Dating in Your 40s: 12 Tips to Find the Right Person
Updated: Apr. 25, 2024
If you want to have fun, save time and find a great partner, here's what to do—and not do—when you're dating in your 40s
Dating in your 40s can be better than dating in your 20s
Whether you’re trying to find a long-term partner or just enjoying the dating scene, we have some great news for you if you’re dating in your 40s: This just might be the best dating decade of your life! “By 40, the majority of people have a strong sense of who they are, their likes and dislikes, and what they need in a relationship,” says Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, a neuropsychologist and relationship expert. This can make dating easier because when you’re self-confident, you’re less susceptible to things like people pleasing and love bombing, as well as more likely to engage in a healthy relationship. As someone who got divorced and started dating after age 40 myself, I have to agree!
That said, you may be worried about dating in your 40s. For starters, you don’t have the energy or body you did when you were 20 years old. While that may be true, don’t waste time worrying about things you can’t control. “There are so many good things about dating a little later in life,” Hafeez says. In addition to avoiding the common dating mistakes that younger people often make, here are some perks of dating over 40:
- You know who you are and have more experience, which will likely make you smarter about relationships.
- You have honed your interpersonal skills, making things like small talk easier.
- You likely have an established career, friend group and living situation, giving you stability.
- You already know how you feel about potential relationship deal breakers, like children and pets.
- You’re less likely to worry about the small stuff.
Even if all of these things aren’t true for you, take a minute to appreciate the unique ways that you’ve grown and changed since you first started dating. The experience that comes with age brings a lot to the table, Hafeez says.
Ready to dive into the dating pool? Below, you’ll find 12 tips to help you find the right person for you—gathered from my own personal dating experiences, as well as expert advice from Hafeez and relationship expert Sibel Golden, PhD. More fulfillment and fun in your romantic life are just a scroll away!
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Know your boundaries
Before you ever agree to a date, you need to define what your parameters are for what you will and won’t tolerate. Don’t trust that you’ll know what to do in the moment; it’s much easier to deal with surprising situations if you’ve decided your boundaries in advance. “It’s so important that people dating in their 40s are clear on what their ‘yeses,’ ‘nos’ and ‘maybes’ are in a relationship,” Hafeez says. “Having clear boundaries lets everyone know what to expect.”
Defining your non-negotiables can also help keep you from being taken advantage of. Romance scam artists often start by seeing how far they can push the other person’s limits.
Don’t compare new prospects to your ex
If you’ve just come out of a serious long-term relationship, it’s understandable that you compare potential suitors to your ex, whether that’s idealizing the new guy or gal or looking for ways they fall short. A little comparison is normal—that’s how we learn—but try to resist living in the past. “When you’re dating in your 40s, it can feel exhausting to think about starting over, but you need to be willing to be open at least to the idea of someone new,” Hafeez says.
Try new things
While you’re waiting to find your person, take the time to work on yourself and build your self-confidence. Try out some new hobbies. Take a class and learn something new. Eat a new food. Take a solo trip somewhere you’ve always wanted to go. You may meet someone great playing pickleball, taking a dance class, rolling sushi or trekking through Bali, but even if you don’t, it makes you a more interesting person. “Smart, interesting people attract other smart, interesting people,” Hafeez notes. “Plus, you’ll always have something to talk about on dates.”
Update your dating-technology skills
After my divorce, I fantasized about heading out to bars and spending endless hours in local coffee shops hoping to catch the eye of the cute guy at the next table. But in reality, I was working full time and had a young daughter, and I didn’t have time for any of that. Instead, I needed the matchmaking to be efficient, so online dating fit the bill. Plus, so many people find love this way. In fact, according to a recent poll, 30% of U.S. adults have used dating sites or apps, and 22% of partnered adults over age 30 say they met their partner online—including 11% of people over age 50. That’s a lot of fish in the dating pool!
But it only worked for me once I learned a few tricks, as you’ll see below. For folks who don’t love the idea of online dating, you can still meet people the “normal” way, in person—but understanding how to use these apps expands your options significantly.
Get a professional picture taken for your profile
When I finally came up for air and felt ready to go for it, I figured authenticity was the best approach. I made the mistake of snapping a quick picture on my cellphone and posting it on a popular dating site. This yielded absolutely zero interest, which was a big blow to my fragile ego at the time. When I complained to a friend, she told that most women have professional photos taken for their online profiles. What? No wonder everyone looks amazing! Add to that getting my hair and makeup done, and just like that, the board lit up like the Fourth of July!
Golden urges us to think of a profile photo like the first impression in an interview: You want to wear your best suit (so to speak) and flash your best smile.
Ditch the Prince Charming fantasy
When you’re young and starry-eyed about the future, it’s easy to create a checklist of the stellar qualities you’re looking for: He should be smart, witty with his pickup lines, hot, romantic, with a full head of hair and hopefully rich. But it’s a terrible mistake to think that your values at age 21 are still your values at age 41 (especially the hair part). After sitting across a table from guy after guy, I found myself wondering, What am I looking for now, anyway? Will I know it when I see it?
When you return to the dating scene, especially if you’re over 40, you should definitely take stock of how things have changed. To help you evaluate where you are in life—and what you want and deserve—pause to create a current list of ideal partner qualities and deal breakers. Also evaluate your own priorities, values and dreams.”Take some time to get to know yourself anew before you put yourself out there again,” Golden says. “Get that journal out, learn how to meditate, be curious and introspective about your life and where you are right now.” All of this will help you understand yourself so you can figure out what you truly want in a partner.
Take your time before getting back into dating
Ending a long-term relationship (and especially going through a divorce) can leave you pretty spent. At first, just getting through the day without a meltdown in the bathroom is a miracle—and that’s exactly the wrong time to try to attract a new mate. After some very unsuccessful attempts at moving on, I realized I was in pretty bad shape and needed to spend time refilling my emotional tank. “Self-care after a divorce can help you reclaim your sense of worth and value, which can suffer in the aftermath of a split, especially if it was messy,” Golden says. “This is a time for healing. Think of it as nurturing yourself with a balance of activities that you enjoy, as well as solitude and introspection.”
Forget old-fashioned dating rules
Gender roles have changed a lot in the past decade, which may come as a surprise to people dating in their 40s. At the time, I had friends who were also posting profile pictures in hopes of making a forever match, but they got few responses—because they didn’t do any of their own outreach. They still held the outdated belief that the man should make the first move, so they sat around waiting to be contacted.
In my dating days, I was known for approaching guys and found that this was not only empowering but also kept me busy with boyfriends during my 20s. I knew I had to use the same approach for internet dating, and indeed, I discovered my traffic would soar the more I contacted men. Don’t be shy—it’s only cyberspace. The more traffic you create, the more you receive.
Say yes only to dates you are really interested in
That strategy leads to my next mistake. The first few weeks, it was a thrill to have people contacting me, and I responded to almost everyone who reached out. But it was time-consuming and exhausting, and I met some serious weirdos, to be honest. Over time, I learned to limit my contact to guys who sounded sane, patient and knew how to spell. My mantra became “love awaits,” with an emphasis on the “wait” part.
It’s also important to note how people react when you say “no,” since that can tell you a lot about someone’s personality and even show you red flags, Hafeez says. Remember: “No” is a complete sentence and should be respected.
Expand your search
After months of serial dating within my small community, I decided to expand my geographic range. But rather than expand my search criteria to include the big city nearby, I expanded my focus to find common interests. As a longtime yogi and meditator, I took a peek around at men in my age group who had similar practices. I did eventually meet a fellow meditator who happened to live 60 miles from me in a town I had never heard of. When I responded to his post, I wasn’t thinking about the practicalities—I just liked his picture and his profile. Six years later, after much wear-and-tear on our respective cars, we are still dating … and meditating together.
Get coffee first
The wide world of internet dating primes a fantasy that the next hit will be your dream man. In the beginning, I had fun making elaborate plans for first dates. I live in suburban New Jersey but would trek into New York City to meet a guy at a restaurant, bar and, one time, the Bronx Zoo. I quickly realized that this was not the efficiency dating I had envisioned! I also learned that you can have a great email chat with someone, and even talk on the phone, but you really don’t know anything about chemistry until you meet in person. I learned the hard way not to make elaborate plans for date No. 1.
Hafeez agrees. “I usually recommend starting with just grabbing a cup of coffee together—nothing fancy,” she says. “You can tell a lot about whether or not you want to move forward based on one to three low-key interactions.”
Another important note when dating in your 40s or at any age: When going on these initial dates, it’s always a wise idea to let someone (such your sister or best friend) know where you’re going, as well as the name and phone number of your date.
Have a sense of humor
Over my year of internet mingling, I would call my sister after each date to give her a report. Sometimes I’d need cheering up when things were going really badly, like the time my date started sneezing at dinner and asked me if I had cats—and when I said yes, he got up and left me at the table, with the check! I learned how key it is to not take things personally and just try to have fun with the process. Because let’s be clear: It is a process. “Even as you are more self-aware and clear about the values, lifestyle and personality that you are looking for in a person, there is certainly still a vulnerability that goes along with dating,” Golden says. “Try not to judge yourself, or your date, too harshly. You don’t have to decide in that moment if it’s going to work or not. Forever is still a long time.”
Why trust us
For over 100 years, Reader’s Digest has explored the nuances of relationships, working with such luminaries as Dr. Ruth Westheimer, John Gottman, PhD, and Leo Buscaglia (“Dr. Love”). We ran a decade-long relationships column and have published a compendium of features, Love and Marriage: The Reader’s Digest Guide to Intimate Relationships. For this piece on dating in your 40s, Jennifer Levine relayed her experience as a divorcée, and then clinical psychologist and life-fulfillment expert Carla Marie Manly, PhD, author of The Joy of Imperfect Love and Date Smart, gave it a rigorous review to ensure that all information is accurate and offers the best possible advice to readers. We support this information with credentialed experts and primary sources such as government and professional organizations, peer-reviewed journals and our writers’ personal experience where it enhances the topic. We verify all facts and data and revisit them over time to ensure they remain accurate and up to date. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
Sources:
- Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, neuropsychologist and relationship expert, founder of Comprehend the Mind, and faculty member at Columbia University; phone interview, April 5, 2024
- Sibel Golden, PhD, psychotherapist; email interview, June 2019
