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The 15 Unluckiest Dumb Criminals Ever

The best-laid schemes of mice and men often end in handcuffs.

1 / 15

The lowest high there is

For a trio of drug thieves, it was their lucky day. These dumb criminals broke into a home in Silver Springs, Florida, and discovered three jars of cocaine. They took it home and snorted the contents. That’s when they discovered that the jars were in fact urns, and that they were snorting the cremains of the victim’s husband and two dogs. These are dumb laws that actually exist in each of the 50 states.
Source: myfoxdfw.com

2 / 15

The Telltale Trousers

When an attempted robbery at a Lowes Home Improvement store went awry, Milton J. Hodges fled across the street and jumped a fence … right into the Cypress Cove Nudist Resort & Spa. As the Orlando Sentinel pointed out, “As one of the only folks wearing clothing,” Hodges was easily spotted by police.

3 / 15
Andrey Burmakin/Shutterstock

P.S.—Nobody move

It’s the worst possible time to faint—in the middle of robbing a bank. But that’s what happened to a Beavercreek, Ohio, thief. The teller called 911 and asked for medics. But you have to applaud the man’s stick-to-it-iveness. While the ambulance was en route, the suspect handed a note to the teller demanding all her cash. These warning label errors will make you feel like a genius.
Source: wdtn.com

4 / 15
I'm friday/Shutterstock

Parlez-vous idiot?

The victim’s jewelry was missing, the electronics were gone, and a window was smashed. No wonder she was hysterical when officer Charanjit Meharu of the Calgary police arrived. Then her French-speaking father called. Speaking in French, she explained that it was all a scam in order to get the insurance money. What she didn’t suspect was that Officer Meharu speaks six languages, including French. You won’t believe the stupid things these job candidates did in interviews.
Source: cnews.canoe.ca

5 / 15

Incarceration? There’s an app for that!

A 12-year-old boy adamantly denied having stolen an iPhone when questioned by police at his home. And then the iPhone rang in his closet. OK, yes, he stole that. But as for the Blackberry he was also accused of stealing, he double-adamantly denied… *RING!!* We’re surprised these dumb employees didn’t get fired for what they did.
Source: Tampa Bay Times

6 / 15
Kleber Cordeiro/Shutterstock

“…just kidding?”

Don’t you hate it when you suffer a heart attack and think you’re going to die, so you confess to a 17-year-old murder, only to find out you’re not going to die and then get sentenced to life in prison as a result? Yeah, so does James Washington, of Nashville, because it happened to him.
Source: huffingtonpost.com

7 / 15

A Molotov cock-and-bull story

Following a dispute, Craig Aylesworth, of Bithlo, Florida, allegedly tossed a Molotov Cocktail at his neighbor’s trailer home … just as the winds shifted, sending embers on to his own trailer. Luckily, he was arrested, since this dumb criminal no longer had a home of his own to return to.
Source: cfnews13.com

8 / 15

The new Apple iDiot

A San Francisco thief pedaled his bike up to a woman on the sidewalk, snatched the iPhone out of her hands, and rode away. Unknown to him, the woman was in the middle of demonstrating the iPhone’s new GPS tracking device, which worked—the thief was captured minutes later.
Source: sfgate.com

9 / 15

“License and registration and an attorney, please.”

Anthony Kenneth Mastrogiovanni was impersonating a police officer when he pulled over another car for speeding. The driver quickly sussed out that Mastrogiovanni was fibbing since he, too, was a cop, but in his case, the kind of cop who doesn’t have to pretend he’s a cop because he really is a cop. Mastrogiovanni was arrested for impersonating a police officer.
Source: abcnews.go.com

10 / 15
ESB Professional/Shutterstock

“Who’re you gonna trust, yourself, or yourself?”

How convenient! Only a few months earlier, an Iowa City, Iowa, man had his driver’s license stolen. Then who should show up at the bar where he worked as a bouncer, but the thief brandishing the bouncer’s very own license as his form of ID.
Source: press-citizen.com 

11 / 15

Should’ve activated your karma alarm

Is there no honor among dumb criminals? While two suspects were being questioned by Ogden, Utah, police about shoplifting from a store, someone broke into their car and stole a stereo and several other items.
Source: deseretnews.com

12 / 15
Viacheslav Lopatin/Shutterstock

This looks like a safe place…

An El Paso, Texas, man busted into a church and absconded with the safe. Safes are heavy, so he only got a few yards before dropping it on a neighbor’s lawn, where he tried to crack it open. That’s when he was confronted by the home’s occupant—a police officer.
Source: pjstar.com

13 / 15
Glynnis Jones/Shutterstock

A new hobby

Thirty-three-year-old Jose Santiago, Jr. decided his hometown could use one more cop. Guess who? It would help his charade that he had bought an old police car and mounted red and blue lights on its dashboard. When a driver pulled into Santiago’s apartment complex, he blocked the guy’s car with his own, then motioned him over. Santiago, who wasn’t wearing a cop’s uniform, barked, “Do you have a problem?” and then started laying into the man about his driving, claiming he’d been doing 65 mph. Are you a police officer?” the man asked. When Santiago said yes, the guy asked to see his ID. Santiago refused and continued with his tough-cop routine. That’s when it turned into a fake cop’s worst nightmare. The driver had no problem pulling out his own wallet and showing his identification. His name was Jeremy Gaughan, and he happened to be an off-duty police officer. You probably break these weird laws all the time.

14 / 15

The great computer caper

Jon Eipp’s story began with burglar alarms at Portal Publications in Novato, California. Police rushed to the scene and caught Eipp, 39, and an accomplice running away, leaving an array of stolen computer equipment outside the office building. Both dumb criminals were arrested, and Eipp’s trial began. Two days into the proceedings, some Civic Center employees showed up for work and got quite a surprise. Their computers and monitors had been swiped. Eipp was lucky enough to get his high-tech haul out of the building, but his stupidity caught up with him. By the time Civic Center workers discovered their equipment had vanished, Eipp was already in police custody. Shortly after leaving the Civic Center, he’d been caught right down the street trying to steal a Volkswagen. Now he faced charges that included attempted auto theft, burglary, and grand theft. Last September, he pleaded guilty to them all.

15 / 15
Chad Zuber/Shutterstock

A humiliating hurt

When 23-year-old Zachereya McGrew discovered that his car speakers were missing, he figured he knew who’d swiped them—a teenager from a nearby neighborhood. And he’d make the kid pay. The teen was in his front yard when a car zoomed up and McGrew jumped out. He ordered the youth to get in the car and take him to his speakers, which the terrified boy refused to do. McGrew then reached into his waistband and pulled out a handgun. At that point, the teen took off at a sprint, and McGrew fired at least two shots at him, missing his mark. Once the boy was out of sight, McGrew slid the gun back into his waistband. Maybe he fumbled things because his pants had begun to sag, or maybe it was his nervous excitement, but McGrew’s finger squeezed the trigger, firing off a perfect shot—into his own left testicle. That can cause a guy to flinch, which McGrew did, pulling the trigger again and sending another bullet slamming into his left calf. McGrew was charged with aggravated assault and pleaded guilty. You need to meet the 38 dumbest criminals of all time.

Reader's Digest
Originally Published in Reader's Digest

Andy Simmons
Andy is a longtime editor at Reader’s Digest, where he’s edited and reported on national interest, dramas and humor. He is the author of Now That’s Funny! featuring his most popular, funniest writings on all things America, some exclusive and all-new, some taken from the award-winning pages of Reader’s Digest. He also wrote That Reminds Me of a Joke ..., a collection of gags and hilarious true stories taken from the news. In a past life, Andy graduated from Kenyon College and was an editor at National Lampoon Magazine.