A Trusted Friend in a Complicated World

13 Funny Retirement Quotes to Celebrate the Milestone

To welcome your pal or loved one to the golden years, consider these funny retirement quotes to articulate your sentiment

Funny Retirement Quotes
RD.com

Funny retirement quotes to send them on their way

Riding off into the sunset. Entering the golden years. Living a life of leisure. There are a lot of sayings that capture the freedom of retirement, but sometimes you need a funny retirement quote or  congratulations message to really capture the transition from nine-to-five to the sweet life. Whether you’re prepping for the end of work yourself or planning a retirement party for a beloved colleague or family member, a few well-placed quips and retirement wishes are sure to make the occasion that much more memorable. These pithy sayings and funny retirement quotes are perfect for the soon-to-be “funemployed” … or anyone who’s counting down the days!
Nicole Fornabaio/Rd.com, shutterstock

New pastimes

“If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.” —Doug Larson

Since your friend won’t be logging 40—or more!—hours a week anymore, he or she will have plenty of time for the pastimes they adore, especially if they’re moving to one of the best small towns in America to retire to.

Nicole Fornabaio/Rd.com, shutterstock

For a hole in one

“Golf is played by 20 million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.” —Jim Bishop

The only thing better than acing a hole-in-one, after all, is getting to practice your swing as often as you like. Remind your friend of his new schedule with this humorous quote.

Nicole Fornabaio/Rd.com, shutterstock

For real talk

“There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want.” —Bill Watterson

As relieving as it can be not to head to a job every day, this clever quote about retirement from the classic cartoon strip “Calvin and Hobbes” doesn’t say much—and yet says everything.

Nicole Fornabaio/Rd.com, shutterstock

For joking about money

“Money is something you got to make in case you don’t die.” —Mike Asnas

The idea of retiring can be both exciting and daunting. Let this retirement quote celebrate the cash your pal has been able to save—and hopefully, has plenty of time to still spend!

Nicole Fornabaio/Rd.com, shutterstock

For how it feels

“Retirement may be looked upon either as a prolonged holiday or as a rejection, a being thrown on to the scrap-heap.” —Simone de Beauvoir

Not everyone has the best perception of retirement, especially if it wasn’t entirely up to them, but luckily this quote will get them chuckling.

Nicole Fornabaio/Rd.com, shutterstock

For the new normal

“A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.” —Ella Harris

When a married woman retires, she gets a whole new set of responsibilities. Here’s how to prepare your friend for what’s to come.

Nicole Fornabaio/Rd.com, shutterstock

For feeling younger

“Retirement at 65 is ridiculous. When I was 65 I still had pimples.” —George Burns

Though it might seem like your pal is moving closer to the golden years, this quote about aging from the famed centenarian will help keep it all in perspective.

Nicole Fornabaio/Rd.com, shutterstock

For the perks

“I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.” —Bob Hope

While the rest of the world has to rise when their alarm clock sounds, new retirees have free range to do, well, whatever they please.

Nicole Fornabaio/Rd.com, shutterstock

For darker humor

“Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.” —Robert Benchley

Have a friend who likes to take every conversation to the extreme? If so, this quote and these dark jokes are a must.

Nicole Fornabaio/Rd.com, shutterstock

For day-to-day life

“The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.” —Abe Lemons

Joke about your friend’s never-ending “out of office” with this great addition to the retirement quotes list.

"Gainfully unemployed, very proud of it too." —Charles Baxter
Nicole Fornabaio/Rd.com, Shutterstock

For opting out of LinkedIn profiles

“Gainfully unemployed, very proud of it too.” —Charles Baxter

For the vast majority of his or her life, being unemployed would have been bad news—and now it’s reason to pop the champagne!

Nicole Fornabaio/Rd.com, shutterstock

For new dress codes

“The best thing about retirement is not having to wear pants!” —Mark Hewer

Scribble this one in the card of your retired lawyer pal who no longer has to suit up to impress his or her boss, clients or network. (And psst: make sure to give them a warning before stopping by their house, since, ahem, they might be disheveled.)

Nicole Fornabaio/Rd.com, shutterstock

For aging gracefully

“You might be on the back nine of life, but it’s good to finish strong.” —Morton Shaevitz

No matter how you put it, retirement seals the end of your working days, and some might feel like all their days are limited. Remind them of the best to come with these funny retirement quotes.

Lindsay Tigar
Lindsay Aurora Tigar is an experienced digital editor and blogger in NYC. Her blog, Confessions of a Love Addict, has a large following around the world, and a book project based on the blog is under development. The New York Post named her New York City's most eligible single in January 2014. She was also selected as one of New York's most desirable singles by the lifestyle dating website Rachel & Chris and has partnered with several popular dating blogs to create viral content. She is part of the HerCampus Blogger Network and spoke at their summer conference on "How to Be a Powerhouse Blogger." She's a social media and digital media guru with large followings on Twitter, Facebook and Pinterest. She freelances for several sites, including Shape.com, eHarmony.com, AskMen.com, Engagement 101 and more. She's also the resident dater for Women'sHealthMag.com, writing weekly about her dating adventures in her "Dater Diary" column.