13 Funny Retirement Quotes to Celebrate the Milestone
Updated: Mar. 20, 2024
To welcome your pal or loved one to the golden years, consider these funny retirement quotes to articulate your sentiment
Funny retirement quotes to send them on their way
New pastimes
“If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.” —Doug Larson
Since your friend won’t be logging 40—or more!—hours a week anymore, he or she will have plenty of time for the pastimes they adore, especially if they’re moving to one of the best small towns in America to retire to.
For a hole in one
“Golf is played by 20 million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.” —Jim Bishop
The only thing better than acing a hole-in-one, after all, is getting to practice your swing as often as you like. Remind your friend of his new schedule with this humorous quote.
For real talk
“There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want.” —Bill Watterson
As relieving as it can be not to head to a job every day, this clever quote about retirement from the classic cartoon strip “Calvin and Hobbes” doesn’t say much—and yet says everything.
For joking about money
“Money is something you got to make in case you don’t die.” —Mike Asnas
The idea of retiring can be both exciting and daunting. Let this retirement quote celebrate the cash your pal has been able to save—and hopefully, has plenty of time to still spend!
For how it feels
“Retirement may be looked upon either as a prolonged holiday or as a rejection, a being thrown on to the scrap-heap.” —Simone de Beauvoir
Not everyone has the best perception of retirement, especially if it wasn’t entirely up to them, but luckily this quote will get them chuckling.
For the new normal
“A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.” —Ella Harris
When a married woman retires, she gets a whole new set of responsibilities. Here’s how to prepare your friend for what’s to come.
For feeling younger
“Retirement at 65 is ridiculous. When I was 65 I still had pimples.” —George Burns
Though it might seem like your pal is moving closer to the golden years, this quote about aging from the famed centenarian will help keep it all in perspective.
For the perks
“I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.” —Bob Hope
While the rest of the world has to rise when their alarm clock sounds, new retirees have free range to do, well, whatever they please.
For darker humor
“Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.” —Robert Benchley
Have a friend who likes to take every conversation to the extreme? If so, this quote and these dark jokes are a must.
For day-to-day life
“The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.” —Abe Lemons
Joke about your friend’s never-ending “out of office” with this great addition to the retirement quotes list.
For opting out of LinkedIn profiles
“Gainfully unemployed, very proud of it too.” —Charles Baxter
For the vast majority of his or her life, being unemployed would have been bad news—and now it’s reason to pop the champagne!
For new dress codes
“The best thing about retirement is not having to wear pants!” —Mark Hewer
Scribble this one in the card of your retired lawyer pal who no longer has to suit up to impress his or her boss, clients or network. (And psst: make sure to give them a warning before stopping by their house, since, ahem, they might be disheveled.)
For aging gracefully
“You might be on the back nine of life, but it’s good to finish strong.” —Morton Shaevitz
No matter how you put it, retirement seals the end of your working days, and some might feel like all their days are limited. Remind them of the best to come with these funny retirement quotes.
