Office Jokes

I get plenty of exercise – jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.

My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.

Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job? A: Because it was soda pressing.

Sometimes I feel like there isn’t much difference between my commute to work and the Oregon Trail.

With the economy improved, 
my son, Pat, finally found a job in electrical engineering. Pat traveled to various locales to analyze and fix problems with his company’s equipment. Yet it frustrated him that his employer gave him little training. One day Pat heard about some training classes coming up and asked if he might attend. […]

“Meet my coworker, the Boy Who Cried ASAP.”  

Analyst: I can give you the numbers, but you can’t go public with it. Marketing Manager: I’m not going to go public with it. I’ll just present it at a meeting. Analyst: Who’s going to be at the meeting? Marketing Manager: It’s a stakeholder meeting. So whoever wants to come. You know, it’s open to […]

From the police blotter, 
or, what a beat cop deals with 
every day: • A deputy responded to a report 
of a vehicle stopping at mailboxes. 
It was the mail carrier. • A woman said her son was 
attacked by a cat, and the cat would not allow her to take her son to the […]

Have you ever been a victim 
of a JIB (job interview breakdown)? These men and women have: • “I was so nervous at a job interview, when he asked me what I wanted to be in five years, I said, ‘Race car driver.’” • “The guy asked me to tell him 
a little about myself, […]

My friend, an intern, was given $50 to get the chairman of the bank some lunch. Told to get himself something, he bought a shirt. Source: storify.com

My wife, a phlebotomist at the Denver VA hospital, entered a patient’s room to draw blood. Noticing an apple on his nightstand, she 
remarked, “An apple a day keeps 
the doctor away, right?” “That’s true,” he agreed. “I haven’t seen a doctor in three days.” Larry Jensen, Englewood, Colorado

My colleague has been living 
in this country only a few months, 
and although normally chipper, he recently looked sad. When I asked what was wrong, he responded glumly, “Today, everything wrong is going in my favor.” Bacchus Johnson, Charlotte, North Carolina

My boss and I took a job applicant to lunch, where we tried, with little success, to get him to open up about his experience and qualifications. Frustrated, my boss set his salad aside and proposed a specific and complex situation to the young man, then asked, “What would you do?” The applicant hesitated, then, […]

A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times. @DamienFahey

• I’m employed at a computer security company and have a colleague whose name is M. Alware. His e-mail address is [email protected] • My ex-boss’s name is R. Stone. His e-mail was [email protected] • My name is James Pan. Every other permutation of my name was taken (e.g., jpan, jamesp), so I’m stuck with [email protected] […]

I have a question.     =     I have 18 questions. I’ll look into it.     =     I’ve already forgotten about it. I tried my best.     =     I did the bare minimum. Happy to discuss further.     =     Don’t ask me about this again. No worries.     =     You really […]

[email protected] [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] Michael Ward, via mcsweeneys.net

As a Speech therapist, I was working with a preschooler on 
body-part identification and the 
k sound. To that end, I had him 
use Play-Doh to make a sculpture 
of me. “Is that my neck?” I asked, trying to get him to repeat the word. “No, that’s your chin,” he said. He added more Play-Doh. […]

While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back 
in 20 minutes. The woman asked, 
“Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?”  Jamie Hindman, Lewisville, Texas

It’s amazing how a person can compliment and insult you at the same time. Recently, when I greeted my coworker, she said, “You look so gorgeous, I didn’t recognize you.” Elaine Schyve, Cohocton, New York

The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form. Businessman Stanley Randall

Client: Please remove the unnecessary circle at the end of the sentence. Me: You mean … the period? Client: I don’t care what you designers call it; it is unsightly. Delete it. Source: clientsfromhell.net

I’ve been working on my PhD 
in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work. As we were driving past Walmart one day, my son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I could get 
a job there. Hoping to make a point, I asked, “Do you […]

An insurance agent called 
our medical office. One of our 
doctors had filled out a medically necessary leave-of-absence form 
for a patient, but, the agent said, the 
patient had altered it. The giveaway? 
The return-to-work date had been changed to February 30. J. L., via e-mail

I supervised an employee who had a negative view of everything 
I did. If I took a vacation day, I was “never there.” If I praised someone’s work, it was “too little, too late.” He eventually took another job 
but was fired six months later. Shortly thereafter, he contacted 
me, hoping to return to his […]

I guess this is what happens after you’ve worked at the same place for a while. I was eating at a fast-food restaurant when an employee began his shift by walking into the kitchen area and calling out, “Honey, I’m home!” G. M., via e-mail

Before google, there were librarians. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries: • A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.” • “Who built the English Channel?” • “Is there a full moon every night in Acapulco?” • “Music suitable for a doll wedding to take place between […]

Client to designer: “It doesn’t really look purple. It looks more like a mixture of red and blue.” Source: clientsfromhell.net

A woman called our airline 
customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over. The customer was flummoxed: […]

I spend three minutes every 
day choosing a TV channel 
to leave on for my dog. Then 
I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult. @damienfahey

After football fans in Philadelphia were treated to a particularly excruciating loss earlier in the season, a man phoned a sports-radio talk-show host to say, “Everyone should call in and give one word for that game.” “What’s your word?” the host 
replied. “Bored out of my mind,” said the caller. From Sports Illustrated

Librarians may be shy, but 
their patrons aren’t. Look at their oddball requests: A patron offered me $100 to steal 
a cactus from somebody’s yard. A patron wanted me to find a 
book to teach her dog German. A patron on his way to the casino asked to rub my red hair for luck. A […]

For Martin Luther King Day, 
I asked my fifth graders how they’d make the world a better place. One said, “I’d make potato skins a main dish rather than an appetizer.” Jessica Castronovo, 
Manalapan, New Jersey

Scene: A radio newsroom. Caller: I just wanted to let you know you’re off the air. Host: Yes, we know. The engineers are working on it. Caller: It would be nice if you put something on the air that says that. Source: Overheard in the RADIO Newsroom

When my coworker answered his phone, the confused woman on the other end asked, “Who is this?” “This is Steve. With whom did you wish to speak?” After a pause: “Did you just say whom?” “Yes, I did.” The woman replied, “I have the wrong number,” and hung up. From gcfl.net

Gilding the lily is a job seeker’s birthright. Here are a few doozies, where the applicant claimed … … to be a former CEO of the company to which he was applying. … to be fluent in two languages—one of which was pig Latin. … to be a Nobel Prize winner. … to have worked […]

A welsh politician asked the government for information about UFO sightings and if it might fund UFO research. Officials wrote back, “jang vIDa je due luq … ach ghotvam’e’ QI’yaH devolve qaS.” Which means, “The minister will reply in due course. However, this is a non-devolved 
matter,” in Klingon. Source: bbc.com

Here’s some advice: At a job 
interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician. Comedian Adam Gropman