Relationship fights may seem like the end of the world, but they're totally normal. Here's what not to do after a fight to ensure you and your partner grow from the experience.
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Don’t act like nothing happened
Ignoring what started a fight or pretending it never happened isn’t a wise idea. “Sweeping it under the rug assumes your partner is satisfied with the outcome. But making a clear effort to reconnect is the key to a successful outcome. Sharing what you have learned after a fight can help repair the damage,” says Lesli M. W. Doares, a marriage consultant, coach and author with a private practice in Cary, North Carolina. “And make no mistake: There is always damage.”
If you don’t let your partner know that what you fought about bothers you, your resentment could bubble up in the future, and you could eventually explode. This is exactly what not to do after a fight. “Something triggered the fight that must be addressed,” says Laurel House, a dating and empowerment coach on E!’s Famously Single.
What to do instead: Address the trigger and share what you’ve learned. Pick your battles when assessing whether something really warrants further discussion or is minimal enough that you can let it slide. For instance, if it’s a big discussion around finances and you’re wondering how to stop fighting about money, it’s better to bring it up. “The important things you ignore are the things that manifest into larger issues,” says relationship expert and author Andrea Syrtash.
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Never share details of your fight
Disclosing details of your fights is a strict no-no for all relationship posts on social media. It’s normal to want validation for how you feel from friends, family and anyone who will listen, but your fight isn’t for public consumption. Remind yourself of that as often as you need—a public tell-all is one of the most important things to avoid post-fight.
“This can be really damaging to the trust your partner has for you,” says Marni Feuerman, PsyD, a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in Boca Raton, Florida. What’s worse is that once you put something out in the public forum, you can’t take it back.
Which is why it’s best to steer clear of social media debates, especially when they pertain to your personal lives. People will likely judge your relationship—and not for the better. “Unlike you, all they have are the ‘facts’ that you presented, making it harder for them to forgive and forget,” explains House.
What to do instead: Keep what you fight about to yourself. Do you really need to talk it out? House suggests speaking with a trusted confidant who can provide balanced and honest advice.
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Don’t let too much time pass before you resolve it
If you want to have a healthy relationship with open communication, what you shouldn’t do after a disagreement is shove it under a rug. The longer the argument festers, the angrier you’ll feel. “Unresolved anger and hurt feelings can grow if they’re not worked out in a timely manner,” says Antonia Hall, a psychologist, relationship expert and author.
As those feelings grow, it becomes harder to overcome the dispute. “By letting time slip by, you’re going to lengthen the disagreement and continue to suffer from the stress associated with it,” explains Stacey Laura Lloyd, health and relationships writer. “In addition, with the passage of time, it’s more difficult to recall and agree upon the exact factors that caused the conflict in the first place, making it even tougher to resolve.”
What to do instead: Once you’ve had some time to cool off, revisit the issue and work it out. You could maybe use a funny argument quote to gently start the discussion. A cooldown period lets you re-evaluate and recalibrate your stance. “When a man gets a break, he turns his brain off to the situation for a while,” says Mike Goldstein, founder and lead dating coach of EZ Dating Coach. “He can then come back to the situation in a more open and loving state of mind to more rationally assess what is happening and how to find a solution with his partner.”
Of course, people of all genders may have this reaction—it comes down to how you personally react to fights. The key is understanding your and your partner’s go-to post-fight coping method.
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Don’t stubbornly reject an apology
One of the biggest mistakes to avoid after an argument: Holding on to your anger and refusing to forgive your partner. If he or she’s offering a genuine, sincere and heartfelt apology, accept it. “Otherwise, you’ll keep the negative sentiments around much longer than necessary,” says Dr. Feuerman. “Forgiveness is a good practice in a long-term relationship.”
If you’re still mad or upset, remind yourself that no one is perfect. Stubbornly refusing the apology will only worsen the situation. “By not accepting an apology, you’re continuing to punish them and communicating that no matter what they do or say, it’s not good enough,” explains House.
And it could be the sign of a deeper issue. “Relationships aren’t about having a winner and a loser. You’re on the same side,” Syrtash says. “If you can’t accept the apology, figure out if you need to seek counseling or do something else that will help you restore trust and connection.”
What to do instead: Forgive each other and work on building trust. It’s also important to take accountability for yourself, whether you’re fighting with your partner or a friend.
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Don’t bring up the argument in the future
“If couples consistently rehash every fight they ever had, there will be never-ending feuding and zero time for love and fun,” says Goldstein.
Plus, if the argument has really been resolved, then why bring it up again? “Holding something over your partner’s head is not loving behavior and will not result in a healthy, successful relationship,” Doares says.
If your partner said something that bothers you, or if you spot a relationship warning sign that screams “red flag,” don’t keep getting into arguments even after you’ve allegedly reached a resolution. You’ll only end up talking in circles and not resolving anything—exactly what not to do after a fight.
“By bringing up old conflicts, all you’re really doing is restarting the battle while also showing your partner that prior resolutions and agreements mean nothing,” explains Lloyd. “In fact, when you bring up an old conflict, you’re well on your way to starting a new one.”
What to do instead: Let it go. If you have the urge to resurface an old gripe, remember how you resolved it the last time around and resist the urge to launch into a fresh fight.
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Stop making excuses for the fight
Stress, feeling under the weather, commuter traffic—you can blame an argument on just about anything. But don’t pass the blame for why you fought. “Excuses give you a chance to seem like you’re weaseling out of any responsibility,” says Jim Walkup, a licensed marriage counselor who practices in New York.
In other words, it can water down your apology and derail your reconciliation efforts. “An apology is not an apology when you say, ‘I’m sorry but…’” says Goldstein. If you’re upset about something, your partner needs to know that—and not think it’s because you had a bad day at the office.
While this is one of the top mistakes to avoid after an argument, it’s not a relationship deal-breaker. You can smooth things out with some honesty and open communication.
What to do instead: Be honest about why you’re fighting. “Directly discussing the problem is more likely to resolve it than making up flimsy excuses for why it happened,” Dr. Feuerman says.
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Avoid saying you didn’t mean it
One of the most futile exercises—and definitely what not to do after a fight—is to retract your words to heal wounds. “Whether you meant it or not, you said it, you did it and you can’t take it back,” says House. “You can’t make it go away, so saying that you didn’t mean it is not only pointless but can be infuriating and shows that you fight dirty and mean, which aren’t healthy or productive ways to fight.”
Why is this so important? If you say that you didn’t mean it, you won’t work toward a resolution for the future. And that’s the goal of a fight in the first place.
What to do instead: Understand and acknowledge what you said. “Start by understanding that your words may have hurt your significant other,” explains Walkup. “Acknowledge that you hurled the grenades in anger and defensiveness.”
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Don’t have makeup sex if you don’t want to
It’s great that you’re done fighting. But if shifting gears to doing the deed is the last thing on your mind, it’s fine to say you’re not in the mood. “Sex is about love, intimacy and caring, about warmth and connection,” say Charles Schmitz, PhD, and Elizabeth Schmitz, EdD, award-winning authors and love and marriage experts. “The time and your emotions have to be right for sex to be enjoyable and intimate.”
Your partner just may want a roll in the hay to feel close to you again and reconnect. But automatically jumping in the sack is one of the mistakes to avoid after an argument, especially if you feel like you are being taken for granted. “Makeup sex can be healing, but only if you both are feeling into it,” says Walkup.
What to do instead: Explain why you’re not up for nookie to avoid hurting your partner’s feelings. “If you’re having sex because you think you ‘should,’ you’re actually making the situation worse, adding on a layer of resentment and possibly even making yourself feel used,” notes House.
Perhaps a hug is all you’re ready for initially. “Having sex for any reason when you don’t want to is a bad idea,” agrees Doares. “You’ll equate what is supposed to be a form of intimacy with intimidation or manipulation.”
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Don’t focus on the cause of the fight
Did your partner forget to get diapers at the store after you asked them to … twice? What you shouldn’t do after a disagreement is replay the incident in your head over and over. Instead, spend your energy finding a solution to the problem. “Identifying the issues that are underlying can bring relief but only if done with a sense of ‘let’s understand and grow here,’” says Walkup.
OK, but what if this isn’t the first time your spouse has forgotten to do essential errands? If he or she seems to be forgetful lately, sit down with your partner on a different occasion and bring up the issue gently, notes Lisa Hochberger, a sexologist, sexuality educator and relationship expert. In this case, you might say, “I notice that when I ask you to pick things up after work, you forget to do it. What can I do to remind you of errands we need done for the house so you don’t forget?” Try and support your partner, but don’t be judgmental, says Hochberger.
What to do instead: Identify the issue, then work together to land on a solution. Use this as an opportunity to support your partner and grow together.
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Say no to the silent treatment
It’s fine if you need some space after an argument. But here’s what not to do after a fight: Go radio silent for hours or days. “Ignoring your partner will only amplify the hurt and anger,” says Hall.
When you give your partner the cold shoulder without telling them, they may feel like they’re being punished. “Giving someone the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. It’s disrespectful, demeaning and manipulative,” explains Doares. “Yes, you can take some time to yourself to calm down and engage in self-care, but you can be civil to your partner at the same time.”
What to do instead: Explain that you need a few hours to cool off and that you do want to reconnect. “It’s OK to say, ‘I need some time to calm down so we can discuss this rationally,’” Dr. Feuerman notes. Skip this key step, and next time, they may bottle up how they feel.
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Don’t stress about the fact that you fought
Stop beating yourself up simply because you fought with your partner—it’s one of the top mistakes to avoid after an argument. All you’re doing is undercutting your self-respect, self-esteem and self-confidence, says Lloyd. Getting stuck in self-recrimination is unhealthy and unproductive. “Beating yourself up is rarely an effective use of your time,” says Doares.
Besides, a healthy, fight-free relationship is a myth. “Of course two people aren’t always going to be on the same page,” says Syrtash. “The important piece is that you each got a little closer to discovering what’s important to each other.”
What to do instead: Focus on the positives. Fighting can actually be a good thing; it shows that you’re invested and working at the relationship. You care enough to get to the bottom of your issues and have developed emotional strength. “Some arguments, if they’re able to be resolved, should actually bring you both closer together,” says Dr. Feuerman
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Stop using hurtful words
After you’re done disagreeing, don’t resort to name-calling, says Goldstein. One of the many things to avoid post-fight, lobbing hurtful words at each other may result in one or both of you thinking that your partner isn’t “the one.”
What to do instead: Share how you feel. Goldstein suggests using simple, easy-to-understand sentences or even a single word to help your partner understand how you feel. For example, you might say, “When you ignore me when I get home from work, I feel alone in our relationship.”
FAQs
How long should you wait before trying to resolve a fight with your partner?
It’s OK to take some time off before attempting reconciliation, possibly a day or two. However, this depends on the couple and the level of disagreement. Keep in mind that during a longer wait, negative feelings can fester. What you shouldn’t do after a disagreement is wait a week or longer to resolve the issue.
What is the three-day rule after an argument?
After a really heated argument, you and your partner might decide to apply a three-day rule: You’ll pause, reflect and calm yourselves.
The three-day rule allows couples to take time and space to collect their thoughts. When they’re not rushing to resolve disagreements, couples can avoid making decisions in anger or resentment. It can be a healthy way to navigate fights without making the problem larger than it really is.
What are healthy ways to take space after an argument?
Simply communicate your needs in an honest way without any anger or resentment. Acknowledge your need to step away from the discussion to calm yourself down. Tell your partner, “I need some time to discuss this rationally.” This is a healthy way to take the space that you need—without giving them the cold shoulder.
How can you rebuild trust after saying hurtful things in a fight?
Resolve the conflict using open communication, trust and acceptance. Apologize and accept apologies that are extended to you. Remember: A fight is not the end of the world. We all say things we don’t mean during an argument, but that doesn’t mean they’re cast in stone. Start by communicating openly, and trust will slowly build over time.
Still dealing with hurt and broken trust? Consider asking a third party or a counselor to intervene.
When can post-fight behaviors indicate unhealthy or abusive dynamics?
When a partner acts like nothing happened, does not accept your apology or gives you the silent treatment after a fight, it may be a sign of an unhealthy or abusive dynamic. (A more obvious sign, of course, is if your partner becomes physically abusive during a fight.)
If your significant other keeps bringing up the disagreement repeatedly and gives you a hard time about it, consider this a warning sign. When you feel like the core issue of a fight isn’t going away and your partner isn’t willing to change, it may be time to consider a breakup or separation. Reach out to a certified therapist or counselor for help.
Is it OK to leave after a fight?
Yes, it is OK to leave after a fight if it feels right to you in the situation. You may take a smaller break (think: a few days away) or call it off completely. Re-evaluate the pros and cons of being in the relationship and then make a decision.
About the experts
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Why trust us
For over 100 years, Reader’s Digest has explored the nuances of relationships, working with such luminaries as Dr. Ruth Westheimer, John Gottman, PhD, and Leo Buscaglia (“Dr. Love”). We ran a decade-long relationships column and have published a compendium of features, Love and Marriage: The Reader’s Digest Guide to Intimate Relationships. We support this information with credentialed experts and primary sources such as government and professional organizations, peer-reviewed journals and our writers’ personal experiences where it enhances the topic. We verify all facts and data and revisit them over time to ensure they remain accurate and up to date. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
Sources:
- Lesli Doares, MS, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist and coach at Foundations Coaching
- Laurel House, dating coach and founder of PrioriDating
- Andrea Syrtash, relationship expert and founder of Pregnantish
- Marni Feuerman, PsyD, MSW, licensed psychotherapist and couples counselor in Florida
- Antonia Hall, MA, psychologist, relationship expert and author
- Mike Goldstein, dating coach and founder of EZ Dating Coach
- Jim Walkup, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist in New York
- Charles Schmitz, PhD, and Elizabeth Schmitz, EdD, aka Doctors Schmitz, love and marriage experts
- Lisa Hochberger, MEd, sexologist, relationship expert and co-founder of Sexpertise
Originally Published in Reader's Digest
