Office Jokes

My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.

Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?
A: Because it was soda pressing.

Sometimes I feel like there isn’t much difference between my commute to work and the Oregon Trail.

With the economy improved, 
my son, Pat, finally found a job in electrical engineering. Pat traveled to various locales to analyze and fix problems with his company’s equipment. Yet it frustrated him that his employer gave him little training.

One day Pat heard about some training classes coming up and asked if he might attend. “Oh, sure,” his boss said. “You’re going to be the instructor.”

“Meet my coworker, the Boy Who Cried ASAP.”

Analyst: I can give you the numbers, but you can’t go public with it.

Marketing Manager: I’m not going to go public with it. I’ll just present it at a meeting.

Analyst: Who’s going to be at the meeting?

Marketing Manager: It’s a stakeholder meeting. So whoever wants to come. You know, it’s open to the public.

From overheardintheoffice.com

From the police blotter, 
or, what a beat cop deals with 
every day:

• A deputy responded to a report 
of a vehicle stopping at mailboxes. 
It was the mail carrier.

• A woman said her son was 
attacked by a cat, and the cat would not allow her to take her son to the hospital.

• A resident said someone had 
entered his home at night and taken five pounds of bacon. Upon further investigation, police discovered 
his wife had gotten up for a late-night snack.

• A man reported that a squirrel 
was running in circles on Davis Drive, and he wasn’t sure if it was sick or had been hit by a car. An 
officer responded, and as he drove on the street, he ran over the squirrel.

Source: uniformstories.com

Have you ever been a victim 
of a JIB (job interview breakdown)? These men and women have:

• “I was so nervous at a job interview, when he asked me what I wanted to be in five years, I said, ‘Race car driver.’”

• “The guy asked me to tell him 
a little about myself, and I literally forgot who I was.”

• “I got asked about punctuality. 
I went on about how it was good 
to speak clearly and politely, and 
it was nice to use proper grammar 
in speech and writing.”

Source: dailymail.co.uk

My friend, an intern, was given $50 to get the chairman of the bank some lunch. Told to get himself something, he bought a shirt.

Source: storify.com

My wife, a phlebotomist at the Denver VA hospital, entered a patient’s room to draw blood. Noticing an apple on his nightstand, she 
remarked, “An apple a day keeps 
the doctor away, right?”

“That’s true,” he agreed. “I haven’t seen a doctor in three days.”

Larry Jensen, Englewood, Colorado

My colleague has been living 
in this country only a few months, 
and although normally chipper, he recently looked sad. When I asked what was wrong, he responded glumly, “Today, everything wrong is going in my favor.”

Bacchus Johnson, Charlotte, North Carolina

My boss and I took a job applicant to lunch, where we tried, with little success, to get him to open up about his experience and qualifications. Frustrated, my boss set his salad aside and proposed a specific and complex situation to the young man, then asked, “What would you do?”

The applicant hesitated, then, looking my boss straight in the eye, said, “Are you going to eat all those tomatoes?”

John Richman, Webster, New York

A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times.

@DamienFahey

• I’m employed at a computer security company and have a colleague whose name is M. Alware. His e-mail address is [email protected]

• My ex-boss’s name is R. Stone. His e-mail was [email protected]

• My name is James Pan. Every other permutation of my name was taken (e.g., jpan, jamesp), so I’m stuck with [email protected]

From quora.com

I have a question.     =     I have 18 questions.

I’ll look into it.     =     I’ve already forgotten about it.

I tried my best.     =     I did the bare minimum.

Happy to discuss further.     =     Don’t ask me about this again.

No worries.     =     You really messed up this time.

Take care.     =     This is the last you’ll ever hear from me.

Cheers!     =     I have no respect for you or myself!

Source: thecooperreview.com

[email protected]

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[email protected]

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[email protected]

Michael Ward, via mcsweeneys.net