19 Things Your Marriage Counselor Knows about Your Relationship—but Isn’t Telling You

Counselors across the country weigh in on what they are REALLY thinking during couples therapy.

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It's best when you both care

01-Things-Marriage-Counselors-Know-About-Your-Relationship-But-Aren't-Telling-You-Nicole-Fornabaiord.com,-shutterstockNicole Fornabaio/rd.com, shutterstockI love couples who fight in the waiting room. At least they still care about each other. If one or both of you seem indifferent, my job is a lot harder. Learn the seven things that happy couples do when they fight. 

I know when you're cheating

02-Things-Marriage-Counselors-Know-About-Your-Relationship-But-Aren't-Telling-You-Nicole-Fornabaiord.com,-shutterstockNicole Fornabaio/rd.com, shutterstockWhen you say your feelings "just aren't there anymore," I know you're probably cheating. Here are 12 subtle signs your spouse may be cheating.

We try to trick you

03-Things-Marriage-Counselors-Know-About-Your-Relationship-But-Aren't-Telling-You-Nicole-Fornabaiord.com,-shutterstockNicole Fornabaio/rd.com, shutterstockSometimes I'll tell a couple "no sex until the next session. Don't touch each other, period." What I'm really hoping is that they'll fail and feel a sense of unity from their mutual rebellion. If you're a newlywed, read this marriage advice.

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Don't talk to outsiders

04-Things-Marriage-Counselors-Know-About-Your-Relationship-But-Aren't-Telling-You-Nicole-Fornabaiord.com,-shutterstockNicole Fornabaio/rd.com, shutterstockIt may make you feel better to talk about your marriage issues with a good friend, but it will just make things worse. Never talk to outsiders about things in your marriage that you haven't already talked about with your spouse. You can safely ignore these myths about marriage.

I'll try not to be blunt

05-Things-Marriage-Counselors-Know-About-Your-Relationship-But-Aren't-Telling-You-Nicole-Fornabaiord.com,-shutterstockNicole Fornabaio/rd.com, shutterstockI'm not going to tell a couple that I have no idea why they're together. But take the hint if I say something like, "You both have to make a decision about whether this is going to work long term." Watch out for the eight secret signs your marriage is headed for divorce.

Sometimes I want to yell at you

06-Things-Marriage-Counselors-Know-About-Your-Relationship-But-Aren't-Telling-You-Nicole-Fornabaiord.com,-shutterstockNicole Fornabaio/rd.com, shutterstockWhat do I wish I could say? "Grow up!" "Stop whining!" "Get a life!" When I feel this way, I know I need a vacation.

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I know there isn't a good one

07-Things-Marriage-Counselors-Know-About-Your-Relationship-But-Aren't-Telling-You-Nicole-Fornabaiord.com,-shutterstockNicole Fornabaio/rd.com, shutterstockDon't try to convince me you're the good one. In most marriages, there isn't a good one. Read on for surprising marriage advice from divorced people.

Go to bed angry

08-Things-Marriage-Counselors-Know-About-Your-Relationship-But-Aren't-Telling-You-Nicole-Fornabaiord.com,-shutterstockNicole Fornabaio/rd.com, shutterstockYes, you should go to bed angry. If you try to resolve everything before you hit the sack, you'll both be sleep-deprived and cranky the next day. Instead, get a good night's sleep and talk once you're rested.

We know the signs of failure

09-Things-Marriage-Counselors-Know-About-Your-Relationship-But-Aren't-Telling-You-Nicole-Fornabaiord.com,-shutterstockNicole Fornabaio/rd.com, shutterstockThree signs that a couple is not going to succeed: name-calling, finger-pointing, and when one or both partners fail to accept even the tiniest bit of responsibility for the situation. Here are 15 things a divorce lawyer wants married people to know.

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Sometimes I recommend living separately

10-Things-Marriage-Counselors-Know-About-Your-Relationship-But-Aren't-Telling-You-Nicole-Fornabaiord.com,-shutterstockNicole Fornabaio/rd.com, shutterstockSometimes two people love each other but have such different styles of living that I recommend they live together in a duplex. It sounds strange, but it works for some people.

Trying can take you far in a relationship

11-Things-Marriage-Counselors-Know-About-Your-Relationship-But-Aren't-Telling-You-Nicole-Fornabaiord.com,-shutterstockNicole Fornabaio/rd.com, shutterstockI've seen couples I thought didn't stand a chance end up staying together. Often it's because they're both willing to try. But sometimes it's just that they are too dysfunctional to leave each other.

Men are not mind readers

12-Things-Marriage-Counselors-Know-About-Your-Relationship-But-Aren't-Telling-You-Nicole-Fornabaiord.com,-shutterstockNicole Fornabaio/rd.com, shutterstockThe big thing most women don't understand: Men are not mind readers. If you don't tell him how you feel, he's not going to know. The big thing most men don't understand: If you hardly acknowledge your wife all day, she's not going to want to get intimate with you at night. These are the eight habits of couples with steamy sex lives.

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It takes time

13-Things-Marriage-Counselors-Know-About-Your-Relationship-But-Aren't-Telling-You-Nicole-Fornabaiord.com,-shutterstockNicole Fornabaio/rd.com, shutterstockIf I ask you how long you've had problems and your answer is "10 years," you're not going to change things in 10 minutes or 10 sessions.

I would tell a lot of people they shouldn't be together

14-Things-Marriage-Counselors-Know-About-Your-Relationship-But-Aren't-Telling-You-Nicole-Fornabaiord.com,-shutterstockNicole Fornabaio/rd.com, shutterstockIf I was 100 percent honest, I'd be telling a lot of couples, "I don't think you two should be together."

You need to work hard outside of therapy as well

15-Things-Marriage-Counselors-Know-About-Your-Relationship-But-Aren't-Telling-You-Nicole-Fornabaiord.com,-shutterstockNicole Fornabaio/rd.com, shutterstockJust showing up every week is not enough. My number one pet peeve is the couple that comes to the session, then leaves and behaves the same way they always have.

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Stop being petty

16-Things-Marriage-Counselors-Know-About-Your-Relationship-But-Aren't-Telling-You-Nicole-Fornabaiord.com,-shutterstockNicole Fornabaio/rd.com, shutterstockDo you even hear how petty you guys are being? Does it really matter if the towel was straightened appropriately or not? Learn what these nine couples who have been married for more than 50 years have to say about marriage.

Come in early on in the process

17-Things-Marriage-Counselors-Know-About-Your-Relationship-But-Aren't-Telling-You-Nicole-Fornabaiord.com,-shutterstockNicole Fornabaio/rd.com, shutterstockThe earlier you come in, the quicker you can get the problem solved, the less your therapy will cost.

You need other relationships too

18-Things-Marriage-Counselors-Know-About-Your-Relationship-But-Aren't-Telling-You-Nicole-Fornabaiord.com,-shutterstockNicole Fornabaio/rd.com, shutterstockDon't expect your spouse to be everything you need: your lover, your best friend, your massage therapist, your tennis partner, and your confidant. You need other relationships outside your marriage to fill those roles.

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Stop complaining

19-Things-Marriage-Counselors-Know-About-Your-Relationship-But-Aren't-Telling-You-Nicole-Fornabaiord.com,-shutterstockNicole Fornabaio/rd.com, shutterstockThe person who complains about things that happened in the past is usually more of the problem than the spouse they’re complaining about.

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