19 Things Your Marriage Counselor Knows about Your Relationship—but Isn’t Telling You
Counselors across the country weigh in on what they are REALLY thinking during couples therapy.
It’s best when you both care
I love couples who fight in the waiting room. At least they still care about each other. If one or both of you seem indifferent, my job is a lot harder.
I know when you’re cheating
When you say your feelings “just aren’t there anymore,” I know you’re probably cheating. Here are 12 subtle signs your spouse may be cheating.
We try to trick you
Sometimes I’ll tell a couple “no sex until the next session. Don’t touch each other, period.” What I’m really hoping is that they’ll fail and feel a sense of unity from their mutual rebellion.
Don’t talk to outsiders
It may make you feel better to talk about your marriage issues with a good friend, but it will just make things worse. Never talk to outsiders about things in your marriage that you haven’t already talked about with your spouse. Here are a few signs that show a marriage won’t last.
I’ll try not to be blunt
I’m not going to tell a couple that I have no idea why they’re together. But take the hint if I say something like, “You both have to make a decision about whether this is going to work long term.” Watch out for the eight secret signs your marriage is headed for divorce.
Sometimes I want to yell at you
What do I wish I could say? “Grow up!” “Stop whining!” “Get a life!” When I feel this way, I know I need a vacation.
I know there isn’t a good one
Don’t try to convince me you’re the good one. In most marriages, there isn’t a good one.
Go to bed angry
Yes, you should go to bed angry. If you try to resolve everything before you hit the sack, you’ll both be sleep-deprived and cranky the next day. Instead, get a good night’s sleep and talk once you’re rested.
We know the signs of failure
Three signs that a couple is not going to succeed: name-calling, finger-pointing, and when one or both partners fail to accept even the tiniest bit of responsibility for the situation.
Sometimes I recommend living separately
Sometimes two people love each other but have such different styles of living that I recommend they live together in a duplex. It sounds strange, but it works for some people.
Trying can take you far in a relationship
I’ve seen couples I thought didn’t stand a chance end up staying together. Often it’s because they’re both willing to try. But sometimes it’s just that they are too dysfunctional to leave each other.
Men are not mind readers
The big thing most women don’t understand: Men are not mind readers. If you don’t tell him how you feel, he’s not going to know. The big thing most men don’t understand: If you hardly acknowledge your wife all day, she’s not going to want to get intimate with you at night. These are the eight habits of couples with steamy sex lives.
It takes time
If I ask you how long you’ve had problems and your answer is “10 years,” you’re not going to change things in 10 minutes or 10 sessions.
I would tell a lot of people they shouldn’t be together
If I was 100 percent honest, I’d be telling a lot of couples, “I don’t think you two should be together.”
You need to work hard outside of therapy as well
Just showing up every week is not enough. My number one pet peeve is the couple that comes to the session, then leaves and behaves the same way they always have.
Stop being petty
Do you even hear how petty you guys are being? Does it really matter if the towel was straightened appropriately or not?
Come in early on in the process
The earlier you come in, the quicker you can get the problem solved, the less your therapy will cost.
You need other relationships too
Don’t expect your spouse to be everything you need: your lover, your best friend, your massage therapist, your tennis partner, and your confidant. You need other relationships outside your marriage to fill those roles.
The person who complains about things that happened in the past is usually more of the problem than the spouse they’re complaining about.