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, ‘So far so good!’” —Anonymous
Funny quotes on pessimism
“The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.” —George Will, columnist
Funny quotes on leaving the church
“It was a blonde. A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained-glass window.” —Raymond Chandler, author
Funny quotes on infinity
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” —Albert Einstein
Funny quotes on good girls
“Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.” —Helen Gurley Brown, former editor of Cosmopolitan. If you’re enjoying this list of the funniest quotes of all time, you’ll also enjoy the funniest movies of all time.
Funny quotes on stupidity
“If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?” —Will Rogers
Funny quotes on keeping your friends close
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” —Oscar Wilde
Funny quotes on Washington, D.C.
“Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.” —President John F. Kennedy
Funny quotes on troublemakers
“The trouble with this country is that there are too many people going about saying, ‘The trouble with this country is …’” —Sinclair Lewis.
Funny quotes on prodigies
When a fan asked Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart for tips on writing symphonies, the composer is said to have suggested, “Begin with some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony.” “But Herr Mozart,” replied the fan, “you were writing symphonies when you were eight.” “Yes,” said Mozart. “But I never asked anybody.” Now that you know the funniest quotes of all time, memorize these short jokes to spread a little more humor.
Funny quotes on housekeeping
“Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door.” —Marcelene Cox
Funny quotes on unexpected guests
“Nothing inspires cleanliness more than an unexpected guest.” —Radhika Mundra
Funny quotes about prepositions
“From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.” —Winston Churchill
Funny quotes on doing the dishes
“Everybody wants to save the earth; no one wants to help mom do the dishes.” —P.J. O’Rourke
Funny quotes about reviews
“A bad review may spoil your breakfast, but you shouldn’t allow it to spoil your lunch.” —Kingsley Amis
Funny quotes about a clean house
“We dream of having a clean house — but who dreams of actually doing the cleaning?” —Marcus Buckingham
Funny quotes about advice
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
Funny quotes about children with money
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
Funny quotes about words
“As far as I’m concerned, ‘whom’ is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.” —Calving Trillin
Funny quotes about errands
“I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.” —Anonymous
Funny quotes on dog ownership
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.” —Jean Ferris
Funny quotes about following your path
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.” —Ellen DeGeneres
Funny quotes about waking up to see a sunrise
“There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.”―Mindy Kaling. Next, here’s a list of funny words to say to confuse your friends.